Match reports 2020/21

WHAT A SEASONING IT’S BEEN

West Ham 3 Southampton 0

The season finale for West Ham provides a delicious double of welcoming the fans back and the spectacle of Europa League group stage qualification, if they can muster a point from this final fixture.

Ralph Schadenfreude’s Southampton have spent some of the early part of this season at the summit of the Premier League table, but an inconsistent last few months have sent them tumbling down to the lower positions in the hierarchy.

West Ham’s capacious ground has facilitated the chance to let 10,000 fans in for this game, and the club has managed to spread them across the stadium so they are able potentially – if the Hammers’ performance merits it – to expand their lung power to the factor of six and simulate a full attendance. Of course anyone who has sat through some of the games here over the last five years will know that if they all cheer at once in any part of the game, that should create the atmosphere that a 60,000 crowd here would ordinarily achieve. West Ham fans at the London Stadium have had very little to cheer about, other than the peppercorn rent they have to cough up for playing there. Now they have put together some decent performances over the season, it is somewhat ironic that nobody has been there to watch. Sadly, there may be a correlation between these two facts. We will only know if that is the case next season, but for now 10,000 Hammers’ fans can celebrate their team’s greatest season for 20 years in its last throes.

Over the season West Ham scored three goals in successive games against Arsenal, Wolves and Leicester, but in conceding seven, they sacrificed two of the nine points at stake. Today they are to score three again, as they did again in the week against West Bromwich Albion, but this time without reply.

Pablo Fornals, a solid and tricky thinking midfielder with a football brain capable of providing thrilling passes and threaded moves, has had a claim on Hammer of the Year for this season for his assists and goals. Today he turns opportunist in the box to score two in three minutes on the half hour, both predatory, both clinical. The goals more or less put to bed a game that Southampton had participated in with equal aplomb, Nathan Redmond, Stuart Armstrong and Ibrahima Diallo all going close in the first 25 minutes of the game. With Ogbonna, Dawson, Cresswell and Coufal all providing cover for each other, there is no way through for the Sainted strikers in their blood red livery, and at half time Hammers are perhaps a tiny bit flattered by the scoreline.

This is not the case in the second half, where the flair of Lingard and Bowen begins to tell and Hammers start to create more chances, the last of which sees Declan Rice running through on the left to score a third just four minutes from time.

This was West Ham’s fifth season at London Stadium and their final league positions for the five year tenure so far have been 11th, 13th, 10th, 16th and now 6th, best of all. People laughed (mainly West Ham fans) when David Sullivan said the club’s new ground would be perfect to host European Champions League football. The final table shows that they were in the end just three points short of doing that. A draw against Chelsea last month would have done it. To imagine the chance gone is to lack imagination. Next season the aim should be to close the gap on those three points and by more than just three. And remember Moyes’ first press conference when he declared, ‘That’s what I do, I win.’ There were a few Hammers’ lifers who put their heads in their hands in preparation for more big words gone bad, but in 2020/21 West Ham won 19 of their 38 league games. That’s 57 points, and 65 overall with the 8 draws.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 16 Mark Noble, 23 Issa Diop

Scorers: Pablo Fornals (2), Declan Rice

FRISSON OF BIG SAM

West Bromwich Albion 1 West Ham 3

Darren Randolph plays only his fifth game for West Ham United as a result of Fabianski’s injury in the warm-up, but the news that Spurs have lost to Aston Villa earlier this evening means West Ham only need four points from their last two games to secure a Europa League place next season.

West Ham have a penalty after 39 seconds after Sam Johnstone brings Michail Antonio down. Rice hits the post when he finally takes it after 105 seconds, and the ball rebounds out to safety. I write these words in disbelief as the first crowd at the Hawthorns for over a year cheer raucously. It’s the earliest ever missed penalty in Premier League. Declan Rice, take a bow tie.

West Ham have a club record 17 wins this season but have only won one game from the last five. On twelve minutes Benrahma hits a dipping volley beauty that Johnstone flaps a hand at to send it up and away for a corner. Scored at Brighton, maybe up for another tonight.

The more West Ham go on without scoring in this game, the more that missed penalty will start looking like an open sore. On 26 minutes Pereira hits in a curling in swinging corner which Souček heads beyond Randolph for his third own goal of the season. Classy.

The first half begins to change shape as West Brom build on their lead with intelligent passing, and Pereira looking more and more dangerous. Randolph makes one brilliant save from a deflected shot off Cresswell to keep the lead at just 1-0.

In injury time West Ham scramble an equaliser with a low cross from Benrahma poked home by Soucek, making Mr.Moyes’ interim chat a little more seasoned. The Baggies are down, but so are Sheffield United, and they beat Everton at Goodison at the weekend.

West Brom don’t appear to have had their mojo stolen however and the first ten minutes of the second half keep Hammers on their heels. Whilst a point is better than none, the opposition have conceded over 70 goals this season and were relegated a fortnight ago.

The game starts to take on Keystone Kops end to end madness before Cresswell hits a 65th minute curling effort that provides West Ham with a PL season record twenty-third strike against the woodwork. The curl in that effort was mesmeric, but needed another few inches to cannon off the post and into the back of Johnstone’s net.

In the 68th minute club £18m record signing Grady Diangana comes on for West Brom, followed by Bowen for West Ham bizarrely replacing Benrahma, who has probably been West Ham’s most productive player of the game. What can the last twenty minutes produce?

Fornals gets on the end of a through ball from Bowen but Johnstone smothers his effort away. From the corner Ogbonna arrives late for a superb powerful 82nd minute header to push West Ham into the lead, a goal not unlike his winner against Leeds back in December.

Minutes later Lingard sets up Antonio for a late third. A goal difference of +12 looks good, and must be making a relieved man of Declan Rice.

Not too much drama without Benrahma, but a decent win in the end for West Ham Bam Thank You Big Sam. Europe, the first home crowd of 2021 and a best-ever Premier League season all beckon.

35 Darren Randolph, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 20 Jarrod Bowen, 23 Issa Diop, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Scorers: Tomas Souček, Angelo Ogbonna, Michail Antonio.

NOSTRILDAMUS

Brighton and Hove Albion 1 West Ham 1

Jesse Lingard played on loan for Brighton here seven years ago, scoring three goals in fifteen appearances. On loan to West Ham since January, they desperately need him to return to goal scoring form.

This is West Ham’s preferred starting XI, but for Brighton, Lewis Dunk is absent due to receiving a red against Wolves in the recent 2-1 defeat. The last time they won a game without him was in 2016, which is a stat to eat out on. The third black strip has been a winning feature away from home for the Hammers, but they have yet to beat Brighton in the Premier League in nine attempts.

Alan Smith is still calling West Ham’s 2020-21 Hammer of the Year ‘So Cheque.’ I confess I preferred Sky’s summariser when he was an 18th century Scottish moral philosopher, armed only with his theory of ‘absolute advantage.’ He has often been referred to as the ‘father of capitalism.’ Make what you will of that.

West Ham create their first real chance after 25 minutes when Cresswell’s cross is flicked just wide by Antonio, but Brighton’s decision to play two lines of four across the back means this will be a game of few chances.

Fabianski’s 100th PL Appearance should be one where he helps West Ham achieve their first ever Premier League clean sheet against the Seagulls. And seagulls are not clean creatures, festooning the sea front with their disdain-laden droppings.

Lingard finds Antonio with a superb cross, but though the striker makes excellent ground to get on the end of the ball in, he can’t manufacture the neck twist necessary to turn the looping ball goalwards. This looks to me as though it’ll be a long hard journey for three points, if West Ham are to retain their European dream. Three defeats in the last four is perhaps excusable in the light of missing central players, but there’ll be no excuses tonight if the goals don’t come.

Lingard looks a different player from the last couple of games, dashing about the midfield, looking to retrieve the ball, but Brighton seem interested only in wellying it away every time it runs loose in their penalty area. Souček hits in a powerful effort that Sánchez beats away, the ball fortunately evading Fornals’ leap as he views the prospect of the empty net before him. The last time a Moyes’ half-time talk was over a goalless landscape was at Old Trafford on the 14th March.

Fabianski makes an excellent save from Jahanbakhsh looking for Welbeck early in the second half, and eight minutes later he is beaten by the number 16’s chip, but the ball runs a foot wide with the goal gaping. The game now opens up with chances coming thick and fast at each end, Brighton having the majority of them as the hour mark passes. West Ham are nervous up front and don’t seem able for now to convert any of the chances they fashion. Benrahma makes a welcome appearance in the 64th minute, coming on for Jarrod Bowen. He’s made chances but is yet to score for the Hammers. There could be no better arena for his first claret and blue goal. Adam Lallana comes on for Brighton to mix it up. I feel reminded of the win at Everton just after Christmas, the dogged resistance that turned into three points after Souček’s late winner.

As the game wears on it becomes clear that Brighton would regard a point as an achievement. It is not enough for the Hammers, though.

This game is beginning to resemble an egg timer on the kitchen table. You don’t want to look over at it, but the temptation to is too great. It has drifted back into the tight stalemate it was in the first half. Both defences have played well, and Brighton haven’t conceded at home in their last three games.

On 82 minutes it looks as though West Ham have found the chance they needed as Benrahma’s curling cross finds the head of Dawson, but the defender’s decent touch is just a foot wide. Two minutes later, with West Ham committed forward, Danny Welbeck steals in from a Brighton break to chip the ball past Fabianski. It’s not going to be the season it has promised to be in the last few weeks.

But wait… Benrahma hits a beauty just as the minutes seem to have drifted away, Coufal’s cross not having been effectively cleared. His first goal for the Hammers arrives at the perfect minute. There will be three additional minutes to play, but that isn’t enough to get the winner West Ham need. Brighton remain the bogey team that West Ham have yet again failed to pick clear of their blocked nostrils. We move on.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (Captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 18 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma

Scorer: Saïd Benrahma

MAGNIFICENT SEVENTH

West Ham 0 Everton 1

Do you ever wonder whether there is a higher power controlling events in your football team’s favour? Not if you’re a West Ham fan you don’t. Players returning from injury, new managers’ first games, manager-less teams, strikers on their longest run without a goal for six seasons, relegated clubs who’ve endured seven successive defeats… All of this spells a hiding for any West Ham team, even the occasional ambitious ones.

Even so, nothing of substance sticks out in the Everton side West Ham are facing this afternoon. Everton recently lost 2-1 at home to Aston Villa, but then won 1-0 away at Arsenal. What can you conclude? Nothing. Leicester’s unexpected 4-2 defeat at home to Newcastle has made Hammers’ fans realise that this is the team they might replace in the top four, especially as Leicester play Chelsea in a week and a half’s time. But of course West Ham must win this afternoon for any of that to be worth discussing.

This afternoon’s opponents are the club that David Moyes established his reputation at, so strong was it at Goodison that Alex Ferguson was said to have been grooming Moyes as his replacement at Manchester United for three years, before retiring. But that didn’t work out. Patience is in limited supply in football these days, unlike when Ferguson joined United from Aberdeen back in the 1980s.

And that ole West Ham Magic can’t resist trying its boots on this afternoon. The pre-match hype about Declan Rice returning to the side he last played for when they weren’t losing again to Newcastle, proves to be just that. Aaron Cresswell ends up donning the captain’s armband in Mark Noble’s continued absence, and a nervous hundred or so club employees clutch their team sheets and water bottles as Everton record a slew of corners which West Ham defend desperately, but successfully. Everton’s shape is good and they appear well briefed. Lingard and Antonio, the impact twins, are shut out.

After twenty-four minutes, Everton take the lead. West Ham have begun the big push after twenty minutes of being under the cosh and get exposed at the back. Dominic Calvert-Lewin slips in to slot Ben Godfrey’s perfect through ball neatly past Fabianski.

I have been this way before, dating back to Geoff Hurst’s 1971 penalty against Gordon Banks, Steven Gerrard’s 91st minute equaliser for Liverpool in the 2006 FA Cup Final, and the 3-1 away defeat against, yes, Everton, in May 1986, stealing from us a last gasp second-placed finish. Something in me is silently shaking its head at the thought that there might be any goals for West Ham in this game.

Antonio and Lingard are tightly marked. A headed opportunity at the far post for Benrahma that he can’t keep down is wasted. Then a blistering shot from Coufal comes off the post into the path of first half substitute Bowen, who is in the right place but can’t tuck it away.

Everton sit on their lead and defend well, if with a little luck. The referee is unaccountably lenient on some pretty rough tackling from the Everton strong men. So if everything happens for a reason, what’s going on here?

Just when it looked like the fickle finger of fate was beckoning us over lasciviously, so it is that we now find ourselves looking at the hand.

It was an ill-judged turd-polishing decision by those responsible for Everton’s 2002-03 end of season DVD to call it ‘The Magnificent Seventh’. For a side that last won the league in 1987 and the FA Cup in 1995, these were still recent enough trophy events in the club’s history to not feel it necessary to big up morsels. At least that was my thought on the way to this game, possibly my last journey there with a stadium parking space before fans return for the Southampton fixture in a fortnight.

Now I am free to reflect that seventh may well be all we have to look forward to achieving if we fail to get back to winning ways before the season is over.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma,10 Manuel Lanzini, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 20 Jarrod Bowen, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

PERFECT BRACE TO BE

Burnley 1 West Ham United 2

David Moyes starts tonight with Benrahma, Fornals and Lanzini, three attacking midfielders, with Michail Antonio returning from injury. That is a team selected with attacking intent.

Dawson records his 200th Premier League appearance while Soucek hits his 50th for West Ham. Just fifty appearances, and it’s already hard to imagine a West Ham side without him. The first ten minutes of play demonstrate a determination from the Hammers to dictate the game. Antonio is frightening when he breaks, like coming up against a speeding HGV in a cycle lane. Lanzini has the first serious effort on goal, a dipping effort from just outside the area that Pope raises a classroom hand to watch over the bar.

Despite the golden start, Burnley get the first break with a penalty, Soucek fouling Chris Wood, who dispatches the penalty to Fabianski’s right. Hammers get level immediately, Antonio heading home from Coufal’s pinpoint cross. Six minutes later Benrahma, fed by Lingard, curls a low inswinging cross to the far post which Antonio has a tap in to finish for his second of the game.

Minutes later Benrahma is curling another cross in to almost duplicate the chance for Antonio which he this time misses by a foot swing. Five minutes later and Burnley are almost level thanks to indecision from Diop who is saved by Dawson clearing Vydra’s effort off the line. The 9-2 stat tally of efforts on goal just before half-time in West Ham’s favour is a vindication of Moyes’ attacking policy this evening.

Ten minutes into the second half West Ham are dominating and Antonio is presented with a hat trick tap-in which he somehow manages to foul foot himself out of scoring. It was just too easy. Harder to miss. After the game he explains that he was trying to get the ball onto his left foot for a ‘perfect’ hat trick.

Dressed in the black away kit, Hammers look like an army of ants going forward onto the dinner table of Burnley’s defence. Jay Rodriguez comes on for Vydra on the hour and his presence in the six yard box shakes up Dawson and Diop in defence, the latter’s weak clearance setting him up for a relatively simple chance which he scuffs wide. That would not have been a good goal to concede.

West Ham control the game and make many scoring opportunities, but there is a sense of overthinking or effacing the effectiveness of a route one approach when the numbers merit it. Moyes brings on Bowen on 80 minutes for Benrahma, who has been brilliant. Chris Wood comes off for Ashley Barnes in the last five minutes, as Barnes returns from injury, but Burnley can’t quite put something together in time to secure a second.

The above snap is for anyone who doubts the importance of Antonio to West Ham this season. An exquisite performance, and two great goals.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma ,10 Manuel Lanzini, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitute: 20 Jarrod Bowen

Scorer: Michail Antonio (2)

SUPER LEAGUE TEAM NICK A WIN

West Ham 0 Chelsea 1

This was, on paper, even before the referee blew his whistle to start it, an enthralling prospect, a game of football where four plays five for the title of undisputed – after a fashion – 2021-22 Champions League play-off place team thing, kind of. A true six pointer opportunity for both sides.

So what went wrong?

Maybe nothing. West Ham were missing Antonio, Cresswell, Dawson, Masuaku and Rice. Chelsea were missing Kovačič. Hammers had come back from a two-nil deficit at Newcastle with only ten men, proving nothing is impossible even with only half of your best starting XI. But something else was missing this afternoon. The hope. That kick and rush freedom that Lingard has brought to the West Ham side in this odd, delicious season. It had somehow upped and left.

The game started slowly, unlike the way West Ham’s last four games had been conducted. The previous four fixtures had produced 21 goals, and Hammers had scored 11 of them. This game had all the constituent ennui of the morning after the night before. What has happened to Chelsea this season had a lot to do with that.

There is, of course, something beyond simple effort and talent that places an invisible handle on the way events proceed within any game. Chelsea in this one with their tall defensive frame and their cautious tappety tippety training ground outplay, are never going to excite their fans. Their new manager, the Toucan, has managed Mainz, Borussia Dortmund and Paris St Germain. He lost just 36 matches in 234 games at the last two clubs. As a coach he encourages precision and efficiency whereas his predecessor, the Junior Lamps, was looking to field a side to excite, entertain and hit the back of the net. The Toucan says his game should not be about goals. I’ve heard such an approach categorised on many occasions in football in this way, all with that rather irritating unspoken sense of superiority, as if it’s what football should be all about. A higher class, business model of effective football. In short, the Toucan is a spoiler. Not unlike the one English manager who has turned his Chelsea side over this season, and whose approach is well known by West Ham fans far and wide, Sam Allardyce. So, successful manager that he is, it’s predictable what’s going to happen this afternoon against the Toucan’s Chelsea side. The goalfests that Hammers fans have been enjoying, even in defeat, will have to wait another week. This afternoon West Ham are playing a team from the Super League with a Super League mentality… if that isn’t a contradiction in terms. And so we go off.

The first moment of genuine potential scoring excitement in the game occurs on 37 minutes. Werner is booked for fouling Lingard as he breaks away down the left and from the loanee’s free kick Tomas Soucek hits the ball towards the corner of the goal past Mendy. Before it can find its target, the goalbound effort strikes the Chelsea captain Azpilicueta on the thigh and arm as he blocks it, sending the ball wide of the post. A VAR investigation concludes after a lengthy check that it’s not handball. A key moment in the game, perhaps.

Chelsea then take the lead, against the run of play, in a neat move started and finished by the yellow-carded German, if we can call him that, Timo Werner, who tucks away Chilwell’s low cross from eight yards, two minutes before half time. It’s his first goal for two and a half months, and his subsequent goal celebrations have much of an air of disbelief about them. The replay shows that West Ham had seven outfield men in the box to Chelsea’s four, so that’s not great, and it’s a clear royal kick in the guts for the team who felt they might win this match going into it. Fabianski has been almost superfluous in the first 45 which he is clearly reflecting on as he picks the ball out of the net. The cliché of a goal before half-time being worth two isn’t as absurd is its false logic often suggests, and the Moyes crew looked decidedly sluggish as they slope off at the end of the first half.

Just like at St James Park though, West Ham are more lively at the beginning of the second half, winning free kicks and pushing men up to grab opportunities to prove why they are this season’s Premier League set piece kings. However it is Chelsea who come closest early on to scoring the second goal of the game when Fabianski tips Mason Mount’s brilliant goalbound effort onto the post, but Werner puts the ball wide with the goal gaping. Maybe it’ll be another three months before he scores again. Fornals hits in a decent effort from distance in response to up the stat count, but Mendy saves well. Then, on the hour, after Fredericks has had a goalbound effort blocked by Mount, Lingard hits a chip-come-shot over Mendy which beats the Chelsea keeper all ends up, but sadly also clears the far post by a few inches.

As West Ham began to take a pleasing stranglehold on the game in their search for an equaliser, Balbuena is involved in a challenge with Ben Chilwell, catching him in his follow through after clearing the ball down the right channel. Three minutes later, after a VAR call and a study of the video monitor by referee Chris Kavanagh, the Paraguayan defender is given a straight red. Hurrah. With a quarter of an hour to go the award of the card threatens to take any further serious interest out of the game. Is this VAR improving things for football? Hammers didn’t get the handball given early in the first half, don’t forget. West Ham have a ten man finish for the second week in succession, but they conclude the game on the attack. For the second week in succession though, they are to end a game wondering just how they lost it.

The Chelsea Toucan says, post match, “The boys are very, very happy in the dressing room, and they can be. Great performance and amazing result, I think a well-deserved win for us.” Although his English didn’t translate too well (there was no mention of ‘luck’ or ‘VAR’ which seems to have been working for his mercenary crew in abundance) his command of inappropriate clichés was in keeping with the smash and grab nature of the Blues’ win. Declan Rice, watching from the stands, may well be reflecting on the seven years he spent in the Chelsea youth system, only to then be rejected by them as a young teenager when it came down to winning a full contract. Would you want to go out with someone who had dumped you unceremoniously six years earlier? And would you be prepared to accept that they fancy you now you’ve got rid of the spots and have started sporting a cool slicked back hairdo? That outcome, should it be proposed, remains to be seen in the close season.

As for the five matches that remain, West Ham shouldn’t lose heart. Their run in to the end of the season is less challenging than Chelsea’s, so this still isn’t over, by any throw of the weird Premier League dice.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 4 Fabián Balbuena, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 31 Ben Johnson, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 31 Ben Johnson

GOALS TO NEWCASTLE

Newcastle United 3 West Ham 2

Fourth from bottom plays fourth from top. It’s 282 miles from London Stadium to St. James Park, but less than ten metres from the kitchen to the front room, so the journey doesn’t play the same part in today’s fixture as it would do ordinarily. Angelo Ogbonna returns for his first game since the defeat at Manchester United, the last time West Ham were beaten in the Premier League. Ian Crocker, a West Ham fan, is commentating for Sky this afternoon. Let’s see how neutral he comes across this afternoon now he isn’t having to commentate on a Scottish Premier League fixture.

Dawson is forced to take one for the team after just ten minutes, not unlike his early card against Leicester last week, bringing down Joelinton after Bowen’s loose pass. Thankfully the free kick comes to nothing. A neat free kick from Noble is headed straight at Dúbravka, Newcastle’s Slovakian keeper. He could have been a teammate of Souček and Coufal back in the Czechoslovakian days of the USSR. As it is, Souček scored for the Czech Republic when the two countries last met in the Group F of the Nations League in November (2-0), and Coufal scored in the earlier away leg two months earlier (3-1). Despite all that statistical bullshit, Rodak was in goal for Slovakia for both games, so if I was trying to make a clever point I guess I’ve failed spectacularly.

At St James Park, West Ham are beginning to look like the home team, but as a result unable to hit Newcastle on the break with pace. It is going to be a different type of game to the ones played over the previous few weeks. There’s no real sign of Lingard in the first half hour, but he is entitled not to be front page five games in a row. West Ham win free kicks and put down their markers in the first half hour, but on 35 minutes Dawson commits his second bookable foul, but this time doesn’t stop the man. The referee plays advantage and though Saint Maximin’s weak effort is saved by Fabianski, tracking back, Diop drags the ball into his own net. Then the referee waves the red card at Dawson. And another bloody own goal.

This was not in the script.

Nor is Fabianski dropping the ball from an ensuing Newcastle corner four minutes later, which Joelinton steers over the line for a second for Newcastle. The man with the monobrow name stabs home a second, in every sense. Armpits. It’s like watching one of your parents having sex in front of you with a stranger. Having sex with the stranger that is, not watching with a stranger, though that would probably be just as bad. However you might try to frame it, this isn’t supposed to be happening, and West Ham are not mentally prepared for it. And the poor old Duke of Edinburgh still has to be buried this afternoon.

The second half dictates the risk that Hammers will need to take to get anything from the game. It all seems a little bit dark side of the moon at this point. At least the returning Ogbonna is playing well, making important interceptions and helping the team almost look like they have eleven men on the pitch. Lingard puts Bowen through one on one with a quickly taken throw, but Bowen fails to convert the chance. But it was a decent chance, created out of nothing by a team playing with ten men.

The chance wakes Lingard up and Hammers start to dominate the game. A goal back will change all of this, even with the one man difference. Hammers get a free kick out on the right, but Lingard isn’t hitting the target today. Saint Maximin goes off for Callum Wilson, the statistical scourge of Hammers’ defences from past and present, with eight PL goals against them.

Coufal heads Johnson’s far post cross hard at Dúbravka but the keeper is sufficiently well-positioned to keep it out. I’m struggling to remember West Ham pulling a two goal deficit back this season, though there was the Tottenham game… Then Diop heads home Bowen’s cross on 72 minutes, marginally onside after a nail biting VAR call. Minutes later and West Ham have a penalty, a handball from Clark, jumping with Souček, brilliantly spotted by the Stockley Park boys. Lingard duly takes and dispatches the penalty with power, in off the post, Noble having been substituted minutes earlier.

Before the joy can be devoured, Joe Willock heads home to restore Newcastle’s lead, seconds after Johnson has cleared off the line spectacularly. Newcastle have made the extra man count, and the best Hammers can hope for now is a late equaliser. This is the moment for Lingard to exit with a tight hamstring. It obviously gets worse. The flicket of joy emerging from this tragedy is seeing Lanzini take to the stage as substitute. His lone goal this season was that third at Spurs. But that would be too much to hope for, wouldn’t it?

Hope rises again out of the ashes of that third goal with the fourth official’s raised revelation of EIGHT minutes of stoppage time, during which Callum Wilson weaves through the defence and almost scores a personal career ninth against the Hammers. Substitute Benrahma eschews the chance to open his account at a potentially perfect time, and the hanging guillotine whistle sounds to bring this unexpected defeat disappointment into focus.

Summary? On reflection, there is much to be taken away from the game.

First a little applause for the officiating. Today witnessed some great refereeing from Kevin ‘Un’ Friend and positive VAR work from the peeps at Stockley Park. Newcastle United benefited from the positive advantage being played after Dawson’s second bookable offence, leading to their first goal and a subsequent dismissal, both correct. VAR on the other hand offered the certainty of West Ham Diop’s second half goal being allowed to stand, and the penalty award, unseen by the players at the time, which brought Moyes’ side back into the game.

And, as if you didn’t know it, it’s a team game. Dawson hasn’t been the same player without Rice. Masuaku plays more freely and efficiently when he has the security of Cresswell around him. Diop needs discipline, also provided by Rice. What Antonio does off the ball is probably worth a goal a game when playing alongside Lingard. Ogbonna adds backbone and organisation to the defence. VAR is sometimes your friend. Some PL referees have excellent games, but their playing advantage doesn’t always work to your advantage. Fabianski’s first half error was almost chalked off when he nearly saved Willock’s point blank range header at the end. And probably best of all, West Ham were 2-0 down at the break with only ten men, but they did not concede, fighting their way back into the game, and almost grabbing a point in the process.

So maybe not as bad as you first thought. These kind of seasons only come round for the Hammers once every 35 years after all. West Ham may have missed the chance to climb up a place but they remain fourth, and next week meet the team for now one place below them, Chelsea.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 31 Ben Johnson, 15 Craig Dawson, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen
Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 24 Ryan Fredericks

Scorers: Issa Diop, Jesse Lingard

SORRY FOR YOUR BOSS

West Ham 3 Leicester City 2

Boys will be boys, it seems, and the absence of three of the key Leicester boys, Choudhury, Maddison and Perez connected to a Covid-19 breach, is a choice made by manager Brendan Rodgers. As Maddison is a contender for Leicester’s player of the season for 2020-21, this has to be very welcome news for West Ham, themselves without Rice and now Antonio, the latter since his hamstring pull at Wolves on Monday night.

Playing Leicester City at this point in the season gives West Ham a chance both to retain their fourth position, gained after Monday evening’s victory, and to close the gap with the team in third position to a single point.

Most of the first half hour is a cagey affair with both sides’ defences outwitting their strike forces, but things change when a West Ham break culminates in Coufal’s reverse ball across from the right wing which is curled exquisitely past the last Leicester defender and Schmeichel’s outstretched left hand into the corner of the net by Lingard.

Leicester look stunned. They have only been beaten once away from home in 15 Premier League matches this season, so for West Ham to suggest they might challenge that stat is a little cheeky. It proves even more than that towards the end of the first half when Hammers hit a second. It’s another example of the support to the strike force provided by the back five. This time it’s Diop, whose unchartered long ball finds Bowen who slips it across for Lingard to tap in his second. The pair of them seem to have got into so much space that the goal is momentarily given the VAR once over, but to no avail for Leicester.

West Ham come out first for the second half, which is hardly surprising as Rodgers must be giving his side the once over of their respective careers. His teams have gained a reputation for being the equivalent of the South African cricket team choking in sight of the trophy window. The beginning of the second half does nothing to challenge this comparison as within three minutes the Hammers have gone three up. Iheanacho is robbed by Masuaku, whose ball is forwarded from Souček to Bowen, and within four passes the ball is in the back of the Leicester net for the third time.

Cresswell seems to have pulled something, and though he comes back on after initially going down, he is eventually replaced by Balbuena. One thing Moyes has managed to do this season is find a way to accommodate the talents of both Cresswell and Masuaku in the same starting eleven. Both started their careers as orthodox left backs, but Masuaku is now playing in a back five with Cresswell. I am just hoping that he now plays well without his shadow.

There are still 42 minutes left, and with injury time you could easily say that is half the game still to go. If so, you would be right, though Hammers hit a fourth through an Issa Diop far post header from a quickly taken Mark Noble free kick, which this time is ruled out by VAR for offside, accompanied on the broadcast by some comedy booing.

Leicester stick at it and are finally rewarded in the 70th minute when Ricardo hassles Masuaku into giving the ball away to Iheanacho who thunders it mercilessly past Fabianski. Arthur is clearly already missing his shadow, and Hammers have to regroup.

Mark Noble, astride his 400th Premier League appearance, is substituted in the 82nd minute for fresh legs in the shape of Ben Johnson. A member of the Sky staff to my left comments that Noble has given the captain’s armband to Mike Dean before leaving the field, but before the Mike Dean show is allowed to continue as never before, the band is handed to Lucasz Fabianski.

Hammers hang on until injury time which Mike Dean somehow calculates to be six minutes. Sloppy bum time. Nothing squeaky about this, as seen when Iheanacho hits a second for Leicester, after a neat cross from impressive substitute Marc Albrighton. David Moyes suddenly looks like a man who has been stuffed with suppositories. Mike Dean still has time to send Souček off for a minor bogus infringement before Schmeichel comes up for a 97th minute corner, but Fofana heads the final chance just wide. I manage a hurried sigh before looking round to see if anyone near me has had a stroke.

West Ham now have 55 points from 31 games, having won 16 of these, more than half their Premier League fixtures this season. They have never won more than 16 games in a PL season, which shows what an achievement this is for David Moyes and his Hammers’ entourage. But please, boys, score at least four next time.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 4 Fabián Balbuena, 31 Ben Johnson, 9 Saïd Benrahma,

Scorers: Jesse Lingard (2), Jarrod Bowen

YOU WANT RICE WITH THAT?

Wolverhampton 2 West Ham 3

The late news that Declan Rice will miss tonight’s game with Wolves due to a knee injury he got playing for England last week has thrown the Hammerati into a downward spiral. Whilst Liverpool have had a disappointing season, attributed in the main to the absence of their talismanic central defender and vice-captain Virgil Van Dijk, West Ham have been more than just a team playing around Declan Rice in 2020-21. One question that might be asked is that if he is out for four weeks, why did West Ham leave it this late before announcing it – as they must have known earlier…

The opportunity for Hammers to move back into a Champions League position in the Premier League with a win at Molineux tonight should be all the motivation David Moyes’ team need. There hasn’t been a moment like it so far in this Covid-19 season, and the fear of success has settled gently onto the West Ham psyche like snow in the sun as more and more of the results have conspired to create this opportunity. It’s simple enough. If West Ham win tonight and continue to stay one step ahead of the teams below them, they will be in the Champions League in 2021-22, next season.

The taste of success is strangely sickly sweet to me. I remember West Ham facing relegation-threatened Ipswich Town in a midweek April fixture in 1986 as they made a determined effort to keep in the hunt for the Canon League Division 1 title. They won that game 2-1, with a late penalty from Ray Stewart. They won the next game away at West Brom 3-2, but then missed out even on second place in a last gasp defeat at Everton.

Tonight has divided West Ham fans between those who think the Hammers can function without Rice and those who don’t. This evening should offer a comprehensive response to that question. I believe with all my heart that they are good enough, and in the next ninety minutes we will know. If they win, tonight will invoke celebrations unseen amongst Hammers’ fans since winning promotion at Wembley in May 2012. It won’t define anything more than continued interest in that Champions League place, but as the number of remaining games decreases, the chances of Hammers being in a thrilling last day finale, with fans present, continues.

Seven minutes into the game and Willian José has missed a really good chance (that he set up himself) and Antonio has hit the post – then West Ham score. It’s a result of some intricate play out of defence and a pass that Lingard picks up in his own half and takes to the other end of the pitch where he slots the ball expertly past Patricio. 1-0. His task is made easier by Antonio taking two defenders with him to clear a path for the run and shot.

Just seven minutes later and it’s yet another sublime goal. This one also starts with a phenomenal run from Lingard chasing what looks like a lost cause by the corner flag, but he swivels past his man, and Masuaku chasing behind turns the loose ball across for Fornals to sidefoot home with perfection. This is proof, should it be needed, that you don’t always have to put your laces through it to find the back of the net. Two of Hammers’ goals of the season have come at the best time possible. I look speculatively at the table and notice that Leicester in 3rd are now just four points away. West Ham play them next Sunday.

Antonio gets free in the Wolves area after the attention of three defenders and his effort goes into the side netting. His ankles have taken a bit of a kicking so Moyes takes him off for Bowen as he will be needed in other vital games. There are still ten minutes of the first half to play out, so it’s probably a sensible decision from Moyes.

Fornals is the playmaker this evening, hitting short and long passes alike with precision and anticipation. Now Lingard does it again, breaking with five defenders and slipping in Bowen who has only been on the pitch two minutes, and he does put his laces through it, and the shot beats Patricio on his near post. Two minutes later and Wolves almost grab one back as first José and then Neto miss at the near post with the goal gaping, and Fabianski floundering. A few minutes later and the golden ones this time score a beauty with Traore’s overlapping run and inch perfect cross headed home by Dendoncker. A classic centre-forward’s goal.

Time out. So what should Moyes say to his team at half-time? He’ll no doubt be remembering whatever he said to them in the last home game, and will try and improve on it. The scoring pattern is identical and the passages of play in the game not that dissimilar to the Arsenal fixture. Only West Ham could make you feel nervous when they are 3-1 in front.

Wolves start the second half confidently, but Hammers also look better organised defensively. People who have played football at the highest level have told me that you take the game in segments when you’re defending a lead. Not sure I even know what that means. I understand this idea if you are a batsman building a big innings against great bowlers, but this is football, FFS. This sport doesn’t lend itself to neat analogies. A couple of mistakes and you can… well, I’m sure you know what I mean.

Ten minutes into the second half and from a corner Cresswell hits in a beautiful cross that Bowen connects powerfully with, but the header is just wide. Tonight Stuart Pearce is just behind Moyes in the technical area for something he may have spotted. Souček then bundles the ball over the line after Bowen has had his shot parried, but it is disallowed (correctly) for handball.

I was at this fixture last season when Wolves disposed of West Ham 2-0 without breaking sweat. It was one of Pellegrini’s last games in charge, and a better example of his lack of oomph in away games was never more clearly demonstrated. And just as I am feeling smug about the difference in attitude between the two managers, Fabio Silva hits home from a brilliant pass wide on the right by Neto in the 68th minute, and Wolves are back in it. Just what has happened to West Ham’s defence? They have been so efficient throughout the season, at times clinical, that this sudden crumbling seems horribly out of character. Wolves have twenty minutes to claw back another for a share of the points, possibly for another two to take all three?

The casual control that West Ham exercised in the first half seems to have disappeared. Another case of attack being the best form of defence, if they can gain some momentum in that area. Fifteen minutes to go. It’s been pointed out rather irritatingly by Martin Tyler that West Ham have never completed the double over Wolves in the top flight.

Now might be a good time to bring on Saïd Benrahma, and he’s on for the goal scoring Fornals. What a great time it would be for him to score his first West Ham goal. It might be more about possession really, at this stage… In the end it’s the other substitute Johnson who manages to waste time over by the corner flag and then Lingard emulates him and is booked for time-wasting. Wolves have a corner, but it’s a poor one and Hammers leap over the line. Come on you Irons! ⚒

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Issa Diop, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 31 Ben Johnson

Scorers: Jesse Lingard, Pablo Fornals, Jarrod Bowen

TRAFFORD CENTRED

Manchester United 1 West Ham 0

West Ham United haven’t won at Old Trafford for a while but there have been a couple of decent draws and none of the home victories have been by more than the odd goal or two.

It’s an odd, slightly defensive Hammers’ team, Moyes preferring Noble to Benrahma, but they start with the same back three that played at the Etihad. The thinking isn’t obvious, but Moyes has surprised enough times this season to earn the benefit of the doubt.

United’s build up is patient and thought through, but rarely penetrative. It’s said that Manchester United are still the most lucrative football franchise in Europe, though their trophy cabinet in recent years doesn’t explain this continuing ‘success’.

This is slowly beginning to look like the recent FA Cup tie here, where both sides snuffed each other out like a couple of boring old dusty candles. McGuire and Antonio clash in an aerial battle, and then Rashford misses a golden opportunity. Hammers are more than a match for their opponents on paper, but need to get up the other end if they’re going to threaten the win.

Fabianski keeps Hammers in the game with a brilliant fingertip save from Greenwood’s curled effort. It looked a goal all the way once it had left his foot but Fabs had other ideas. My stomach, tied in knots by the non-events of the first half, is slightly soothed by the half-time whistle.

So let’s take time out for a moment and remember a couple of great West Ham victories here. In the week after Glenn Roeder died at the age of just 65, it’s worth remembering that he brought his West Ham side here in December 2001, and won 1-0 with a second half header from Jermaine Defoe. Then in May 2007 another 1-0 win for Curbishley’s Great Escape XI in the last game of the season with a goal just before half-time by Carlos Tevez. Enough fantasy, back to reality.

Within ten minutes of the second half, West Ham are behind from a corner when, caught in a crowd of players on the edge of the six yard box, Craig Dawson heads into his own net. West Ham are so brilliant from set plays, aren’t they. Hammers win a corner in their first attack after the goal, but in the end it’s just another one of their few positive stats.

On the hour Fabianski makes a breathtaking save from Fernandes’ sweet strike. This is the cue for Lanzini and Benrahma to replace Noble and Johnson, and for something, anything, to make Manchester United struggle. A brilliant cross from Cresswell picks out Bowen but his header is wide. FFS. United are nevertheless beginning to look vulnerable.

Ten minutes later and the pressure has come to nothing. Greenwood hits the post on the counter attack. Benrahma looks devoid of the kind of creativity needed for this fixture, despite seeing a lot of the ball. Another Fernandes’ corner with just ten minutes to go, but Fabianski punches clear.

It’s clear these were the wrong tactics, and as they were tried and failed here just a few weeks ago, it’s an error from the manager, his first for some time. It’s a missed opportunity and a repetition of the score from early February.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 31 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 16 Mark Noble (captain), 41 Declan Rice, 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini

THE BELL END

Manchester City 2 West Ham 1

Aguero!

Manchester City’s greatest scorer hasn’t scored a Premier League goal for over a year. Shouldn’t have said that. Still, he hasn’t played for four months.

Even so, West Ham make the first real inroads on eighteen minutes with a cross to the far post that Soucek just fails to set Antonio up to score from. The game is open, which is probably the best way West Ham have of getting something from the game. They certainly have plenty of the ball in the first half. Ben Johnson gets his first yellow of the season on 28 minutes when Riyad Mahrez gets past him, and within a couple of minutes Ruben Diaz heads past Randolph from a deep Kevin de Bruyne cross.

West Ham have got themselves into a top five slot quite a few times in my life. It’s a different kind of pressure for the Stam fan, suddenly forcing you to the edge of your seat, emphasising your uselessness as an observer, raising your pulse to an uncomfortable level. Effectively ninety minutes of the last five seconds of a desperately desired eBay purchase. How is anyone expected to handle that kind of pressure? But I could get used to it…

Not for the first time West Ham forge a break down the right, this one just before half-time, and Antonio controls and turns on the loose ball, his shot skidding just wide off Ederson’s right hand post. But it’s no false dawn. Fornals leads another break out and releases Coufal whose cross is diverted goalwards by Lingard and Antonio taps it in at the far post. Last opposition goal scored at the Etihad was on November 8th by Mohammad Salah. They hadn’t conceded a goal at home for twelve hours. That’s a whole waking day in lockdown.

Randolph injures his kicking foot early in the second half, but decides to play on. He’s had relatively little to do in the game, with the exception of picking the ball out of the back of his net. When City finally put a second half attack together, just before the hour, it’s a weird sense of the home side hitting on the break, but de Bruyne’s cross beats Randolph, Aguero and most of the Hammers’ defenders to end up wide for Johnson to chase out of defence. Even five minutes can seem a yawning acre of time in a game against this trophy- winning machine that Pep Guardiola has built. When Phil Foden comes on, it’s evidence that the manager isn’t going to surrender his win bonus that easily.

As the game develops and the score remains the same, West Ham introduce a minor swagger to their game, a confidence their league position merits, but one that precedes City’s second, Stones tucking away Mahrez’s well-placed cross with a controlled shot past Randolph. So you look at the table. West Ham can stay fourth even after a defeat if Manchester United get something at Chelsea. Always nicer to have your fate in your own hands, a phrase not to be deployed in the urinals. In the depths of injury time Lingard hits a ball to the far post and Issa Diop has a genuine chance for last second glory, but his powerful header is just wide of the post and Soucek’s outstretched leg.

Aguero? Who he?

35 Darren Randolph, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 31 Ben Johnson, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Scorer: 30 Michail Antonio

SOME OF THE PARTS

West Ham 2 Tottenham Hotspur 1

You could say that a lot of the players enjoying a decent stretch in the Spurs’ first XI might be doing considerably better if they were featuring regularly in David Moyes’ West Ham side. Not a case of big fishes and small pools, more a case of players playing for an extended first team run rather than to show off their individual skills in the sacrifice of team success.

Today’s referee is Craig Pawson, not Dawson. Michail Antonio is starting. Spurs have lost four of their last five. Fornals is also starting. Spurs won 6-1 at Manchester United in October and beat Manchester City 2-0 in November. Mourinho has said, ‘Every game is a must win.’ Then there was that ‘beyond belief’ 3-3 draw last October, straight after the win at Old Trafford. Does any of that mean anything? All I feel before the game is how together West Ham are, and how disparate is Tottingham.

And inside five minutes we have the resolution of some of that. Bowen is forced wide onto his left foot, and curls an inswinging cross that Antonio connects with, hammering home the rebound after Lloris has saved his first shot. Dier and Tanganga find themselves conveniently positioned, frozen, either side of Antonio, looking at each other in disbelief.

Bale has looked lively at times since returning to Spurs, but is ultimately a False 9. By that, I mean in terms of potential versus actual achievement. And he’s still not starting. All that money. And the hair. His two late goals, one in injury time, back in his first Spurs’ spell that won a game 3-2 at Upton Park almost exactly eight years ago still haunt the thoughts of Hammers’ fans, at least the ones who can think back that far.

Impressive start, eh, what? I take a hurried screen shot of the Premier League Table with Hammers in a Champions League position. Hammers continue to enjoy possession for another ten minutes or so, but Spurs eventually settle and start building down both flanks with their treasure chest of low-achievers awaiting opportunities as if they were some god-given right. Tanganga is in a headed collision with Soucek in the West Ham penalty box, and the Czech bleeds enough to have be taken off for a couple of minutes to have a stitch in time, but reappears to take the field again before Spurs can capitalise on the player difference.

Moyes is yet to manage a team that have beaten one of Mourinho’s, and when Kane fires wide when it might have been easier to score, the lifetime of that achievement is looking a little brittle. Spurs have 70% possession over the whole of the first half but hit the target 50% less than the Hammers.

Mourinho brings Bale and Doherty on at the start of the second half to make a difference. Seventy-five seconds in and the difference has been made. Profoundly. Hammers are now two up, courtesy of a neat finish from Lingard after Fornal’s intelligent flick. The Stockley Park Massive then spend longer VARing the award of the goal in second half minutes than West Ham did in scoring it.

On fifty-eight minutes, Harry Kane, averaging a goal a game v West Ham in the last eleven meetings, curls a free kick inches wide of Fabianski’s left hand post. Six minutes later Moura heads Bale’s brilliant near post corner past Fabianski. Spurs have got nearly half an hour to make their possession in the game count for something. Bale hits the bar on 79 minutes. A freak rebound off Son hits the post on 92 minutes, with Fabianski stranded. What can you do?

The mark of a great team-winning performance is when you can’t easily pick a man of the match. The fact that Heung-Min Son and Harry Minted Kane have had such little joy in this game suggests those tending to their nullification have the best claim on the award. I think I’m sharing it between Coufal, Dawson and Rice. Villa can’t beat Leicester and Newcastle don’t beat Manchester United, but – hey – there are only three teams above West Ham in this table, and we’re playing them all in the next six games. You can look up now. We’re fourth.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 23 Issa Diop, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 18 Pablo Fornals, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 16 Mark Noble, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 31 Ben Johnson

Scorers: 30 Michail Antonio, 11 Jesse Lingard

KEEPING THE EUROPEAN DREAM ALIVE – FOR NOW…

Manchester United 1 West Ham 0

Manchester United enjoyed a sixth round FA Cup 2-1 win over West Ham in the last season at Upton Park in April 2016, though only after a replay that they had earned with a hotly disputed injury time equaliser. They went on to win the FA Cup that season, beating Crystal Palace 2-1 at Wembley after extra time. West Ham won 1-0 at Old Trafford in an FA Cup 4th Round tie in January 2001, and as Clive Tyldesley said at the time, ‘It will not be Manchester United’s year, again.’ So which is it to be tonight?

Paul Tierney is tonight’s referee, which is good news as he refereed the 3-3 away draw at Spurs this season and the 1-1 league draw here last April. So looks like extra time. Maybe penalties. He hasn’t officiated when we’ve lost, so that has to count for something.

The first ten minutes produce no clear chances, as both sides look a little cautious. Martial then gets in behind the Hammers’ defence and only fails to hit the target thanks to a fantastic block by Ogbonna, who is worryingly static for a few minutes following the block. It’s soon clear that his time on the pitch is over, and Issa Diop replaces him, one player down after quarter of an hour.

Matic blazes an early chance over, and the commentator helpfully points out that its thirteen months since he scored. He says it almost as an explanation of the miss rather than as part of a stat offensive. He’s also revealed that Moyes has never won here as a visiting manager. Such stats are made to be broken. Lindelöf’s header from a second successive corner is brilliantly tipped onto the post by Fabianski. He is the only West Ham player to have won this trophy, in 2014 with Arsenal, his last game for the club, ending on the upanski. On 35 minutes, West Ham win their first corner, but all it leads to is a clash of heads between Martial and Diop. West Ham mix it up at the beginning of the second half, having had to make a ’concussion substitute’ after Diop’s head clash. Fredericks and Johnson come on and West Ham reshape a back three. In the first minute Yarmolenko clashes with Lindelöf but thankfully recovers. Losing three without reply wouldn’t be doctor’s hors d’oeuvres.

Johnson and Fredericks offer pace down the flanks, and one decent cross might be all that’s needed to settle this one. Now Rashford gets a clear chance in the six yard box, but Fabianski is equal to the effort. Mipo Odubeko is warming up for Yarmolenko, an eighteen year old ex-Man United player who scored thirty odd goals for their youth team, and who wasn’t even mentioned as a striking option on the bench by the pundits earlier, presumably because they’d never heard of him. West Ham take on the pace of the game, earning a couple of corners and finding space on the pitch to put some moves together. Johnson and Fredericks have definitely changed the feel of the play since coming on. Curious that West Ham have done this without a colossal amount of possession.

As Fernandes warms up in the 71st minute, West Ham earn a corner, but United have done their homework on the set plays and have many back to do the necessary blocking. With a quarter of an hour left, Fernandes and McTominay are brought on to make the difference. As the seconds ticked away, I start to think about penalties. It’s no way to plan a result, but is as effective as any way to win a cup tie. Dawson has been immense in defence this evening, letting very little through, and a major reason why the tie is still goalless. Manchester United have scored twelve goals in their last two league games here, but with eighty minutes gone, nothing as yet tonight. Fernandes manages a shot a few minutes later, but Rice blocks it and it spoons over the bar. Coufal has done a job on Rashford tonight it would seem, the England striker having very little to show for his eighty minutes on the pitch. Edison Cavani is warming up for Manchester United, a Uruguayan of some esteem, and not anyone you want to see the opposition introduce even at this late stage. West Ham’s response is to prepare Benrahma to make an even later appearance. Here he comes, on 88 minutes, still to open his goals account. Now would be as good a time as any. A last minute corner reaches the head of Dawson but he can’t get any power or direction on the ball. So we move to extra time.

United bring Shaw and Williams on for more fresh legs, but there still seems to be a lack of urgency in their play. Can West Ham keep their shape? Manchester United grab a rare corner in the 94th minute, but Hammers have the numbers to neutralise the dead ball threat. In the madness I can hear Crystal Palace fans singing, ‘We’re red and blue…’ Have the BBC’s crowd effects department played all the West Ham options? The inevitable transpires. Rice loses the ball in an attack and Manchester United break with four on four, Rashford setting up McTominay to put the home side ahead. Such a pity to have given the ball away when it wasn’t necessary, and to be punished so clinically. So what can West Ham do with twenty minutes left?

Coufal makes a rare unforced error and Manchester United only fail to capitalise because of Fernandes’ misplaced pass at the end of the move. So disappointing to have demonstrated extreme discipline over ninety minutes only to buckle in extra time. Most of the team look absolutely shattered. Johnson has looked impressive in patches, but even imagining a goal currently feels like a draining uphill task. So Manuel Lanzini is the remaining substitution choice to save West Ham’s season. Odubeko is a substituted substitute, and Lanzini is his replacement. A minute from time the chance comes. Lanzini finds Johnson, but Benrahma can’t dispatch his excellent cross. What an account opener that would have been. All in all, though, it says something when Hammers’ fans are disappointed at what has been a decent cup run and a narrow defeat at Old Trafford, where they haven’t won for some time.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice, 16 Mark Noble (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 18 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Substitutes: 21 Issa Diop, 31 Ben Johnson, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 45 Mipo Odubeko, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini

THE MIKE DEAN SHOW

Fulham 0 West Ham 0

The Cottagers face The Irons in an almost bottom plays virtually top fixture.

Bowen returns for Fredericks, a promising change for the potential attacking format from Moyes. The first thing to notice is Jesse Lingard in a home West Ham shirt. That’s about all to notice in the first ten minutes though, as Fulham start off firmly on the front foot. Their season only seems to have started in November with wins over West Brom and Leicester. Since then nothing more that’s got three points behind it.

Finally, on twelve minutes, Cresswell hits in a spinning low left foot cross which first Antonio and second Bowen miss as it shoots across the turf in the teeming rain. Loftus-Cheek, on loan from Chelsea, may sound like an unwelcome bout of facial acne, but is the difference between the two sides in the first fifteen minutes with some neat touches and bursts of acceleration. West Ham just need to ride out this opening burst of adrenalin.

Benrahma has already recorded a brace, an assist and given away a penalty for Brentford and West Ham against Fulham. It wouldn’t be inappropriate for this opposition to provide him with his first West Ham goal as he appears against them for the third time in 2020-21. Soucek gets an early far post header in from Lingard’s cross as the rain continues to hammer down. Stam are settling now and looking to establish control of the game. I still find these commanding performances somewhat alien on the eye even after over half a season of them. Hammers will ease above Liverpool into fourth place in the Premier League, at least for 24 hours, should they fashion a goal tonight. I somehow cannot see Fulham scoring.

The Cottagers begin the second half well, but despite creating three clear goal chances in the first ten minutes, they waste them all. Noble and Yarmolenko are stripping off on the bench, suggesting some enigmatic tactic at the design stage. Benrahma and Bowen are removed to accommodate their arrival on the hour. A great cross from Rice finds Coufal at the far post and, though he beats Areola with his header, the ball clips the bar and spins over. A little closer to the goal West Ham need. Antonio slips off for Fredericks, feeling at his hamstring. Not many attacking options for Moyes on the bench, so Yarmolenko becomes the lone striker, and the midfield array widens.

Now Fulham have a free kick on the edge of the area with fifteen minutes remaining. Lookman takes it and beats the wall, but also the far post. That would have been a poignant response to having missed the injury time penalty against West Ham that gave them all three points at London Stadium back in November. Josh Maja, Fulham’s January loan signing from Bordeaux, gets a debut substitute appearance for the last ten minutes. Liverpool couldn’t win here in December, so a point would still be a reasonable result. With two minutes left, Soucek rises but can only steer Cresswell’s free kick over the bar.

In injury time West Ham get a free kick, but as Lingard shapes to take it, Mitrovic and Soucek tangle on the edge of the area, and after three minutes of VAR nonsense, Mike Dean gives Soucek a red card for a disputed deliberate elbow on Mitrovic. This of course might mean the Potato Salad One will be missing the FA Cup fifth round fixture against Manchester United on Tuesday, and subsequent fixtures against Sheffield United and Tottenham.

‘The Mike Dean Show’, once again, has spoiled an otherwise reasonable game of football. Even so, if the red card is rescinded, it might mean this is the last season we have to watch the idiot referee, or his VAR sidekick Lee Mason, in action in a West Ham fixture.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 11 Jesse Lingard, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 30 Michael Antonio

Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 16 Mark Noble, 24 Ryan Fredericks

BRACING DEBUT

Aston Villa 1 West Ham 3

In October Aston Villa beat Liverpool 7-2 at home and Leicester 1-0 away, then lost 0-3 at home to Leeds United the very next game. Now because of a coronavirus infection at the club at the beginning of the year they have only played one home game in 2021, which ended up in a 2-0 victory over Newcastle United. Then there is the fact that West Ham were ludicrously fortunate to take three points off Villa in November with Ollie Watkins’ last minute VARRED no goal. That’s your backdrop, something I wouldn’t ordinarily bother with if I then had to punctuate it with the story of a drab defeat. In any case, none of that really counts tonight, as Moyes wrong foots the fans and Dean Smith by starting with Ryan Fredericks and debut loanee Jesse Lingard. Both look sharp and hungry in the first half as West Ham build up the possession and shots on target stats.

The second half starts rather better for Villa than West Ham, and it’s Jack Cheatish whose eye for a decent pass and diving opportunity threatens West Ham’s established balance from the first half. Finally, though, the talent tells and Benrahma, found by Antonio, feeds Soucek wide on the right for the level-headed Czech genius to thump the ball past Martinez. What’s that about all the Villa keeper’s clean sheets? That’s eight for Soucek this season.

As in the Palace away game script, Michail Antonio seems to do everything but score, his best chance chipped over the keeper from Cresswell’s through ball only for Tyrone Mings to hook it acrobatically off the line with the goal yawning. However it’s his pass that finds Lingard wide on the left for the Warrington-born boy to slam it home for Hammers’ second and his debut goal. WTF? It’s like the Liverpool defeat was just a momentary hiccup.

By the time Grealish wakes from his slumber and moves to the right wing, West Ham have accumulated eight shots on target to Villa’s one, and they’re now looking for a third. But yes, you did read that right. Cheatish awakens from his slumber, and begins to put in some decent runs and crosses. And then comes the pass that bisects Ogbonna and Dawson to find Watkins, who slots home past the over-advanced Fabianski.

No good, though. Really no good. Just two minutes later Lingard bursts through and hits his second, and West Ham’s third, past Martinez, who again lets the ball under his over-athletic dive. Benrahma, still looking for his first West Ham goal, nearly has a fourth when a perfect cross from Coufal picks him out for a straightforward six-yard box volley on his right foot, that he skies.

A great response to the disappointment of Sunday, that will soon render it a fleeting memory, especially as it emerges that Liverpool have just lost 0-1 at home to Brighton & Hove Albion.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 11 Jesse Lingard, 30 Michael Antonio

Substitutes: 18 Pablo Fornals, 31 Ben Johnson, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Scorers: 28 Tomas Soucek, 11 Jesse Lingard (2)

A MONTH TO REMEMBER

West Ham 1 Liverpool 3

West Ham last won six games in a row in all competitions back in January / February 2006. Perhaps it’s worth putting those achievements alongside these before we say farewell to this run, against the backdrop of the coldest UK January since 2011.

2005-06

7th January Norwich City FAC3 (A) 2-1
14th January Aston Villa (A) 2-1
23rd January Fulham (H) 2-1
28th January Blackburn Rovers FAC4 (H) 4-2
1st February Arsenal (A) 3-2
4th February Sunderland (H) 2-0
13th February Birmingham City (H) 3-0
18th February Bolton Wanderers FAC5 (A) 0-0

Yes, it was Bolton Wanderers who finally put an end to this run on 18th February in a 0-0 tie which West Ham won the home replay of 2-1, the following month. You may not need reminding that this was the last season West Ham reached an FA Cup Final, in May 2006, against Liverpool.

So you might see why I am concerned that it is Liverpool this afternoon that Hammers are attempting to beat, to equal the achievements of that West Ham side 15 years ago.

The seven match winning run in 2006 featured within it West Ham’s final game at Highbury, the last game that Arsenal lost there, on that evening 3-2. This was the strange affair where Sol Campbell ‘disappeared’ at half-time after being routinely humiliated throughout the whole of the first half by Bobby Zamora, Matthew Etherington and Nigel Reo-Coker. This was the game when Thierry Henri became Arsenal’s top scorer of all time, a bitter sweet achievement on the night. This was the game in which new signing Dean Ashton came on for a brief debut cameo. The week before this Highbury hiatus came the 2-1 home victory over Fulham, an emotional send off occasion for Tomas Repka, a Czech player often sent off (5 reds, and 55 yellow cards) in his time at the club. In addition the 2-1 victory featured exquisite goals from Yossi Benayoun and Anton Ferdinand, either of which was a slam dunk contender for Premier League goal of that season.

The goal heroes of that seven game winning run were Bobby Zamora with four and Dean Ashton, Matthew Etherington and Marlon Harewood with two. The Hammers’ goal heroes this time round are Tomas Soucek with three and two from Michail Antonio and Craig Dawson (the latter will eventually score his third in this afternoon’s game).

So, West Ham still have Czech players in their line up who have both won over the hearts and minds of Hammers fans now denied the chance to see them in the flesh. A cup run is in play in 2021 that has the fans optimistic for a Wembley appearance at the end of the season, though it’s certain that it won’t be a repeat of the 2006 occasion, as Liverpool have already been knocked out by West Ham’s Round Five opponents, Manchester United. Also not quite a repeat as the final back in 2006 was played at the Millennium (now ‘Principality’) Stadium, Cardiff, whilst the new Wembley Stadium was still under construction.

So is the West Ham United name on the FA Cup for 2021, or is it on the bullet of this afternoon’s fixture against Liverpool?

The first half has both sides cancelling each other out in a cautious, edgy 45 minutes, but in the second, after Michail Antonio hammers marginally wide, Mohammad Salah hits a sweet left-footed shot past Fabianski to put Liverpool ahead. Moyes brings Yarmolenko on for Fornals, but it’s from a corner aimed at the Ukrainian that Liverpool break with Shaqiri hitting a forty yard pass into the path of Salah who controls it deftly with his right foot before nudging it past Fabianski with his left. The Hammerati may well moan their arses off tonight on Twitter, but that’s brilliant. Even the Devil’s choice between the sticks would not have kept that out.

Wijnaldum finishes off a late move past tired West Ham legs to make it 3-0, but Dawson keeps the score respectable with a late neat goal from a corner.

So that was West Ham’s silver bullet from an improving Liverpool. The only question that remains worth posing, is the fate of that fifth round tie a week or so away. I’ve already mentally traded this afternoon’s defeat for a result at Old Trafford. We know that seasons containing great runs often end with a bang.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 15 Craig Dawson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 18 Pablo Fornals, 30 Michael Antonio

Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 16 Mark Noble

Scorer: 15 Craig Dawson

DOWN IN THE DUNNY

West Ham 4 Doncaster Rovers 0

Kevin Nolan watches David Moyes’ side take the field for this fourth round FA Cup tie at London Stadium with some intrigue and personal interest beyond his role as minister in charge of the club’s tactical iPad. And why shouldn’t he be interested? After all, he scored the only goal last time West Ham played Rovers, at the Keepmoat Stadium back in August 2011, his first goal in a West Ham shirt in his second game, captain of Sam Allardyce’s side, thumping a volley into the roof of the net from a cross delivered by Jack Collison. It was also West Ham’s first goal of that promotion season. The only other relic from that game nine and a half years ago at the ground today is the player who would succeed him as captain, still playing in the number sixteen shirt, Mark Noble.

West Ham would play Doncaster Rovers one more time in 2011-12, the following March, and Kevin Nolan was again on target in a 1-1 draw, his goal also coming early in the game in the ninth minute, stabbing the ball home from close range after a goalmouth scramble. If West Ham had won that night, they’d have topped the table. As it was, it turned out to be one of many disappointing home draws late in that season that would force the Hammers down the play-off route to get back into the Premier League. The 2011-12 season was the first time West Ham had played in the same league as Doncaster Rovers since 1957-58, and Rovers themselves have since been away from the second tier of English football over the last six years since their relegation in 2013-14.

This afternoon Rovers are the third third tier team Hammers have faced in cup competitions at home this season, and although Moyes has made seven changes from the side that beat West Brom on Tuesday evening, his is a creative and attacking side that indicates he is taking the fixture seriously. If he wins this Saturday afternoon tie, the reward is a fifth round midweek journey to either Manchester United or Liverpool, whose tie is played tomorrow.

Yarmolenko and Fredericks link early on to set up Fornals to put the Hammers ahead inside two minutes. Less than ten minutes later Benrahma and Fornals link up to give Yarmolenko a chance for a spectacular finish, but the Ukrainian goes for power and not placement and the shot goes just wide. On the half hour Benrahma sets Yarmo B There up again, but this time he chips in neatly and precisely for the second.

The Doncaster Rovers’ keeper Ellery Balcombe is kept busy, and things don’t get any better for him in the second half when a corner from Mark Noble is volleyed into his own net by Andy Butler in his desperate attempt to keep it out. Although Matt Smith hits the crossbar for Rovers, debutant substitute Oladapo Afolayan makes it four towards the end, tucking away the keeper’s parrying of Fredericks’ shot.

David Moyes has succeeded again, for West Ham’s fifth successive victory out of five in 2021. It’s West Ham’s best start to a calendar year in their history. The next round’s opposition will put up more of a fight, but this is a professional job expertly executed, and no one is shaking their head when suggestions are made that this might be a really special season, with a potential domestic trophy finish.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 31 Ben Johnson, 23 Issa Diop, 16 Mark Noble (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 18 Pablo Fornals, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Substitutes: 40 Oladapo Afolayan, 34 Nathan Trott, 75 Jamal Baptiste

Scorers: 18 Pablo Fornals, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 21 Andy Butler (own goal), 40 Oladapo Afolayan

THE LEGEND THAT IS IAIN DOWIE

Stockport County 0 West Ham 1

David Moyes has respected the competition and opposition and put out a close to full strength side for the FA Cup 3rd Round fixture against National League Stockport County. West Ham have not won at Edgeley Park in seven visits. Jim Gannon is the Stockport County manager, and someone who played for Stockport in the League Cup 4th Round game against West Ham 25 years ago in December 1996. But the less said about that. The. Better.

This is the first game this season with Mark Noble starting where West Ham will presumably score. It is also the first AH game (after Haller), with a first start for Antonio since November. Three firsts. BT and the BBC fought over this game, so sure were they that it was the best chance of a 3rd Round upset. Though BT won the fight with more financial muscle, the first ten minutes of the game make it look like they missed out with the Beeb bagging Crawley Town v Leeds United.

Benrahma collects in the area from a great cross from Rice to curl in a shot that hits the base of Hinchcliffe’s left hand post but wide for a goal kick. Would have been a great first goal for the Algerian genius. Yarmolenko spanks one narrowly wide from 20 yards six minutes later. Referee Mike Dean holds the game up for a minute after three minutes of sustained fireworks booming off outside the ground, though how anyone could have bought them in lockdown, let alone lit them on this cold and slippery wet night, is difficult to imagine.

A quarter of the way through the game and it remains goalless, a fixture pitting clubs eighty-six places apart in the football leagues. It’s a bog marsh of a pitch which makes playing pure football a bit of a problem, but Benrahma fashions another shooting opportunity which he gets a decent contact on, but hammers wide. Lanzini hits the target in the 33rd minute but his shot, though not lacking power, is straight at Hinchcliffe. A few minutes later he puts Antonio through, but Kitching takes it off the big striker’s toes just as he’s pulling the trigger… Soon afterwards Antonio’s deflected shot wins a corner from which Ogbonna heads wide. A whole first half and still nothing to show for match dominance.

The early minutes of the second half show how slippery the pitch is, the ball getting stuck in puddles, a phenomenon that Stockport seem more able to accommodate than West Ham in their 4-5-1 formation. It’s proving a great leveller. Patience seems to be the wisest tactic for now.

The hour is up, and still no goals. Surely the 2020-21 Noble starting curse isn’t going to repeat for a third time? Benrahma, Lanzini and Rice are the architects, but of not very much so far. Soucek and Bowen are stripping off on the bench. There’s goals in them too, I would suggest. The pitch has proved a premature work over for the West Ham players, some of whom are already looking a little leggy. They can’t have played on surfaces like this many times in their respective careers.

The passes are beginning to go astray, shooting across the watery surfaces or stopping suddenly in the muddied puddles. Rooney and the substitute Richie Bennett have good efforts blocked as Stockport find themselves skating strictly across the muddy surface. This is beginning to look like a shock in the making. West Ham have done well not to look too vulnerable yet, and if they get to extra time, the fitness levels may yet tell. Benrahma has West Ham’s first genuine second half chance when the keeper is stranded but his chip is disappointingly mis-directed, and skids wide. West Ham gold numbers on black shirts have so far flattered to deceive, with just ten minutes left.

Not quite time for the roll call of cup banana skins, but I’m finding myself with my heart slightly higher than it should be in my weary frame when Coufal gets in a powerful near post cross that Bowen heads inches wide. Now a brilliant deeper cross from Bowen and Dawson has crept up unmarked on the far post to head powerfully home in the 83rd minute, putting Hammers ahead. In the end the goal thankfully kills the game, but it’s a fixture that West Ham will be glad to put behind them. We’ve seen West Ham lose games like this too many times to not be grateful for the victory.

35 Darren Randolph, 15 Craig Dawson, 31 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 16 Mark Noble (c), 9 Saïd Benrahma, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 3 Aaron Cresswell, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 28 Tomas Soucek

Scorer: 15 Craig Dawson

CHEWED UP

Everton 0 West Ham 1

With the notable exceptions of Antonio and Masuaku, West Ham have had a relatively injury-free season, so when Fabianski goes down in the warm up before the game, the deep intake of breath is understandable. This wasn’t in the script.

Moyes has selected a solid attacking formation for the game, with Fornals and Benrahma both starting, but another new starter, Craig Dawson, goes down at the end of a quiet first quarter of an hour under no challenge from an attacker. A second unscheduled injury? Dawson doesn’t move for some time, but after a little trainer attention he is up and walking again. Wacky.

Richarlison is back for Everton and with Calvert-Lewin scoring freely for England and Everton, the danger is pronounced. Even so, chances are few and far between in the first half. The last time Everton started a season this well they were managed by Moyes.

It’s curious that Everton are choosing not to test Randolph out with shots from distance, bearing in mind it’s his first appearance since the 0-1 FA Cup home defeat against West Bromwich Albion last January. Eventually Bernard hits one to test him from a corner, and the Irish international saves well. Phew.

Everton couldn’t have more motivation to win tonight. If they get three points they will go second and extend their winning run to five for the first time since 2014. And still they look tentative early in the second half.

West Ham don’t normally play in boring chanceless matches like this, but they’d grab the point with both hands if it was offered now.

‘Backwards and backwards and sideways,’ says Leon Osman, the BT Sports summariser. Couldn’t have put it better myself. Fifty minutes gone and just a Cresswell shot and Bernard’s effort from the corner to measure.

On the hour Cresswell’s free kick stings the hands of Jason Pickford as he bashes it away for a corner. Fornals then has a free header from Bowen’s perfect cross, but in an effort to get the power needed to beat the keeper he screws the direction and it peters out wide of the post. Then substitute Antonio hits in a far post effort that Pickford saves well. The intensity has evolved in just ten minutes of action, but each time Everton attack, Ogbonna is majestic in defence.

Fornals off for Antonio and Bowen for Yarmolenko. The Ukrainian hit a brace here in one of his first games for West Ham. Why not do it again?

Ten minutes to go and still no breakthrough. And now comes the goal! Soucek’s late run sees him steer the loose ball created from his original powerful effort into the unguarded net. Moyes hasn’t won at Goodison since he was manager here. He started his second managerial stint for the Hammers with a 4-0 win over Bournemouth also on New Year’s Day.

This is another great start to a year for West Ham United with Moyes at the helm. Hopefully by the end of it there will be fans at matches again to appreciate just how right he is for this club.

35 Darren Randolph, 15 Craig Dawson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 18 Pablo Fornals, 22 Sébastien Haller

Substitutes: 31 Michail Antonio, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini

Scorer: 28 Tomas Souček

TIC TOC TACTICS

Southampton 0 West Ham 0

Sometimes you are wrong and you just admit it. Sometimes you are wrong and you dig in and pretend you are right. Sometimes you lose it and make five changes to the team. Moyes has made a ballsy move, and given a debut for loanee Craig Dawson, too. Maybe too many balls. Why no Coufal? Why drop Bowen? Maybe it’s another ‘game of two halves’ tactic. Maybe it’s two games in four days. Good to see Antonio on the bench, though.

Last time West Ham lost at this ground was in August 2017 thanks to a Charlie Austin penalty three minutes into injury time, and Arnie Arnautovic’s sending off. This kind of opening to a report is usually followed by a requiem for a performance nothing short of pandemic. And the Saints’ manager Ralph Hasenhüttl, despite the umlaut, contracted Hantavirus in 2012 which almost shuffled off his mortal coil, and now someone in his family has contracted Covid-19, he’ll be shouting down the phone from home. So where does it all go from here?

Craig Dawson (starting tonight) was selected for Team GB at the 2012 London Olympics by the manager Stuart Pearce, so there’s a relink that few might have expected (or even been aware of). He even scored a penalty in the QF shoot out v South Korea. Keep up.

Southampton start terrifyingly well and returnee forearm tattoo king Danny Ings slams one in after six minutes, only to have the move brought back for an offside. Hammers soak up the expected early pressure and create an excellent chance for Dawson who catches Che Adams’ head clean on the volley rather than the ball, but thankfully Adams’ head remains connected to the other parts of his body. The replay is like one of those You Tube videos you only hear about an hour after it’s been taken down.

On 25 minutes Cresswell curls in a brilliant free kick that evades desperate defensive lunges but Haller’s final touch lacks the power to beat McCarthy. Once the game hits the half hour, Southampton’s push seems to have abated and Hammers turn up the possession play with a corner, a Cresswell free kick and a header from Fredericks that should have finished in the back of the net instead of McCarthy’s grateful arms. On 43 minutes it’s the first Ward-Prowse free kick opportunity that sends all Hammers hearts to mouths. Nah. High, wide and loathsome.

The second half provides the chessboard for Moyes’ team change plans, and after fifteen minutes of even action, the move is made and Benrahma replaces Lanzini, who has certainly put a game-starting shift in, his 100th PL start. Suddenly the game opens up and Walcott forces an excellent save out of Fabianski with a toe-curling, top-spinning shot. Southampton pick up the role of hitting West Ham on the break, and force a free kick wide on the left, but Hammers defend well. They always look to have height advantage and have made the most of it.

Soucek has a clear headed opportunity which he uncharacteristically heads straight at the keeper. Bowen replaces Yarmolenko and then Antonio comes on for Haller. The game shifts one final time and the fickle finger of fate offers Benrahma the best chance of the game, but his effort strikes McCarthy on the chest and the keeper’s block saves Southampton from a late home defeat.

So West Ham’s first goalless draw for fifteen months, and their first clean sheet on the road since the Sheffield United game. Half the reserve team have just kept West Ham in the upper half of the table. Well done chaps!

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 15 Craig Dawson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Souček, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 18 Pablo Fornals, 22 Sébastien Haller

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 31 Michail Antonio

OH I DO LIKE TO BE FIVE MILES FROM BESIDE THE SEASIDE

West Ham 2 Brighton & Hove Albion 2

Brighton have won at Newcastle and Aston Villa so far this season in the Premier League but have yet to win at their remote Amex seaside resort, so it’s a pity we’re not playing them there.

First shock of the day before a ball is miskicked is to see Ben Johnson coming in for Pablo Fornals. So the one side West Ham have never beaten in the Premier League in six meetings and who are 17th to West Ham’s 10th are going to be treated like they’re in the top five. Moyes has demonstrated, not for the first time this season it has to be said, that he can see something in the game ahead that no one else can see.

And guess what? Brighton play most of the first half as if they’re the home side. The fact that they have yet to win at home may have been some kind of counter intuitive strategy from Moyes, but just when the critics are beginning to think that it might have worked, Neil Maupay puts the home visitors ahead on the stroke of half time. And that is after a relatively eventless half for both sides.

Rice finds Bowen, one of our two home strikers this afternoon, and in his surprise at finding himself in the Brighton half and in possession, he gives the ball away to the opponent’s captain Lewis ‘Slam’ Dunk who finds Maupay, still in his own half. 23 seconds later the ball is in the back of the West Ham net. One minute to half time, and a goal that will guarantee two second half substitutes from Moyes. Good for West Ham’s chances over the ninety minutes that Brighton punished their first half tactics before the half was up. Maupay, Brighton’s number nine, is their top scorer, but hasn’t scored for nine matches. Some symmetry there perhaps. So Moyes has to fix his own leak.

The second half begins with a substitute apology for the first half to West Ham fans everywhere, with Lanzini and Yarmolenko in for Noble and Bowen. Within three minutes the selection error becomes obvious as West Ham have taken control of the game. An issue with Yarmolenko in his recent appearances for the Hammers has been that he always looks like he’s trying to work the ball onto his better foot, even when it’s already there. This afternoon he’s wearing gloves. Lanzini looks like he’s just had a shot of whatever it takes, and his appearance and involvement speeds up the team’s passing. Soon Haller is getting in a goal bound header, the first effort on target for the Hammers in 170 minutes of Premier League action.

On the hour, West Ham get the equaliser that they have been threatening to get, scored by the man making his first start in a West Ham shirt. A man who has played for them since he was seven years of age. Yarmolenko finally finds his right foot (in this case, his left) and curls a cross in that creates turmoil in the Brighton defence before Johnson,set up by Lanzini, calmly strikes the loose ball home.

I know what you’re thinking. Now West Ham push ahead with the advantage and secure the winner. But this is the opposition that does not accept its fate, and returns to bite you in the hand.

But before that happens, I feel it should be mentioned that in the thankless position of target man for an ammunition-less first half Hammers side, Sébastien Haller, who has won most of the aerial balls up to him, but with no one to direct his headers on to, has had nothing to show for his efforts. His success at Eintracht Frankfurt was playing off his striking partner, but the club haven’t yet given him a match fit one to team up with, a fact still being missed by most of the Hammerati.

Brighton now have a rare corner on 70 minutes, which is taken short by Trossard to March, whose cross finds the captain ‘Slam’ who ‘slams’ the loose ball into the roof of the net after he’s patted it to the ground with his left elbow off Soucek’s attempted headed clearance. VAR should sort this out. I’ll spare you a printout of the rules, but it should be disallowed. It isn’t. #VARcrashfootball

West Ham teams from the previous four seasons at this ground might have surrendered to their fate and gone on to concede a third. But even bad tactics can be adjusted, and the team that are good enough to capitalise on such an adjustment will do so. For all the online moaning, Hammers are good enough this afternoon to come back a second time, though it takes a further ten minutes of Brighton possession and West Ham patient play before the moment comes.

Benrahma has been warming up for five minutes, but before he can make an entrance, West Ham equalise. Lanzini and Haller link up well for a twenty plus pass move that ends in a corner which Cresswell takes, and Slam’s attempted clearance merely proves an assist to Soucek’s powerful header from close in. The two players are joined at the hip this afternoon for goal bound action at each end. Not only that, but the Czech’s goal is his fourth in eight games, a pretty decent return.

Brighton have a couple of chances at the other end, but Hammers are playing reactive today and will have to save their proactive selves for midweek visits to Southampton and Everton. Call me naive (and with the benefit of hindsight, you almost certainly will) but after extracting the tooth of a point from this self-inflicted game problem, I feel that the Hammers may well get something from both visits.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice, 28 Tomas Souček, 16 Mark Noble (c), 31 Ben Johnson, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller

Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 9 Saïd Benrahma

Scorers: 31 Ben Johnson, 28 Tomas Souček

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

Chelsea 3 West Ham 0

Mark Noble starts for West Ham for the first time since the opening game of the season. Is he finally fit, or is this a strategic move from West Ham? Jorginho’s inclusion in Chelsea’s XI may be the reason for the change of starting line up, and it’s a back four not a back three, so perhaps this is what Hammers need to thwart Chelsea’s tipetty-tapetty striking line.

Personally, I have never enjoyed West Ham match days at Stamford Bridge, but that’s probably to do with results there (pre-last season) and my unfortunate dislike of arrogance and the colour blue. See, they’re both showing up here. Rice ‘scores’ in the sixth minute only to realise he received the pass from an offside position. Two minutes later Chelsea are ahead, the unmarked Thiago Silva heading in from a Mason Mount corner. Fifteen minutes later and West Ham seem to have disappeared. With just Noble and Haller beyond the halfway line, that’s how it may well stay.

The early Chelsea goal was supposedly the first West Ham have conceded from a set play this season. Bet there’ll be another before the ninety minutes are up. (you’re right there, mate – Ed.) Hopefully we’ll be the ones scoring it. And Hammers are belting the ball downfield out of defence each time a Chelsea attack breaks down. Finally Hammers start to find their mojo and they keep possession for more than four passes, but do nothing with the free kick they eventually win.

Despite the ludicrous amounts of cash that Chelsea have found access to pile into their club over recent years, Stamford Bridge is still not the place you would want to have as your home ground. Rammed into a tight corner of south west London that’s actually not even in Chelsea (it’s in Fulham), you’d describe it as an identity crisis just waiting to happen.

Then two good chances. First Cresswell breaks away on the left and fires in a cross come shot that skids just wide of Mendy’s left hand post. Then Bowen finds Haller who puts in an overhead effort that is deflected away for a corner. It’s as if somebody has put the switch on. Bowen then has a goal disallowed for a push on Silva that no one has seen except the referee. His early whistle unfortunately means VAR can’t be checked. Meanwhile, it’s Fornals. The Spaniard has suddenly decided this might be his game, and he is instrumental in successive moves that give Hammers the possession edge for the half. But that’s all it is, and Chelsea go in a goal ahead at half-time.

Haller has a really good chance two minutes in to the second half from a cross by Cresswell, but can’t get in a clean direct header and the ball skids irritatingly wide. Alan Smith as Sky summariser is starting to fashion a wad of snide sniping comments all directed against individual Hammers’ players and the team generally. Whatever happened to the presenter’s neutrality? This is what it must be like when your team (Arsenal) is the weakest team in London’s Premier League elite. And by some distance. Fulham (whose ground is actually in Fulham) don’t count (though they are only four points behind them).

Hammers continue to dominate but can’t translate the possession into goals. Eventually Moyes buckles and Benrahma comes on. The assist king enters the stadium at the expense of Pablo Fornals. Immediately Hammers step up another gear. Chelsea are buckling, but inexplicably they don’t buckle.

With fifteen minutes left the Blues get a second wind. Benrahma’s appearance has not had the desired effect. A point suddenly looks like a good result. Tammy Abraham catches out the Hammers’ defence, Cresswell playing him onside, and it’s two. Moyes’ gamble playing Noble has not paid off. Abraham scores a second with Chelsea’s second attack of the second half and it’s game over.

So what do we learn from this?

1. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Play your best team.
2. Refs should stick to the VAR rule about not blowing the whistle till the goal action is over.
3. Someone is going to have to put the hours in – hypnotism, bribery, cognitive behavioural therapy, whatever it takes – if we are to keep Declan Rice at West Ham

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice, 28 Tomas Soucek, 16 Mark Noble (c), 18 Pablo Fornals 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 24 Ryan Fredericks

ALLEZ HALLER!

West Ham 1 Crystal Palace 1

I tend to spend my waking moments on any given day shuffling through the various tweets that the Hammerati have seen fit to post after I have achieved shut eye, or put up during a sleepless night before my waking to placate their worries about the team.

These posts tend to run in what I might call gloops. There will be a basic idea, say ‘We need to offload Haller in January’ or ‘Don’t be fooled by Cresswell having a couple of good games – he is shit’ or even ‘Can’t wait for Noble and Antonio to get back so we start winning again’. The one thing common to most of these posts is that they appear to have been written by ‘fans’ that may have not watched a whole match involving the club for many years, possibly even decades. So what to do? Replies are generally swift, and go along the lines of ‘You on the gear, mate?’ (I put the question mark in for clarity) ‘Declan next boss’ or even ‘This Tweet might include sensitive content’.

Twitter is for mugs, I guess, though I can’t get off it for now. It is like an alternative reality that you need to keep an eye on in case you miss something. This of course includes missing the chance to come up with a wise guy piss-taking response that will get you a sackful of ‘likes’ and maybe even the odd ‘follow’.

Which was why at half-time in this match, I trawled through the ‘thinking aloud’ postings and read a stack of the usual tripe about Sébastien Haller’s work rate and strike rate. Recalling ‘boo boys’ from the past, before the days of Twitter (Alan Curbishley, Kevin Keen, Frank Lampard jnr.) generally authored by ‘fans’ looking for ‘targets’ rather than getting behind the team, it suddenly occurred to me. Here comes a Haller moment. Maybe the Haller moment. I must keep my eye on the ‘feed’ throughout the second half.

Palace had proved by far the better side in the first half, no surprise to anyone who has seen how they have played at our ground over the past four or five seasons (with the exception of the ‘Andy Carroll overhead wonder goal’ 3-0 victory in 2016-17). First Zaha, then Townsend, then Eze and Benteke all made inroads into our slightly wobbly defence. Diop, coming in for the injured Balbuena, looked a little uneasy at times, and then Cresswell was caught out on a couple of occasions, one of these being when Joel Ward pushed past him on the right to put in a cross which Benteke stooped beyond his marker Diop to head deftly past Fabianski. Yes that’s right, Benteke, another player who has endured years of bully boy tactics from Aston Villa and Liverpool fans. Now he’s at Palace and is scoring for fun, three in his last three games. Ward had already picked Benteke out twenty minutes prior to the goal but the Belgian striker had headed down and wide. Rice managed to pick out Coufal on the right and the Czech right centre back (#NewBonds) managed to get in several crosses, one which Fornals connected well with, just inches away from the target with his header. Benrahma had an oddly quiet half, and would be eventually substituted in the second near the end by Robert Snodgrass.

Perhaps the old West Ham might have succumbed, especially one playing so poorly directly after Friday’s win at Elland Road. Man of the match Coufal had other ideas, another of his many crosses dropping perfectly for Haller to strike sweetly with an acrobatic overhead past Guaita. The subdued solemn celebration neatly underpinned the delicious quality of the goal. I searched the Twitter feed to find the usual stack of idiots who had trolled Haller throughout the first half, and pinged back opportunistically, ‘this tweet has aged marginally better than your mother’. So what if my account gets suspended, I thought. It will have been worth it.

Benteke received his second yellow for an elbow on Soucek in an aerial tangle, but Hammers were unable to take advantage of the extra man in the last twenty minutes and it ended up dishonours even. Palace’s Roy Hodgson celebrated Haller’s ‘wonder goal’ in his post match interview, commenting, ‘You don’t see goals like that every day.’ The interviewer should then have replied, ‘But Roy, Andy Carroll scored one just like that here against Palace in January 2017.’

So I concede that starting with Benrahma may not necessarily mean a win for the Hammers, but it was at least a point gained out of a disappointing performance. The question is now, can the team muster something special like they did last season on their journey to Stamford Bridge?

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 23 Issa Diop, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 18 Pablo Fornals 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller

Substitutes:, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 14 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Robert Snodgrass

Scorer: Sébastien Haller

THE LIFE OF A FOOTBALL MANAGER

Leeds United 1 West Ham 2

The last time West Ham won at Elland Road was… But that isn’t the kind of report I want to write. See, Leeds have been out of the Premier League for seventeen years. Then it was called the Premiership. Peter Ridsdale was their Director, with a giant fish tank in his office. He called it a grand aquarium. They borrowed a fortune of cash which seemed to bother no one so long as they kept winning. Then they stopped winning, got relegated, and people forgot about them. For seventeen years. Now they are back with an Argentinian manager who sits on a plastic bucket and wears a dodgy-looking anorak, but has the coaching acumen of Rinus Michels. His name is Marcelo Alberto Bielsa Caldera (though forget the Alberto and Caldera for now) and his CV includes managerial positions at Argentina and Chile, and Lazio and Marseille. He was voted the World’s Best National Coach by the IFFHS in 2000-01. So twenty years later here he is at Leeds United, with his translator, having won the Championship with them in 2019-20, and already impressing plenty in his first season in the Premier League. He was so keen to become a manager that he gave up playing football at 25 to achieve his dream. Forty years of success later, Leeds, who stuck with him when he didn’t get them promotion straight away, have had their patience rewarded, and are now back in the top division.

Thank you for reading that last paragraph. I wrote it because West Ham are currently managed by David Moyes, a coach (they call them ‘coaches’ in Europe) who first came to the club as a stop gap between Slaven Bilic and whichever pricey second-language speaking world pedigree manager could be persuaded to take a chance at West Ham’s London Stadium, where success had been in short supply. Moyes proceeded to keep them up and was binned for his efforts in favour of Manuel ‘Pedigree’ Pellegrini, a man who, armed with a pile of cash and plenty of decent international players, had won the Premier League with Manchester City in 2014. He won just 24 out of 64 games at West Ham, and was on his way after just eighteen months. Meanwhile David Moyes was called back to clear up the mess, again, which he did, helping the side avoid relegation in the 2019-20 season. This time he didn’t get binned, possibly because Rafael Benitez preferred to go to China to manage Dalian Professional FC. There could be other reasons. Maybe they finally recognised his talent. But it has worked out. Moyes has already won 8 games out of 15 this season (three and a half months). That’s a third of all the games Pellegrini won in his year and a half here.

Thank you for reading that last paragraph. So you get the gist. Tonight Moyes is giving a first start to Saïd Benrahma, his main close season squad-strengthening purchase. I have already let anyone who would listen know that this is a special player. He starts. We win. I have 100% on that one for now. Tonight he makes a dotted line around the Leeds goal with various efforts that a foot either way would have turned into something meaningful. For those who scream ‘Profligacy!’ let me suggest that he is merely adjusting his aim for the weeks ahead. Either side of those efforts Tomas Soucek heads in from a Jarrod Bowen corner and Angelo Ogbonna powerfully heads home what turns out to be the winner in the 80th minute from an Aaron Cresswell free kick. Just before that Pablo Fornals suffers the frustration of watching his effort trickle inches wide from a perfect Declan Rice through ball. But that is nothing to the agony of Sébastien Haller, whose industry over the ninety minutes (involving a spectacular late overhead, brilliantly saved by Illan Meslier) only achieves significance in the second minute when he loses possession to Liam Cooper who puts Patrick Bamford through to be pulled down by Fabianski for a third minute penalty. The keeper saves Mateusz Klich’s kick, but VAR spots Fabianski a centimetre off his line, so Klich gets another chance, which he doesn’t waste.

The spectacular penalty start counts for bugger all in the end, though it gives Moyes something to be disappointed about in his post match interview. And it was his team that won. That’s what I love. When the manager gets three points but is still annoyed at the end of the game. This can only mean higher… and higher… Crystal Palace on Wednesday. Let me check my crystal ball. Well, if Benrahma starts… (it says here)…

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 18 Pablo Fornals 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller

Substitutes:, 16 Mark Noble, 31 Ben Johnson

Scorer: Tomas Soucek, Angelo Ogbonna

A GAME OF TWO HALVES, AND TWO THOUSAND FANS

West Ham 1 Manchester United 3

‘If I knew then what I know now,’ is a well known Country Music classic, recorded by Charlie Rich in 1965 from his ‘That’s Rich’ RCA album, in all likelihood before you were born. I mention this because this lyric described how I was feeling at the end of this bizarre game that welcomed 2000 Hammers’ fans back into London Stadium for the first time since the fully attended game against Southampton back in February 2020.

This when you look at it was a game in which West Ham should have scored three, possibly four goals without reply, by half-time. The actuality was that they managed just the one, a tap in at the far post by Tomas Soucek from Declan Rice’s brilliant headed assist six minutes before half time. Sebastien Haller was through on goal barely a minute later, but trod on the ball when he was squeezing the trigger to make it 2-0. Ten minutes earlier Pablo Fornals had placed a delicious connect wide of Henderson, in goal for the absent de Gea, but agonisingly against the inside of the post with the goal gaping. Jarrod Bowen had hit the back of the net early in the game only to be brought back for having originally collected the through ball in an offside position.

In the second half Ole Gunnar Solskjaer brought on Fernandes and Rashford, but Hammers continued to lay siege to Manchester United’s goal, and then Bowen and Haller came close again. Then, in a further West Ham break, a loose ball was played forward into space for Bowen. Henderson raced off his line and his clearance, whilst seemingly going out of play found Fernandes, who laid it off to Pogba, and the Frenchman struck an irritatingly exquisite shot from twenty-five yards that fizzed past Fabianski and into the corner of the net. There is naturally for the Hammers no way currently for VAR to check if a high ball along the line has crept out of play, so the ‘goal’ was given, and the gates were open for a Manchester United onslaught that yielded another two.

I also mentioned the song I mentioned earlier because Charlie Rich also released a top ten single entitled ‘Behind Closed Doors’ back in 1974 which, ironically, was a place where this game was not played. Odd though that players should get nervous in front of such a relatively small crowd in a stadium that will (eventually) seat 66,000. But that was how it happened. West Ham’s run of three wins came to an end, and Manchester United’s away run of eight successive wins stretched to nine.

Why was this? A certain amount of luck, some inspired substitutions by Solskjaer and the continuing absence of a fully fit Michail Antonio, who clearly overdid it with the 45 minute shift he put in against Aston Villa here on Monday. There’s also the small issue of none of David Moyes’ teams ever having beaten Manchester United since he left them by mutual dissent. One thing was for sure though, it wasn’t the kit, salvaged as it must have been from some A-Ha video shoot from the 1980s.

Despite all of this, I wasn’t thinking of Charlie Rich on my way to the game, and hadn’t given him a second thought even when Paul Pogba’s shot beat Fabianski, but when Greenwood hit a brilliant second less than three minutes later, and then Rashford hit a third after being put through by Juan Mata, the third substitute, and this after hitting the post a couple of minutes earlier, the Charlie Rich song suggested itself to me. That might make me Mr. Hindsight, I accept that, but FFS, how is it suddenly 1-3 after all that? A further misery was to reveal itself later that evening, when the boffs at Match of the Day proved with a technology that VAR doesn’t have that the first goal should have been disallowed as Henderson’s clearance clearly went out of play before reaching Fernandes. Perhaps Charlie Rich recorded ‘Stockley Park’ but I’m not going to google it. I would get no satisfaction, even if it turns out he had.

With Manchester United in a city where Tier 3 is a life of lockdown that will probably prevent them playing in front of even two thousand of their fans, or friends of their corporate sponsors, it proved a decent day out, and an observation that paying fans baying you on to score more goals than the side you are playing may well prove an overrated dream. After all, they’ve now won nine in a row without any travelling fans to beguile the otherwise straightforward talents of the players on their bench. And they have won the last five after going behind, that’s what’s so weird. And I did know that then before I knew this now.

Yes, profligacy is not an art form, though it could be habit-forming. West Ham’s lesson, if learned comprehensively, could still prove useful in this fascinating and curiously unpredictable developing season.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 18 Pablo Fornals 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller

Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 31 Ben Johnson

Scorer: Tomas Soucek

A TOUCH OF THE LIVERPOOL’S

West Ham 2 Aston Villa 1

It has always been a mystery to many a West Ham United follower just how Arsenal (historically), Manchester United (early in the days of the ‘Premiership’) and Liverpool (most recently) have managed continually to ‘win ugly’ whilst simultaneously ‘playing ordinary’.

‘1-0 to the Ar-se-nal’ is a plaintive cry that still encourages bile to form spontaneously at the back of my throat. Why has that shit never happened to the humble West Ham fan? (other than of course in that 7 match run in 1985-86 when the team only had to show up for a match to be guaranteed victory)

Okay, so this is a totally weird and unrepresentative season with behind closed doors fixtures – and about to get weirder with 50% of ‘crowds’ made up of curious corporates who couldn’t get tickets for Spurs and Arsenal games – but even the most hardened cynical Hammers supporters must have concluded at the end of this game that they might be entering a new phase where ‘Lady Luck’ is concerned. Just quite what might have encouraged the grand dame to enter the London Stadium fray is still a mystery. Is it the delicious testosteronal mix of David Moyes, Stuart Pearce, Andy Irvine, Kevin Nolan and… wait for it… Mister Pi? (yes, him) Or is it some other collection of enigmatic ingredients?

The point is that this was a home game where West Ham fashioned just two genuine efforts on goal across the ninety minutes, both within two minutes of the start of each half, and both resulting in goals, the first a header by Angelo Ogbonna from Jarrod Bowen’s corner, the second another header, this time Bowen’s from a clever curling chip by Saïd Behrama, the would be Payet only entering the arena as a substitute less than a minute earlier. Aston Villa, the opposition, who wear West Ham’s colours (or they theirs, you know what I mean) when they play at home were, in this game, generally faster to the ball, and created more goal opportunities, but were unable to make their early dominance count (other than in scoring the best goal of the game) and reached the final minute wondering just how they were about to complete a game in which they were far and away the better side, with nothing to show for their efforts. If I take two teams from my opening paragraph (Arsenal, Liverpool) and West Ham’s games against them this season, you will see how these things work.

Returning to the Hammers’ unique and spectacular coaching staff, this is where we might find the clue. Remember Arsenal, Manchester United and Liverpool’s five deep row of track-suited open-mouth gum chewing neanderthals sync-baying for blood from their cosseted position on the bench? Of course you do. Those ‘Champions’ DVDs and Sky reruns are full of them. Well Hammers’ bunch of baying brutes have actually chosen, in this pandemicia, to position themselves more disparately. Pearce and Irvine are positioned in the gods, kind of, a few rows back in the amber Covid Zone B with their radio mics, from where they have a raised panoramic view of the action. This leaves Moyes in the technical area, Mister Pi on the bench in front of the substitutes, and Kevin Nolan, with his iPad and fashioned monosyllabic chanting delivery of instructions, moving between the two on the ground. A brilliant synthesis of ideas and observation. A team for the twenties, you might say.

There will be those of you asking who Mister Pi is, and to you I would say, keep up, keep up. Every team needs a sports scientist, as well as a chaplain. I will take a look at West Ham’s chaplain in later games, as he tends to exert his unquestioned influence from an even greater panoramic position in his socially distanced seat. Doctor Pi, though, is the articled influence, the man with letters after his name, a man who has done the hard yards and studied to the nth degree (quite lidderally) just how to turn presence into points on the football field. He cuts quite a figure on the bench with his Glenn Gregory brilliant white hair and his knowing expression, and yet you wouldn’t notice him at first glance. He’s Mister Pi, after all.

Aston Villa have noticed him. They have a player called Jack Grealish who wears mini shin pads and who dances around the pitch with socks round his ankles, a fashionista hair style and a captain’s armband, the front figure for Villa’s assault on the Premier League that has seen them recently win 3-0 at Arsenal and beat champions’ Liverpool 7-2 in front of their own fan. The problem is that Mr. Grealish, for all his moderna, carries with him that rather passé characteristic still seen in swimming pools, should you be fortunate enough to find one open, of the Grand Diver. Not for nothing is he known as football’s Tom Daley. Even with observation from every one of the 36 TV cameras in the ground or mobile phone twenty lens cameras, he still dives. On some occasions he will receive a challenge to his right leg and resurface from a stylised collapse clutching his shoulder. In short, dare I say it (yes, I dare) a cheat. And yet he doesn’t need to. So why does he? I guess it’s part of that whole impresario thing on the sports pitch – the untouchable sportsman who believes he should be free to be untouchable – to ply his trade without the irritating interference of – other players.

For me, in these days of Covid, I like to go with the science. And for us, in football, that means going with the sports scientist. West Ham’s scientist, observing some early transgressions by Mr. Grealish, commented on them using that earlier mentioned c-word. Falling on the ordinarily deaf ears of the opposition manager, the Villa boss then responded to the science from the other side of the technical area, reviling the opinion dismissively with the compound epithet ‘f***ing twat.’ But you ought to listen to the science Mr. Smith, I kept thinking, for it speaks the truth.

In the second half, that other bastion of fair play and common decency, John Terry, presumably having had the half-time break to consider his case, moved from his opposition bench position magisterially, and somewhat unexpectedly, into the technical area. He voiced his opinion on the science unambiguously, using his own choice of c-word and then suggesting the sports scientist meet him in the tunnel after the match, and he didn’t mean for a game of cards. The science replied ‘All day long,’ showing scant respect for a man more than familiar with defending his dishonour from the inside of a courtroom. The fourth official, summoned from his residual slumber, now beckoned to the science to join him and Mr. Terry, now temporarily parked in the technical area, to each receive a yellow card for their respective contributions.

Well into the second half on the field of play, Aston Villa were still chasing the game at 2-1, when they were awarded what can only be described as a ‘soft penalty’ for Rice’s momentary shirt tug on Ollie Watkins. Watkins, the hat-trick hero from the 7-2 demolition of Liverpool, stepped up and struck the top of Fabianski’s crossbar with his effort, from which Coufal was able to clear. This was one of Villa’s sixteen efforts on goal during the game, and there was still time for one more in injury time which found Watkins again, happy to atone for his earlier penalty miss by slotting home a deserved equaliser. Then Darth VARder stepped in and, applying Agamemnon’s Principle, calculated that Watkins’ shoulder had strayed offside in a failed attempt to avoid a foul on him by Ogbonna. Result: ‘goal’ disallowed.

And there you have it. Another three points to West Ham. Third win in a row. ‘Clips’ will no doubt wrap his dulcet metallic tones around the phrase, ‘We Are Massive.’ And now you can be certain that he is right.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 18 Pablo Fornals 20 Jarrod Bowen, 30 Michail Antonio
Substitutes: 9 Saïd Benrahma, 22 Sébastien Haller, 16 Mark Noble

Scorers: Angelo Ogbonna, Jarrod Bowen

UNDER THE KNIFE

Sheffield United 0 West Ham 1

No team would be keen to take on a side in November still looking for their first league win. When that side is Sheffield United, who finished (9th) in their first season back in the Premier League for 12 seasons away (which included six successive seasons in League One) it looks even more fate-laden. To roll out three points to a side no one else has lost to in three months would not be great for the spirit. So now that thought is out of the system, let’s get on with the task of winning this one and getting into the upper reaches of the Premier League Table once again. The Snodfather is on the bench and will remember his superb VAR goal in injury time in this fixture earlier this year that should have resulted in a deserved draw. So VAR owes him one. Captain John Egan’s third minute ball puts Baldock through and is a genuine early chance for the Blades, but Fabianski smothers the effort well. Bit of an early worry, as is their dominant possession in the first ten minutes. Bill Leslie, Sky’s commentator this afternoon, explains that he has made the effort to establish that Vladimir Coufal requests ‘Soufal’ as his phonetic UK appellation. Tomas Soucek has yet to have time on the ball, so we’ll see if Leslie took the trouble to ask about his preference. Hammers are beginning to knock the ball around with a little more confidence, the left channel of Masuaku and Fornals linking well to provide Bowen with a couple of half chances. And there it is finally, in the fourteenth minute… ‘Sow-check’.

Sheffield United v West Ham is one of a handful of February 29th Hammers fixtures in the club’s history, played on a Tuesday back in 1971-72, and finishing up 3-0 to the home side with a hat trick from Bill Dearden. Yes, this has been a particularly incident-free first twenty minutes, but at least West Ham now turn up the temperature and after some tricky footwork by Masuaku a ball is pumped into the centre and Bowen sets up Foucal whose powerful shot is beaten out by Aaron Ramsdale, fortunately for him straight to a Blades’ defender who clears gratefully. Soucek then times a run perfectly from deep, found by Haller’s brilliant header, but agonisingly steers the ball wide when it looked easier to score. That move is enough to raise the spirits of the ‘virtual’ West Ham following, which is turned up a notch or two by the other VAR official (Volume Adjustment Reaction person). Basham’s ball in to McBurnie at the other end is headed towards the top corner but Fabianski makes a smart save, pawing the ball away for a corner from which McGoldrick touches the ball onto the post with Fabianski beaten, though is later revealed to have been in an offside position from the rebound. Hammers then break and Bowen has his shot blocked by Egan and Soucek heads just over from the resultant corner. Exciting end to a positive first half. ‘Tacos to the chateau’ says Snoop Dogg as the half-time ‘entertainment’ chimes in.

Rice is involved in the first meaningful move of the second half, chipping a through ball to Haller who brings it down well but can’t get a clean shot in on goal. There isn’t a West Ham fan in the country who’d be disappointed to see Haller start to get amongst the goals. There’s been sufficient Eintracht Frankfurt You Tube footage in lockdown to siphon through to see what he is capable of… And as if by magic, though West Ham haven’t won here since 1968, Sébastien Haller smacks a half chance from the edge of the area past Ramsdale. Alan Smith calls it a ‘hit and hope,’ though it’s anything but. Within three minutes he is calling it a ‘great hit’ – the Goonster. Keep your bleeding eyes open. Don’t forget you used to play for Alvechurch, you plunket, that great amateur team of hit and hopes…

Ryan Brewster, Sheffield United’s £23m pre-season signing is poised to enter the arena as a substitute… could be a story emerging here. Hopefully he’ll kick off his career at Bramall Lane, just starting next week… Now Masuaku breaks and puts Haller in for a second but his shot is agonisingly wide. It looked on replay like he hadn’t expected the chance. Having ploughed a hapless furlough for some time at the club, Haller should realise that this isn’t a Pellegrini tappety-tapping outfit any more. Now after Cresswell’s vicious near post corner, Rice gets up brilliantly to head against the bar… and over. Actually now looking like an entertaining game… Olly McBurnie is through on the break alongside Coufal and beats Fabianski with his powerful strike, but the ball comes back off the crossbar and is hooked clear…

Pinball Alley in the next five minutes as shots rain in on the Sheffield United goal, first Haller and then Bowen seeing their efforts blocked. A second goal would be welcome now, that’s for certain. In injury time Mark Noble enters the fray to ease ahead of Steve Potts with a 507th appearance, and to have the chance to play a small part in this memorable away victory which takes West Ham up to 8th in the table. Last Hammer to score a winner here was Geoff Hurst in April 1968, so Haller is finally in the kind of company he should cherish.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller, 18 Pablo Fornals

Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini, 16 Mark Noble

Scorer: Sébastien Haller

PARKER’S UNWELCOME CHARLIE

West Ham 1 Fulham 0

Rarely can a game that looked to be petering out to yet another pay per view disappointment have finished so fabulously. But it could have been so different.

The first six minutes went exactly as we had all imagined they might. Shot after shot after shot, forcing early athletic saves from Alphonse Areola. First Masuaku, then Cresswell and finally Bowen kept Areola’s hands warm. The chances kept coming in the first half, Haller’s header clipping the bar, but Fulham were determined not to buckle.

Remembrance weekend had earlier been fastidiously observed in the empty stadium, the lone trumpeter standing behind the goal overlooking the two huddled teams across each side of the centre circle. The fixture, crowbarred into its late pay per view Saturday evening slot, seemed strangely empty of urgency after the initial siege to Fulham’s goal. Perhaps it was the bizarre American election that had sapped the viewing energy of the UK public over the week, or it could have been the request for fans to boycott the additional expenditure, but the feeling of being unwatched slowly wound the action down to fragments and titbits.

Masuaku and Cresswell both seem liberated now they are playing alongside each other and since Moyes moved the latter into the centre of defence. If players occupying the same position are both good enough for first team action, the creative manager will move one of them to have different responsibilities and accommodate both talents rather than have one necessarily absent each week. This has been Moyes at his most shrewd: using what he has with acumen and thoughtfulness. Both players are arguably now enjoying their best spells at the club in this strange season.

Fulham had won their first Premier League game of the season against West Brom on the Monday with two early goals, but looked somewhat clueless in the first half. The second half was not much different, Cresswell’s early free kick clattering against Areola’s crossbar, but they finally mustered a decent chance twenty minutes from time when Fabianski saved De Cordova-Reid’s smart low shot. Two minutes later Benrahma and Lanzini were brought on to fashion a winner. The home debutant almost managed it a minute from time with two close range efforts that Areola pawed at in desperation to preserve the stalemate.

The winner came as the match slipped into injury time, Balbuena’s hopeful chip into the area was headed by Andersen straight to Benrahma who set up Soucek to place the ball expertly past the Fulham keeper. Haller was in an offside position in the line of the keeper’s vision, but no matter. The Fulham team seemed resigned to their fate as they jogged back lugubriously to the centre circle. Parker still had time to make a second substitution, bringing Cavaleira on for Anguissa, and the fresh legs worked a last minute corner. After the agony of some desperate pinball action, the ball broke free to the Fulham captain Cairney, who was hacked down by Benrahma before the loose ball was cleared by Rice. Premier League debutant ref Robert Jones charitably played on until the VAR team shouted something loudly in his ear, and he was soon hurrying over to check the replay on his personal screen. The replay, also shown on the big screen, delivered the Big Reveal.

Blame it on the Panenka. Just what possessed Ademola Lookman to conclude the match with the most bizarre penalty seen in Stratford since Jonathan Brownlee got on his bike too early after his swim at the 2012 London Olympics and forfeited a Triathlon bronze may never be known. Lookman’s inexplicable effort in the end cost his side a valuable away point that they had actually done little to deserve, if truth be told. Even so, he must have felt a right Charlie.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller, 18 Pablo Fornals

Substitutes: 23 Issa Diop, 9 Said Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini

Scorer: Tomas Soucek

LIVERWÜRST

Liverpool 2 West Ham 1

Anfield, home of Gerry Marsden’s great number one hit, ‘I Like It.’ Any result other than a defeat is called for tonight, so we can all ‘like it’.

Manuel Lanzini, the architect of Hammers’ 3-0 here in August 2015, is on the bench with Saïd Benrahma, who has taken the number 9 West Ham shirt. Vic Watson, Carlton Cole and Geoff Hurst wore it too. It’s a goal scoring shirt number, but Benrahma fashions as well as finishes. West Ham start well and a great early cross from Coufal wins a corner in the ninth minute, but nothing comes of it. A minute later Arthur Masuaku hits in another cross which Joe Gomez can only head out to Fornals, who hammers in a low eleventh-minute opener. DEE-LISCH!

Liverpool are looking to go a record 63rd game unbeaten. This would take Klopp level with Shankly. We really should help preserve Shanks’ record. He and Klopp are probably the two best-ever Liverpool managers, with little to divide them. We wouldn’t want to split loyalties. Shanks was right. It’s much more important than that.

Fornals’ form has been one of the reasons West Ham have been playing so well, and his ability to score on the road – this his second career goal at Anfield – has given Stam a great start. Bill Leslie, Sky’s commentator for the game, calls Tomas Soucek ‘sow-check’ as in ‘sour’. Yet another incorrect pronunciation. Jose Mourinho went one better, calling Soucek ‘Marouane Fellaini’.

Henderson meanwhile activates the Liverpool crowd cheer button with a low shot from outside the area which has Fabianski scuttling across his goal, but the ball goes wide of his right hand post. Leslie calls Coufal ‘Coufal’ which correct if he says it as he sees it. However ‘C’ is pronounced ‘Ts’ with a Czech tongue, so he’s done himself twice. Who’d be a commentator in these days of multifarious footy names?

Half an hour gone and Hammers are holding their lead and still attacking and countering well. At the other end Mane and Robertson combine effortlessly, but the finish is skied well over. Liverpool fashion a free kick opportunity for Trent Alexander-Arnold to unleash both of his barrels, but the Hammers’ wall holds firm. But the error, and who can afford errors against this lot, finally happens. Its Masuaku, previously the assist king, who gives away an unnecessary penalty, tapping at Mo Salah’s foot from behind. Has he cancelled out his assist? It’s majorly soft. Salah has scored all of his last four pens and got one late in Liverpool’s midweek Champions League outing against Danish champions Midtjylland. He hits it straight down the middle past Fabianski, who dives out the way to his left. Hammers threw away their lead last season, too. Bah. Level at half-time? I’ll take that.

The second half could go one of three ways, but only one of these is the favourite, and it involves Liverpool scoring again at least once. Five minutes in and Masuaku is creating chances again, his cross reaching Fornals who scuffs his shot which Ramses eventually grabs at with gratitude. These middle of the second half periods are usually the ones that produce the point-securing moments for West Ham. All that can be said for this evening is that they are not currently being overrun. For some reason I am thinking about Benrahma’s role in this side, though he is unlikely to see action unless West Ham go behind.

Declan Rice is magnificent, leading the side out of defence time and time again. Haller is leading the line tonight in the absence of Antonio, but his touch still looks a little heavy at times. Great in the air, though. Cresswell looks to have done his groin in stretching for a loose ball, and Nolan has his iPad out, barking orders. In the meantime Fornals has another shot blocked when a real chance for a goal looked on… then a brilliant last second tackle at the other end by Ogbonna when Mane looked through. We’re in the seventieth minute and on comes Shaqiri… and Diego Jota… uh oh. Ante upped. Salah shoots wide.

Yarmolenko replaces Haller, who has missed his first Premier League start opportunity to look like a decent replacement for Antonio. Just fifteen minutes left. West Ham are so good at fashioning defeat from point-winning positions, and matched with Liverpool’s ability to finish well, my nails are bitten. Now comes a key moment. Mane dives in on Ogbonna and then Fabianski and the ball runs loose for Jota to hit home. Question is did Mane foul Fabianski? Maybe he fouled Ogbonna? Long, long VAR. No resolution, and the ref is sent to the screen by the tunnel and he rules it out. No matter. Four minutes from time Jota runs through to hit the winner, slipped in by Shakiri, as the strikers outnumber West Ham’s defence. A substitution masterclass. No surprise, sadly. Benrahma and Lanzini come on for a couple of thumb-twiddling moments, but in the end it’s same old same old… and, like last season, harsh.

Next week offers up Fulham at home on a late pay-per-view opportunity. Where will you be putting your money?

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Sébastien Haller, 18 Pablo Fornals
Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 9 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini

Scorer: 18 Pablo Fornals

PLEASANT IN THE BIG CITY

West Ham 1 Manchester City 1

One of the irritating advents of Premier League ‘Big Money’ football for West Ham fans has been the previous ‘writing off’ of home fixtures against sides like Manchester City or Liverpool. Indeed at the beginning of the 2019-20 season, even though the Hammers’ manager was one of those who had won the title with City, people were writing off the game as a ‘free hit.’ Sure enough, West Ham lost 5-0. Add this to the previous games against City at this new stadium that was supposed to raise the WHU profile to the extent where they’d be seen as able to compete with such teams, 0-5, 0-4, 1-4, 0-4, 0-5, and there it is – lost all five, scored 1, conceded 22. Pitiful.

Going back to the previous five games to that v City at the Boleyn ground, 2-2, 2-1, 0-3, 1-3, 1-1, won one, drew two, lost two, scored 6, conceded 10, it looked then less like a ‘free hit’ and more like a game where being the home side might offer some hope.

Today West Ham have 7 points from their first five games, last season they had 8 at the same stage, but wins over Watford and Norwich, two clubs that were to be eventually relegated, was nothing to get too excited about. Wins over Leicester and Wolves, and a point at Tottenham after a dramatic fightback, not to mention a goal difference of +4, and this season things look more promising.

The Behind Closed Doors element to the Premier League seems to be adding an air of spirit to a money-dominated league, indicated by Aston Villa and Everton’s smart early showings. City are facing the Hammers from behind them in the table for the first time since 2009, having been smashed 2-5 at home by Leicester City (who Hammers then defeated 3-0 the following week).

In the first couple of minutes City almost take an early lead as Sterling bursts through from Aguero’s clever pass, but it’s Vlad the Enforcer who interposes himself between player and ball to concede the corner. He reminds me of a young Billy Bonds at right back, newly signed from Charlton Athletic, in the late 1960s. The opening quarter of an hour offers a lot of possession for City but little action for Fabianski, and when it comes, the first goal is for the home side. Aguero loses possession in the centre circle, and Fornals immediately finds Bowen with a neat through ball and City put it out for a throw. When Soucek picks up the loose ball he plays it to Foucal whose deep cross is turned in spectacularly with an overhead from Antonio, despite the close attentions of City’s new signing Ruben Dias. Guardiola looks studious, but not beaten. It is extraordinary how the goal emboldens West Ham, and they control the next half an hour and should be further ahead in the 25th minute when Garcia fells Antonio as he accelerates past him, wide on the left. Mahrez is profligate a couple of times in front of goal, and Hammers edge it in the half and deserve to be ahead at the interval. Two interesting points to notice from the game so far are first how Fabianski has hit virtually all his goal kicks long, and not played out possession from the back, and second how Cresswell and Masuaku, players who have rarely played in the same team over the last few seasons are now both part of an integrated defence, letting very little through. Masuaku, in particular, often partial to a dribble, has shown some very deft touches at times.

20 year old local boy Phil Foden is introduced at the beginning of the second half to replace Sergio Aguero, having this year made his debut as a full England international. For all the international flair on show in the City side, it is their local Stockport born boy who makes the difference, winning a corner in the first minute. Antonio holds up a hand to indicate a hamstring pull. Kevin Nolan discusses tactics with Yarmolenko who looks like the replacement, but before he can come on, Foucal is beaten down the left and the cross in finds Foden who manoeuvres his position swiftly to hammer home past Fabianski. Rather irritatingly, the organisation off the substitution appears to have led to a slip in concentration and city are level as Yarmolenko enters the fray.

City now settle down for their best passage of play in the match. They have half an hour to control this game and find a second goal to win it. Yarmolenko, who likes to cut in from the right, sees very little of the ball in his first quarter of an hour on the pitch. City have the upper hand and in previous seasons their possession might have won it for them, but not this afternoon. Foucal is very solid at the back on the right from where most of City’s threat is operating. Bowen’s tireless and often unsupported runs swallow much of the game’s time as those wishing for West Ham to get something out of the game continue to look nervously across at Kevin De Bruyne. The Belgian finally comes on to replace Bernardo Silva, but apart from a lone poor free kick, offers little threat. Yarmolenko has his one chance in the game that he spoons up and over before Haller joins him at the expense of Jarrod Bowen. An odd substitution, perhaps a throw of the dice to have two out and out strikers at the cost of a chance maker.

Fornals is through on 84 minutes, found by Yarmolenko, and onside as the replay shows, but he just has no energy left in him to get into a position to beat Ederson. Masuaku then lets De Bruyne in on the ball to put Sterling in and only the quick thinking of Fabianski blocks the chance. A minute later and Yarmolenko’s back pass is blocked to let Sterling in again and this time the genius of Ogbonna takes it off his talented toes before Yarmolenko, chasing back to atone for his error, wellies it clear. The three additional minutes pass without incident and it’s a point won for West Ham in the end, their first in six meetings with Manchester City at London Stadium. Thank goodness next week only offers up Liverpool away as opposition.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 30 Michael Antonio, 18 Pablo Fornals
Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 22 Sébastien Haller

Scorer: 30 Michail Antonio

BALE REFUSED

Tottenham Hotspur 3 West Ham 3

Before this game I am clinging at hopes. It is Spurs, after all. So for the good news. Bale is not starting. But he is on the bench. The only reason this is worth a comment is that whenever there is a story behind a high profile player’s arrival at a club, especially after seven years, you can bet his first game will be against… yes, so it bears a mention.

Tomas Soucek has a shot at goal after sixteen seconds, but from the clearance Son easily beats Balbuena and moments later the ball is in the back of the net. It’s beyond feeble from West Ham. Son now draws level with Calvert-Lewin at the top of this season’s Premier League goal scorers with seven goals. Cresswell drags a little pride back into the opening chapter of the game with a well-taken free-kick on five minutes which flies just a whisker beyond Lloris’ right hand post, but Spurs have a second on eight minutes after Kane nutmegs Declan Rice and then hammers the ball past the momentarily unsighted Fabianski. Kane heads home his second and Spurs’ third after a brilliant cross from Rodriguez. I note that Tottenham have had three efforts on goal to West Ham’s four. Perhaps Moyes should consider a return to managing from his sick bed. We are three goals down after just fifteen minutes.

Fornals brings the ball out from defence and I realise that’s the first time I’ve seen him touch the ball after twenty whole minutes, but three minutes later he is wide on the left hitting a decent effort at Lloris that the Spurs’ keeper fields well. You know from experience with this kind of away performance from West Ham that even with more than an hour left, it is now just a matter of damage limitation. Carlton Cole might point to Scott Parker’s inspirational half-time pep talk with Hammers 3-0 down at the Hawthorns in a match that finished 3-3, but that’s not happening today.

Højbjerg nips away at Bowen’s ankles for the second time in a minute and gives a free kick away, which West Ham waste. They are having a lot of the game for a side that were 3-0 down after 16 minutes, but at the other end Son steals in on the blindside and Fabianski makes a breathtaking save. Antonio looks a little heavy in the stride as he did in the Newcastle game and you realise how important it is for West Ham that he plays well; he leads the line. Spurs are still giving free kicks away and a late one comes from Aurier in a promising position, but Hammers cannot fashion anything from it. Is it lunacy at half-time to say they played okay apart from conceding those three early goals?

If you’re a West Ham ‘fan’ and let’s face it, why else would you be reading this, you will have already experienced many moments of despair and head-shaking over the years, and no doubt that’s where you are now. The false dawns are the hardest to take. An unexpectedly brilliant win, sometimes followed by a second, should never fool you. The crushing away defeat is never that far away. The ball drops obligingly for Soucek early in the second half, but his acrobatic twist in mid air disappointingly makes no contact with the ball, and Masuaku blazes the loose ball over in frustration. Then Antonio finds Fornals at the far post but he arrives too soon and heads over. The truth is that there are four or five players out there having mediocre games, and no team can carry that many low level performances and not get hammered. Then you see the corner count: 5-0 to West Ham, and you start thinking… But no, it’s not happening. Get real.

Fornals is making more and more headway in the game with his passing and control on the ball and he now finds Bowen wide in plenty of space, but Soucek’s header at the end of it is blocked. A long throw by Masuaku is thumped away by Alderweireld. It’s all West Ham for now. A rare Spurs’ attack sees Fabianski brilliantly deny Kane his hat-trick. That would have been hard to take. West Ham are playing some neat tippety tappety football… but that’s all it is. Easy on the eye, but with a heavy bar bill still to pay. And of course here comes Gareth Bale. All I can remember from him is that last minute winning goal at Upton Park and that irritating tendency by start all post-match interviews with a three second high-pitched ‘errrrr’ followed by a lame pile of pointless platitudes. Yep, let the feet do the talking.

West Ham respond from the sub’s bench with Manuel Lanzini, a player who once took Liverpool apart at Anfield. Since coming back from his long injury, Lanzini has not delivered the same performances, sadly. But never say never. Just fifteen more minutes looking at that score line and I can cook myself some tea. Antonio off for Yah Mo B There. Kane hits the post with Fabianski beaten and a ‘perfect hat-trick’ in the offing. My first real moment of pleasure in the game to see him denied. That’s another thing following this team gives you: the propensity for meanness where the other team are concerned.

Balbuena then heads neatly home from Cresswell’s free kick in the 82nd minute to make up for his mistake at the other end of the game. Then Foucal’s cross is turned past Lloris by Sánchez to reduce Spurs’ lead further. Five minutes to find an equaliser… now that was unexpected. Snodgrass comes on for the last five minutes… Kevin Nolan furiously waves an iPad with some hurriedly typed plans on it at him as if they might yield a result… Bale, meanwhile, just a handful of minutes after coming on eases himself past Ogbonna with just Fabianski to beat after a brilliant run, but flounders with a tame, wide finish.

In the fourth minute of injury time, Cresswell has a free kick wide on the left, cleverly won by Snodgrass from Aurier. He has to take it a second time as the referee isn’t ready. When he pumps it in again, Kane is back to head out, Harry Winks takes it off Snodgrass’ toes and the loose ball runs to Lanzini who hits an absolute screamer into the top corner of the net. Lloris has actually got a hand to it, but was never keeping that out.

Spurs can’t even fashion two passes after the kick off before the referee blows for full time. A proper two-ended game, that. I suddenly remember Obiang’s screamer, also against Spurs, at Wembley, in another draw – that one was 1-1 in early 2018. Lightning striking twice, and then twice again. (Or is that three times?)

Well, well. We go eighth.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

I need to lie down.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 4 Fabian Balbuena, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (c), 28 Tomas Soucek, 26 Arthur Masuaku, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 30 Michael Antonio, 18 Pablo Fornals


Substitutes: 10 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Robert Snodgrass, 7 Andriy Yarmolenko

Scorers: 4 Fabian Balbuena, Own Goal, 10 Manuel Lanzini

LEICESTER NO TESTER

SHEEP’S CLOTHING

West Ham 4 Wolverhampton Wanderers 0

It seems few people have noticed a player at the club by the name of Pablo Fornals. Yes, they noticed him when he missed an ‘absolute sitter’ in the 43rd minute of this Sunday evening game. But few commented on the moment of genius he demonstrated in the 17th minute that set this match alive and began the historical humbling of Nuno Espirito Santo’s ‘mighty Wolves’. Full marks to referee Martin Atkinson, incidentally, for allowing Fornal’s swiftly taken free kick, awarded after Antonio had been wrestled to the ground by Adama Traoré, and which was dispatched so effectively by Jarrod Bowen. Fornals was in evidence for a third time when his measured shot beat Rui Patricio but came back off the post to give Bowen a simple tap-in for West Ham’s second. Two assists, two goals. Unselfish enough to miss the one of those three opportunities that would have meant a goal for him.

By the time Mark Noble and Sébastien Haller came on from the bench, Tomas Soucek’s deflected near post third from Aaron Cresswell’s corner had made the game safe. Haller’s first Premier League goal this season which followed, was a simple header buried in the back of the Wolves’ net in the last minute of the game.

So where to start with this result? It’s first worth mentioning that West Ham have had a pretty decent season so far, despite the clamour of the fans for expensive signings as the only way to avoid certain relegation. Three victories and one undeserved defeat is pretty good going for the end of September. The Hammers have even lost two of their most talented youngsters to Watford and West Brom. No matter. We’ll also forget that opening day’s poor performance at home to Newcastle. One poor showing out of five with a squad untroubled by newcomers is good going for the opening month of the season.

The performance of the whole team was worthy of credit tonight, in particular the dominance in defence of Rice and Ogbonna. Masuaku was also in evidence throughout, with purposeful runs and mesmerising crosses, and Fabianski as the last line of defence was as reliable as always. Before he was injured early in the second half Fredericks, too, played one of his better games.

‘We worked so hard off the ball and were massively disciplined,’ said Bowen in his MotD interview after the game. This is the clue. The pioneers of pure football realised long ago that it’s as much about what players do when they don’t have the ball as what they do when they have it.

One thing I noticed in particular about this game from my position amidships was that whenever a West Ham move broke down, there always seemed to be a spare player to challenge for the loose ball. Bowen is right. This was no accident. These were good tactics and something for which Moyes and the team should receive credit.

There is now of course a ubiquity to Premier League football. There is no hiding your on field play from other teams and their tactics. Forget Frank Lampard’s spying mission for Derby. You can now spy on your future opponents in plain sight. Thanks to ‘The Covid’ all Premier League games are available to watch in their full ninety-odd minute glory. So what did West Ham learn from Wolves’ home humbling at the hands of Manchester City? And what did Leicester City learn about Manchester City from that game before they played them, and thrashed them, at the Etihad? We will see who knows more and who can employ that knowledge more effectively at the lunchtime game next Sunday.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Fabián Balbuena, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 26 Arthur Masuaku, 28 Tomas Soucek, 17 Jarrod Bowen, 18 Pablo Fornals, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 31 Ben Johnson, 16 Mark Noble, 22 Sébastien Haller

Scorers: 17 Jarron Bowen (2), 28 Tomas Soucek, 22 Sébastien Haller

BRACE YOURSELVES

West Ham 5 Hull City 1

Something is wrong. The teams are supposed to be announced to the hundred or so in the stadium half an hour before the game, but the team sheet is proving elusive. This is normally available well over an hour before kick off. The twitter sphere is getting anxious.

Finally the information begins to filter through. Issa Diop and Josh Cullen have tested positive for COVID-19 and will be replaced by Harrison Ashby and Jack Wilshere. The substitutes’ bench will be a player light and will feature two goalkeepers, Nathan Trott and David Martin. Before I can get working on the formation that Moyes will adopt, it becomes clear that Moyes is also not out there. The third one with a negative.

Andy Irvine is in charge this evening, one of Moyes’ management team who shares an Everton and Preston North End history, as well as Scottish nationality. He even has the same mop of silver hair becoming of a man in his sixties, though he’s five years older than Moyes.

West Ham have offered to pay for Hull City players to be tested prior to the game, but Hull have opted not to have the test. What must they be thinking at this point? Reece Burke (5) and Martin Samuelsen (14) are on the bench for them and Hammers have Snodgrass starting and Bowen on the bench from Hull in years gone by.

So it’s another game against a Division One opponent relegated from the Championship in July, but they did beat a fellow Yorkshire team Leeds United in the last round. West Ham already know they have Fleetwood Town or Everton next week away in the Fourth Round if they win tonight.

Despite all of this, West Ham confound the critics by beginning the game at a blistering pace. Anderson in particular starts a cut above the rest and produces one skidding shot just wide and another just over, both in the first four minutes. In the eleventh minute Harrison Ashby brings a ballooning clearance down on his right foot just outside the area and hits a shot with his left foot shot just over. A foot lower and I would challenge you to find a better West Ham goal on debut. He looks the part.

After a neat right-footed cross from Yarmolenko, Snodgrass slams the opener home in the eighteenth minute to calm the nerves. Yarmo B There then loses control of the ball in the six yard box on the half hour when it seemed easier to score. That left foot needs to share some of its finishing talent with the right one…

Hull seem to have very little to offer up front, and Alese and Ashby look more than comfortable at the back. Sébastien Haller gets a second for West Ham on the stroke of half-time, again from an excellent Yarmolenko assist, and it offers further breathing space in a performance that belies any trouble in the camp, though the naysayers on twitter are still chucking their rotating toys out of their respective perambulators.

No matter. Yarmo Be There now hits a third himself ten minutes into the second half after West Ham are awarded a penalty for a push on Haller, and Hammers have the 3-0 score line they recorded against Charlton, with over half an hour still to play.

Harrison Ashby then is involved in a collision on the halfway line and is stretchered off with a dislocated finger. I blame an overloaded enthusiasm in the youngster. We really can’t have West Ham players enjoying themselves on debut. Next thing we’ll be winning Premier League points… it’s strictly Ashby De La – Ouch!

Ashby’s replacement is Emmanuel Longelo, who is barely on the pitch for ninety seconds before he gets caught out in the area by Hull’s substitute striker Mallik Wilks who has also just come on and who pulls a goal back for the League One side with a nutmegging finish past Randolph. In amongst all of this is Jack Wilshere, playing a blinder in midfield, controlling the pace of the game and rolling back the years.

As if this wasn’t satisfactory enough, Haller with a neat dribble in the area and then Yarmolenko after an Anderson pass hit injury time breakaway strikes to give the score a 5-1 lustre, a satisfying result and performance that demonstrates how it can be done if you hit the attack button from the start.

Irvine will be in charge on Sunday if the game with Wolves goes ahead. It remains to be seen if four-goal hero Haller has done enough to feature in the starting XI this time.

35 Darren Randolph, 4 Fabian Balbuena (captain), 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 8 Felipe Anderson, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 11 Robert Snodgrass, 19 Jack Wilshere, 22 Sébastien Haller, 31 Ben Johnson, 42 Ajibola Alese, 50 Harrison Ashby

Substitute: 56 Emmanuel Longelo

Goalscorers: 11 Robert Snodgrass (18), 22 Sébastien Haller (45, 90+1), 7 Andriy Yarmolenko (56, 90+2)

MIRACLE AT THE EMIRATES – AGAIN

Arsenal 2 West Ham 1

This fixture last season was the last one West Ham played in front of a full house before lockdown. Without the twelfth man (usually complaining), Arsenal are not invincible. Put that alongside Declan Rice captaining the side in front of a back three, and the wide midfield… These were the thoughts in all Hammers’ fans heads as they watched from behind their sofas.

Willian has moved to Arsenal in the pre-season, but wore blue last weekend in their away strip win at Fulham. Right. Aaron Cresswell has become one of the side’s enfants terribles, having been pretty much ever present when fit since being signed from Ipswich Town back in the days of Upton Park. But tonight he is in a back three with Diop and 2020 Hammer of the Year runner up Angelo Ogbonna. A chance to reignite the flame of his popularity.

Tonight’s Sky Commentator Bill Drab has just referred to Tomas Sow-Check. Sow? FFS how long will it be before these clowns get his name right? Maybe a hat-trick at Anfield will do the trick.

Five minutes gone and Hammers have the first corner from which Cresswell finds the head of Rice who sets up Ogbonna but the header is straight at Bernd Leno. Cresswell has a free kick two minutes later and sets up Rice whose shot is deflected for a corner. It’s all Hammers in these first ten minutes, but my memory suggests that it is a match on repeat from the one in March.

‘It’s Soo-cek, you Goonish twat!’ I shout at the Sky summariser from behind my sofa. ‘Dubai is open – see you soon,’ it says on the advertising boards. Not if I see you first, I’m thinking.

Antonio hits in a powerful shot from wide on the right, which the keeper lowers himself delicately to his left to save. Hammers’ top scorer from last season is finally looking more like the BCD player of last July.

Cresswell is caught snoozing from a throw in to let Hector Bellerin in down the right on twenty minutes, but he’s rescued thanks to a superbly timed covering tackle by captain Rice.

Arsenal take the lead on 25 minutes in their first attack, from a Lacazette header, but the match is pulled back as Aubameyang, who hit in the cross, is just offside. VAR will cancel this, surely. Nope. Beyond belief. Another case of damned by technology. ‘Who do you thank when you have such luck?’ Elvis Presley once said. But it’s West Ham who are all shook up.

Arsenal: one attack in 25 minutes. One goal.

I’ve just read that Moyes has never won at Arsenal as a manager in 19 attempts. Why do they only reveal such stats when the side they refer to goes behind. Arsenal’s Gabriel is revealed to have handled in the area, but VAR comes up wanting. Again.

The Arsenal virtual crowd are in full song. God I hate Arsenal. Not exactly something to admit in the middle of supposedly neutral match report, but there it is. Super Slav’s West Ham won here in August 2015. Hard to believe that is five whole years’ ago.

Can you imagine being the live match operator in charge of crowd responses for behind closed doors games? I switch to channel two so I don’t have to listen to the fake Arsenal crowd. I’d rather hear the West Ham players swearing at the referee for his lousy decisions. That’s my kind of audio background.

Alan Smith is beginning to make me seethe, and not just because he is continuing to ‘Sow’ Soucek. But before I can send him an email entitled CORRECTION, West Ham bite back. Bowen finds Fredericks whose cross at speed is steered home by Antonio on the strike of half-time. Totally deserved. Have it.

Gabriel wrestles Antonio to the ground early in the second half to get West Ham a free kick. From the loose play Masuaku grabs the ball and beats three men before hitting a shot into the stands, a run that deserved a better finish.

Alan Smith talks about ‘positive passing’ by Arsenal, just as Saka is caught ten yards offside down the left channel. Masuaku now on the break hits in an evasive cross which Antonio only just fails to convert as Leno dives across his path.

It’s noticeable that Hammers to a man are playing well, with patience and with confidence, controlling the midfield. Some of that end of season control seems to have returned. ‘Difficult one to call now, this match,’ says Smith. Hurrah! The summariser’s got his neutral cap on again…

Cresswell now picks out Soucek at the far post but Bowen can’t get on the end of his headed assist. Another deep breath and I am emerging from behind the sofa once more. The hour is up, so will we shortly be seeing Haller come on to complete his Charlton Athletic hat-trick?

Xhaka steams in to challenge Soucek and both go down with a clash of heads, but it soon becomes clear that Soucek has come off worst. From the free kick Masuaku hits a cross in which Antonio heads against the bar with Leno beaten. Bill Drab declares it a great header by Sow-check, getting the pronunciation AND the player wrong… Impressive.

Arsenal haven’t been out of their own half now for nearly ten minutes, and Hammers again go close with Bowen’s shot blocked and then Soucek’s hit just wide. A look at the clock shows 72 minutes elapsed. Arsenal will probably be pleased with a point after all this.

The second half attempts indicate that West Ham have had eight to Arsenal’s one. The match is still there to be won for the Hammers. Masuaku wins a towering header. Who said Cresswell and Masuaku couldn’t play in the same eleven?

No sign of Haller but Lacazette is substituted for Nketiah. Arsenal have a rare corner. Then another. This is why I hate it when West Ham play well against a top six side. They can still succumb to the sucker punch… But not this time.

Looks like Yarmolenko is coming on for his late winner routine. Ten minutes left. It would be an unexpected and pleasing point, but we should really have secured all three. Arsenal have only been able to hit Hammers on the break, and they are the home side, I have to keep reminding myself. Bowen is off, and has played well.

Fredericks hits a beautifully delicate cross to the far post but it’s almost too beautiful, and evades both Yarmolenko and Soucek.

Then the beyond belief moment and Ceballos picks out Nketiah and – how has that happened? Arsenal have been absolutely thrashed to within an inch of their lives in this half and are AHEAD – HOW THE STENCH DID THAT HAPPEN?

Now. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The BS that we have to take as West Ham fans, this is it. Absolute unparalleled BS. We have completely dominated this game and have lost it, and will have to be satisfied with knowing that we deserved to win it and were flipped by VAR and a feeble goal – again. But this time, just like the last time, we will know we were the better side. And that it counted for nothing.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 23 Issa Diop, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 24 Ryan Fredericks, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 26 Arthur Masuaku, 28 Tomas Soucek, 17 Jarrod Bowen, 18 Pablo Fornals, 30 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 7 Andriy Yarmolenko, 8 Felipe Anderson, 22 Sebastien Haller

Goalscorer: 30 Michail Antonio