YOU SEND ME (OFF)

Europa League Quarter Final First Leg

West Ham 1 Olympique Lyonnais 1

History is in the making this evening at London Stadium as West Ham United prepare for the first leg of the Europa League Quarter Final. Whatever happens, history will be made for Declan Rice and his West Ham United team, as both sides fight for the right to play Eintracht Frankfurt or Barcelona in the semi-finals later this month. Tonight, 41 years since their last quarter-final appearance, Declan Rice becomes only the third West Ham captain ever to lead his side out to a European Competition Quarter Final. The opposition Lyon are from the capital of the Auvergne, a south eastern French city close to the Swiss and Italian borders. Lyon qualified for tonight’s game by beating FC Porto of Portugal 2-1 over two legs, drawing 1-1 at home after winning the away leg 1-0.

The first few minutes are a cagey affair as the enormity of the occasion seems to have got to both sides. I know Hammers can win this, but also understand that this kind of occasion is so rare that it can sometimes blunt the talent from shining.

First chance comes Lyon’s way after ten minutes when Emerson finds Paquetá down the left flank, but his swift cross is steered wide from a position where Dembélé should certainly have scored. Another look on the replay and it looks as though Zouma has sneaked a foot in to put him off. Antonio gets away from the Lyon defence seven minutes later and puts Fornals in who sets him up for a shot which Lukeba blocks for a corner. Ndombélé has a decent chance ten minutes later with a powerful effort which is barely a yard wide.

Rice and Souček alternate on going forward, a corner from Bowen finding Rice’s left foot, but the captain’s accurate stroked effort is well saved by Lopes. On 35 minutes Boateng goes down unchallenged, holding his leg, which is just plain embarrassing. Even my 85 year old mother can go an hour wandering round the block without cramp.

Lyon continue to have the majority of the play in the first half, but Hammers clearly aren’t bothered unless Lyon advance into the final quarter, which they rarely do. It’s in the two minutes of injury time that the match moment occurs that defines the remaining passage of the game. Bowen is fouled on the edge of the area by Aouar, and while the surrounding West Ham players anticipate the referee’s whistle, Lukeba stabs the ball forward beyond them, Aouar running on to it and slipping Dembélé through. Although Zouma is to his left, Cresswell runs across and there is a marginal contact between the players, but Dembélé throws himself to the ground spectacularly and Cresswell is given a straight red for fouling the last man. Harsh. Very harsh. Dembélé winks at the camera. Twat. And then Lyon waste the ensuing free kick.

When the half-time whistle goes, only five and a half minutes of the scheduled two have been played. The German referee Felix Zwaywr, I discover at half time, apart from being shit at maths, was suspended for six months after being involved in a betting scandal in 2005. Perhaps the deep pockets of Lyon are at work tonight.

Moyes is forced to withdraw Benrahma and bring on Ben Johnson at the beginning of the second half to strengthen his newly depleted side. Then, the impossible happens. Antonio and Fornals link up around the centre circle and Fornals’ reverse pass sends Antonio away down the right hand side. Although he is initially dispossessed, Lyon then give the ball away to Fornals who finds Bowen and, off balance, the striker still manages to get a firm contact on the ball to send it past the keeper and into the net, after Boateng has failed to clear.

“Ten against eleven. They don’t care. They’re one up!” Sound commentary from BT’s Ian Darke.

Ndombélé hits in a powerful shot just five minutes later which has Areola scampering across his goal to see the ball out to safety. The player difference is now beginning to tell, and on 66 minutes Lyon equalise. Again the move starts with a foul on Bowen ignored by the feeble ref, and when the second substitute Têté breaks down the right, he beats Johnson, and Fredericks can only turn the pass into the path of Ndombélé, who fires home gleefully. The on-loan Spurs’ bastard.

I am now concerned both at the fact that there is still half an hour to go, and also at the width the two substitutes are finding down West Ham’s flanks. Somehow the defence stands firm, and Hammers even manage to create one further chance in the 81st minute when Bowen and Souček link down the right flank but can’t quite get the ball across to the waiting Antonio.

And there it is. West Ham’s fifth ever home Quarter-Final in a European Competion, and though they haven’t won the tie, they have kept it level despite having played a whole half with just ten men. Some achievement. And the fans can reflect on the fact that Lyon at home have this season been thrown out of the French cup for crowd trouble and deducted a point for similar difficulties in their league match against Marseille. Something to look forward to for the thousands of West Ham fans making the journey across to France next Thursday.

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 4 Kurt Zouma, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 31 Ben Johnson

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen

TEN MEN (AND THE REF) COULDN’T CARRY LAMPARD

West Ham 2 Everton 1

It is strange when you consider that West Ham have only ever beaten Everton once at London Stadium, and you have to go back to May 2018 for that game, towards the end of David Moyes’ first period in charge of the Irons. Manuel Lanzini scored twice in a 3-1 victory that afternoon, though he won’t be taking part in this one due to having turned over his sports car after training at Rush Green earlier in the week.

Jarrod Bowen returns this afternoon to strengthen Hammers’ front line, having completed a full week’s training in which he appeared to be back at his best. Everton have a strong team but are in the middle of one of their worst seasons for some time, having secured a miserly 25 points from 27 games. This is a side that have never been relegated in their illustrious lengthy history, and who plan to move shortly to a new expensive stadium alongside Albert Dock.

The game starts slowly with neither side seemingly keen to violate the goalless backdrop, but instead spend the ninety minutes playing knockabout. A foul on Antonio leads to a free kick just outside the area, which Cresswell curves over the wall and beyond the outstretched hands of Pickford.

The battle between Antonio and Michael Keane continues unabated and sees the Everton captain get a 34th minute booking for another desperate and unnecessary lunge. It does look as though Lampard will need all his focus and managerial nous to motivate his team after this poor first half showing.

Something of note may have been said as the spring-stepped toffees draw level eight minutes after the restart when Mason Holgate fires in a low shot into the corner after a goalmouth scramble.

No matter. Antonio breaks away just minutes later and his goalbound shot, though well saved by Pickford, runs loose to Bowen who clips it joyfully into the empty net, restoring Hammers’ lead. Seven minutes later and the battle between Keane and Antonio is culminated in a referee’s red card after one cynical challenge too many.

Yarmolenko and Noble appear as late substitutes to give them a run out just in case they are needed for the Europa League Quarter Final game against Lyon on Thursday. A routine victory

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 4 Kurt Zouma, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 16 Mark Noble, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Goalscorers: Aaron Cresswell, Jarrod Bowen

OH WHEN THE SPURS, STEAL SOMEONE’S SONG

Tottenham Hotspur 3 West Ham 1

The script for this one has already been written. Although Kane is not going to score today (he only needs one goal to establish a new Premier League record for goals in successive games), he has at least made the starting XI for his team’s cup final. And it’s a game that starts well for his side. After nine minutes Masuaku, a replacement for Pablo Fornals in one of David Moyes’ less predictable team changes of the season, gives the ball away on the left and Kane gathers the loose ball and crosses from the right. Although Zouma expertly shields Kane’s empathic twin Son from reaching the cross, his left knee deflects the ball past his own keeper. Worse is to come when quarter of an hour later Kane’s telepathic pass reaches Son on the left, and the South Korean descends upon Fabianski into the area and rifles the ball into the roof of the net. It seems absurd that the Spurts should have such a commanding lead so early on, but good luck to them. It is their cup final, after all.

When West Ham’s consolation goal comes, as it must, Tottenham’s part in it is significant. Matt Doherty gives away an unnecessary corner and then, although he beats Dawson in the air from Cresswell’s outswinger, he then coolly provides an assist with his mistimed header straight to Benrahma, who casually sidefoots home from the edge of the six yard box.

West Ham slowly feel their way back into the game, as the Sky commentary team dig in for another Spurs LoveFest. Alan Smith, a man who couldn’t summarise his arse in a diarrhoea storm, shifts into North London partisan gear. As West Ham prepare to take a corner late in the first half, just 2-1 down, Smith begins an unthought through utterance with, “If West Ham can hang on until half time…” They are ATTACKING you ex-Leicester plonker, FFS.

The half time interval comes as a welcome break to both sets of fans, West Ham’s ready to tweet obscenities at being behind to Spurs, and Spurs’ in an effort to repel accusations of feeling smug at half-time in their seasonal cup final.

On 80 minutes, Kane misses an open goal, effectively shut down by Fabianski. It is one of the few moments of joy for West Ham fans in the game, the other one being Son’s collapse to the ground after being hit by a pass from Zouma, the ball mysteriously assuming the weight of a bowling ball without warning.

Nevertheless, Spurs bag a third from a Kane flick on to Bowling Bull, who looks up on his run to see Cresswell playing him on from a standing position on the other side of the pitch before slotting the ball past Fabianski.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitute: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY LOOT

Europa League Round of 16, 2nd Leg

West Ham 2 Sevilla 0 (AET)

There have been numerous quality West Ham victories over the years, all worthy of the term ‘sublime’, but despite this season’s excellent set of results, no game, even the wins over Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester City, has yet deserved that description at London Stadium. And so we come to West Ham’s genuine opportunity to progress to the Europa League Quarter-Finals. To get there they will need to beat six time winners Sevilla Fútbol Club, with a 0-1 deficit from the first leg already in the bag.

The pre-match light show, alternately plunges the stadium into eerie darkness and a wild cacophonous phosphorescence, setting the tone for the evening, along with an excitable jumping live disc-jockeyed music set.

The football is served as a cautious mix of well-organised defence and a triple garnish of Fornals-Lanzini-Benrahma in midfield to service the powerful stridings of Michail Antonio. Sevilla look as formidable an outfit as they were the previous Thursday, but this time they are not to have their performance augmented by the capacity West Ham crowd which outnumbers their travelling followers by around twenty to one.

Halfway through the first half, Areola is called on to make a superb reaction save to a deflected cross from Joan Jordán when he thrust out a strong hand to send the ball out and to safety. It is to prove their finest moment in the game as the Hammers gradually begin to make their numerous forays into the Seville defence count, and it is one of these moments just before half time that sees Antonio spin on a sixpence and reverse chip the ball across the goal to the far post where Souček cushions his header beyond the keeper’s outstretched fingers and into the top far corner of the net. The crowd explode into chants of joy as the tie is levelled and the hope of victory is planted.

In the second half West Ham continue to control the passage of the game, without further threatening the Sevilla goal despite the late introduction of Yarmolenko from the sub’s bench, fresh from his goal at the weekend against Aston Villa. Eventually the referee’s whistle signals another gruelling 30 minutes to find a goal to split these two sides.

Hammers regroup and Fredericks and Noble join the fray to offer energy to the. beleagured West Ham recruits. After several Hammers attempts on goal, Fornals hits in a vicious effort that Bounou can only half field, and there is Yarmolenko, for the second time in a week, to follow up and hit the back of the net with predatory disdain.

Is it too soon to call this one of the great nights in West Ham United history? The lesser accolade of Greatest Night at London Stadium nevertheless seems apposite.

The following morning’s draw reveals two potential knock out away second leg ties that mean we have had the only European home tie resolver game this season, a revelation that posthumously gives this game the status of Moyes’ and West Ham’s greatest night at London Stadium. The celebrations afterwards and since have certainly done nothing to allay such an accolade.

13 Alfonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko,, 16 Mark Noble, 24 Ryan Fredericks

Goalscorers: Tomas Soucek, Andriy Yarmolenko

ASTON SEVILLA

West Ham 2 Aston Villa 1

This is a big week for the club with the second leg of the Europa League last 16 tie against Sevilla, and a deficit that needs overcoming, on Thursday. After the first leg defeat Hammers need to bounce back against Steven Gerrard’s in form Aston Villa. Its a game that is to prove tougher than might have been imagined.

Martin O’Neill was the last manager to enjoy a run of victories that Gerrard currently has under his belt, but they nearly always lose when they play on Sundays. Coutinho seems to be the player of the moment, and almost scores after twenty minutes but for a vital last second interception by Kurt Zouma.

Michail Antonio is struggling and is taken off a few minutes into the second half, to be replaced by a returning Andriy Yarmolenko, his first game for the Hammers since his country was invaded. A strange situation for the fans, ready to forget the histrionics after a dive up at Kidderminster in the FA Cup. All is now forgiven.

Ings then has Villa’s best chance of the game four minutes later from a low corner that Fabinaski deflects brilliantly onto the post and away when it seemed to have beaten him. On the hour Johnson wins a corner which first Zouma and then Dawson only just fail to see their successive headers hit the back of the net.

Ten minutes later and the move of the match finally unfolds. Dawson finds Benrahma wide on the left and his jabbed pass into the area finds Yarmolenko with a yard of space which he uses effortlessly to prod the ball past Martinez. Eight minutes from time Rice abandons his defensive position to head up the field where he finds Benrahma again out on the left. The Algerian then picks out Fornals in the area, who fires in an unexpected but welcome second, and although Ramsay hits a consolation in injury time after a slip from Zouma, it proves to be just that, and Hammers are back to their winning ways just in time for the big European game on Thursday night.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes:, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 23 Issa Diop, 24 Ryan Fredericks

Goalscorers, Andriy Yarmolenko, Pablo Fornals

SEVILLE ORANGES

Europa League Round of 16, 1st Leg

Sevilla 1 West Ham 0

When the draw for this tie was made, I was poised on my laptop to organise travel to the given location. My belief at the time was now that the Hammers had finally secured a knockout two-legged fixture against one of Europe’s top teams, they would most likely draw Glasgow Rangers, who would then win the tie.

In the event West Ham drew Sevilla, the only team in the tournament to have won it six times. Some have already renamed the trophy the Sevilla Cup. For the record, the last time West Ham were competing in the knockout phase of such a prestigious competition was under Harry Redknapp against Steaua Bucharest back in November 1999.

So back to the quandary at the laptops. There were some astute east end chaps who secured the direct Bournemouth return flights to Malaga, ready to complete their journey to the stadium on the day by rickshaw or on the back of a tame bull rented off some retired matador. All fingers and thumbs, I found myself initially grabbing a bargain £191 return flight with Finnish Airways, with a ten hour stop in Helsinki on each leg, but finally conceded victory to the combined talents of British and Iberian Airways at a cost more or less equivalent to a season ticket next year in the Bobby Moore Upper. (Hoorah)

But what a beautiful place Is Seville. Determined not to spend the majority of my hours there looking at the bottom of a half litre glass, I wandered around the local sites, taking in such wonders as [citations needed]. The breakfast that became the norm over the three days consisted of a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, a warm croissant just out of the oven and a cup of hot chocolate, the contents with all the consistency of school custard, the skin perfect for dipping torn croissant pieces into.

And so to the match. Getting there comfortably merited the hire of a local taxi. The Stadium holds 40,000 plus, each seat an l-shaped piece of red plastic soldered to the concrete edifice. Sitting on one of these felt supremely unsafe, but standing on the radically stepped rows felt even more insecure, so we found ourselves sitting sensibly. I was already praying that the fans would not opt for the ‘Stand Up If You Love West Ham chant…’

The first half was a pretty even contest with the exception of the fan volume count. It was as if the Seville Ultras knew the concrete structure could only take a limited field of human decibels. Hammers could and maybe should have taken the lead with the best chance of the half when Vlašić finds himself barely a yard from the goal but can only head straight at Bounou, and from the rebound Antonio fails to even get a decent contact on the ball from a similar position and the chance has gone.

The second half is a very different affair, the explosive atmosphere born out of the quaking vibrating Seville crowd who inspire their side to put away their only genuine chance of the game when a Zouma foul for which he is yellow-carded leads to the first set play in a genuinely dangerous position, and Acuña’s brilliant cross field ball picks out Munir El-Haddadi, who half volleys the chance firmly into the corner of the net.

West Ham do manage to reconnoitre, but are unable to fashion a way past a well-organised Sevilla defence, and are left cursing the first half miss, though pleased to only be a goal behind in the tie at the halfway stage.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 11 Nikola Vlašić

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 16 Mark Noble

POOLS OF LIVER

Liverpool 1 West Ham 0

WHEN THE SAINTS ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF ME

Emirates FA Cup 5th Round

Southampton 2 West Ham 1

West Ham are in the last sixteen of the FA Cup in what is proving to be another excellent season under David Moyes. Yes, but a slightly flukey scramble through from the last round after a barely deserved 2-1 win over second division amateurs Kidderminster Harriers. So what? You have to beat the best to face the rest. Or whatever it is that they say.

Its a Wednesday and a torturous journey here by car because there is no way back home afterwards due to the last train departing at ten, and you’re not going to risk missing extra time and the penalties, though you would also be first in the queue to forego a cramped night in a Premier Inn built close to the runner-up in South Western Trains’ ‘Most Unsalubrious South Coast Station.’

In the bar before the game I am approached by a young man in West Ham colours who exclaims, ‘Martin, you are the voice of my childhood,’ and quotes several lines of commentary from games in the early 1990s long since forgotten to my addled and bereft mind, but I wave a self-deprecating hand at him in thanks and move towards the bar, unsure of what, if anything, I should offer in response.

One of the other articles of note before the game is the revelation that West Ham legend Bill Gardener has spent most of the day trying to get signed up for the Ukraine army, but once they found out he’s 68, he’s been unable to sign. Apparently you need to be 61 or under. Just how random is that?

The poor old Southampton stewards are unable to do their job organising the travelling Hammers fans as they can’t work out where the steps have gone. The supporters are clearly uninterested in positioning themselves sensibly in their allocated seats. I could well be in a different ground to the one intended, such is the dislocation of my geography.

The game finally kicks off after a short delay, and after an early flutter of Southampton attacks, Cresswell hits a classic clearance-cum-through ball to Bowen on the right, ready to fire the trigger before being expertly tackled by Jack Stephens. An even better chance falls to Soucek just inside the area, who strokes it towards the corner with the keeper beaten, but agonisingly wide. Bowen has another chance but steers his header wide when hitting the target looked more straightforward. Then cometh the worldy, just when Hammers are on top. The executioner is Romain Perraud, who on the half hour picks up a loose ball outside the area before hitting a left-footed shot beyond the flailing outstretched hand of Alphonse Areola. The timing of the goal combined with its absolute unstoppability sends the Hammers into a tailspin and it’s all they can do to get to half-time without conceding a second.

Hammers come out for the second half only to be once more under the cosh, Ward-Prowse’s effort a matter of inches from hitting the target. Broja then misses a cross after another furious Saints break down the left. Now it’s West Ham’s time to score against the run of play when Bowen forces a corner, and taking an inswinger the ball comes out to Zouma after the keeper Caballero drops it and then Diop who finds Antonio on the line to stab home the equaliser. What a Willy from Willy. Hoo-fedging-rah. Finally.

That, unfortunately, is the last part of the game when things go well, as after Dawson seemingly tackles Broja in the area at the other end of the pitch to stop a goalscoring opportunity, it appears that his tackle has been broken down into two parts, although only actually represented by one challenge. Of course the first part of this two part but actually only one part challenge is adjudged to have been a foul, so Southampton find themselves with an unexpected penalty, which Ward-Prowse dispatches gleefully. Piece of stench. That man has scored yet another dodgy pen against the Hammers this season. The VAR King. Varking outrageous, if you ask me.

Now Hammers Under The Cosh. Areola makes a stunning one-handed save from Redmond’s superb long range effort. There are four minutes left to take the tie into extra time, and Hammers force a corner which Bowen takes. Dawson, unmarked, heads for the corner, but Caballero claws it away for another corner, which is sadly wasted. Five minutes into injury time Southampton score the winner after the excellent Broja advances past Dawson and finds the corner of the net with a decent effort that gives Areola no chance.

This cup that we’ve been going to win for the first time in forty-one years in Mark Noble’s last season, has just evaporated into the Southampton air, and though we don’t know it yet, it’s going to take us almost the length of another game and a half through miles of unnecessary midnight roadworks before the sanctuary of the home pillow is made available to assuage the miserable ache of travelling away fan self-pity.

13 Alphonse Areola, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes:, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Goalscorer: Michail Antonio

West Ham 1 Wolverhampton 0

BIRTHDAY BOY

This was always going to be a heart in mouth moment for the West Ham faithful, who look anxiously as the team take to the field with their Yarmolenko training tops and blue and yellow focus.

Minus Ogbonna this looks like a full strength side facing the West Midlanders’ starkly stingy defence, and with Hammers not scoring too many at home in the last couple of games, making the first strike looks an essential bag. At Molineux in an unexpected 1-0 defeat earlier in the season, Hammers’ initial cavalier confidence seemed to subside somewhat. Now is the chance to rekindle it, and with an FA Cup last sixteen tie on Wednesday and a Europa League knockout fixture a week later, Hammers desperately now need to occupy a page in the current form book.

Wolves are the team to have already started the doubts that this season might not yield the Champions League place the Hammers had hoped for back in November, when they beat them with the recovering and returning Jiménez, whose solo goal proved the only strike of the game. Today Wolves can move ahead of the Hammers if they can complete the double over them.

Rice carries Yarmolenko’s shirt to signify support for the absent Ukranian and his country, and the atmosphere in the ground is both sympathetic and determined. Lanzini replaces Benrahma in their alternate formation of recent weeks.

When Johnson is felled outside the Wolves’ area, Cresswell hits in a powerful effort that has the keeper stretching out to grab at thin air. Antonio is powerful in the last third and is unlucky not to have a hat-trick by half time, though the closest Hammers come to in the first half is five minutes before half time when Rice’s brilliant twenty-five yard effort comes back off the post with the goalkeeper again beaten.

Hammers haven’t won in their last five games, so when they do finally score it is celebrated perhaps more with relief than genuine joy. Fornals feels he is fouled on the left, but gaining only a throw he finds Cresswell, whose ball through to Antonio behind the Wolves’ defence creates a gap, and his cross is gratefully steered home by birthday boy Tomas Souček, wearing 28 but 27 on this 27th day of February, his first goal for the Hammers since December. It may not be as breathtaking as Rice’s effort from the first half would have been if it had curled another six inches from the target, but it is a goal, and the strike that eventually wins the game in a tightly-fought contest that sees West Ham put some distance between them and their Black Country neighbours.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes:, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 23 Issa Diop

Goalscorer: Tomas Souček

AWAY POINT THE LADS

West Ham 1 Newcastle United 1

LEICESTER HOPEFULS

Leicester City 2 West Ham 2

In April 2016, this fixture pitted Slaven Bilic’s Last season At The Boleyn West Ham against Claudio Ranieri’s PL Champions contenders, a game that Leicester City could not lose if they were to keep their title hopes alive. The last ten minutes of the game added three more goals to the one Jamie Vardy had scored in the eighteenth minute before being sent off just after half time. With the one man advantage West Ham came more and more into the game and almost won it with a rare Andy Carroll 84th minute penalty followed swiftly two minutes later by a late strike from Aaron Cresswell that put Hammers into the lead for the first time in the game. But for Ulloa’s equalising penalty five minutes into injury, the title may have proved elusive at the eleventh hour.

Today, Leicester are languishing in the lower half of the table, whilst Hammers are attempting to keep their Champions League place hopes alive. Zouma denies the Leicester fans ninety minutes of booing and offensive songs when he withdraws from the game in the warm up, still feeling a little groggy after a dodgy stomach he’s been suffering with in the week. Issa Diop steps in to cover.

After just ten minutes Jarrod Bowen collects Diop’s inch perfect through ball and accelerates out of the reach of two Leicester defenders to plant the ball past Schmeichel.

A good enough start, but are Hammers in the kind of form to build on the early lead? The answer is no, and disappointingly for the Hammers Leicester are given a leg up when Cresswell gives away a penalty at the end of the half having elbowed the ball instead of heading it. The strong wind is to blame, apparently.

The second half starts much better for Ricardo Pereira, who finishes well to put Leicester ahead in a game they should have been well behind in by now. Even so, Hammers have had to learn to take defeat in their stride in the last month or so, and there’s still over half an hour to go.

One of the miracles of the football match is the way that a game that looked completely tied up and secured can suddenly flip into being something you end up having to save rather than win at a canter.

Thankfully, with one of the last moves of the game, Craig Dawson raises himself above the Leicester defence to plant a neatly timed shouldered effort past Schmeichel. How much shoulder, how much arm? VAR has a look, and Atkinson swiftly denies hopeful Leicester fans’ longing with a grand gesture wave towards the centre circle.

Football definitely messes with your mind. I think this as I find my eyebrows involuntarily inverting themselves ironically into a downward curve. In the end, as a fan, you find yourself having to accept a point and be delighted at the revelation rather than be celebrating the delight of three points that would have secured your place in the upper reaches of the table.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 23 Issa Diop, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini , 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 25 Ryan Fredericks

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen, Craig Dawson

BOWEN DEFLECTION HELPS WEST HAM SURVIVE CAT CALLS

West Ham 1 Watford 0

The dominating pre-match question was would West Ham play Kurt Zouma? Rumours abounded that he had asked to be left out following a much-watched video of him on social media leaving a little to be desired from his cat-loving skills. Moyes said it was his job to pick his best team, and so that was what he did.

Or so it looked on paper. Michail Antonio was clearly suffering with Long Jet Lag, and Joshua King proved himself more than able to outrun Zouma, Cresswell and Dawson in any combination whenever he collected the ball out on the left. The New Watford however, under the tutelage of Roy Hodgson, proved a little thin in the finishing department, which proved a relief to Hammers’ ailing and flat-footed defence. Even Rice appeared to have lost his innate compass which would ordinarily ensure he pushed forward whenever he collected the ball rather than sideways or even, on too many occasions, backwards.

The match winner when it comes in the second half, is as underwhelming as the majority of the game. Underwhelming, but decisive. The game has just over twenty minutes left when Lanzini feeds Bowen, who collects the ball from just beyond the centre circle, accelerates, then hits a hopeful shot from outside the area which clips the boot of Brazilian defender Samir before heading beyond Foster into the Watford net.

Hammers now take over the game, but somehow fail to secure the victory with a second goal. No matter. One will do. On this showing, Roy Hodgson may have to return to Sunday walks down the towpath at Richmond after the end of this season.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen

FIDDLING KIDDERMINSTER

Emirates FA Cup 4th Round

Kidderminster Harriers 1 West Ham 2

The moment the Kidderminster Harriers ball was pulled from the spinning goldfish bowl, pulses started to race across the eastern section of the capital. Kidderminster, Hereford United, Farnborough Town, Stockport County and Emley – all lower league outfits that have equipped themselves over the years against West Ham. Although West Ham have yet to lose a competitive fixture against a non-league side, this looks like the most bananerama of skins that a badly-paid ex-Pro might pull out of a hat.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and here we are, in Black Country county. I opted to not attend the game, though I am well aware that bananas are good for alleviating bouts of stomach cramp. Instead I find myself watching the game live on my phone aboard a Merseyrail train from Southport to Kirkland. It’s a good place to hide if anything should go wrong.

Looks like I made the right decision twenty minutes into the game as Alex Penny calmly steers the momentarily loose ball into the unguarded net following an early Kidderminster attack. The local fans are out in their thousands and the atmosphere is deafening. West Ham have a very respectful side out, with just Mark Noble making the early cut from the wider squad. The club captain was already looking over his shoulder at Declan Rice on the bench as the ball hit the back of the net.

Kidderminster manager Russell Penn cuts a sharp-edged dark figure against the skyline. Scoring that early goal has clearly not fazed him. Goalkeeper Luke Simpson is unsurprisingly busy in the first half, but faces nothing that threatens to disarm him. VlašIc is beginning to look like a maybe front line figure as he plays neat passes off the ball in his effort to mount a worthy attack. Bowen has two efforts that end with a brilliant save from the Kidderminster keeper Simpson.

Time roars on and it would appear that the equaliser may not actually be coming. Ten minutes from time though, Yarmolenko is pole-danced in the area after a challenge by Nathan Cameron, which turns out to be a push that wouldn’t have upended a child of three. Shocking. Actually, embarrassing. Then Luke Simpson makes a staggering save from a ricochet from a Benrahma shot who’d looked initially like he’d finally breached the Kidderminster defence. Maybe it’s going to be their day. How to explain this after such a great season?

Then the substitute Fornals plays a brilliant one-two in stoppage time with Declan Rice… and that is the heartbreaking equaliser. But a brilliant goal from Rice who looked just the. Like a thirty goals a season striker. What a brilliant finish.

And so to extra time, and incredibly West Ham do it again, finding a way past the tired legs of their Conference League opponents as Bowen finds a winning tap-in following a skirmish after Yarmolenko’s shot has proved too hot to handle for Simpson, and Cresswell has turned it back into the six yard box.

Moyes doesn’t celebrate but the travelling Hammers fans seem to think they may have finally clinched the promised Champions League place. What a strange bunch they are.

13 Alphonse Areola, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 16 Mark Noble (c), 23 Issa Diop, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 33 Alex Kral, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 3 Aaron Cresswell, 41 Declan Rice, 8 Pablo Fornals, 15 Craig Dawson, 28 Tomas Souček

Goalscorers: Declan Rice, Jarrod Bowen

LAST MINUTES OF THE GREAT SHITE HOPE

Manchester United 1 West Ham 0

Fergie Time: Terminological phrase for the last minute winners scored by Ferguson’s Manchester United during his mostly successful 27 year career at the club. All of these without the judicial eyes of VAR.

This game is one of those moments in the season when we get to see what West Ham are like when they’re under the cosh to deliver something unusual, in this case looking like a proper top four team. A point this afternoon, or perhaps three, would go a long way to taking Hammers to the next level.

Things start out well. Zouma is back for the first time since the beginning of December. If you saw the goals conceded against Leeds and Southampton at home, then you’ll know why that’s good news. Areola replaces Fabianski in goal. Not so good, until you remember that he was one of the eleven who won at this stadium back in September. United don’t touch the ball until the fourth minute, but when they do, they almost score, Greenwood getting away from the defence until Zouma chases back to block his shot. Three minutes later it’s Bowen at the other end with Maguire making the block.

Manchester United start to get into the game and begin to dominate with individual runs from Ronaldo. Antonio then breaks away and looks destined to get a shot in until Maguire blocks his effort. The game is taking on an all too familiar pattern that seems out of kilter. This United side are a bunch of talented individuals but haven’t played as a team for some time. Wolves beat them last time they played a game here in the league. They lost 4-1 away to Watford and 5-0 here to Liverpool and 1-0 to Aston Villa. So a West Ham win here would be about par for their efforts this season.

And West Ham do make a decent fist of it looking across the game as a whole, Bowen flat foots De Gea with a power shot from outside the area which is inches wide. Souček’s header from a demon Bowen corner just wide of the upright. Then, deep into Fergie time, Cavaninhits a hopeful low cross into the are which Rashford dispatches past Areola. The earlier pass looks offside, but Stockley Park agonises over the issue on VAR for a full twelve seconds before giving the goal.

And that’s why, in the final analysis, this season has – for now – disappointed. Yes, home wins over Liverpool and Chelsea, but neither came at a time when Hammers were being really tested. This time they were and, well, they and VAR missed a trick.

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 24 Ryan Fredericks

WE ALL LOVE LEEDS

West Ham 2 Leeds United 3

Remember the old one about how you never get the same result when you play the same team twice in a week? If was certainly hard to believe when the Leeds’ starting line-up for this Premier League fixture was announced at 12.45. Kurt Zouma was supposedly almost recovered from his early December injury, but David Moyes decided on this being an outing too far for his ex-Chelsea stalwart, who is not even included in the squad for the game.

Hammers begin well, and look to have plenty of time on the ball to spread passes around the pitch, Bowen looking to continue where he left off last Sunday and this Wednesday. But it’s Leeds who open the scoring in the tenth minute when Jack Harrison finishes an opportunity provided for him by Forshaw, turning the loose ball effortlessly into the bottom corner of Fabianki’s net.

The surprised looks from Hammers’ players and sudden silence from the crowd makes it quite clear how unexpected this goal is. West Ham do finally get level however, Bowen heading Cresswell’s corner past Meslier. But they’re looking tired, Diop and Dawson getting regularly caught out of position, and looking slow against a Leeds’ side who haven’t played since their last game here in the cup on Sunday. Antonio is strong out on the left, but seems a little short on energy, and West Ham struggle to create chances. So much so that four minutes later Leeds regain the lead, Harrison scoring his second when he breasts Ayling’s goalbound header over the line. Minutes later James misses a great chance to put Leeds 3-1 up before half time.

West Ham enter the second half in a more sprightly state and Fornals puts them level seven minutes in with only their second accurate shot on goal of the match. The topsy turvey nature of the game is again revealed when Raphinha hits a pass through the Hammers’ defence to find Harrison who chips superbly over Fabianski and Leeds are in front again. This time he is scoring in front of his own fans, though not so many this week. A minute later Raphinha hits the post from a free kick with Fabianski beaten. Then they hit a fourth on the break as West Ham commit to grab an equaliser. Thankfully VAR leaps into action in our defence to rule it out and offer up an exciting finale.

Hammers get one last chance in injury time when Cresswell takes a free kick quickly and Antonio feeds a cross in that Bowen decides to chest and not head over. How has the master goal chef missed that one? Human after all. Frustration, but Leeds were better, despite being majorly short on players. So again West Ham have managed to score twice at home in a game that has ultimately ended up in defeat.

Meanwhile, Arsenal have managed to get their game against Tottenham postponed because they have players injured and at the African Nations. Oh yeah, and ONE player with Covid. What bullshit is that? Should they buy any players in the January transfer window, they should be banned from playing in the rescheduled fixtures. Actually, just cancel the games and take the points of them for arrogance. It would be deserved.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 23 Arthur Masuaku, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 63 Sonny Perkins

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen, Pablo Fornals

LET’S BE HAVING YOUR TEAM

West Ham 2 Norwich City 0

And so it was that Dean Smith returned to the ground where his Aston Villa side saved their Premier League skins behind closed doors back in happier days. This evening his Norwich City side are fighting for their Premier League lives, or at least to make themselves look like a side capable of attracting a few Championship players to take a punt on joining them in what’s left of the January transfer window.

As for West Ham, there are smiles all round as Aaron Cresswell has finally returned to the fold after his horrific ‘postal’ injury up at Manchester City back in November. His presence seems to up the determination output of the Hammers’ side tonight, and they attack in folds over the first ten minutes, Fornals providing an energetic replacement for the African Nations League absentee Benrahma. The other item of note is Fabianski’s 300th Premier League appearance in his last contracted season. Hammers will surely renew his contract for another year after the transfer window closes.

West Ham attack an organised but slightly brittle Norwich defence from the off, and when they take the lead just before half-time, the only surprise is that it has taken so long. The goal is the result of excellent link up play between Cresswell and Coufal, whose far post cross finds Jarrod Bowen neatly heading past Krul. Bowen has found the net for the second time in the game, his earlier effort, direct from an in swinging curling free kick denied by VAR after Vlāsić is shown to have been standing in an offside position after crucially making a play for the ball.

In the second half West Ham continue their pummelling of the Norwich goal, Vlāsić denied a reasonable shout for a penalty before Antonio ghosts in to beat Krul with his shot, which clips the bar before heading away into safety. A couple of minutes later, Bowen is put through, only to see his beautifully chipped effort beat Krul but clip the crossbar on its way out of play. Four minutes’ later another shot from Bowen beats Krul but hits the post before going out of play.

After a couple of substitutions it is suddenly Norwich who enjoy a decent passage of play, knowing they are somehow only that single first half goal from Bowen in arrears. Pity then that Bowen hits a second seven minutes time, following a neat cross in from Arthur Masuaku, that even survives the predictable VAR challenge.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 23 Arthur Masuaku, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen (2)

SWEATING AT THE PALACE – AN ANNUS HORRIBILIS BECKONS

Crystal Palace 2 West Ham 3

They say with the benefit of three seasons in action that VAR works for you or against you in batches of three. After this afternoon, West Ham might consider after three ‘dodgies’ against Burnley, Arsenal and Southampton that they are now entering a period where they will experience a positive batch. They might also remember that going 3-0 up early in a game should always set the alarm bells ringing. Clearly it’s been a while since that happened, so this afternoon was a poignant reminder.

And it could all have been so different had Palace not hit the woodwork twice before West Ham scored their opener. When it came, it was Michail Antonio’s second in two games, though this time he made the starting XI, and celebrated his goal with a game of Mortal Kombat on his phone that he had somehow smuggled into his shorts before the game. The chance was created by Benrahma, cutting in from the left who hit a wicked curling low cross that Antonio had virtually only to breathe on to ease past Guita. The second, just three minutes later was a climax of ball juggling across the front of the area by Manuel Lanzini, from Rice’s pass, and an exquisite volleyed finish probably earns Lanzini a credit for the assist as well.

Though Palace enjoy the next twenty minutes of play, Lanzini sends Hammers in with a three goal lead, having converted the penalty awarded for Milivojevic’s clumsy handball in the area. It’s a back-to-back victory for VAR, as those in Stockwell Park had a better view of the offence out in Berkshire than referee Michael Oliver, just ten yards away.

After hallucinating the Palace fans chanting VARs Red and Blue army, there needs to be a little reflection on what has happened in the past each time West Ham have notched up a three goal lead in a game, especially one that Palace have had a fair share of so far. This concern proves to be unwarranted, at least until the 83rd minute when Edouard, who hit the bar in the first half, slips in to pull one back for Palace. More alarmingly, substitute Michael Olise hits in a late free kick which bypasses everyone on its way into the far corner of the net, and with the fans’ jaws hanging, Mateta fashions an exquisite bicycle kick which misses Fabianski’s far post by a whiskers’ pouch.

Meanwhile, over in North London earlier in the day, it looks like ‘Lucky’ Arsenal are now entering their own triumvirate of VAR disappointments. We recall with mild glee numerous examples of VAR fortune at the closing of 2021, as Manchester City this morning have taken all three points from them with the last kick of the game. Arsey.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 31 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 11 Nikola Vlašić, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 33 Alex Král

Goalscorers: Michail Antonio, Manuel Lanzini 2 (1 pen)

I’M A LOUZA

Watford 1 West Ham 4

The only good thing about Boxing Day’s reverse is that Hammers have a chance to relocate their winning ways within two days, away to Watford. Rice’s suspension, due to a surfeit of yellow cards in the first half of the season, means Noble will start for the first time in the Premier League in 2021-22. Moyes’ patience with Masuaku has run out, so Johnson returns.

Before the travelling away fans can give their vocal cords a workout, Watford are ahead. The move begins, like many goal scoring moves against Hammers in the last few games have, by the ball being given away in midfield, this time by Dawson and Diop. Even then there is a chance to clear before Emmanuel Dennis hits an unstoppable volley past Fabianski. Could this be the awning of a a fourth successive defeat for West Ham?

Thankfully not. It takes nearly twenty minutes, but Hammers settle and begin to pummel the Watford goal with shots and crosses. Finally Bowen finds Soucek, who strides past Cathcart and stylishly passes the ball into the net past Bachmann, turning into overdrive. West Ham are so superior now that a swift second is inevitable. It’s Antonio who passes Cathcart this time and crosses for Benrahma to put Hammers into the lead.

The pummelling continues in the second half and Bowen hits a third when Soucek’s deflected cross finds him at the far post. VAR does it again by finding a foul in the build up. The real third comes ten minutes later when Bowen is floored chasing a weak chest pass from Kucka to Bachmann, and Mark Noble gleefully slaps the VAR awarded penalty home.

Although Watford enjoy some possession after the goal, Hammers have plenty of chances to up the score and finally hit a fourth, substitute Nikola Vlašić’s first goal of the season, a move started by another Bowen run and cut back. For that piece of genius, I have finally bothered to check and get the accents in the right order in his surname.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 31 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 16 Mark Noble (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 11 Nikola Vlašić, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 33 Alex Král

Goalscorers: Tomas Souček, Jarrod Bowen, Mark Noble (penalty), Nikola Vlašić

SAINTS ALIVE

West Ham 2 Southampton 3

This is the fixture date that Westfield (Stratford) have exercised a stranglehold over in the last five years. Yes, that’s right. A shopping centre stopping a Premier League from playing on Boxing Day. But not this afternoon. Falling sales and common sense have linked arms to give West Ham a last chance opportunity to end 2021 well after the disappointments of a league cup semi-final exit at Spurs earlier in the week.

And yet eight minutes in, Southampton are ahead when Elyounoussi’s effort from outside the area creeps in at the far post past a surprised Fabianski. Try as they might, West Ham seem unable to raise the game, denied the presence of Antonio in the first half. West Ham have won only won one of their last six, and although that was the memorable victory over Chelsea, this team seem to lack both effort and intrigue in their play.

Antonio’s appearance at the start of the second half seems to invigorate the Hammers and they are soon level when he steers Dawson’s goalbound header past Forster. Two minutes later Saints are back in the lead when Dawson’s slo-motion clumsy challenge on Broja outside and then inside the area is breathtakingly turned into a penalty by a weird VAR decision that no one saw coming. Ward-Prowse buries the opportunity gleefully. Two minutes later and Hammers are back level when Benrahma powerfully meets Bowen’s brilliant cross from the right to bulge Forster’s net for the second time. Sadly London Stadium embraces the morgue moment for the third time in 2021-22 when Saints punish West Ham from a set play, conjured by Ward-Prowse and executed by Jan Bednarek’s firm connecting header.

Arsenal and Tottenham have both won, and Hammers will finish the year in the top six, but may end up in fourth place out of the four dominating London Premier League clubs in 2021. The year will have to end with a bang if they aren’t to slump to the mundanity of the pre-Moyes’ years. New signings and the defensive injured returning to the fray may of course put an immediate halt to this. We shall know in a couple of days in this close-packed fixture period.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 8 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 50 Harrison Ashby

Goalscorers: Michail Antonio, Saïd Benrahma, Andriy Yarmolenko

SPURS GET BATTERED BUT SOMEHOW THEY WIN

Tottenham 2 West Ham 1

I had forgotten how much my enmity is for Tottenham since West Ham had started to wave them aside over the last few years like a breath of foul air. Tonight the old memories return unexpectedly with a vengeance. The news that Antonio, who has become a regular thorn bird in the Spurs’ hide, remains down with the Covid, is unwelcome to say the least.

Antonio Conte was Chelsea manager when West Ham won their first high level game at London Stadium back in 2016. But why should that be a bad omen? Probably because I just mentioned it. Let it be recorded here that the impulse to articulate a thought and give it residence in the imagination should always be resisted. Remember that to win a trophy you need someone else to eliminate the favourites. You don’t want the winning of an early round tie to be your highlight of the competition. You want to be winning the damned thing.

And so it is that Spurs take the lead on 29 minutes when Steven Bergwijn finishes off a five man move around the six yard box with Hammers’ static defence are helpless to put a stop to. Despite the profligacy, West Ham pile back and Soucek is twice denied by Lloris tip-overs from great headers.

Just seconds later Hanmers are level just two minutes later when Bowen controls Vlasič’s misguided shot, turning swiftly to bury the chance past Lloris. The third goal in five minutes comes a minute later when Bergwijn weaves his way past Lanzini and Masuaku to set up Moura, who has escaped Johnson and executes a close range tap in.

In the second half West Ham camp out in Spurs’ half but despite the efforts from Benrahma and the brilliant Declan Rice, Spurs, and in particular Lloris, offer no way through. It looks increasingly as the seconds tick away like a moment decreed by fate rather than the straightforward passage of play in an ordinary football match.

The match stats at the end look like an act of grand larceny. Hammers have had nearly 60% of the play and twice as many attempts on goal as Spurs. If the struggling Antonio returns from the Cut-Throat Covid to turn Southampton into mush on Boxing Day, it might well have proved worthwhile, but for the uninitiated this evening’s game looks like a pre-ordained disappointment. There may be more before Hammers begin their annual bounce back in 2022.

13 Alphonse Areola, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 50 Harrison Ashby

Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen

MAYBE ARSENAL

Arsenal 2 West Ham 0

Arsenal have beaten West Ham at the Emirates three times in the last four years by the odd goal in a fixture that even the most ardent and partisan Gooner would have to admit has never been short of good fortune for the home side. This evening’s ‘entertainment’ provides more than the usual slices of good fortune for the mercurial north Londoners, and in the end they win it by two clear goals.

So why do West Ham keep on coming up short against one of the most ordinary Arsenal sides of recent years? West Ham haven’t actually beaten the Goons since Declan Rice scored the winner against them as a teenager in January 2019. Nearly four years later a subsequent victory over the knolled enemy has again eluded the Hammers.

So what went wrong? Hammers were without Zouma, Ogbonna and Cresswell, the latter still not recovered from a battering by a post at the Etihad, but Coufal was back and the mercurial Masuaku drafted in again at the back. Coufal was a significant inclusion, stepping ahead of Ben Johnson in the pecking order, after a lengthy injury.

Out of all these players, Coufal is the key to how the match unravels. He is booked for a supposed elbow on Lacazette in the eleventh minute. An early booking in any game is a worry, additionally so if you are a defender, and so it proves this evening. Arsenal take the lead early in the second half, but then comes the match-defining moment as Coufal dispossesses Lacazette in the box, and is then sent off for a ‘foul’ that the referee Anthony Taylor resists protests from the West Ham players to have checked on VAR.

Premier League officials will be admitting this was a shittingly wrong decision a few days from now, but for the moment Fabianski faces the diving talent Lacazette to try to keep Arsenal’s lead over ten man West Ham down to one.

He rises to the challenge with athleticism and anger at the decision to guess right and palm the effort away to eventual safety. For the remaining twenty minutes West Ham raise their efforts to secure major possession stats, but fail to achieve the penetration necessary to adjust the score line.

As if the storyteller needed any more prompting to then secure the points with a second Arsenal goal two minutes from time from a breakaway. Emile Smith Rowe, whose name sounds like someone stopped in their tracks calling a class register, finishes a decent move and Hammers lose by more than one goal for the first time in a season’s worth of matches.

Yes, it seems as though Moyes’ magnificent marauders can beat anyone except this lot – and Brighton. Something to remember when Hammers play the Arse again in the League on April 30th next year.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 8 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 50 Harrison Ashby

POPE SAYS NO TO WEST HAM GOAL GLUT

Burnley 0 West Ham 0

So you can beat Liverpool, Manchester United away and Chelsea? But Burnley is one trip too far. Yes, I know they got a draw at Stamford Bridge a few weeks ago, and they won 3-0 at London Stadium during the on field protests, but come on. One bloody goal would have done it. Yes, I know they should have had a penalty when Dawson got floored, but sometimes VAR seems determined not to intervene. Even when you are certain it will.

It looked a strong side, but no Ogbonna, Zouma or False Nine. I guess that refers to whoever we sign in the window to keep Antonio on his toes in the second half of the season.

West Ham have done better here in Burnley’s Premier League days than they have at London Stadium, and this afternoon they often look the Side Most Likely To. Could this be that the claret and blue kit seems to promote defeat more regularly than victory?

After ten minutes Masuaku hits a speculative left foot volley from the edge of the area that has Pope groping desperately to his right. Then Diop flicks on Bowen’s free kick and this time Pope gets across to save. Bowen is lively throughout the first half and forces Pope into a save from a shot fashioned from a shimmy run across from right to left after being set up by Rice.

Burnley get more into the game in the second half, but West Ham again come closest with a powerful header from Benrahma which Pope keeps out. Rice’s effort from twenty-five yards in the last five minutes of the game is a few inches from being a worthy match winner. Weirdly, Burnley produce their best chance of the game in injury time after a low cross from Taylor evades the full blow from Rodriguez’s advancing strides by a few inches.

Are these the games West Ham should win? A point is something, however, and keeps Hammers in the top four by the end of the afternoon.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 11 Nikola Vlasić, 8 Pablo Fornals

SUPER GOAL

West Ham 0 Dinamo Zagreb 1

This is the dead rubber of the tournament’s Group H, with Zagreb needing just a draw to qualify in second place so long as Genk don’t beat Rapid Vienna 10-0. They have brought a bus load of fans, quite literally one bus load who might all have fitted on the upper deck with no one standing.

With barely four minutes on the clock and wearing number 99 on his shirt, Mislav Oršić hits an unstoppable curling shot standing almost exactly on Masuaku’s Saturday sweet spot past Areola, who hasn’t even laced his gloves yet.

This game might be seen as a last chance saloon opportunity for Yarmolenko to flex his international muscles before the transfer window whether in shop window or please keep me mode. As it happens, he looks like a guy who knows what it’s like to earn a wage that isn’t linked to performance.

Alex Král has always excited attention from the critics during his brief spell at West Ham. Tonight he only excites attention from the Zagreb back three and midfield who all seem to be on a regain possession road trip whenever he approaches them with the ball. Out of all the youngsters Ashby and Longelo impress most, not giving too much away throughout the game.

The early goal seems to have taken the sting out of the game and the home opposition, and with the news that Rapid Vienna have taken an early lead at KRC Genk, Zagreb have seen that this might be a lead worth defending, as it is to eventually prove.

This has been another example of why Moyes is the right man for the club, period. Building from the ground up, he has an eye on the future and is not just there for the salary. Unlike Pellegrini he is a man making a reputation, not sitting on it, which can only be good for the club long term. The next games are Burnley and Arsenal, and Norwich at home. Actually all winnable.

13 Alphonse Areola, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 8 Pablo Fornals, 11 Nicola Vlašić, 16 Mark Noble (c), 33 Alex Král, 42 Aji Alese, 50 Harrison Ashby, 56 Emmanuel Longelo, 64 Sonny Perkins, 75 Jamal Baptiste

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma

YOU CAN STICK THE BROWN FLAG… OH, YOU ALREADY DID

West Ham 3 Chelsea 2

And so to Chelsea. History suggests an early Saturday start tends to favour the home side in these circumstances. But then we know from Henry Ford that History is Bunk.

Aaron Cresswell is still out after colliding with an upright at the Etihad, so Ben Johnson continues alongside Vladimir Coufal. West Ham start with a bold back three of Diop, Zouma and Dawson, a midfield of four and two behind Antonio at the front. What could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot, it turns out, Thiago Silver putting Chelsea ahead with a deft flicked header on 28 minutes which beats Fabianski more by the bounce than by the accuracy. This is the point in the game when part of your brain starts separating from the action and you begin to juggle outcomes in your mind. What if that remains the score? Would you take that? Because it wouldn’t exactly be unexpected to lose to the team at the top of the table.

But that’s not how we at West Ham think these days. Late goals are always possible for this side. And there’s still an hour to go. Sure enough, twelve minutes later a disastrous back pass from Jorginho leaves Mendy in the lurch with Jarrod Bowen…

and although the keeper looks to have given himself the chance to clear and avert danger, he pulls Bowen to the ground with his challenge. Penalty. So who will take it? Up steps Lanzini. His finish is perfect. Into the inner side netting having sent Mendy the wrong way.

Just four minutes later Mason Mount has restored Chelsea’s lead with a perfect half volley from Whoever’s cross. Barely 180 seconds to enjoy being back on level terms. So it’s half-time and another opportunity to consider the outcome. It is still feeling to me like a defeat, but what do I know? I thought we would be dispatching Wolves and Brighton and we only managed a point from those two games.

Some of the best goals at London Stadium have been scored by West Ham when they’ve been attacking the ‘Trevor Brooking’ end. And they start positively in the second half. The genius of Declan Rice is restored as the captain pushes his team forward in search of a second equaliser. They don’t have to wait long, Bowen steering home Coufal’s pass into the bottom of Mendy’s net. Power and accuracy. What a goal!

A few minutes later Bowen almost scores a second from Antonio’s low cross, but can’t quite reach his well hit pass. This doesn’t seem to be the same game now. Nevertheless, Chelsea hold out for another half an hour until, with injury time looming, Arthur Masuaku hovers over the ball wide on the left and the hits a shot come cross come shot past Mendy. Who expected that? No one. Not even Masuaku. This is up there with Lingard’s individual effort at Wolves last season and Lookman’s injury time Panenka penalty for Fulham.

There are still over six minutes left, but Hammers aren’t going to ruin things now. Like the first BCD game with Chelsea, and Yarmolenko’s finish when Rüdiger didn’t realise that the Ukranian striker was left-footed, this has been won. Utterly delicious. And no one could have predicted this at half time. I thought we’d get this at Wolves, but no, this is West Ham against Chelsea, and three points to the boys from East London.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 23 Arthur Masuaku

Goalscorers: Manuel Lanzini (penalty), Jarrod Bowen, Arthur Masuaku

LOOK AWAY NOW – THE HOODOO VOODOO CONTINUES…

West Ham 1 Brighton 1

Hoodoo Brighton think they are?

So. The back story to the expression ‘bogey team’ goes something like this:

Bogey team: A team that always does well against another team even though it is not usually expected to. This specific topic has even recently been one for a website that likes to call itself ‘English for football’. And what is the English for football? Well, Football, I suppose. And then there is the word ‘bogey’ which can mean a grotesque conglomeration of nose mucus but can also mean an evil, bad or unlucky spirit, or even a ghost. Misbehaving children are often told by desperate parents, ‘be good or the bogeyman will get you, you little ship’.

Bogey also means something that is incredibly annoying to the point of potentially inducing a mind-numbing migraine or sudden bout of projectile vomiting. So if you assemble this vast cornucopia of meanings together into a vat of misery, you will begin to understand just what a bogey team is. To further exemplify unnecessarily, it is a team that always does strangely well against another team. A specific team. In this case, West Ham United. The name of the team that this one other team always finds hard to beat is Brighton and Hove Albion. And when we say hard to beat, they actually haven’t ever beaten them. At least not in the Premier League, and certainly never at the Amex Stadium or London Stadium. Until the time they do. And is that going to be tonight? Brighton haven’t won any of their last nine games. Though they have actually drawn seven of them. So it depends on your take about what represents a bad run for any team. Two defeats in nine, or no victories in nine? Do you see my point. It’s all a case of perspective, really.

I consider this perspective as the match events unfold to the extent that when Tomas Souček flicks in a header from a Fornals’ corner inside five minutes to put the home side ahead, I delay any reaction that could be construed as personal excitement. Even when Pablo Fornals hits the underside of the crossbar halfway through the half, and when Brighton bring on so many substitutes early in the game that they find themselves down to ten men when Lallana is injured with eight minutes left. And then they do what only Brighton could with a lesser number, they score. And it’s our old friend Neil Maupay who acrobatically slots home with less than a minute left of normal time. There was also the ‘joy’ of a VAR disallowed goal from Antonio. In truth it was probably the only thing he did in the game, and he ended turning what would have been a Shane Duffy ‘own goal’ into something VAR could disallow by getting in the way of it on the line in an offside position, when it had been on its way into the net. That’s if he touched it, which looks a moot point on the replay. Ah well. Who can you do?

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini, 23 Arthur Masuaku

Goalscorer: Tomas Souček
Denied Goalscorer: Shane Duffy (own goal)

SNOW JOKE

Manchester City 2 West Ham 1

Manchester has a reputation for rain, but this afternoon it’s snow that provides an additional encumbrance to this away fixture against last season’s Premier League champions.

West Ham come out of the traps looking on the pace and Antonio immediately finds Benrahma clear in plenty of space but the ball escapes his control as it skids from under his stride. Then minutes later Antonio breaks free in the area in a similar position, but again the ball flies off the snowy surface to safety. Mahrez then gives City the lead in their first real attack. Luckily VAR finds him offside. As Clips might have said, Hahahahahahahaha.

History dictates that if you don’t put away one of your first couple of chances in an away game, possession and the legacy nature of games on the road dictate that you will be heading on the road to defeat. Which is a forty word way of preparing you for City’s opener, a tap in from the captain Gündogan after Hammers fail to clear a cross that skids swiftly off the snow-lined surface.

After City’s opener, it becomes a desperate fight for visibility and control, which the home side often seem as likely to struggle with as the Hammers. An extended half-time period sees all hands on deck with City’s ground staff clearing the pitch to render the second half less hazardous, once the snow has stopped falling. Both sides make more of a decent fist of controlling the ball in the difficult conditions, and play the majority of the second half in the middle of the pitch until Fernandinho seals the game in the ninetieth minute with an intelligent finish from the centre of the area. Manuel Lanzini, a late second half substitute, scores the goal of the game deep into injury time, which unfortunately counts for little other than aesthetic beauty. It also brings a rare pearl of commentary from the MotD reporter: ‘The player they call the jewel has scored a gem.’

Slim pickings though from West Ham’s second successive defeat on the road in 2021-22.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 23 Arthur Masuaku, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 5 Vladimir Coufal, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Goalscorer: Manuel Lanzini

VAPID VIENNA

Rapid Wien 0 West Ham 2

Inspired by the Joy of Genk, I had booked an unlikely three country journey to this game, travelling from London Heathrow to Zurich and on to Vienna, returning later to London Heathrow via Munich, not too long after the Munich Beer Festival. I had also secured a neutral end ticket for the game via my friend John, who had elected not to go for health reasons, and had a reserved hotel room into the bargain at which I would be staying for two nights because of my spaced out flights.

Then came the travelling fans ban. For two canisters set off at the Genk game, West Ham would now not be allowed by UEFA to sell tickets to their own fans. No worry for the moment, despite the ludicrously unfair judgement from UEFA, as my ticket was ‘neutral’. I would still be able to enjoy the sights and delights of Vienna, the coffee shops with their custard cakes and the odd schnitzel, maybe even another visit to the Sigmund Freud Museum.

Then came The Covid. Get out of that one. Only allowed on the streets if you are exercising, going to work or performing essential tasks. What could be more essential than witnessing the latest chapter of West Ham are Massive (Everywhere They Go)? Anything bar this game it would seem.

So I decided to get my money back for the hotel, the ticket for the game and, finally, the flights. All that setting up and all that dismantling, doubly disappointing in the light of our first away defeat at Wolverhampton the weekend before, which I also went to.

Weirdly, this is West Ham’s first game behind closed doors since the end of last season’s home defeat against Everton in early May when Hammers’ Champions League place finally evaporated. I have the pleasure of BT’s Adam Southerton and his co-commentator ex-Leeds (254 goals in two spells) and England striker Lucy Ward. A magnificent strike rate, but rather prosaic on the mike. Still light years ahead of Adam Southerton who reads paragraphs of pre-prepared notes throughout the game for each of the players, none of which improves the experience of watching the game.

Nikola Vlašić, making a rare start for the Hammers, plays well, and engineers the first goal with a hovering cross towards the centre of the goal which Yarmolenko rises highest to meet with his head to lever the ball gently over Paul Gartler and give West Ham a lead five minutes before half-time. This is doubled in first half injury time when Noble finds Yarmolenko in the area with a neat reverse through ball, and the Ukrainian striker is felled by Maximilian Hofmann. Noble steps up to power the penalty kick past Gartler, and Hammers take a decent lead into the half time break.

The second half sees another couple of chances wasted by the nippy but ultimately profligate Bowen, and a delightful cameo by debutant striker Sonny Perkins, who almost scores with a late header from Coufal’s superb cross…

but it remains an excellent all-round performance that secures Hammers a quarter-final Europa League place in March 2022. In effect, four matches from the final in Seville, in south-west Spain.

13 Alphonse Areola, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 28 Tomas Soucek, 16 Mark Noble (C), 10 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 33 Alex Kral, 64 Sonny Perkins

Goalscorers: Andriy Yarmolenko, Mark
 Noble (penalty)

WOLVES ON SHEEP’S CLOTHES’ LINE

Wolverhampton 1 West Ham 0

One advantage of playing a team in gold and black is that you get to wear your first team colours on the road. Unless of course you’re Wolves playing away at Cambridge United. West Ham control the game for the first twenty minutes as they have done in away games for most of the season. The news that Ogbonna is probably out for the campaign after the knock against Liverpool doesn’t seem to have upset the mood or flow of the play. It’s good that Dawson is starting in his place, as that gets the Wolves’ fans interested (he is an Old Baggie, after all).

Cresswell is like a concrete post in the penalty area, blocking shot after shot, keeping Fabianski from getting his gloves dirty. On 33 minutes Jiménez gets round the back, but although he gets to the ball before Fabianski, his touch sends the ball just wide. Then Saiss heads just past the post from an inswinging corner. This is Wolves’ part of the game.

Just before half time Bowen chases what in 2019 might have been seen as a lost cause, and wins a corner, which he takes. Zouma bundles the ball in at the far post but is adjudged to have fouled the keeper. It was a superb inswinger from Bowen that he needn’t have taken the offensive to. He could have blown it in if he’d just stood back and waited. This is how games have been going away from home. Moyes will turn up the gas in the second half and Wolves will be overrun. But today that’s not how the narrative will pan out.

Wolves start the second half with momentum and almost score two in as many minutes, but Fabianski comes to the rescue. Cresswell and Bowen are the stars at either end of the pitch, and when they aren’t there, Fabianski is inviolable, fingertip saving a brilliant individual effort from Podence. But the goal comes, Jiménez hitting home from the edge of the area after a neat series of passes and Podence squaring the ball perfectly across into his path. Moyes immediately brings Lanzini on for Fornals, who seems to have taken a knock. This doesn’t feel quite right.

Zouma is having his first uncertain game in a West Ham shirt, which is unsettling for Dawson who is trying to keep the back four steady, and West Ham are struggling. Yarmolenko and Vlasic are brought on for Benrahma and Bowen in an early last throw of the dice. Moyes is determined to go big for goals. It doesn’t look like a great tactic five minutes after he’s committed his side to it.

Antonio v2.0 (Traoré) is on for Podence, as Wolves look to kill the game with a second. A 30,667 attendance is capacity for Molineux, and the home side have cleverly spread West Ham’s 3000 travelling fans across the back of the Steve Bull stand so they are unable to get themselves heard easily. Or that’s how it seems from this side of the ground. Maybe they have just accepted that what will be will be.

‘Champions League? You’re having a laugh!’ sing the Wolves’ fans. It’s a kind of inverted compliment. As the final whistle is blown, ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’ plays. I listen attentively to the lyrics. ‘Nothing ever lasts forever,’ I hear. They could be singing about our unbeaten away record this season.

Rice and Zouma had poor games. Soucek was almost non-existent. Yarmolenko and Vlasic made very little difference. Rice appeared in the second half but not for long. There is no Lingard to score those wonder goals that he poached here last season, though Manchester United are crumbling, and not looking like the choice they should have been for him. Though, for now, that’s all there is to say. Wolves, meanwhile, have moved up to sixth.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 15 Craig Dawson, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 11 Nicola Vlasic

TOTTENHAM GET BATTERED EVERYWHERE THEY GO

West Ham 3 Liverpool 2

Tottenham get battered, everywhere they go. Tottenham get battered everywhere they go. Everywhere they go. The Liverpool fixture, not for the first time, is the Remembrance Sunday match. Trevor Brooking has agreed to read the Flanders Fields poem before kick off this afternoon, and he makes a decent fist of it. Alisson, however, inexplicably fists Fornals’ fourth minute corner behind him into his own net.

Moyes starts the game with his top PL XI, preferring Johnson to Coufal, and the early goal, whilst not a complete surprise, is well received, especially after Alisson’s injury time headed goal winner last season against West Bromwich Albion which took Liverpool above West Ham at the end of 2020-21. This was despite the Reds coming off the back of a run of five successive home defeats. So this might be the return of those three points, an event that would take West Ham above Liverpool into third place in the Premier League, level with Manchester City. But as only five minutes have elapsed in this game so far, perhaps it’s unwise to appear premature.

And so it proves, as Liverpool demonstrate exactly how well they have started this season, aided by an injury to Angelo Ogbonna that sees him replaced by Craig Dawson after just 22 minutes. Mo Salah, Sadio Mané and Trent Alexander-Arnold, are all playing a neat one touch football that threatens to penetrate the Hammers’ defence on more than one occasion in the first half. Fabianski is busy, but equal to everything that is thrown at him in the first half hour. And then the free kick. Saleh wins it at the end of the first half with some trickery that flat foots Declan Rice, and from the kick, Salah engineers the chance for Alexander-Arnold to volley home spectacularly from twenty yards. Despite the sublime quality of the goal, it is Liverpool’s first strike on target in the half.

Emboldened by their domination, Liverpool play the high line in the second half, and Hammers catch them on the break with Dawson heading against the bar from a corner and then when Bowen finds Fornals with a brilliant through pass that the Spaniard tucks surgically beyond Alisson’s flailing fist. I’d always thought this might be a tight game, but Liverpool continue to play high, and from a resulting breakaway, Bowen’s deep corner to the far post is met powerfully by the jumping Kurt Zouma’s head. Despite waving another outstretched fist, Alisson is beaten for the third time. West Ham have sixteen minutes to hang on, and bring on Vladimir Coufal for Jarrod Bowen to make their intentions clear. Liverpool also respond in an attacking response by bringing on Origi for Jota, and the Belgian rewards Klopp’s klippeting with a decent strike from the edge of the box to close the gap to just one goal. Hammers nevertheless hold out firmly in defence thanks to the final substitution with Masuaku on for Benrahma.

This is Liverpool’s first defeat in the league since March 2021, and The Klapp bemoans the Alisson goal not being disallowed, and Aaron Cresswell not being sent off for a foul that he wasn’t even booked for. Both decisions were made after VAR study, so you’d probably conclude, not unreasonably, ‘bad sport.’

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 15 Craig Dawson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 26 Arthur Masuaku

Goalscorers: Alisson own goal, Pablo Fornals, Kurt Zouma

EUROPEAN TOUR, A EUROPEAN TOUR

KRC Genk 2 West Ham 2

Before the advent of The Brexit and The Covid, journeys to the European mainland were a straightforward matter. On one occasion I rocked up for a Parisbound Eurostar less than ten minutes before departure and was still allowed on. For this trip to Brussels though, the minimum time we are told to allow for check in is an hour and a half. But it was never going to be easy once we had drawn Racing Club Genk in our group, a team that plays its matches on an industrial estate and whose nickname is De Smurfen (The Smurfs). One half of the club used to be known as FC Winter Slag, but in 1988 the merger dropped the Slag part and (if this morning is anything to go by) kept the Winter.

In my bag I have my ticket verifier (form to be exchanged for a ticket at the ground), various train journey tickets (printed out), my double jab certificate, passenger locator forms, passport and 50 euros. West Ham’s allocation of tickets for the game was a little over a thousand, but I have managed to get one, something which makes this 313 mile herculean task of a journey seem a little more worthwhile. It’s the equivalent in UK driving terms of a shlep to Carlisle from where I am, so I’m hoping we don’t draw them in the cup. They’re playing Horsham FC of the Isthmian League in the first round on Saturday, so it’s not impossible.

I arrive at St. Pancras at 7.30, strictly speaking too late to board, but I am directed to a queue of sleepy-looking Hammers fans who will no doubt have already travelled a lot further than I have. Many of them have not got tickets, so it’s the old hope over experience syndrome kicking in. If the Genkians have an eye for an opportunity there will be bars around the ground showing the match live on giant TVs with plenty of that 13.5% proof Belgium Beer, all concocting a probable second kick off on the streets after the game with the local inhabitants. It might all well add up to West Ham playing one of the knock out round home fixtures behind closed doors. Yes, it’ll be like the Height of Covid all over again.

The Eurostar is full, but the clientele are well behaved, some ordering ‘skinny lattes’ in their London brogue. I have three unfinished Saturday papers to digest, but opt to people watch after flashing my Public Health Passenger Locator Form and getting the passport stamped. The few random families scattered amongst the travelling Irons look slightly uncomfortable, but it’s too early for sustained songs or raised voices.

The moment we stroll round the streets of Brussels, Europe without the UK looks no different. The majority of notices and placards outside the take away restaurants are written in English – with no local translation. Why when you’re finally rid of the Brits would you want to scrawl their fast food terminology everywhere? It’s the visual equivalent of stale rank cooking oil in your nostrils.

Starbucks is the known food option, with some local varieties. There’s even time to drop the bags off at the unstaffed password-protected hotel. The train to Genk is half full as we are travelling later than intended. It’s a mere lull as a glance at the commandeered ground bound coaches outside Genk Station reveals. The Hammers faithful will be herded to the venue in these glorified free cattle trucks.

No Soucek. Coufal is back.

Four minutes in and Genk are ahead. Joseph Paintsil is quickly on to Junya Ito’s wide pass and hits his shot early. Areola goes down to parry it with his right hand but merely deflects it against the post and in. The PA announcer is fresh up with his dull lone goal-celebration repertoire… The crowd respond mechanically. Joseph! (Paintsil!) Joseph! (Paintsil!) Joseph! (Paintsil!) The Genk faithful go Gonk. This wasn’t part of the plan. Masuaku looks a little out of sorts. Coufal is clearly not match fit. His passes lack their usual measure. Hammers have a few chances, but the rest of the half sinks into a routine of passing mediocrity.

David Moyes Claret and Blue Army! (We Hate Tottenham!) sing the travelling one thousand and seventy fans as the second half begins. The ailing Noble and Masuaku are removed, and replaced by fresh legs. Antonio is also dragged off, to be preserved for next Sunday.

Three subs. One minute. One goal. Benrahma.

Coufal cuts into the area this time and slides the ball square for Benrahma to slot home. West Ham have been behind for almost an hour, but as it is they then score a second, Cresswell’s pass finding Benrahma in the area, and he sidesteps his marker exquisitely before slotting home his second past Martin Vandervoort. And that should have been it.

Genk have no targetman or striker, which suggests they will go home empty-handed. Indeed when the substituted Preciado hits a hopeful ball towards the far post, it looks innocuous enough until Soucek’s effort to head clear deflects the ball past Areola. The French World Cup winner might have saved that on another day if he’d been concentrating more and covering his near post. As it is he merely flaps at the space where it should have passed him and Genk are level. The PA Announcer attempts to suggest Angelo Paintsil had put the final touches to Preciado’s cross, but we know better.

Two genius Benrahma goals in a sandwich either side of two weak-handed errors from Areola mean that West Ham will in all probability go through tonight, qualifying as group champions if they win either of their remaining two fixtures.

All that remained of the fixture was getting back to Blighty. The return free coaches were rammed with fans, each unwilling (or unable) to surrender their hard-earned position under someone’s boot, or draw their face back from out of a fan’s anonymous groin area. A couple of fans fainted on the coach and there was talk of another having lost a finger celebrating West Ham’s second goal. I made a mental note not to attempt to emulate Michail Antonio’s goal celebrations if we score at Rapid Vienna’s ground for fear of accidentally dislocating my hip or rupturing my spleen. Following your team around Europe was never this much fun in the old days.

The train journey back from Brussels the next day seemed like the revenge of the EU, even though it was British customs officials who insisted on SAS regimented border checks and questioning techniques that even the Stasi might have considered a little harsh. Combining all that with trying to download a Covid form in a customs vestibule with little or no Wi-Fi with fifteen minutes to go till the Eurostar departed induced a little unnecessary atrial tachycardia to the system. Staggering out of St. Pancras International just after half past seven, I finally began making my sober way home, my mask still wound tightly around my face. And there was still the £69 PCR test to complete and scan off the results of in the next two days.

Covidabudobulous!

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 16 Mark Noble (C), 41 Declan Rice, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 28 Tomas Soucek, 8 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 33 Alex Kral

Goalscorers: Saïd Benrahma (2)

#GENKGUNK #BrazenBenny #WereAllGoingOnAEuropeanTour #WHUFC #COYI #AreolaBillViola #TomasSoucekOwnsGoalAgain

VILLA KILLAS

Aston Villa 1 West Ham 4

A good time to play Aston Villa on the back of three successive defeats? Perhaps, but there are few sides that the Hammers would fear on current form. Villa have dropped their captain (Tyrone Mings), never a good sign, especially for a player for whom the auto correct function on my phone prefers to rename Throne Minus. Then there is their number ten signing from Norwich, Emiliano Buendía Stati, who regular readers of this column will remember featuring in excoriating prose from a previous Hammers game v Norwich that ended up 4-0 back in Behind Closed Doors days. Looks like a cat with more than one life.

West Ham take an early lead through the left foot of right back Ben Johnson, starting for only the third time in the PL and keeping the now fit Vladimir Coufal on the bench. Aston Villa keeper Emiliano Martinez looks to have been temporarily blinded as the ball passes him, evidenced by a slice of lip-reading which reveals his declaration to his puzzled defenders, ‘I didn’t see it.’ Hammers then endeavour to add to their lead, but Polish defender Mattio Cashivic acrobatically blocks two successive goalbound shots by Jarrod Bowen.

Buendia’s timely run and cross then sets up Ollie Watkins for an unexpected equaliser on 34 minutes, on one of Villa’s rare forays into the West Ham half. Just when the cynics in the crowd start to believe the season might be coming apart at the seams, Declan Rice restores Hammers’ lead with a low right-footed shot with a similar bobbling trajectory to that of Johnson’s, half an hour earlier.

Villa enjoyed that lead for a mere three minutes.

The second half opens with an intriguing passage of play that sees first Fornals poleaxed by a right elbow from Kortney Hause and then Bowen floored by Ezri Konza as he prepares to take the loose ball through one on one into the area. Konza is booked, and when the referee Chris Kavanagh is given a VAR opportunity to send off either one of two of the defenders, he goes for Konza. Villa are gone, or should be. A long throw by Cashcou is turned out for McGinn, whose cross is headed onto the bar by Ollie Watkins, only failing to score thanks to a finger-tip save from Fabianski.

It’s the last chance for Villa in every sense when Lanzini comes on for Benrahma to generate more pace up front. On the counter Bowen hits in a shot that Martinez can only parry into the path of Fornals, and it’s 3–1. The final goal that takes Hammers to four on the road again is scored when Antonio finds Lanzini in the area whose unselfish pass to Bowen at the corner of the six yard box is clinically dispatched.

Hammers are now fourth in the Premier League, only denied third place on goal difference from Manchester City. And with second-placed Liverpool to come this time next week, these are wonderful days for David Moyes’ West Ham.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 11 Nicola Vlasic

Goalscorers: Ben Johnson, Declan Rice, Pablo Fornals, Jarrod Bowen

CITYSCAPE

West Ham 0* Manchester City 0

The depth of City’s squad generates a sigh when the teams are announced an hour before the game. For City, their ‘reserve’ team includes De Bruyne, Stones and Zinchenko, but don’t be fooled. Grealish, Cancelo, Laporte and Foden are on the bench. West Ham’s Starting XI meanwhile includes Lanzini, Dawson, Masuaku, Noble, Yarmolenko and Vlasic. In any other season you’d abandon all hope from this point on. But there is something magical about 2021-22. City may well find out just what that is in the next ninety minutes.

I am in a fairly creative mood myself this evening, having just realised in the Year of Covid that the only person you can feel really safe shaking hands with at the club is Bubbles Man, a man who spends 90% of his life covered from head to toe in hot water and soap flakes. This is the most creative moment in the first half beyond a shot from Mark Noble which Jack Steffen beats out straight to the relieved clearing feet of Fernandinho.

The stats show an absolute monsoon of possession from City over the first 45 but, let’s face it, they don’t create a single decent chance. I wonder momentarily whether they are genuinely trying not to score. After all they beat Brighton away 4-1 on Saturday, a team that have themselves kept several clean sheets in the PL this season, currently 5th, in front of Spurs on goal difference. and they beat them 4-1.

I sense a residue of Hammers’ supporter doubt which I shake off over a half time brew from the flask. The second half ignites into life not unlike the pre-match fire starter display, and City start to play the kind of football that won them the league last season. John Stones has his header from De Bruyne’s cross on the hour brilliantly tipped over by Areola. Soucek is a minute earlier a couple of feet wide with a snatched shot from just inside the area. West Ham then fashion a triple substitution, bringing on Benrahma, Bowen and Fornals for Masuaku, Vlasic and Yarmolenko. It will prove significant, but not in the way you might have thought.

So now it’s ‘up the aunty’ again. (see game v Spurs for further details) Lanzini has his goalbound effort blocked, and Fernandinho heads over when it seems easier to score. Soucek hits his next shot wide with the goal in his sights and then Raheem Stirling, who has had a very quiet game, heads almost straight at Areola from just a few yards out. They are doing this deliberately, aren’t they? Or is it nerves? It’s doing nothing for my nerves, that’s for sure.

So it’s penalties. Noble wins the toss. I know he will take the first one, and that he’ll score, but beyond that I know nothing. Beyond that, though, is Phil Foden, who is first up for City. He scuffs his penalty wide, not unlike Marcus Rashford in the Euros, only without the flashy stop start run up. So we have only to score the other four to win. Bowen steps up. Goal. Cancelo dispatches their second penalty. Dawson steps up. Goal. Jesus scores a cheeky third. I’d call that a Ribena rather than a Rabona. Cresswell takes an age with the fourth. Goal. Grealish unsurprisingly hits their fourth home. He should have taken one for England at Wembley in July. So it’s down to our fifth penalty taker. If he scores, we are through.

And up steps Saïd Benrahma. He has no form with this either way, but he does look confident. What pressure to know that your kick wins the match. If you miss, the lost initiative may well lose the game. Thud! Benrahma hits the back of the net. West Ham are in the quarter-finals of the Carabao Cup, City exiting the competition for the first time since 2016. Wow.

(* West Ham win on penalties, 5-3)

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 31 Ben Johnson, 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 28 Tomas Soucek, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 16 Mark Noble (c), 11 Nikola Vlašić

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 5 Vladimir Coufal

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma hits the winning penalty to take West Ham through to the quarter-finals

EARNING YOUR SPURS

West Ham 1 Tottenham Hotspur 0

Time was when this game might have fired up fear and trepidation at concerns about yet another home defeat to the auld sea anemone. These days it’s not even a Category A game. Spurs have been set back by a miserable midweek defeat in the Europe Conference League, the Almost Ran Cup or whatever they’re calling it. These days this is their cup final. My mind is for now more on the Manchester City cup game on Wednesday. The three points today would be useful though, and will push the home defeats against Manchester United and Brentford firmly into the past terrace of tents.

This afternoon Antonio is the powerful rested racehorse with an enviably successful record against the Spurs, and The Man Most Likely To. West Ham start well, building from the back, keeping possession, looking for a gap through which to play. If only Spurs could play this game on paper, they must be thinking, rather than on the London Stadium pitch.

Moura and Romero manage some neat touches in the first twenty minutes, but Spurs seem to have little else to combat Hammers’ slow measured build up. Son seems unable to control the ball with his normal finesse and Kane is the disappointed lethario, seemingly wanting the ball to control itself, which of course it cannot. Looks like he will remain a lifer under Daniel Levy, as no one wants to buy a sourpuss has-been. His England teammate Declan Rice, now in opposition, is proving embarrassingly stronger in the tackle and the passing. Moyes said at his midweek press conference that teams have now missed the chance to get Rice at the bargain basement price of £100m, the asking price being now more like £150m. On current form there are few who would argue with him…

One of the delights of the Hammers’ performance this afternoon is the form of Ben Johnson, filling in at right wing back in the absence of the injured Vladimir Coufal. He is reliable on and off the ball, and crosses well when the opportunities arise.

Spurs have their chances, a break that gives Son a view on goal, but Fabianski is well positioned to save the shot, as he is to tip over Kane’s header later in the first half. Despite what has to have been a serious telling off at the break, Spurs seem to have few ideas in the second half, resembling a bunch of decent players who met in the pub an hour before the game to plan tactics.

When it comes, the goal is an act of stunning simplicity. Fornals shot is finger tipped over by Hugo Lloris for a corner which Cresswell hits low into the danger zone and, sidestepping his marker Kane like a piece of dog poo on the pavement, Antonio sidefoots past Lloris. One-nil, as David Coleman would surely have responded.

The remaining twenty minutes of knockabout on the London Stadium pitch say more about Nuno’s forthcoming issues with his team than they do about David Moyes’ boys current nous to see out games from a winning position.

There were Hammers fans who raised an eyebrow at Antonio’s pre-season decision to requisition the number 9 shirt for 2021-22, rested since the departure of Andy Carroll but, after yet another winner against Spurs, he can now claim to have made it his own.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini, 15 Craig Dawson

Goalscorer: Michail Antonio

MAKING A STENK OF KFC GENK

West Ham 3 KRC Genk 0

This European adventure is something the Slav should have taken more seriously, but he didn’t want it detracting from his plan of getting his West Ham team to recapture that 2015-16 ‘Last Season At The Boleyn’ form. What he didn’t consider was using the competition to keep the whole of his squad match fit. David Moyes has adopted this more astute philosophy, and will this evening have had the chance to remark that Areola has a slight uncertainty complex about crosses, which he didn’t have to observe in a humiliating PL defeat, as Gunk were in this game unable to capitalise on it. They did have the ball in the net in the first ten minutes, the ‘goal’ scored by their number 10 Théo Bongonda, who was correctly flagged for offside before he could even wonder what kind of goal celebration he might embark upon to satisfy Gunk’s hundred or so travelling fans at the other end of the ground. Bongonda was one of the pretty lights on the otherwise dismal visiting tree that looked good only for uprooting. And so it proves.

Craig Dawson must consider himself a little unlucky to have appeared in the form of his life in the 2020-21 season at the centre of the West Ham defence, only to see the purchase of (Captain) Kurt Zouma from Chelsea reduce his status to mere useful squad central defender. Tonight though he has the chance to remind all present of his talents, such as they are. Cresswell, who currently has lives in both the PL and Europa League, hits in another of his well aimed out-swinging corners in first half injury time and Dawson rises high to head-shoulder in from the edge of the six yard box.

The second half sees West Ham up the aunty somewhat, as it were, emboldened by the combative thrust of Soucek, his lip and part of his face now plasticised after a late challenge at Goodison at the weekend. Quite what kissing must be like with a plastic lip is not something that concerns the Czech at the post as Hammers pile up the corner count. Then, two in a minute. Diop heads in another Cresswell cross, off the bar, and Bowen bashes in from wide on the break after being put through by Lanzini to make it three before the hour.

Hammers have won their three European games without conceding a goal, and although two of the remaining fixtures are away from home, they’ll now be feeling confident of skipping the next round to the second knock out stage in 2022.

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 31 Ben Johnson, 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 28 Tomas Soucek, 41 Declan Rice (C), 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 16 Mark Noble, 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 51 Daniel Chesters

Goalscorers: Craig Dawson, Issa Diop, Jarrod Bowen

GLADYS NIGHT AND DAY VICTORIES

Everton 0 West Ham 1

Everton have beaten West Ham more than any other football team in history. West Ham haven’t beaten Everton away in successive seasons for 90 years. When I read those two stats I conclude, possibly perversely, that this looks like a second successive away win against the chewed up toffees.

West Ham’s home defeat against Brentford a fortnight ago before the international break seemed an unjust conclusion to a decent run of form across three competitions. In the event West Ham put the defeat behind them in the first half an hour at Goodison Park, leading from the front, with the power and guile of Michail Antonio, booked for alleged simulation after ten minutes, and the cut and thrust of Declan Rice, a diamond in midfield. At one stage the Sky stat bar reveals West Ham have enjoyed 82% possession. Previous travelling Hammers’ fans would anticipate an Everton uprising from the revelation of the dominatrix stat, but it doesn’t happen in the first half from the blue shirted scousers, who are currently enjoying a 100% success record at home this season.

Tomas Souček has a goal ruled out by VAR for the second successive away game, this one confirmed on the replay as a late run that didn’t quite beat the offside trap. Seven minutes later Fornals sees his measured curled effort from twenty yards beat the dive of Pickford but also his left hand post, by just a few inches.

Everton make some progress in the second half, but most of their moves break down due to a lack of communication between the players, possibly aggravated by the international break, possibly because they’ve looked pretty shite throughout.

Finally the goal comes. Antonio wins a corner after an aerial challenge with Pickford under the crossbar, the ball pinging off the corner of the upright and away for another set piece opportunity. Bowen’s corner is expertly headed home by Ogbonna, who beats Godfrey on the corner of the six yard box and puts West Ham ahead with just over ten minutes left.

Rondon then accidentally catches Soucek in the face with his boot after passing the fallen Czech. Soucek may not have scored today, but he wears his blood Bonds-like as he did last season. Antonio chases an apparent lost cause in the 80th minute and recovers the ball. He has run himself into the ground throughout the game, and has proved quite the striking force behind this victory. Lanzini gets four minutes of action at the end with Benrahma leaving the field, and at the death Pickford saves superbly from Bowen to keep the deficit down to just one.

Everton’s 100% home record has perished and Hammers re-enter the top six in the Premier League without too much effort expended.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 41 Declan Rice (c), 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 31 Ben Johnson, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 15 Craig Dawson, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini

Goalscorer: Angelo Ogbonna

BUS STOP IN HOUNSLOW

West Ham 1 Brentford 2

Sides newly promoted to the Premier League have often fancied their chances of nabbing points on their first visit to London Stadium. This is a hope predicated on Hammers’ lousy first four seasons at that once most Olympic of venues. There is also the open football that West Ham play often leading to open goals, often missed.

Brentford start the game on the attack from the first minute, with Bryan Mbeumo twice finding himself in early scoring positions from where he is inches away from capitalising on, his second effort clipping the bar, with Fabianski a couple of pub crawls away from the effort. And then just when it looks as though the early danger has passed, Ivan Toney’s flick puts Serge Canos through, and though Fabianski parries his effort, Mbeumo is on hand to tuck away the rebound, with a shot that the replay indicates has just crossed the line.

An Austrian Ultras European victory hangover behind them, West Ham begin to shut Brentford down towards the end of the half, but each time they close in on goal they have Pontus Jansson to reckon with. It seems like many of Thursday’s heroes are experiencing tiredness, even though not all played. Moyes looks frustrated with every kick.

The second half provides ample proof that Brentford are more than capable of defending their first half lead, and the west London side often seem to have twelve players, such is their ability to stifle West Ham’s creative efforts in numbers. Just ten minutes remain when Hammers finally break their self-imposed deadlock, Jarrod Bowen drilling home the loose ball for his first goal in sixteen matches.

The full comeback now looks on, as Brentford have not had a sniff at goal throughout the second half, but Thomas Frank’s two substitutes provide the unexpected impetus to launch one final injury time attack, and although Jansson’s header is superbly saved by Fabianski, the second substitute, Wissa, drills home the rebound.

A second successive 1-2 home defeat ends this time with a goal so late that there is no coming back, the final whistle blown a matter of seconds after the kick off. Food for thought, and that bus stop in Hounslow is now occupied by a queue of screaming, waving west London fans, bloated with belief. The Silence of the Ham Fans will need an effective response from their team, this full strength side that have just been outdone by the Premier League new boys, when they next take to the field at Goodison Park in a fortnight’s time.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen

RABID VIENNA

West Ham 2 Rapid Vienna 0

The last time West Ham won a game at home in a European competition was against NK Osijek on 16th September 1999, in a game in which Javier Margas dyed his hair claret and blue. That night West Ham won 3-0 with goals from Paulo Wanchope, Paolo Di Canio and Frank Lampard. Twenty-two years later would it be a different story? Tonight West Ham will take the lead with a goal from the feet of a man who was not born then, Declan Rice. But before then West Ham take to the pitch with a side similar to the one who won at Old Trafford in the League Cup last Wednesday. It’s the same day a new statue has been unveiled in the grounds of the stadium by Geoff Hurst, and it features him, Bobby Moore and Martin Peters modelled from a photograph taken after the club had won the European Cup Winners Cup at Wembley in 1965, almost exactly a year before England won the World Cup at the same venue. Nice timing if you can get it.

Declan Rice and Mark Noble start together tonight for the first time in a while, and Craig Dawson is back in the starting XI. So what does that mean, exactly? Does David Moyes take this European competition seriously? Is this hubris about to dump the Hammers out of the cup?

Declan Rice leaps like a salmon at the far post in the minute to head Aaron Cresswell’s free kick against the inside the foot of the post and out again to safety. Just four minutes later and Craig Dawson gets on the end of a brilliant corner from Cresswell but he now hits the other post with a colossal, but ultimately off target, header.

Two minutes later the goal comes from Declan Rice who gets on the end of Michail Antonio’s assist from Yarmolenko’s searching pass. This is good, and it’s two in two in the competition from Rice.

The Rabid Vienna fans react in twentieth century fashion by jumping over the barrier of their section of the ground and charge at the horrified West Ham stewards who thought they were at the ground for a cup of tea and lazy chat with their underpaid mates. To their eternal credit, they throw themselves into the onslaught and hold the ultras back, but they are unable to stop the raining down of plastic bottles seemingly hurled from another decade. West Ham were being welcomed to another side of Europe. How dare they score?

The second half generates another incident (73rd minute) to keep the Austrian fans interested, a disputed penalty after a challenge from Ben Johnson on Grull. Referee Tobias Stieler, who has deemed the challenge illegal, is summoned to the video screen to correct his error, which he does with the usual pomp. The crazies behind the goal are momentarily silenced.

The game finishes with a momentary cushion for West Ham that they have been denied for most of the game as Saïd Benrahma, head down, deep into injury time, takes a pass from Bowen and curls his shot into the corner of the net. Top of the group with six points and four goals scored, without reply.

As for the away fans, the shirtless Emperor Ming lookalike with the sculptured eyebrows seemed to have captured the travelling mood, reflecting on his decision to undertake a sea of expensive covid tests just to witness his team’s mediocre performance on the road.

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 31 Ben Johnson, 15 Craig Dawson, 16 Mark Noble (c), 23 Issa Diop, 41 Declan Rice, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio, 11 Nikola Vlašić

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 26 Arthur Masuaku

Goalscorers: Declan Rice, Saïd Benrahma

ANTONIO ANTONIO ANTONIO

Leeds United 1 West Ham 2

Leeds United. What a reinvention. From a cynical team of bruisers who’d been sentenced to almost two decades away from the top flight only to return as this svelte compendium of one touch purveying football genius, easy on the eye and selling everything that is good about the game by the lorryload. But they haven’t won yet in 2020-21. And you want them to, if you love football, so when they take the lead through Raphinha after a rare ball-watching error from Soucek allows Klich to set up Leeds’ top scorer to strike the ball home from the edge of the area, you can’t feel too bad about it. Then Raphinha hits the post and the critical east end muse returns. In the last action of the half Fornals finds himself one on one with the twelve year old Leeds’ keeper Meslier, who shape shifts into a twelve foot human manhole cover to block the effort which bounces out of harm’s way into touch.

The second half sees strength begin to prevail over subtlety, but Soucek’s equaliser is VARred off the scoresheet for an earlier foul on the keeper from Antonio. Klick misses a great chance before Bowen’s beavering in the area leads to a shot that Junior Firpo obligingly deflects into his own net via his left buttock. Antonio then has a further couple of half chances until Rice picks him out in the final minute to elegantly sidestep challenges before rifling home the winner.

Leeds’ manager Marcelo Bielsa sums it up poignantly in his post match translation with the telling analysis that ‘in the end, all of our sacrifices crystallised.’ Leeds have equalled their worst start to a season, but are still playing the beautiful game as it should be played. It’s unlikely we will have to wait too much longer for their first win of 2021-22.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 28 Tomas Souček,, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 11 Nikola Vlašić, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 16 Mark Noble

Goalscorer: Junior Firpo (Own Goal), Michail Antonio

NOBILITY CITY

Manchester United 0 West Ham 1

League Cup Round 3

I remember once believing if two sides played each other over a single week, once in a cup game and once in the league, that you would never get the same result in terms of who won. I threw that theory away when West Ham played Everton twice at home over five days in 201? and managed to lose both games. I couldn’t bring myself to resurrect that old dead theory when Hammers drew Manchester United in their bye-bye League Cup Third Round fixture last month. I felt vindicated when they lost in the manner they did last Sunday afternoon.

This evening is odd in that if I’d have been Moyes I might well have put out the second string team that he has chosen to field, but I’d have felt justified in putting out Michail Antonio following his suspension for Sunday’s fixture. Mikey, however, is not even on the bench. West Ham haven’t won in their last seventeen visits to Old Trafford, but records are there to be broken, something that won’t be lost on debutants Areola and Kral.

Yarmolenko starts the Hammers well by setting up Bowen, who has a clean shot at goal but scuffs his shot somewhat. Then six minutes later, West Ham are ahead, Manuel Lanzini drilling home from the edge of the area after a neat passing build up involving Kral and Fredericks who, running past the touch line into the advertising hoardings, injures himself and looks not long for a role in the game. A minute later Lingard tussles with Mark Noble in the area and claims a penalty, but with no VAR available, the admittedly decent appeal vaporises into nothing. Serves him right, you might argue, for wanting to stay at the club rather than effect a permanent move to London Stadium. Areola subsequently produces a superb one handed back-peddling save from Juan Mata’s brilliant angled dipping volley. Fredericks now limps off to be replaced by Coufal.

Both Lanzini and Kral are in sparkling form, and link well in the middle of the pitch with Yarmolenko. Inspiring to see squad players at the heart of such a promising performance, especially with Manchester United looking less than half a team. Sancho is making a rare first team appearance since the arrival of Ronaldo, but cuts a rather lonely figure with Lingard and Van De Beek involved in most of the build up play down the right. Noble brings Lingard down again, this time just outside the area. If he’s trying to make a point, the Hammers’ captain has made it, and takes Mata out a couple of minutes later with a body check that a security guard at Stringfellows might have been proud of.

Areola looks like the international keeper he is, commanding his area effectively, never fazed by the antics of Manchester United’s overpaid reserve team. Bizarre that Manchester City struggle to get 30,000 at the Emptihad for some of their Champions League home games, whereas there are more than 70,000 here at Old Trafford tonight for this Carabao Cup Third Round tie. Hammers’ fans are making enough noise to suggest that half of that figure might be them.

What is most surprising about this game is how confident West Ham look, on and off the ball, and how clueless Manchester United seem to be, as if their side have all been drugged with some horse-tampering stimulant. Bruno Fernandes and Mason Greenwood are already warming up, just ten minutes in to the second half. Yarmolenko remembers he is an international and fires just wide on the hour from outside the area. He goes even closer as the final whistle beckons, hitting the post when put through by Noble. Was it easier to score? Ask Noble, who just a minute later is put through by Bowen and this time he is the one who squanders a gilt-edged chance. It’s end to end in the last five but West Ham have the better chances, and Bowen sees his shot saved in front of the post by Henderson. Even four injury time minutes isn’t enough to save Manchester United, who exit the competition. West Ham have just under an hour to celebrate the victory until the Fourth Round draw pits them against Manchester City, a side who haven’t lost in this competition for five years. Well, it was good while it lasted.

13 Alphonse Areola, 31 Ben Johnson, 15 Craig Dawson, 23 Issa Diop, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 33 Alex Kral, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 16 Mark Noble (c), 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 5 Vladimir Coufal, 8 Pablo Fornals, 11 Nikola Vlašić

Goalscorer: Manuel Lanzini

IGNOBLE

West Ham 1 Manchester United 2

One minute of deafening applause for one of England’s greatest strikers preceded the action of this match. Jimmy Greaves has died this very morning, aged 81. An unsurpassed international career of 44 England goals in just 57 appearances still looks like a goal per game average that no one will ever equal. He even managed a couple of years in a West Ham shirt (1970, 1971) in a swap plus cash for another England great, Martin Peters. Whenever he was fed the ball as a lone striker, Greaves often made it look at times as though he had the ball on a piece of string, only abandoning it once he had run the length of half the pitch, rolling the ball gently past the keeper and into the net, something he did many, many times.

Last season West Ham were victims of a rare failing of VAR, in its blind spot in their home fixture against Manchester United, which ended in a 1-3 home defeat. Having led at the interval, Dean Henderson’s long curling clearance after a sustained West Ham second attack saw the ball curl out of play as it was hit downfield. The referee and onfield players all missed its true trajectory, Paul Pogba hit an equaliser from the break, and United went on to win 3-1.

So, it’s a game with recent history. Indeed the last time West Ham beat Manchester United was when the Reds were under José Mourinho’s stewardship, in a pre-Moyes and pre-Covid moment. You’d have every reason to be cautious about this game if you were a West Ham United fan, and as a pre-fascist Morrissey might have put it, you’d be ‘not wrong’. Michail Antonio’s dismissal against Southampton meant Hammers had no recognised striker, only a bunch of fake nines.

Home debuts for Zouma and Vlašić gave the Hammers’ side a slightly unknown feel, but the first twenty minutes saw Hammers’ distribution and covering at its toppest notch, Rice, Zouma and Ogbonna all secure in their last line status. Both sides looked a little flummoxed and energy-sapped from their midweek European adventures, but the game came alive on the half hour when Saïd Benrahma collected the ball from Bowen after a cheeky back heel from Coufal, and Benrahma’s goalbound shot nestled in the opposite corner to the one intended, after a deflection off Varane.

Five minutes later and Manchester United were level, Fernandes’ clever chip putting Ronaldo in line one on one, and although Fabianski saved his first effort, Ronaldo neatly slotted home the rebound. A VAR cancellation scare proved unwarranted, as it was only Ronaldo’s arm that was offside. Fabianski kept a fierce shot out from Ronaldo six minutes later as Man United sensed a swing in the pace of the game. A minute later Cresswell slotted in a ball from the left to Vlašić, whose instant hit was whipped agonisingly over the bar. What a start that would have been to his Premier League career. There was very little extra to trouble the scorers before half time, however. It looked at this point like one of those games that both teams would be happy to take a point from, but I didn’t believe that for a moment.

Barely a minute into the second half, an error from Fornals let Fred loose to find Ronaldo, and only a brilliant save by Fabianski stopped the Portuguese wunderkind from giving Manchester United the lead. West Ham broke quickly from the move to the other end and Fornals flicked a Bowen cross just wide. Yarmolenko came on for Vlašić to give West Ham a little more bite in the final third, followed shortly by the bitter sweet appearance of Jesse Lingard, cheered at the London Stadium, on for Paul Pogba in the 73rd minute. Even then it looked just like a thoughtful gesture from the Manchester United manager, but in the 89th minute, one of the other substitutes Matic found Jesse Lingard loose in the area, and he sidestepped Zouma before hitting a sickeningly beautiful shot into the top corner past Fabianski. The maudlin expressions on the faces of West Ham supporters were beyond tragedy. How could this happen? Easily. This is Jesse Lingard, after all. This was the player they had wanted to keep after the many excellent performances he had fashioned at this ground and in West Ham colours. He did not celebrate the goal.

But, incredibly, it wasn’t all over. In the last minute of injury time Yarmolenko managed to create an unthinkable last chance opportunity for West Ham to achieve an unlikely injury time equaliser, with a right-footed cross into the United area. It clearly fooled Luke Shaw who must have thought the Ukrainian’s right foot was there purely to fill his trouser leg, and the England defender handled the ball, almost punching it away. VAR confirmed the event in slo-mo time, to the horror of Manchester United fans, already celebrating their away win in loud ringing vocal tones. But what’s this? Mark Noble preparing to come on as a substitute to take the penalty from the outstretched arms of on-field captain Declan Rice? This is West Ham, don’t forget. David Moyes must have missed England’s antics at the Euro 2020 final.

Mark Noble’s penalties, since his turning professional, have seen a strike rate of 38/42, the last of the missed four being against Burnley in December 2016, though he did score from the rebound on that occasion. As for his momentary adversary, De Gea hadn’t actually saved a penalty since April 2016, so something had to give in this extraordinary end to the match. From a West Ham point of view, it was to be either a gladiator’s success or a desperate disappointment of a decision. The crowd needed longer to prepare for such a momentous event, but were now even out of injury time. This would be it, a point or defeat.

The penalty was hit to De Gea’s left, but at a decent height, and the Spanish keeper guessed right and beat it away. The Russian roulette moment was over almost as quickly as it had arrived, as was the match. And while Noble reflected on the decision to enter the lions’ den, West Ham had to be content at the referee’s final whistle with the knowledge that they would be playing United again on Wednesday, in the Carabao Cup, this time at Old Trafford, but at least they’d have Michail Antonio back.

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 8 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 16 Mark Noble

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma

JOINING EUROPE AGAIN

Dinamo Zagreb 0 West Ham United 2

West Ham have two teams out tonight for their first Europa League contest of 2021-22. The first is the XI Moyes has selected to start the game, including debutants Vlašić and Zouma, with Diop, Fredericks and Lanzini having their first starts of the season. The second XI is on the bench. All twelve of them. So if Zagreb decide to not turn up, the crowd will still have a decent competitive match to watch. UEFA. They don’t miss a trick.

Looking at the team selection makes it clear that Moyes is going to use the UEFA Europa League competition to blood his new signings, all of whom have had European experience at the top level. Then there’s Declan Rice who has just played in all England’s games en route to the Euro 2020 final, but who is making his debut in a UEFA fixture.

So much to consider for the positioning of this game. Hammers’ last European Fixture (other than qualifying rounds) was the 2006-07 two-legged 4-0 defeat against Palermo, guest-starring two unfit Argentinians, and Cole and Harewood who each hit the woodwork over the two legs. Prior to that it was the 1999-2000 Inter-Toto games against FC Jokerit, Heerenveen and FC Metz, and UEFA Cup fixtures against NK Osijek and Romania’s Steaua Bucharest. Prior to that they reached the 1980-81 3rd round of the Cup Winners Cup, the 1976 final appearance, a 65-66 semi-final and the one European success at Wembley in 1965. A seventh proper season in Europe out of 56. The mathematics is simple. West Ham have managed to qualify for full European competitions for exactly one eighth of the last 56 seasons. Compare that with the qualifying records of Arsenal, Chelsea or Tottenham. On second thoughts, don’t. The average would otherwise suggest we won’t get another set of European fixtures for seven years.

BT Sport have tonight made Tottenham’s pokey Europa Conference League game their main fixture. Why be angry? West Ham are part of the big six now. The past means nothing. Though I note that the last time West Ham won a UEFA competition fixture was against another Croatian team, NK Osijek.

The first fifteen minutes are all West Ham. Corners, possession and an increasing confidence. And this is against Dinamo Zagreb, the one top seeded team in the group. Zagreb finally muster a free kick on the edge of the West Ham area, which Oršić wastes. In the twenty-first minute Kevin Theophile-Catherine, flustered by the presence of Lanzini, short passes back to his keeper Livaković, and Antonio steals in with two touches to expertly steer the ball into the unguarded net. “Hammer Time!” says BT’s commentator for the night, Peter Drury. It’s an absolute gift, and hardly surprising from the passage of play thus far. Ryan Fredericks is through one on one just three minutes later, but fires straight at the keeper. Could have been two in two minutes.

The Dinamo Zagreb fans sing with an animated relentless passion despite their team’s rather disjointed and listless performance. Vlašić plays with a vigour and energy that is pleasing. Zouma looks like he’s been a Hammer all his life. Lanzini gets a yellow for an enthusiastic but ultimately fair ball-winning tackle on a whingeing Petkovic. Rice squares up to the referee in anger. It’s all go, mama.

It’s more of the same in the second half. West Ham fans are programmed by their history to attribute any club success to the mediocrity of the opposition. But now? They look like a tight and well-organised outfit tonight. Five minutes in and Rice, picking up a loose ball in his own half, begins one of those mazy runs that generally ends with the ball blasted over, an over hit through ball pass or a cross that no one can reach… This time the West Ham captain goes it alone, and slots the ball left-footed through the legs of Livaković. The celebrations are rampant, so much so that Zagreb’s number five Arijan Ademi tries to break them up. Hilarious. Especially as, or perhaps because, it was him chasing back that Rice ultimately humiliated.

Zagreb respond in flashes, but whenever they threaten, Souček, Zouma and Diop are there to clear up. Leicester and Spurs are both held in their respective fixtures after leading 2-0, so West Ham are the only UK winners from this evening’s games. Suck on that you other, more successful, sides. Speaking of which, how did Arsenal do? Surely they have qualified for Europe this season?

1 Lucasz Fabiański, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 4 Kurt Zouma, 23 Issa Diop, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Nikola Vlašić, 8 Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 26 Arthur Masuaku, 16 Mark Noble, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Goalscorers: Michail Antonio, Declan Rice

International Referee: Ruddy Buquet (La France)

DAMP QUIP

Southampton 0 West Ham 0

Manuel Pellegrini’s last win as a West Ham manager was at Southampton’s Saint Mary’s stadium in December 2019, after which he stated, ‘Never lose trust in what we do.’ Sébastien Haller, one of the Chilean’s signings, scored a rare winner. But trust was in short supply in those pre-pandemic days, and two weeks later Pellegrini was sacked. Since then, Pellegrini’s replacement David Moyes has taken his West Ham team there to an empty stadium in December 2020, marshalling his side to a 0-0 draw in a game that saw on loan Craig Dawson make his debut. Ralph Hassenhuttl managed that game from his sick bed, but didn’t have any pictures to respond to, just a voice at the end of a phone line. David Moyes’ side had come off the back of a 2-2 draw with Brighton. After the 0-0 result they went to Everton, won 1-0, sold Haller, signed Jesse Lingard on loan and the rest was joy.

No Lingard today, but West Ham are coming off the back of a 2-2 home draw. Spurs have just lost 3-0 at Crystal Palace, so there’s a marked feeling of delighted anticipation in all the Hammers’ fans who have bothered to make the journey to the coast.

The anticipation seems premature in a first half devoid of any genuine scoring opportunities for either side apart from a goalbound effort from Moussa Djenepo being headed out of danger by Craig Dawson, a player who must have his eyes trained on Kurt Zouma on the bench, West Ham’s £25m French international defender. After a year of superb performances for the Hammers, the ex-West Brom and Watford 31 year old defender proves today that losing his place in the first team is unlikely to be a voluntary act.

The second half is marginally more entertaining, Jarrod Bowen unlucky with a near post volley and Armando Broja hitting the post after a mesmerising run. Rice then protected Hammers’ clean sheet, clearing Broja’s near post flick off the line.

All that remains is for Antonio to grab a red card after a wild tackle on Djenepo. He will miss next Sunday’s game against Manchester United. That’s a chance for someone to play the false number nine. Maybe this is how Zouma gets a first team place without ousting Dawson.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Said Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 11 Nikola Vlasic, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Sent off: Michail Antonio

PALACE HALT LEADERS

West Ham 2 Crystal Palace 2

Say we are top of the league. Say we are top of the league. Go on, say it. See how it sounds. For that is the status West Ham are enjoying before and after this fixture that they don’t even win.

Palace however, this afternoon’s opposition, have the word spoiler running through them like a stick of rock. Remember their win at the Etihad and that goal by Andros Townsend. Okay, he’s at Everton now, but that shot. It bent away from the City keeper like an eel wriggling out of an expert fisherman’s oily hands. And the bloke has ‘dross’ in his name and yet he can do things like that. They fool you somehow, make you imagine they’re a pushover. Yes, the Andy Carroll overhead, yes the Sébastien Haller swansong, also overhead, but a few home defeats at London Stadium too when they stick their rock.

So that is my safety perspective as I watch Palace take the field in yellow. Yellow for coward, or banana skin? And Patrick Viera as manager. Remember Razor Ruddock goading him to spit at him at Upton Park leading to Viera being sent off. Course you do. A West Ham win with Di Canio goals. So you now have the right lens in the viewing glasses.

In the first half it all looks like unnecessary freudian naval-gazing as Hammers continue their expert passing and match domination from the Leicester fixture on Monday. And soon the goal comes, the move ignited by a power run from Antonio and ending with an ‘after you, no after you,’ interchange with Fornals, culminating in the Spaniard stroking the ball home. We are oh so top of the league we are. This is what it must feel like being Manchester City, but without the wages bill. In the build up it is noticeably that Souček wisely resists a challenge that would have required a high-footed lunge, and his change of mind creates an unforced error from Kouyate who gives the ball away to Coufal, starting the move with a quick series of passes, the last of which ends with the ball in the back of the net. Czech that. Half-time is spent supping at a great cup of tea and orange chocolate cookie, feeling like a football supremo.

The second half suggests that Viera may have spent the interval threatening to spit in his players’ lunches for the rest of the season if they don’t get their collective fingers out. Because, by heck, they are all uniformly yanked out of the changing room with a succession of almost audible plops.

First significantly to the ball is Palace’s Chelsea loanee Conor Gallagher, quiet in the first half, but on the hour stroking the ball past Fabianski after some pitchfork lackadaishian in the Hammers defence, Palace’s first effort on goal. Ten minutes later and the man of the moment Antonio collects an excellent pass from Cresswell, ghosts past McArthur and hammers, really hammers the ball home beyond Guaita.

But Palace are not finished. Their second effort on goal, a minute later, is created by McArthur who atones for his previous lapse by finding Gallagher in the box, and the Chelski’s sublime turn flat foots the West Ham defence and the yard he creates for himself allows him the chance to fire home smartly for a second equaliser. Yes, that stick of rock analogy.

Palace have a late free kick which Guéhi heads over from the edge of the six yard box, and in the final seconds Antonio beaks free with Benrahma, but the maestro’s pass is fractionally out of the attacking midfielder’s reach and Guaita grabs the loose ball gratefully. The Eagles have landed a point.

Chelsea and Liverpool draw later in the day, so Hammers finish the Saturday still top of the Premier League. Say we are top of the league. Say we are top of the league.

Go on, say it.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Said Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Scorers: Pablo Fornals, Michail Antonio

BACK TO BLACK (AND WHITE)

Newcastle United 2 West Ham 4

The 2020-21 season commenced with a home defeat to Newcastle, so perhaps it’d be premature to conclude anything from the way West Ham start 2021-22. Will they be taking goals to Newcastle? Ray Winstone has on more than one occasion commented that people should ‘gamble responsibly,’ but as a West Ham United fan himself, he should practise what he preaches. Supporting this side is a tough ride whether they’re playing well or badly.

It’s raining in Newcastle, while London hosts an afternoon of beautiful sunny weather. Callum Wilson invariably scores against West Ham, so his goal needs to be got out of the way as soon as possible. The fear of Declan Rice leaving the club have abated, but it’s his slip that lets Allan Saint-Maximin in to cross for Wilson to flat face Newcastle into a fifth minute lead. That’s exactly what I mean by ‘gambling responsibly’. What is to be said about an XI that are only missing Jesse Lingard from last season’s trophy hunters? Unambitious? Thrifty? Cautious? Useless penny-pinchers? Take your pick. West Ham rarely have two good seasons in a row, unless you include 1998-99 to 1999-00, but that was across the end of the last millennium, and our future relatives-to-be will all have been fried by climate change by the next time that occurs…

All credit to Stam, however, as they don’t appear too flustered. However, when they equalise just thirteen minutes later it is a very strange goal indeed that any one of three players seem to have a decent claim on. The ball down the right from Coufal is prodded out by Kieron Clark, the poor man’s Rice, and from the throw Soucek’s wide ball finds Cresswell, whose cross-come-shot is flicked on by Soucek and finished at the far post by Bowen. Who might be offside. No matter, the ball was already over the line. And maybe Soucek didn’t touch it either. The app gives it to Bowen, disallows it, gives it to Soucek, and finally returns it to Cresswell. There you are – the new light touch of VAR versus the wonders of modern technology. Bowen should then make it two after cruising past three defenders, but Woodman beats out his powerful effort. Almiron’s reply strikes the crossbar after Rice has half-blocked it on its journey.

Clark, now beginning to look more like Declan Rice than Rice himself, sees a decent chance skedaddle wide in the 27th minute, before Newcastle score a second. Saint-Maximin is engineering mischief again, and when Matt Richie’s wide cross is lofted into the six yard box, Jacob Murphy stoops to head past an unsighted Fabianski. Wing back to wing back, it’s Murphy’s first Newcastle goal. Benrahma shoots narrowly wide from outside the area on 44 minutes, his effort greeted by praise from Sky’s Bill Leslie. Two first names, so a commentator not to be trusted. Moyes’ half-time team talk better be good.

West Ham start the second half in a more positive fashion, and seven minutes in Rice atones for his earlier error, robbing Saint-Maximin to find Bowen. The fake number 20’s slightly over-hit pass to Antonio is brilliantly controlled by the big man on the left who uses the pace on the ball to hit in a perfect cross that Benrahma heads home. Level again. Four minutes later Fornals expertly finds Coufal wide on the right and his cross targets Antonio, who heads against the post from two yards out. Picking up the loose ball, Fornals is floored by Murphy, and Martin Atkinson gives a spot kick. As Rice managed to miss one last season before he got injured on England duty, and Lingard is nowhere to be seen, Antonio is this afternoon’s Mister Penalty. And Mister Penalty he does, as his placed effort is palmed away by Woodman. Fortunately, Hammer of the Year Tomas Soucek is on hand, escaping his marker to tuck away the rebound. Bill Leslie is still calling him ‘Sow Check’, but no matter.

Two minutes later and a strike from the feet of Mister Penalty registers another in the goals’ column. Last season’s equal top scorer powers up the pitch, collecting a great through ball by Benrahma, himself found out wide by Bowen, and Antonio hammers it home for West Ham’s fourth. It’s his first PL goal in a number 9 shirt, and levels him up with Di Canio’s 47 PL goals, both of them just one ahead of Mark Noble. Of course the old man might well have something to say about that before the end of the season.

Hammers still have twenty minutes to ride out to safely collect all three points, but they do that with a lot less trouble than might have seemed the case at half-time. Hard to believe that it’s just a few months since the last time these two sides played here in front of no fans, and this time Craig Dawson has finished the game on the pitch, cheered by the 3,000 supporters who have made the journey this afternoon.

The last time West Ham started a Premier League season with a win was six years ago, in the final campaign at Upton Park, when Slaven Bilic’s side won their first game for him 2-0, at the Emirates. Moyes still hasn’t signed any outfield players, but he and his back room staff have safely pocketed three points.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 8 Pablo Fornals, 22 Said Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 31 Ben Johnson, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 25 Ryan Fredericks

Scorers: Aaron Cresswell, Saïd Benrahma, Tomas Souček, Michail Antonio

WHAT A SEASONING IT’S BEEN

West Ham 3 Southampton 0

The season finale for West Ham provides a delicious double of welcoming the fans back and the spectacle of Europa League group stage qualification, if they can muster a point from this final fixture.

Ralph Schadenfreude’s Southampton have spent some of the early part of this season at the summit of the Premier League table, but an inconsistent last few months have sent them tumbling down to the lower positions in the hierarchy.

West Ham’s capacious ground has facilitated the chance to let 10,000 fans in for this game, and the club has managed to spread them across the stadium so they are able potentially – if the Hammers’ performance merits it – to expand their lung power to the factor of six and simulate a full attendance. Of course anyone who has sat through some of the games here over the last five years will know that if they all cheer at once in any part of the game, that should create the atmosphere that a 60,000 crowd here would ordinarily achieve. West Ham fans at the London Stadium have had very little to cheer about, other than the peppercorn rent they have to cough up for playing there. Now they have put together some decent performances over the season, it is somewhat ironic that nobody has been there to watch. Sadly, there may be a correlation between these two facts. We will only know if that is the case next season, but for now 10,000 Hammers’ fans can celebrate their team’s greatest season for 20 years in its last throes.

Over the season West Ham scored three goals in successive games against Arsenal, Wolves and Leicester, but in conceding seven, they sacrificed two of the nine points at stake. Today they are to score three again, as they did again in the week against West Bromwich Albion, but this time without reply.

Pablo Fornals, a solid and tricky thinking midfielder with a football brain capable of providing thrilling passes and threaded moves, has had a claim on Hammer of the Year for this season for his assists and goals. Today he turns opportunist in the box to score two in three minutes on the half hour, both predatory, both clinical. The goals more or less put to bed a game that Southampton had participated in with equal aplomb, Nathan Redmond, Stuart Armstrong and Ibrahima Diallo all going close in the first 25 minutes of the game. With Ogbonna, Dawson, Cresswell and Coufal all providing cover for each other, there is no way through for the Sainted strikers in their blood red livery, and at half time Hammers are perhaps a tiny bit flattered by the scoreline.

This is not the case in the second half, where the flair of Lingard and Bowen begins to tell and Hammers start to create more chances, the last of which sees Declan Rice running through on the left to score a third just four minutes from time.

This was West Ham’s fifth season at London Stadium and their final league positions for the five year tenure so far have been 11th, 13th, 10th, 16th and now 6th, best of all. People laughed (mainly West Ham fans) when David Sullivan said the club’s new ground would be perfect to host European Champions League football. The final table shows that they were in the end just three points short of doing that. A draw against Chelsea last month would have done it. To imagine the chance gone is to lack imagination. Next season the aim should be to close the gap on those three points and by more than just three. And remember Moyes’ first press conference when he declared, ‘That’s what I do, I win.’ There were a few Hammers’ lifers who put their heads in their hands in preparation for more big words gone bad, but in 2020/21 West Ham won 19 of their 38 league games. That’s 57 points, and 65 overall with the 8 draws.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 16 Mark Noble, 23 Issa Diop

Scorers: Pablo Fornals (2), Declan Rice

FRISSON OF BIG SAM

West Bromwich Albion 1 West Ham 3

Darren Randolph plays only his fifth game for West Ham United as a result of Fabianski’s injury in the warm-up, but the news that Spurs have lost to Aston Villa earlier this evening means West Ham only need four points from their last two games to secure a Europa League place next season.

West Ham have a penalty after 39 seconds after Sam Johnstone brings Michail Antonio down. Rice hits the post when he finally takes it after 105 seconds, and the ball rebounds out to safety. I write these words in disbelief as the first crowd at the Hawthorns for over a year cheer raucously. It’s the earliest ever missed penalty in Premier League. Declan Rice, take a bow tie.

West Ham have a club record 17 wins this season but have only won one game from the last five. On twelve minutes Benrahma hits a dipping volley beauty that Johnstone flaps a hand at to send it up and away for a corner. Scored at Brighton, maybe up for another tonight.

The more West Ham go on without scoring in this game, the more that missed penalty will start looking like an open sore. On 26 minutes Pereira hits in a curling in swinging corner which Souček heads beyond Randolph for his third own goal of the season. Classy.

The first half begins to change shape as West Brom build on their lead with intelligent passing, and Pereira looking more and more dangerous. Randolph makes one brilliant save from a deflected shot off Cresswell to keep the lead at just 1-0.

In injury time West Ham scramble an equaliser with a low cross from Benrahma poked home by Soucek, making Mr.Moyes’ interim chat a little more seasoned. The Baggies are down, but so are Sheffield United, and they beat Everton at Goodison at the weekend.

West Brom don’t appear to have had their mojo stolen however and the first ten minutes of the second half keep Hammers on their heels. Whilst a point is better than none, the opposition have conceded over 70 goals this season and were relegated a fortnight ago.

The game starts to take on Keystone Kops end to end madness before Cresswell hits a 65th minute curling effort that provides West Ham with a PL season record twenty-third strike against the woodwork. The curl in that effort was mesmeric, but needed another few inches to cannon off the post and into the back of Johnstone’s net.

In the 68th minute club £18m record signing Grady Diangana comes on for West Brom, followed by Bowen for West Ham bizarrely replacing Benrahma, who has probably been West Ham’s most productive player of the game. What can the last twenty minutes produce?

Fornals gets on the end of a through ball from Bowen but Johnstone smothers his effort away. From the corner Ogbonna arrives late for a superb powerful 82nd minute header to push West Ham into the lead, a goal not unlike his winner against Leeds back in December.

Minutes later Lingard sets up Antonio for a late third. A goal difference of +12 looks good, and must be making a relieved man of Declan Rice.

Not too much drama without Benrahma, but a decent win in the end for West Ham Bam Thank You Big Sam. Europe, the first home crowd of 2021 and a best-ever Premier League season all beckon.

35 Darren Randolph, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 20 Jarrod Bowen, 23 Issa Diop, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Scorers: Tomas Souček, Angelo Ogbonna, Michail Antonio.

NOSTRILDAMUS

Brighton and Hove Albion 1 West Ham 1

Jesse Lingard played on loan for Brighton here seven years ago, scoring three goals in fifteen appearances. On loan to West Ham since January, they desperately need him to return to goal scoring form.

This is West Ham’s preferred starting XI, but for Brighton, Lewis Dunk is absent due to receiving a red against Wolves in the recent 2-1 defeat. The last time they won a game without him was in 2016, which is a stat to eat out on. The third black strip has been a winning feature away from home for the Hammers, but they have yet to beat Brighton in the Premier League in nine attempts.

Alan Smith is still calling West Ham’s 2020-21 Hammer of the Year ‘So Cheque.’ I confess I preferred Sky’s summariser when he was an 18th century Scottish moral philosopher, armed only with his theory of ‘absolute advantage.’ He has often been referred to as the ‘father of capitalism.’ Make what you will of that.

West Ham create their first real chance after 25 minutes when Cresswell’s cross is flicked just wide by Antonio, but Brighton’s decision to play two lines of four across the back means this will be a game of few chances.

Fabianski’s 100th PL Appearance should be one where he helps West Ham achieve their first ever Premier League clean sheet against the Seagulls. And seagulls are not clean creatures, festooning the sea front with their disdain-laden droppings.

Lingard finds Antonio with a superb cross, but though the striker makes excellent ground to get on the end of the ball in, he can’t manufacture the neck twist necessary to turn the looping ball goalwards. This looks to me as though it’ll be a long hard journey for three points, if West Ham are to retain their European dream. Three defeats in the last four is perhaps excusable in the light of missing central players, but there’ll be no excuses tonight if the goals don’t come.

Lingard looks a different player from the last couple of games, dashing about the midfield, looking to retrieve the ball, but Brighton seem interested only in wellying it away every time it runs loose in their penalty area. Souček hits in a powerful effort that Sánchez beats away, the ball fortunately evading Fornals’ leap as he views the prospect of the empty net before him. The last time a Moyes’ half-time talk was over a goalless landscape was at Old Trafford on the 14th March.

Fabianski makes an excellent save from Jahanbakhsh looking for Welbeck early in the second half, and eight minutes later he is beaten by the number 16’s chip, but the ball runs a foot wide with the goal gaping. The game now opens up with chances coming thick and fast at each end, Brighton having the majority of them as the hour mark passes. West Ham are nervous up front and don’t seem able for now to convert any of the chances they fashion. Benrahma makes a welcome appearance in the 64th minute, coming on for Jarrod Bowen. He’s made chances but is yet to score for the Hammers. There could be no better arena for his first claret and blue goal. Adam Lallana comes on for Brighton to mix it up. I feel reminded of the win at Everton just after Christmas, the dogged resistance that turned into three points after Souček’s late winner.

As the game wears on it becomes clear that Brighton would regard a point as an achievement. It is not enough for the Hammers, though.

This game is beginning to resemble an egg timer on the kitchen table. You don’t want to look over at it, but the temptation to is too great. It has drifted back into the tight stalemate it was in the first half. Both defences have played well, and Brighton haven’t conceded at home in their last three games.

On 82 minutes it looks as though West Ham have found the chance they needed as Benrahma’s curling cross finds the head of Dawson, but the defender’s decent touch is just a foot wide. Two minutes later, with West Ham committed forward, Danny Welbeck steals in from a Brighton break to chip the ball past Fabianski. It’s not going to be the season it has promised to be in the last few weeks.

But wait… Benrahma hits a beauty just as the minutes seem to have drifted away, Coufal’s cross not having been effectively cleared. His first goal for the Hammers arrives at the perfect minute. There will be three additional minutes to play, but that isn’t enough to get the winner West Ham need. Brighton remain the bogey team that West Ham have yet again failed to pick clear of their blocked nostrils. We move on.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 18 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma

Scorer: Saïd Benrahma

MAGNIFICENT SEVENTH

West Ham 0 Everton 1

Do you ever wonder whether there is a higher power controlling events in your football team’s favour? Not if you’re a West Ham fan you don’t. Players returning from injury, new managers’ first games, manager-less teams, strikers on their longest run without a goal for six seasons, relegated clubs who’ve endured seven successive defeats… All of this spells a hiding for any West Ham team, even the occasional ambitious ones.

Even so, nothing of substance sticks out in the Everton side West Ham are facing this afternoon. Everton recently lost 2-1 at home to Aston Villa, but then won 1-0 away at Arsenal. What can you conclude? Nothing. Leicester’s unexpected 4-2 defeat at home to Newcastle has made Hammers’ fans realise that this is the team they might replace in the top four, especially as Leicester play Chelsea in a week and a half’s time. But of course West Ham must win this afternoon for any of that to be worth discussing.

This afternoon’s opponents are the club that David Moyes established his reputation at, so strong was it at Goodison that Alex Ferguson was said to have been grooming Moyes as his replacement at Manchester United for three years, before retiring. But that didn’t work out. Patience is in limited supply in football these days, unlike when Ferguson joined United from Aberdeen back in the 1980s.

And that ole West Ham Magic can’t resist trying its boots on this afternoon. The pre-match hype about Declan Rice returning to the side he last played for when they weren’t losing again to Newcastle, proves to be just that. Aaron Cresswell ends up donning the captain’s armband in Mark Noble’s continued absence, and a nervous hundred or so club employees clutch their team sheets and water bottles as Everton record a slew of corners which West Ham defend desperately, but successfully. Everton’s shape is good and they appear well briefed. Lingard and Antonio, the impact twins, are shut out.

After twenty-four minutes, Everton take the lead. West Ham have begun the big push after twenty minutes of being under the cosh and get exposed at the back. Dominic Calvert-Lewin slips in to slot Ben Godfrey’s perfect through ball neatly past Fabianski.

I have been this way before, dating back to Geoff Hurst’s 1971 penalty against Gordon Banks, Steven Gerrard’s 91st minute equaliser for Liverpool in the 2006 FA Cup Final, and the 3-1 away defeat against, yes, Everton, in May 1986, stealing from us a last gasp second-placed finish. Something in me is silently shaking its head at the thought that there might be any goals for West Ham in this game.

Antonio and Lingard are tightly marked. A headed opportunity at the far post for Benrahma that he can’t keep down is wasted. Then a blistering shot from Coufal comes off the post into the path of first half substitute Bowen, who is in the right place but can’t tuck it away.

Everton sit on their lead and defend well, if with a little luck. The referee is unaccountably lenient on some pretty rough tackling from the Everton strong men. So if everything happens for a reason, what’s going on here?

Just when it looked like the fickle finger of fate was beckoning us over lasciviously, so it is that we now find ourselves looking at the hand.

It was an ill-judged turd-polishing decision by those responsible for Everton’s 2002-03 end of season DVD to call it ‘The Magnificent Seventh’. For a side that last won the league in 1987 and the FA Cup in 1995, these were still recent enough trophy events in the club’s history to not feel it necessary to big up morsels. At least that was my thought on the way to this game, possibly my last journey there with a stadium parking space before fans return for the Southampton fixture in a fortnight.

Now I am free to reflect that seventh may well be all we have to look forward to achieving if we fail to get back to winning ways before the season is over.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma,10 Manuel Lanzini, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 20 Jarrod Bowen, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

PERFECT BRACE TO BE

Burnley 1 West Ham United 2

David Moyes starts tonight with Benrahma, Fornals and Lanzini, three attacking midfielders, with Michail Antonio returning from injury. That is a team selected with attacking intent.

Dawson records his 200th Premier League appearance while Soucek hits his 50th for West Ham. Just fifty appearances, and it’s already hard to imagine a West Ham side without him. The first ten minutes of play demonstrate a determination from the Hammers to dictate the game. Antonio is frightening when he breaks, like coming up against a speeding HGV in a cycle lane. Lanzini has the first serious effort on goal, a dipping effort from just outside the area that Pope raises a classroom hand to watch over the bar.

Despite the golden start, Burnley get the first break with a penalty, Soucek fouling Chris Wood, who dispatches the penalty to Fabianski’s right. Hammers get level immediately, Antonio heading home from Coufal’s pinpoint cross. Six minutes later Benrahma, fed by Lingard, curls a low inswinging cross to the far post which Antonio has a tap in to finish for his second of the game.

Minutes later Benrahma is curling another cross in to almost duplicate the chance for Antonio which he this time misses by a foot swing. Five minutes later and Burnley are almost level thanks to indecision from Diop who is saved by Dawson clearing Vydra’s effort off the line. The 9-2 stat tally of efforts on goal just before half-time in West Ham’s favour is a vindication of Moyes’ attacking policy this evening.

Ten minutes into the second half West Ham are dominating and Antonio is presented with a hat trick tap-in which he somehow manages to foul foot himself out of scoring. It was just too easy. Harder to miss. After the game he explains that he was trying to get the ball onto his left foot for a ‘perfect’ hat trick.

Dressed in the black away kit, Hammers look like an army of ants going forward onto the dinner table of Burnley’s defence. Jay Rodriguez comes on for Vydra on the hour and his presence in the six yard box shakes up Dawson and Diop in defence, the latter’s weak clearance setting him up for a relatively simple chance which he scuffs wide. That would not have been a good goal to concede.

West Ham control the game and make many scoring opportunities, but there is a sense of overthinking or effacing the effectiveness of a route one approach when the numbers merit it. Moyes brings on Bowen on 80 minutes for Benrahma, who has been brilliant. Chris Wood comes off for Ashley Barnes in the last five minutes, as Barnes returns from injury, but Burnley can’t quite put something together in time to secure a second.

The above snap is for anyone who doubts the importance of Antonio to West Ham this season. An exquisite performance, and two great goals.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma ,10 Manuel Lanzini, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitute: 20 Jarrod Bowen

Scorer: Michail Antonio (2)

SUPER LEAGUE TEAM NICK A WIN

West Ham 0 Chelsea 1

This was, on paper, even before the referee blew his whistle to start it, an enthralling prospect, a game of football where four plays five for the title of undisputed – after a fashion – 2021-22 Champions League play-off place team thing, kind of. A true six pointer opportunity for both sides.

So what went wrong?

Maybe nothing. West Ham were missing Antonio, Cresswell, Dawson, Masuaku and Rice. Chelsea were missing Kovačič. Hammers had come back from a two-nil deficit at Newcastle with only ten men, proving nothing is impossible even with only half of your best starting XI. But something else was missing this afternoon. The hope. That kick and rush freedom that Lingard has brought to the West Ham side in this odd, delicious season. It had somehow upped and left.

The game started slowly, unlike the way West Ham’s last four games had been conducted. The previous four fixtures had produced 21 goals, and Hammers had scored 11 of them. This game had all the constituent ennui of the morning after the night before. What has happened to Chelsea this season had a lot to do with that.

There is, of course, something beyond simple effort and talent that places an invisible handle on the way events proceed within any game. Chelsea in this one with their tall defensive frame and their cautious tappety tippety training ground outplay, are never going to excite their fans. Their new manager, the Toucan, has managed Mainz, Borussia Dortmund and Paris St Germain. He lost just 36 matches in 234 games at the last two clubs. As a coach he encourages precision and efficiency whereas his predecessor, the Junior Lamps, was looking to field a side to excite, entertain and hit the back of the net. The Toucan says his game should not be about goals. I’ve heard such an approach categorised on many occasions in football in this way, all with that rather irritating unspoken sense of superiority, as if it’s what football should be all about. A higher class, business model of effective football. In short, the Toucan is a spoiler. Not unlike the one English manager who has turned his Chelsea side over this season, and whose approach is well known by West Ham fans far and wide, Sam Allardyce. So, successful manager that he is, it’s predictable what’s going to happen this afternoon against the Toucan’s Chelsea side. The goalfests that Hammers fans have been enjoying, even in defeat, will have to wait another week. This afternoon West Ham are playing a team from the Super League with a Super League mentality… if that isn’t a contradiction in terms. And so we go off.

The first moment of genuine potential scoring excitement in the game occurs on 37 minutes. Werner is booked for fouling Lingard as he breaks away down the left and from the loanee’s free kick Tomas Soucek hits the ball towards the corner of the goal past Mendy. Before it can find its target, the goalbound effort strikes the Chelsea captain Azpilicueta on the thigh and arm as he blocks it, sending the ball wide of the post. A VAR investigation concludes after a lengthy check that it’s not handball. A key moment in the game, perhaps.

Chelsea then take the lead, against the run of play, in a neat move started and finished by the yellow-carded German, if we can call him that, Timo Werner, who tucks away Chilwell’s low cross from eight yards, two minutes before half time. It’s his first goal for two and a half months, and his subsequent goal celebrations have much of an air of disbelief about them. The replay shows that West Ham had seven outfield men in the box to Chelsea’s four, so that’s not great, and it’s a clear royal kick in the guts for the team who felt they might win this match going into it. Fabianski has been almost superfluous in the first 45 which he is clearly reflecting on as he picks the ball out of the net. The cliché of a goal before half-time being worth two isn’t as absurd is its false logic often suggests, and the Moyes crew looked decidedly sluggish as they slope off at the end of the first half.

Just like at St James Park though, West Ham are more lively at the beginning of the second half, winning free kicks and pushing men up to grab opportunities to prove why they are this season’s Premier League set piece kings. However it is Chelsea who come closest early on to scoring the second goal of the game when Fabianski tips Mason Mount’s brilliant goalbound effort onto the post, but Werner puts the ball wide with the goal gaping. Maybe it’ll be another three months before he scores again. Fornals hits in a decent effort from distance in response to up the stat count, but Mendy saves well. Then, on the hour, after Fredericks has had a goalbound effort blocked by Mount, Lingard hits a chip-come-shot over Mendy which beats the Chelsea keeper all ends up, but sadly also clears the far post by a few inches.

As West Ham began to take a pleasing stranglehold on the game in their search for an equaliser, Balbuena is involved in a challenge with Ben Chilwell, catching him in his follow through after clearing the ball down the right channel. Three minutes later, after a VAR call and a study of the video monitor by referee Chris Kavanagh, the Paraguayan defender is given a straight red. Hurrah. With a quarter of an hour to go the award of the card threatens to take any further serious interest out of the game. Is this VAR improving things for football? Hammers didn’t get the handball given early in the first half, don’t forget. West Ham have a ten man finish for the second week in succession, but they conclude the game on the attack. For the second week in succession though, they are to end a game wondering just how they lost it.

The Chelsea Toucan says, post match, “The boys are very, very happy in the dressing room, and they can be. Great performance and amazing result, I think a well-deserved win for us.” Although his English didn’t translate too well (there was no mention of ‘luck’ or ‘VAR’ which seems to have been working for his mercenary crew in abundance) his command of inappropriate clichés was in keeping with the smash and grab nature of the Blues’ win. Declan Rice, watching from the stands, may well be reflecting on the seven years he spent in the Chelsea youth system, only to then be rejected by them as a young teenager when it came down to winning a full contract. Would you want to go out with someone who had dumped you unceremoniously six years earlier? And would you be prepared to accept that they fancy you now you’ve got rid of the spots and have started sporting a cool slicked back hairdo? That outcome, should it be proposed, remains to be seen in the close season.

As for the five matches that remain, West Ham shouldn’t lose heart. Their run in to the end of the season is less challenging than Chelsea’s, so this still isn’t over, by any throw of the weird Premier League dice.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 4 Fabián Balbuena, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 31 Ben Johnson, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 31 Ben Johnson

GOALS TO NEWCASTLE

Newcastle United 3 West Ham 2

Fourth from bottom plays fourth from top. It’s 282 miles from London Stadium to St. James Park, but less than ten metres from the kitchen to the front room, so the journey doesn’t play the same part in today’s fixture as it would do ordinarily. Angelo Ogbonna returns for his first game since the defeat at Manchester United, the last time West Ham were beaten in the Premier League. Ian Crocker, a West Ham fan, is commentating for Sky this afternoon. Let’s see how neutral he comes across this afternoon now he isn’t having to commentate on a Scottish Premier League fixture.

Dawson is forced to take one for the team after just ten minutes, not unlike his early card against Leicester last week, bringing down Joelinton after Bowen’s loose pass. Thankfully the free kick comes to nothing. A neat free kick from Noble is headed straight at Dúbravka, Newcastle’s Slovakian keeper. He could have been a teammate of Souček and Coufal back in the Czechoslovakian days of the USSR. As it is, Souček scored for the Czech Republic when the two countries last met in the Group F of the Nations League in November (2-0), and Coufal scored in the earlier away leg two months earlier (3-1). Despite all that statistical bullshit, Rodak was in goal for Slovakia for both games, so if I was trying to make a clever point I guess I’ve failed spectacularly.

At St James Park, West Ham are beginning to look like the home team, but as a result unable to hit Newcastle on the break with pace. It is going to be a different type of game to the ones played over the previous few weeks. There’s no real sign of Lingard in the first half hour, but he is entitled not to be front page five games in a row. West Ham win free kicks and put down their markers in the first half hour, but on 35 minutes Dawson commits his second bookable foul, but this time doesn’t stop the man. The referee plays advantage and though Saint Maximin’s weak effort is saved by Fabianski, tracking back, Diop drags the ball into his own net. Then the referee waves the red card at Dawson. And another bloody own goal.

This was not in the script.

Nor is Fabianski dropping the ball from an ensuing Newcastle corner four minutes later, which Joelinton steers over the line for a second for Newcastle. The man with the monobrow name stabs home a second, in every sense. Armpits. It’s like watching one of your parents having sex in front of you with a stranger. Having sex with the stranger that is, not watching with a stranger, though that would probably be just as bad. However you might try to frame it, this isn’t supposed to be happening, and West Ham are not mentally prepared for it. And the poor old Duke of Edinburgh still has to be buried this afternoon.

The second half dictates the risk that Hammers will need to take to get anything from the game. It all seems a little bit dark side of the moon at this point. At least the returning Ogbonna is playing well, making important interceptions and helping the team almost look like they have eleven men on the pitch. Lingard puts Bowen through one on one with a quickly taken throw, but Bowen fails to convert the chance. But it was a decent chance, created out of nothing by a team playing with ten men.

The chance wakes Lingard up and Hammers start to dominate the game. A goal back will change all of this, even with the one man difference. Hammers get a free kick out on the right, but Lingard isn’t hitting the target today. Saint Maximin goes off for Callum Wilson, the statistical scourge of Hammers’ defences from past and present, with eight PL goals against them.

Coufal heads Johnson’s far post cross hard at Dúbravka but the keeper is sufficiently well-positioned to keep it out. I’m struggling to remember West Ham pulling a two goal deficit back this season, though there was the Tottenham game… Then Diop heads home Bowen’s cross on 72 minutes, marginally onside after a nail biting VAR call. Minutes later and West Ham have a penalty, a handball from Clark, jumping with Souček, brilliantly spotted by the Stockley Park boys. Lingard duly takes and dispatches the penalty with power, in off the post, Noble having been substituted minutes earlier.

Before the joy can be devoured, Joe Willock heads home to restore Newcastle’s lead, seconds after Johnson has cleared off the line spectacularly. Newcastle have made the extra man count, and the best Hammers can hope for now is a late equaliser. This is the moment for Lingard to exit with a tight hamstring. It obviously gets worse. The flicket of joy emerging from this tragedy is seeing Lanzini take to the stage as substitute. His lone goal this season was that third at Spurs. But that would be too much to hope for, wouldn’t it?

Hope rises again out of the ashes of that third goal with the fourth official’s raised revelation of EIGHT minutes of stoppage time, during which Callum Wilson weaves through the defence and almost scores a personal career ninth against the Hammers. Substitute Benrahma eschews the chance to open his account at a potentially perfect time, and the hanging guillotine whistle sounds to bring this unexpected defeat disappointment into focus.

Summary? On reflection, there is much to be taken away from the game.

First a little applause for the officiating. Today witnessed some great refereeing from Kevin ‘Un’ Friend and positive VAR work from the peeps at Stockley Park. Newcastle United benefited from the positive advantage being played after Dawson’s second bookable offence, leading to their first goal and a subsequent dismissal, both correct. VAR on the other hand offered the certainty of West Ham Diop’s second half goal being allowed to stand, and the penalty award, unseen by the players at the time, which brought Moyes’ side back into the game.

And, as if you didn’t know it, it’s a team game. Dawson hasn’t been the same player without Rice. Masuaku plays more freely and efficiently when he has the security of Cresswell around him. Diop needs discipline, also provided by Rice. What Antonio does off the ball is probably worth a goal a game when playing alongside Lingard. Ogbonna adds backbone and organisation to the defence. VAR is sometimes your friend. Some PL referees have excellent games, but their playing advantage doesn’t always work to your advantage. Fabianski’s first half error was almost chalked off when he nearly saved Willock’s point blank range header at the end. And probably best of all, West Ham were 2-0 down at the break with only ten men, but they did not concede, fighting their way back into the game, and almost grabbing a point in the process.

So maybe not as bad as you first thought. These kind of seasons only come round for the Hammers once every 35 years after all. West Ham may have missed the chance to climb up a place but they remain fourth, and next week meet the team for now one place below them, Chelsea.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 31 Ben Johnson, 15 Craig Dawson, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen
Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 24 Ryan Fredericks

Scorers: Issa Diop, Jesse Lingard

SORRY FOR YOUR BOSS

West Ham 3 Leicester City 2

Boys will be boys, it seems, and the absence of three of the key Leicester boys, Choudhury, Maddison and Perez connected to a Covid-19 breach, is a choice made by manager Brendan Rodgers. As Maddison is a contender for Leicester’s player of the season for 2020-21, this has to be very welcome news for West Ham, themselves without Rice and now Antonio, the latter since his hamstring pull at Wolves on Monday night.

Playing Leicester City at this point in the season gives West Ham a chance both to retain their fourth position, gained after Monday evening’s victory, and to close the gap with the team in third position to a single point.

Most of the first half hour is a cagey affair with both sides’ defences outwitting their strike forces, but things change when a West Ham break culminates in Coufal’s reverse ball across from the right wing which is curled exquisitely past the last Leicester defender and Schmeichel’s outstretched left hand into the corner of the net by Lingard.

Leicester look stunned. They have only been beaten once away from home in 15 Premier League matches this season, so for West Ham to suggest they might challenge that stat is a little cheeky. It proves even more than that towards the end of the first half when Hammers hit a second. It’s another example of the support to the strike force provided by the back five. This time it’s Diop, whose unchartered long ball finds Bowen who slips it across for Lingard to tap in his second. The pair of them seem to have got into so much space that the goal is momentarily given the VAR once over, but to no avail for Leicester.

West Ham come out first for the second half, which is hardly surprising as Rodgers must be giving his side the once over of their respective careers. His teams have gained a reputation for being the equivalent of the South African cricket team choking in sight of the trophy window. The beginning of the second half does nothing to challenge this comparison as within three minutes the Hammers have gone three up. Iheanacho is robbed by Masuaku, whose ball is forwarded from Souček to Bowen, and within four passes the ball is in the back of the Leicester net for the third time.

Cresswell seems to have pulled something, and though he comes back on after initially going down, he is eventually replaced by Balbuena. One thing Moyes has managed to do this season is find a way to accommodate the talents of both Cresswell and Masuaku in the same starting eleven. Both started their careers as orthodox left backs, but Masuaku is now playing in a back five with Cresswell. I am just hoping that he now plays well without his shadow.

There are still 42 minutes left, and with injury time you could easily say that is half the game still to go. If so, you would be right, though Hammers hit a fourth through an Issa Diop far post header from a quickly taken Mark Noble free kick, which this time is ruled out by VAR for offside, accompanied on the broadcast by some comedy booing.

Leicester stick at it and are finally rewarded in the 70th minute when Ricardo hassles Masuaku into giving the ball away to Iheanacho who thunders it mercilessly past Fabianski. Arthur is clearly already missing his shadow, and Hammers have to regroup.

Mark Noble, astride his 400th Premier League appearance, is substituted in the 82nd minute for fresh legs in the shape of Ben Johnson. A member of the Sky staff to my left comments that Noble has given the captain’s armband to Mike Dean before leaving the field, but before the Mike Dean show is allowed to continue as never before, the band is handed to Lucasz Fabianski.

Hammers hang on until injury time which Mike Dean somehow calculates to be six minutes. Sloppy bum time. Nothing squeaky about this, as seen when Iheanacho hits a second for Leicester, after a neat cross from impressive substitute Marc Albrighton. David Moyes suddenly looks like a man who has been stuffed with suppositories. Mike Dean still has time to send Souček off for a minor bogus infringement before Schmeichel comes up for a 97th minute corner, but Fofana heads the final chance just wide. I manage a hurried sigh before looking round to see if anyone near me has had a stroke.

West Ham now have 55 points from 31 games, having won 16 of these, more than half their Premier League fixtures this season. They have never won more than 16 games in a PL season, which shows what an achievement this is for David Moyes and his Hammers’ entourage. But please, boys, score at least four next time.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 4 Fabián Balbuena, 31 Ben Johnson, 9 Saïd Benrahma,

Scorers: Jesse Lingard (2), Jarrod Bowen

YOU WANT RICE WITH THAT?

Wolverhampton 2 West Ham 3

The late news that Declan Rice will miss tonight’s game with Wolves due to a knee injury he got playing for England last week has thrown the Hammerati into a downward spiral. Whilst Liverpool have had a disappointing season, attributed in the main to the absence of their talismanic central defender and vice-captain Virgil Van Dijk, West Ham have been more than just a team playing around Declan Rice in 2020-21. One question that might be asked is that if he is out for four weeks, why did West Ham leave it this late before announcing it – as they must have known earlier…

The opportunity for Hammers to move back into a Champions League position in the Premier League with a win at Molineux tonight should be all the motivation David Moyes’ team need. There hasn’t been a moment like it so far in this Covid-19 season, and the fear of success has settled gently onto the West Ham psyche like snow in the sun as more and more of the results have conspired to create this opportunity. It’s simple enough. If West Ham win tonight and continue to stay one step ahead of the teams below them, they will be in the Champions League in 2021-22, next season.

The taste of success is strangely sickly sweet to me. I remember West Ham facing relegation-threatened Ipswich Town in a midweek April fixture in 1986 as they made a determined effort to keep in the hunt for the Canon League Division 1 title. They won that game 2-1, with a late penalty from Ray Stewart. They won the next game away at West Brom 3-2, but then missed out even on second place in a last gasp defeat at Everton.

Tonight has divided West Ham fans between those who think the Hammers can function without Rice and those who don’t. This evening should offer a comprehensive response to that question. I believe with all my heart that they are good enough, and in the next ninety minutes we will know. If they win, tonight will invoke celebrations unseen amongst Hammers’ fans since winning promotion at Wembley in May 2012. It won’t define anything more than continued interest in that Champions League place, but as the number of remaining games decreases, the chances of Hammers being in a thrilling last day finale, with fans present, continues.

Seven minutes into the game and Willian José has missed a really good chance (that he set up himself) and Antonio has hit the post – then West Ham score. It’s a result of some intricate play out of defence and a pass that Lingard picks up in his own half and takes to the other end of the pitch where he slots the ball expertly past Patricio. 1-0. His task is made easier by Antonio taking two defenders with him to clear a path for the run and shot.

Just seven minutes later and it’s yet another sublime goal. This one also starts with a phenomenal run from Lingard chasing what looks like a lost cause by the corner flag, but he swivels past his man, and Masuaku chasing behind turns the loose ball across for Fornals to sidefoot home with perfection. This is proof, should it be needed, that you don’t always have to put your laces through it to find the back of the net. Two of Hammers’ goals of the season have come at the best time possible. I look speculatively at the table and notice that Leicester in 3rd are now just four points away. West Ham play them next Sunday.

Antonio gets free in the Wolves area after the attention of three defenders and his effort goes into the side netting. His ankles have taken a bit of a kicking so Moyes takes him off for Bowen as he will be needed in other vital games. There are still ten minutes of the first half to play out, so it’s probably a sensible decision from Moyes.

Fornals is the playmaker this evening, hitting short and long passes alike with precision and anticipation. Now Lingard does it again, breaking with five defenders and slipping in Bowen who has only been on the pitch two minutes, and he does put his laces through it, and the shot beats Patricio on his near post. Two minutes later and Wolves almost grab one back as first José and then Neto miss at the near post with the goal gaping, and Fabianski floundering. A few minutes later and the golden ones this time score a beauty with Traore’s overlapping run and inch perfect cross headed home by Dendoncker. A classic centre-forward’s goal.

Time out. So what should Moyes say to his team at half-time? He’ll no doubt be remembering whatever he said to them in the last home game, and will try and improve on it. The scoring pattern is identical and the passages of play in the game not that dissimilar to the Arsenal fixture. Only West Ham could make you feel nervous when they are 3-1 in front.

Wolves start the second half confidently, but Hammers also look better organised defensively. People who have played football at the highest level have told me that you take the game in segments when you’re defending a lead. Not sure I even know what that means. I understand this idea if you are a batsman building a big innings against great bowlers, but this is football, FFS. This sport doesn’t lend itself to neat analogies. A couple of mistakes and you can… well, I’m sure you know what I mean.

Ten minutes into the second half and from a corner Cresswell hits in a beautiful cross that Bowen connects powerfully with, but the header is just wide. Tonight Stuart Pearce is just behind Moyes in the technical area for something he may have spotted. Souček then bundles the ball over the line after Bowen has had his shot parried, but it is disallowed (correctly) for handball.

I was at this fixture last season when Wolves disposed of West Ham 2-0 without breaking sweat. It was one of Pellegrini’s last games in charge, and a better example of his lack of oomph in away games was never more clearly demonstrated. And just as I am feeling smug about the difference in attitude between the two managers, Fabio Silva hits home from a brilliant pass wide on the right by Neto in the 68th minute, and Wolves are back in it. Just what has happened to West Ham’s defence? They have been so efficient throughout the season, at times clinical, that this sudden crumbling seems horribly out of character. Wolves have twenty minutes to claw back another for a share of the points, possibly for another two to take all three?

The casual control that West Ham exercised in the first half seems to have disappeared. Another case of attack being the best form of defence, if they can gain some momentum in that area. Fifteen minutes to go. It’s been pointed out rather irritatingly by Martin Tyler that West Ham have never completed the double over Wolves in the top flight.

Now might be a good time to bring on Saïd Benrahma, and he’s on for the goal scoring Fornals. What a great time it would be for him to score his first West Ham goal. It might be more about possession really, at this stage… In the end it’s the other substitute Johnson who manages to waste time over by the corner flag and then Lingard emulates him and is booked for time-wasting. Wolves have a corner, but it’s a poor one and Hammers leap over the line. Come on you Irons! ⚒

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 31 Ben Johnson

Scorers: Jesse Lingard, Pablo Fornals, Jarrod Bowen

TRAFFORD CENTRED

Manchester United 1 West Ham 0

West Ham United haven’t won at Old Trafford for a while but there have been a couple of decent draws and none of the home victories have been by more than the odd goal or two.

It’s an odd, slightly defensive Hammers’ team, Moyes preferring Noble to Benrahma, but they start with the same back three that played at the Etihad. The thinking isn’t obvious, but Moyes has surprised enough times this season to earn the benefit of the doubt.

United’s build up is patient and thought through, but rarely penetrative. It’s said that Manchester United are still the most lucrative football franchise in Europe, though their trophy cabinet in recent years doesn’t explain this continuing ‘success’.

This is slowly beginning to look like the recent FA Cup tie here, where both sides snuffed each other out like a couple of boring old dusty candles. McGuire and Antonio clash in an aerial battle, and then Rashford misses a golden opportunity. Hammers are more than a match for their opponents on paper, but need to get up the other end if they’re going to threaten the win.

Fabianski keeps Hammers in the game with a brilliant fingertip save from Greenwood’s curled effort. It looked a goal all the way once it had left his foot but Fabs had other ideas. My stomach, tied in knots by the non-events of the first half, is slightly soothed by the half-time whistle.

So let’s take time out for a moment and remember a couple of great West Ham victories here. In the week after Glenn Roeder died at the age of just 65, it’s worth remembering that he brought his West Ham side here in December 2001, and won 1-0 with a second half header from Jermaine Defoe. Then in May 2007 another 1-0 win for Curbishley’s Great Escape XI in the last game of the season with a goal just before half-time by Carlos Tevez. Enough fantasy, back to reality.

Within ten minutes of the second half, West Ham are behind from a corner when, caught in a crowd of players on the edge of the six yard box, Craig Dawson heads into his own net. West Ham are so brilliant from set plays, aren’t they. Hammers win a corner in their first attack after the goal, but in the end it’s just another one of their few positive stats.

On the hour Fabianski makes a breathtaking save from Fernandes’ sweet strike. This is the cue for Lanzini and Benrahma to replace Noble and Johnson, and for something, anything, to make Manchester United struggle. A brilliant cross from Cresswell picks out Bowen but his header is wide. FFS. United are nevertheless beginning to look vulnerable.

Ten minutes later and the pressure has come to nothing. Greenwood hits the post on the counter attack. Benrahma looks devoid of the kind of creativity needed for this fixture, despite seeing a lot of the ball. Another Fernandes’ corner with just ten minutes to go, but Fabianski punches clear.

It’s clear these were the wrong tactics, and as they were tried and failed here just a few weeks ago, it’s an error from the manager, his first for some time. It’s a missed opportunity and a repetition of the score from early February.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 31 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 16 Mark Noble (captain), 41 Declan Rice, 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini