Match reports 2023/24

MAKING THE MOST OF MOYES

Manchester City 3 West Ham 1

23 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 19 Edson Álvarez, 18 Danny Ings, 40 George Earthy

Goalscorer: Mohammed Kudus

BEYOND THE CLUTCHES OF THE PAYWALL

West Ham 3 Luton Town 1

The nature of West Ham’s drubbing last weekend at Stamford Bridge leads David Sullivan to reveal the news and worst ever kept West Ham secret prematurely: at the end of the season, no one will be interested in buying any of the players West Ham are desperate to offload, including Lucas Paquetá. Oh, and David Moyes’ contract is not being renewed.

This is the day that chronicles the end of something. Or is it the beginning of something? Or the continuation of a beautiful story? Only time will tell, and certainly by the end of 2024 we will know what West Ham United team we must settle for or fight to change.

Since John Lyall, only Harry Redknapp has been manager of West Ham for a period longer than David Moyes. This makes Moyes a modern 21st century managerial legend, the title conferred on him by fans upon the winning of the Europa Conference League in June 2023 in his third full season. Another 21st century managerial legend, Leicester City’s Claudio Ranieri, also left his club the year following his remarkable title winning season of 2015-16. Once fans acquire a taste for success from an unexpected achievement, time on the manager’s stay begins to tick very loudly. Moyes will not now manage a West Ham side aspiring for European football. The idea of such a side, even with a stadium that can hold 63,000 people, looked a little far-fetched in late 2019, with Hammers facing relegation. By May 2024 there is disappointment that Europe is out of reach, at least for the forthcoming season. Be careful what you fish for.

Rob Edwards is the kind of manager every fan reveres. Focused, intelligent, in touch with his emotions, not given to hysteria. But facing relegation if Luton don’t win today. Still, he looks calm. He built his team with £20m pounds. That’s Lucas Paquetá’s left arm minus the tattoos. Still, he looks calm.

And we’re away for David Moyes’ last game in charge at London Stadium. This team he built still look as capable of beating anyone as they are of conceding three goals in ten minutes. Look at them. Antonio, a man who grew from a decent wing back and striker into one of the best hold up play and powerful finishers. Always in the position to miss chances, but there to score a few too. Then Jarrod Bowen. A revelation, signing for West Ham in January 2020, Moyes’ moment of genius, even then costing two million pounds more than this Luton side. Now he is Hammer of the Year with 20 goals in over 200 appearances. Scorer of the winner in Prague less than a year ago.

And Mohammed Kudus. A steal from Ajax’s fire sale, still blossoming in London in this team, and scorer of the goal of the season in the 5-0 win v SC Freiburg. Who most embodies what Moyes has been all about? Yes, August 2021, the man signed to step into Mark Noble’s size tens, Kurt Zouma. The cat kicker. The joker. A man who everyone says doesn’t captain the side properly. Doesn’t encourage other players in the side. But hang on. Didn’t he follow in the footsteps of Billy Bonds and Bobby Moore, captaining the side to a major European trophy? Their first in nearly half a century? Yes, that one. The new guy may replace him with a signing of his own, someone who can be part of the new narrative. But Zouma, that’s David Moyes, that is.

And the midfield signing who ekes Moyes? Of course, the loanee from Slavia Prague in January 2020, signing permanently six months later after helping us avoid relegation, Tomas Souček. He has been there for the whole ride, costing just £14m, plus the £5m loan fee. That’s less than this Luton side, but no one speaks Moyes more than this man. Tenacious, good in the air, quick-footed, as good off the ball as he is on it, and returning to his home country three years after making the move permanent to carry off that trophy. The spinning top goal celebration… The potato salad! Then his Slavia Prague sidekick, Vladimir Coufal, signing for less than £5.5m just three months after Souček tied the football knot. Bargain doesn’t cut it. This was an absolute gift, possibly the final piece of the jigsaw. A goal-maker and a tackler, pugnacious, determined, tough as old boots. A little bit like… well, many have said it. I don’t like to say the words but we all know who I’m talking about. And this man, well he’s run through brick walls for West Ham, too, in his time here.

Of course, without Paquetá or Emerson, there is no trophy. But you rarely see them over with the away fans after we’ve lost. And that’s where it counts. And they are Steidten men, both signed in August 2022. Emerson, an Italian who played for Santos as a boy, finally preferring the niche of Rome to the streets of São Paolo. But a last minute addition to that final side who played his heart out that night. And that pass from Paquetá. It can’t be ignored. But neither screams ‘Moyes’ to me.

Areola? He’s finally stolen the number one shirt from Fabianski. And how do we feel about that? Well, it was Moyes’ choice, signing him permanently from PSG after a season on loan, but for me there’s barely a fag paper between them on paper. Areola has always been the showman, and his save at Lyon after twenty minutes was voted the save of the 2022 Europa League tournament. When West Ham ran out 3-0 winners on the night, possibly our best European away performance under Moyes, I never lost sight of how important that early saves proved to be. Areola was also between the sticks for what was probably Moyes’ most memorable PL away victory, at the Emirates, in December 2023. Goalkeepers are always a key part of any team’s success. Ask Manuel Pellegrini and Roberto, the Spanish goalkeeper he signed in June 2019. You remember. Six months before David Moyes returned to West Ham to clear up the mess.

Then there were the senior players who continued to thrive under Moyes: Cresswell and Ogbonna to name but two, and two who will follow the boss out of the door next week. But the central defender who confounded the critics and Watford and West Brom, who’d only ever seen him as a squad player. I am talking, of course, about Ballon D’Orson, Craig Dawson to you and me, signed on loan – as a squad player – in October 2020. He stepped in to provide cover and became one of the finest centre backs we have ever had, also scoring key goals at key times. Remember the goal at Lyon? Yeah, me too. West Ham signed him permanently at the end of the season. He left nearly three years later, his legendary status assured. He has since become a legend at Wolverhampton Wanderers. That’s four teams all beginning with the letter ‘W’. Weird. Craig, as George Michael so beautifully put it, you have been loved.

I started my own blog ‘Our Days Are Few’ from my book of the same name about a life supporting West Ham, enthused by the form under Moyes, as well as the abundance of time The Covid offered for writing it all up. And the chance to still be at all of the games, behind the PA mike, and to park in front of the Stadium Store before heading down the steps to my new Covid seat in the disabled seat section above the dugout. You’re reading the fourth season of that.

West Ham Clips is one of the non-playing elements of the Moyes’ period that no one should forget. The computer voice with no name who chronicled no crowd audio games with dramatic drums, cat yelps and  other sound effects grafted onto the backdrop of the action. He was aided in his enterprise by Fillipo the Mediterranean summariser, Rita Paulton, the VAR expert, Brenda from Bristol and, of course Jesus, always around to put his ecclesiastical stamp on the key points in each game. Managed by the Tartan Diego, Clips’ Hammers team simultaneously spent all of their playing time trying to accumulate the necessary 40 points for Premier League survival as well as chasing the treble, or the quadruple, or some European trophy, until they weren’t. I was fascinated to see Declan Rice and the other players watching the latest Clips commentaries on their phones before home matches. It was an absolutely crazy time.

Then there are the European heroes who left the Moyes set-up: Fornals, Benrahma, Kehrer, Scamacca and Haller, all seemingly doing better since their departures. For me, Fornals was the best of them, his signature salute at the corner flag after scoring, he was of course a Pellegrini signing, and it was only right that he should rejoin the Chilean at Real Betis. I also liked Thilo Kehrer, and he’d be right with hindsight to be disappointed that he was rarely played in his correct position. Should any of them have been kept on? Hard to say. Some of the loanees still might return if Julen Lopetegui feels he has a place for them. Moyes always liked a small squad, something which was probably incompatible with a 50 game season.

How many of those Moyes’ players that are left will be let go? How many will not feature in the future plans of Lopetegui? We will soon see. It has to be accepted that David Moyes was the first West Ham UnIted manager who made the London Stadium a place that fans looked forward to visiting. A place where for the first time a 63,000 crowd sounded like it had on Super Saturday at the 2012 Olympics. Will Lopetegui manage to level up the decibels? Watch this space.

For now it’s the last home match of 2023-24, and Luton Town are providing the opposition. And they set about West Ham as promptly and confidently as a hatful of other teams have done in 2024, the fascinatingly named Albert Sambi Lokonga heading home Alfie Doughty’s teasing cross from the left after just six minutes. And that was the only goal in the first half, though Luton could well have got more. Were West Ham already on the beach, or was there something more sinister at play? (ie. Luton Town being the better side?)

Moyesie has obviously said something at half time, because the kids come out of the traps at breakneck speed. Or Luton make it look like that. And it isn’t long before they are level, Ward-Prowse firing home into the bottom corner after a goalmouth pressure melee. It’s always great to see him zoom off to the corner flag for his trademark ‘gold swing’ celebration, then remember that this is Southampton territory and revert to the first thing he can think of. That’s why we have got to calling his goal celebrations the ‘schizophrenic salute.’

Another celebration worthy of mention (I’ve already mentioned it once in this report) is Souček’s spinning top, which he is doing just eleven minutes later after a left foot volley from the edge of the area flies past namesake Thomas Kaminski into the corner of the net. And, yes, another eleven minutes later, supersub George Earthy, who has only been on the pitch for 55 seconds, slots home a punctuation to another Kudus mazy run and it’s 3-1 and relative safety. The star of last season’s FA Youth Cup win over Arsenal at the Emirates has now entered the domain of West Ham goalscorers. It is great to see his two greatest fans, Lucas Paquetá and (after the game) Nayef Aguerd make a total fuss over him. Edson Álvarez has already put him in hospital by accident, so he seems to be getting to know our international stars very quickly.

Poor Luton Town are more or less down as they are still eleven goals behind the goal difference of Nottingham Forest, one place above them, with one game to go.

The last home match of the season celebrations at the end salute the Moyesiah in a sporting send off from the home supporters, and most of the fans around the ground begin to debate just who they might be seeing for the last time at London Stadium, apart from the gaffer.

So how does that rate, historically, as a season in West Ham’s history? Another European adventure, with no shame at being eliminated by the form team in Europe. One of the few teams to have won at the Emirates, the breaking of the Brighton and the Brentford PL holds over the club, and Jarrod Bowen at 20 goals, equalling Di Canio’s 16 PL strikes from way back then. Another top scoring achievement and this season’s Hammer of the Year.

23 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna,, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 3 Aaron Cresswell, 18 Danny Ings, 40 George Earthy

Goalscorers: James Ward-Prowse, Tomas Souček, George Earthy

A FEW FROM THE BRIDGE

Chelsea 5 West Ham 0

If you’ve ever seen your season leaving you like a train out of a station, the destination barely visible as the last carriage pulls off into the tunnel and beyond, headed fuck knows where… Well that’s what it feels like for West Ham at the moment.

Three years of absolute joy, trips to Europe and regular deserved victories against the top six sides at London Stadium, it has been a blast. And now, this…

‘Slaven Bilic has been sacked as West Ham manager with former Everton and Manchester United boss David Moyes set to replace him on an interim basis. Bilic, 49, departs with the club in the Premier League relegation zone.’

That was Monday 6th November 2017, with Bilic barely four months into his move to London Stadium, and a set of results the polar opposite to those he had managed to achieve with his positive football in the final season at Upton Park. Hammers’ fans sighed when they saw the ‘cheap’ option David’s’ Gold and Sullivan had dreamed up for them with ‘the third David,’ Moyes, set to join them on a six month ‘survival’ contract…’

This afternoon, nearly seven years later, his team are the same team that lost 5-2 at Crystal Palace a fortnight ago, with one exception, Edson Álvarez, West Ham’s magical Mexican midfielder who now has his own song. ED-SON!

West Ham start well in the first ten minutes, on the front foot, Kudus and Bowen showing expression and intent. And then Cole Palmer, the Manchester City want away, slams the loose ball into the net on the quarter hour, for his 21st goal of the season, in the Blues’ first attack. You can stick the blue flag up your arse. But it wouldn’t be the flag, really, would it? I know this might be the wrong time to get ‘quite literally’ about a football chant, but it would have to be the flagpole that you stuck up your arse, if it came down to it, not the flag. Though I accept that a bit of the flag might get in there, too.

Within three minutes Bowen is up at the other end to smash a powerful header against the bar. That would have been HIS 21st of the season. Yes, you know where this game is headed. Or at least I do. That’s the me that has just walked a mile through a cemetery to get here, as the London Undergound isn’t serving Fulham Broadway today. That’s the me who barely raises an eyebrow as Gallagher smashes in a second just a quarter of an hour later. FFS.

Now it just gets silly as Madueke taps in a third just six minutes later, and then Bowen manages his second effort off the bar before the first half is whistled away. Piece of shit.

Wasn’t David Moyes one of those managers who prided himself on his team’s defensive displays? Because no sooner are they out for the second half, than Madueke has selflessly set up Nicolas Jackson for Chelsea’s fourth. Jesus H. Christ on an electric scooter. Now Bowen completes his perfect hat-trick of efforts against the woodwork, and then sees a free-kick effort well saved by Pétrovic.

I look round to see a shitload of empty seats behind me. Collective noun? Four car park spaces of empty seats. The fans have slipped out silently while I was gawping like a fish. And now Caicedo slips Jackson in for his second and Chelsea’s fifth.

At the end of the game Cresswell, Ings, Ward Prowse, Souček, Coufal, Bowen and Ogbonna come over to applaud the few remaining suffering away fans. Paquetá and Emerson are already on the coach, and Areola, Antonio, Kudus and Zouma close behind them after half-hearted one hand clapping attempts on their walks off.

We hear later that Álvarez has had another ‘sick note sulk’ at half-time, repeating his cameo in the home game v Arsenal. Their ‘efforts’ will be remembered. Just what is happening? At least it’ll them busy appointing a replacement this week. Even Sully won’t be able to wait any longer. I know I can’t.

23 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna,, 19 Edson Álvarez, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 7 James Ward-Prowse, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 18 Danny Ings

Goal scorers: You’re having a laugh, obvs.

JURGEN SCHMÜRGEN

West Ham 2 Liverpool 2

Neither side will be happy with less than a win from today’s early kick off, which in my book always means you have a score draw ahead of you.

There are just a couple of changes from the Palace game, with Areola and Bowen returning to the starting line-up, replacing Fabianski and Ward-Prowse.

The first fifteen minutes offer the kind of fare that could easily have been snatched from a restaurant table in Lanzarotti. Paquetá has distanced himself profoundly from those mid-season performances that had Guardiola and half of Europe drooling. Instead of bankrolling a couple of young hopefuls, his sale may pay for a juke box in the foyer at the stadium.

There is something missing in the Liverpool side, who seem in the first twenty minutes to have lost any interest in ‘winning,’ after their early shout for a penalty is correctly overturned by VAR, as Luis Diaz is shown to have been offside. They otherwise seem somehow burned out. Perhaps it is that syndrome where overpaid sportsmen lose interest in performing when they don’t have a future to consider, or at least not one that includes Jurgen Klopp.

The game kicks into life when a quick corner from Kudus is headed home by Jarrod Bowen, equalling Di Canio’s PL goal tally of 16 from 1999-2000, and reaching twenty for the season. It is also his 200th appearance for the Hammers. Legend. West Ham go in at half-time with the lead.

The second half begins badly for the Hammers with Liverpool responding to some half-time instruction that sees Andy Robinson rifling in a shot that Areola seems to see too late, failing to get down quickly enough to stop its trajectory into the corner of the net.

Fifteen minutes later Gaklo’s speculative shot pinballs its way fortuitously into the back of the West Ham net, finally via Areola after Souček’s deflection. Liverpool have got their mojo back and have turned it around, the bastards.

But there is something about the Moyes legacy that can still kick out a free leg now and again, and Hammers hang on in the game to prevent a Liverpool third.

Eventually the moment comes, and Bowen with a sweet cross from the right over the Liverpool’s defence finds the head of Antonio (‘Bring me the head of ‘Michail Antonio!’) and Hammers are level. Take that! you second class Liverpool imposters!

The Reds make three late changes, one of which, as Klopp brings on Mo Salah, leads to an unsavoury spat between the Egyptian and his departing German boss. Would an Egyptian handbag be preferable to a German one? At least you could barter for it. In any event, Klopp has the last laugh as Salah plays without direction and Liverpool end up having to respect the point.

Klopp crams his post match presser with some frightening bullschitt about how Liverpool were the only team who were ever going to win the game. It makes me relieved to have resisted my nostalgic pang to attend it as it was his last visit to London Stadium as Liverpool manager. He shows himself in the final analysis to be like any other departing manager. A little schadenfreude, some bitterness and a mighty helping of grandiose self-interest. Klopp has had his wings klipped. All that is left for West Ham now is to see off the David Moyes legacy. With three challenging games left, who would confidently predict how many points West Ham can pick up to avoid dropping out of the top half of the table before the season ends?

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edson Álvarez, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 7 James Ward-Prowse

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen, Michail Antonio

A TOWN CALLED PALACE

Crystal Palace 5 West Ham 2

Crystal Palace have occupied 14th or 15th position in the Premier League since 6th December 2023. It’s consistency, if nothing else, though whether it makes for a season to remember depends on your point of view.

West Ham have covered positions from fifth to ninth all season, and despite elimination from Europe and managing to only win one league match at home in the whole year, Moyes has kept the Hammers in the top half of the table.

Quite why Jarrod Bowen isn’t around this afternoon as the teams come out at Selhurst Park is anyone’s guess, but it still looks like a game that Hammers can make a mark in. Even the absence of Mavropanos seems a hill that can be climbed. Prospective replacement managers have been surfing the Hammerati all week, but it’s still hard to imagine the kind of person who might follow Moyes into the London Stadium changing room. And Mark Noble hasn’t been in the dugout or socially very visible around the club in the last couple of months either.

Palace returned from Anfield last weekend with three points, but they’ve often bothered the big clubs on the road; this one is in their own back yard. Yet within eight troubled minutes, first Olise, then Eze with a sublime overhead and finally an own goal by Emerson, after a mix-up with Fabianski, see off the fate of the game over the first 20 minutes.

Jean-Phillipe Mateta hits a fourth ten minutes later, but Hammers are fingering the turds by now, or going through the motions, if you prefer. Antonio bundles one in before the half-time whistle, but it looks like frosty stares in the changing-room at half-time.

So what happened? Paquetá looks completely spent, and Emerson is mentally barely on the pitch. Ogbonna and Souček are sacrificed for Johnson and Cresswell at the beginning of the second half, but Mateta scores an Eze-made second and Palace’s fourth just after the hour. To think that there are still four games to play after this one, and you can perhaps see why Hammers fans are mentally leaving the season even before Dean Henderson hilariously messes up Tyrick Mitchell’s innocent-enough back pass in the last minute to cut Palace’s advantage to just three.

This was as forgettable an afternoon as West Ham have managed to fashion since the 6-0 reverse against Arsenal a few weeks back. Let’s hope that’s it for the season, though few of the faithfuls are holding their breath.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 19 Edson Álvarez, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 17 Maxwel Cornet

Goalscorers: Michail Antonio, own goal

BAYER END MOYES’ EUROPEAN ADVENTURE

West Ham 1 Bayer 04 Leverkusen 1

Jarrod Bowen returns tonight, an absolute essential part of West Ham’s assault on Leverkusen’s two goal advantage from the first leg. The inclusion of Koussouno in Alonso’s starting XI demonstrates his anticipation of the early attacking intentions of the home opposition. This is probably Hammers’ biggest challenge since their European adventure began, back in August 2021. How will they fare?

Hammers play the high line from the very start, but it’s Leverkusen who have the first shot, Tella hitting a drive that birthday boy Fabianski turns acrobatically round the post. But by the thirteenth minute West Ham are ahead, Antonio rising with ease against Koussouno to head Bowen’s curling cross past Kovár. Within a couple of minutes, Kudus’ cross gives Bowen a clear shot at the keeper from ten yards, but Kovár somehow blocks the shot with his legs.

Billy McKinlay on the West Ham bench gets a red card after rowing with the officials after an unexpected litany of bizarre decisions, but Hammers still continue to bombard the Germans with crosses and shots. Despite their best efforts, the Bayer defence holds firm and gets to the break with their one goal advantage in the tie preserved.

The diffference between the managers tonight hints at why this is likely to be David Moyes’ last season at London Stadium. Recognising that West Ham were holding his team at 0-0 towards the end of the first leg, Alonso introduced Hofmann and Boniface, and their presence provided the two goals that decided last Thursday’s fixture.

Moyes has seemed reluctant to use the bench this season, possibly because it is weak, though probably because he has not rotated his squad successfully enough to meet the challenges of the suspensions and injuries that come to every club. Compare the Hofmann and Boniface substitutions to those of Hammers on the night of the first leg, the introduction of Aguerd and Johnson in the 86th minute offering too little too late.

The second half tonight offers further illustration of Alonso’s slick man management across his well-rotated squad, were it to be needed. He brings on Boniface and Frimpong for Schick and Tella, confident that they can provide something in the tie to snuff out West Ham’s attacking threat.

Benrama and Fornals were both impact players who could change a game; think Ghenk away, and Alkmaar in last season’s conference league semi-final second leg. Unfortunately they have been sent packing, and the likes of Cornet, Ings and Johnson are hardly likely to be of serious concern to the opposition, no matter how successful they might have been historically as footballers.

Even if they were to be successful tonight, Moyes doesn’t bring them on until the 84th minute, and five minutes later it is actually the German substitute Frimpong who puts the ball past Fabianski for the tie-deciding equalising goal, albeit after a cruel and ridiculous deflection off Cresswell. West Ham’s only really decent chance in the whole half comes when Bowen robs Hincapié just on the edge of the six yard box only to put his shot across the goal with just Kovár to beat.

Alonso’s ploy has worked a treat. Leverkusen have enjoyed possession across the half for the first time in the game. Without the ball, which they had so much of in the first half, West Ham’s frustration play and confetti of yellow cards mean there is only ever going to be one winner in the tie. Yes, it would still have been a decent consolation for Hammers to be the first team to beat Leverkusen this season, but Alonso’s management master class ensures that even that pyrrhic victory is not possible.

With elimination from Europe, and qualification for it next year now looking unlikely, all that is left to do is to ponder the Moyes’ era and what it has all meant to those of us who follow West Ham United.

‘@WestHamClips’ left us at the height of our powers, champions of Europe, at the top of his bizarre match reporting game and his three seasons of unbridled video genius, all attempts to comprehend the inexplicable success of Moyes. This season we have somehow functioned without Clips and his brand disposition, which rubbed off so deliciously and unexpectedly on the Hammerati, fostering a natural self-deprecating social media humour. This is a humour that is coldly absent from the followers of Spurs, Arsenal and Manchester United, all clubs obscenely swollen with their hilarious degree of righteous indignation. The three of them are, let’s face it, just dull teams steeped in a repetitively delusional world of unmerited entitlement. That all provides a perfect target for the Hammerati, strengthened by the fact that their own side is now competing a bit with success in Europe.

I started this blog when David Moyes began his second stint at West Ham, partly fuelled by the perceived inertia that Covid brought to our lives, partly fuelled by my vocational retirement and partly by my love of football and the community spirit that it encourages in fans. Of course we now live in a world where it sometimes seems passé. These last four seasons have thankfully proved that the spirit of community is not quite dead yet. Perhaps football and the decency and friendship that lurks somewhere in every person will bring it all back.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 27 Nayer Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 19 Edson Álvarez, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 2 Ben Johnson, 17 Maxwel Cornet

Goalscorer: Michail Antonio

WEST HAM NEVER DO THINGS EASY

West Ham 0 Fulham 2

Results have combined unexpectedly to open a small door of opportunity for the Hammers to climb to 6th position in the Premier League. This, of course, is also therefore a prompt for Moyes to think long and hard about the ensuing return Europa League game against Bayer 04 Leverkusen on Thursday. Jarrod Bowen still has issues with his knee injury against Wolves last weekend, Mavropanos is nursing an injury and though they can play today, Paquetá and Emerson will be missing on Thursday thanks to bookings sustained out in Germany.

When the team is announced there are a few audible sighs from the crowd, in particular the revelation of Danny Ings starting, playing in the hole behind Antonio, one imagines. But then you don’t know who looks great on the training ground. Fulham have never won at London Stadium, and have to trail back 23 years for the last time they won an away league game at West Ham, at Upton Park in 2001.

And yet no one is really interested in this game. Not even the players. Which is clearly absurd, bearing in mind how the league is bending over backwards to accommodate West Ham in their goal of accessing their fourth successive season in Europe. Elimination from the Europa League this Thursday and qualifying for it next season courtesy of achieving sixth position might be preferable to struggling in the Champions League next year.

But the first few minutes of the game still go well as the Hammers create three real chances, first Antonio blazing over from under the bar after a brilliant run from Coufal, then Kudus firing just over after a mazy run, and finally a header across goal by Aguerd that is inches from finding its target.

Then, in the ninth minute, Fulham score with their first attack of the game. And what a terrible goal is is. Mavropanos (who probably shouldn’t be playing) stretches for the long ball passing over his head, and Aguerd, who has lost Pereira, is caught flat-footed from the pass, leaving the Fulham man with a simple tap in. Whether it is the brutalist slam dunk or the against the run of play sucker punch simplicity of the strike, it sucks everything positive out of the Hammers, and they limp on towards half time like a band of marauding punch drunk fighters.

There is still, somewhere back in the faltering imagination of the weary fans, a hope that there may be something left to salvage from this match. But as the second half gets underway, it’s already feeling like a lot of other home games this season. Plenty of potential versus fuck all on the finishing side.

Paquetá knows he’s not playing on Thursday, so it looks as though he feels he might as well start not playing this afternoon. Why wait? Emerson seems to have disappeared, though he is there on the pitch when I look for him. Aguerd seems content to play little one-twos with Mavropanos before passing back to Fabianski. I may not have mentioned that Fabianski, West Ham’s captain this afternoon, has already made three excellent saves, towards the end of the first half.

Paquetá, though he appears to have downed tools, is still at the centre of most of the moves, usually the last man standing before the ball is given away to the opposition. Álvarez is back, but seems confused by his role in the team, oscillating between defending facing his own goal, and playing midfield maestro, whilst still facing his own goal.

Then the killer winner, begun again from a joint dereliction of duty in the middle of the park, and after Awobi is allowed to wander unmarked down the right, his pass across the area finds Pereira who hits his second past Fabianski. There is little to enjoy about the game for West Ham fans, but the players are spared a booing farewell when late in the game substitute Earthy, on for just a few minutes, suffers a sickening late injury that sees him laid out and driven off the playing area with breathing apparatus trailed over his expressionless face. Hammers fans look on, their concerns for now occupying a different arena to those they came to the ground to pursue. The Fulham fans seem oblivious to events on the field, for which they will be serially lambasted later on social media.

On my way back to the station, an old timer with his eyes also on Thursday’s gold, remarks to his friend, ‘West Ham never do things easy.’ I think about Moyes and how so far, throughout his time at West Ham, he has always managed to drag victory out of the fire just when his career here has looked over. You are left concluding that he may have left it a little too late to save it this time.

1 Lucasz Fabianski (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 27 Nayef Aguerd , 7 James Ward-Prowse, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 19 Edson Álvarez, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 18 Danny Ings

Substitutes: 2 Ben Johnson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 28 Tomas Souček, 40 George Earthy

ALCOHOL TEST FOR WEST HAM

Bayer 04 Leverkusen 2 West Ham 0

Tonight’s game offers some new managerial challenges for Moyes, which he’s met, unsurprisingly, by playing Emerson as a wing back in front of Aaron Cresswell. Will West Ham manage to handle the 40 game unbeaten stride of Alonsa’s stylish Leverkusen side?

There is a general story travelling around town about an ‘Alcohol Test’ that fans may have to take at the stadium before the game. Specific questions have been suggested in preparation.

What is the fermentation process for beer?
How is whisky stored?
At what temperature does the sugar turn to alcohol?

I am ready to offer myself as a qualified invigilator for the test if needed.
Once fans have taken the test there will be pilsner and wine inside the ground on sale to away supporters. My imagination is conjuring up a picture of mulled wine left over from Christmas and served by Leverkusen staff in Santa Claus garb.

The walk to the ground is about a mile through a park, not unlike the small forest on the edge of town that fans had to traverse a couple of seasons ago before the game against Eintracht Frankfurt. The local police are less tooled up than their Frankfurt counterparts and banter cheerfully with the Hammers faithful, after the slowest train ride ever known. They probably know what’s about to happen on the pitch.

Bayer are awarded a free kick after just two minutes which Coufal defends expertly under pressure from Edmond Tapsoba, who clashes heads with him for his troubles. The game will be full of this. The referee is the same Portuguese official who was in charge of Brazil’s recent 1-0 victory in a friendly at Wembley. If he has to have a word in his ear, at least he’ll understand him, even if he doesn’t agree.

An early shot by Stanišić is flicked on by Patrick Schik, but Fabianski goes down well to smother the deflected effort. Antonio then breaks free at pace and feeds Kudus, but his effort is weak and straight at the keeper Kovár. Still, a shot on the board, and the best chance yet for either side.

The ground is similarly sized to that of Freiburg, all red and black, with an equally energised crowd. Leverkusen have their first corner on 15 minutes but it is short and wasted. Hammers are well drilled and deal with the early pressure in reasonable comfort. That is, at least, until Paquetá gets booked in the 21st minute for some unnecessary afters. Well at least he can play without fear now. He’s out of the tournament, unless Hammers win this two-legged tie.

Leverkusen put a corner count score up on the main screen as if representing some sense of moral advantage. There is a gasp from the West Ham supporters, who clearly are unfamiliar with the term ‘Ecken’. The disappointment of the Paquetá card quietens the Hammers’ fans for a few moments, but the team still look compact and organised. A replay creeps onto the screen in the press lounge after a Leverkusen attack, revealing a covert sneaky handball that Coufal has got away with. No one appealed and it escapes the eyes of the VAR experts if not the TV match director.

Another long range but precise show from Tapsoba is superbly saved by the gloved fingertips of Fabianski. 35 minutes up and the teams are still level. At this point it does look as though Moyes may have measured this correctly. West Ham’s first corner on 37 minutes, but Mavropanos’ header just finds a defender’s chest back to Kovár.

A minute later, another corner. Zouma is pulled to the ground, but there is mysteriously not even a mild inquest about the challenge. Is anyone staffing the VAR feed? That’s two penalties that should have been awarded.

The first ten minutes of the second half see a yellow for Emerson which puts him out of the second leg, too. Both absences would be covered by the return of Bowen and Álvarez, so there’s that, but again a disappointment settles over the Hammers’ fans for a few more minutes. These two still have half an hour to contribute to what could be a superb away result.

Paquetá incurs the whistling wrath of the home fans each time he touches the ball, the greatest compliment. It’s Leverkusen who make the first substitutes, Tella replacing Frimpong and Hincapie replacing Stanišić. Tapsoba gets away with another foul on Antonio, after Coufal is temporarily knocked over blocking a cross from a couple of yards. Now Fabianski makes the save of the game from Shick’s smart header, tipping it over from just a couple of yards out.

Hammers control the advancing Leverkusen attack, and break with Kudus but Paquetá is unable to make the final necessary link to make the breakaway count, before a Xhaka shot is hit narrowly wide.

Now a couple more substitutes from Leverkusen, Schick is off for Boniface and Adil for Hofmann. What an honour for West Ham that they’ve seen off the Leverkusen striker. Still the Germans push forward. Still West Ham keep them at bay. Fabianski makes a superb save from Hofmann after he beats the offside trap. There are less than ten scheduled minutes left.

Leverkusen have a corner on 81 minutes, and now Hofmann’s hopeful first time volley from the edge of the area finds its way through the crowd of defenders past the unsighted Fabianski. This is the side with a legendary reputation for striking late in a game. Aguerd and Johnson come on for Mavropanos and Kudus. Just a few minutes to hold on to restrict Leverkusen to a narrow one goal lead for the second leg.

Aguerd and Souček (twice) now make brilliant blocks to keep out powerful shots from inside the area. Now, as the three minutes extra time are signalled, substitute Boniface swivels his neck and heads Hofmann’s inch perfect cross past Fabianski. It is a sickeningly brilliant header that perhaps flatters the German side after West Ham’s brave rearguard action.

For all his flicks and through balls, there are times when Paquetá is a player West Ham are carrying. His skill and subtlety are undermined by childish antics when he perceives himself as not protected by referees. Perhaps he has been found out in terms of temperament. There were barely twenty minutes on the clock before he was booked. He lost the ball in midfield on many occasions when balance and control were needed. The histrionics and outrage can seem tiresome to referees keen to show who is the real boss. Without discipline, a player can soon become a liability. Tonight there were times when Paqueta has been just that. If Guardiola is watching, he will be having second thoughts.

As West Ham’s weakest performer on the night, having the talisman out of the side at London Stadium might not be the disadvantage the West Ham faithful would otherwise consider it, and this might not be the last Hammers European adventure of this sequence, whatever it feels like at this moment.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 2 Ben Johnson, 27 Nayef Aguerd

VAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD

Wolverhampton Wanderers 1 West Ham 2

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 19 Edson Álvarez, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell

Goalscorers: Lucas Paquetá (73), James Ward-Prowse (84)

ONCE AGAIN, WITH FANS

SC Freiburg 1 West Ham 0

Pablo Fornals and Thilo Kehrer have dropped off the squad list since being in the starting XI for the group game in Germany between these clubs five months ago in early October 2023. Tonight their starting places are taken by Kurt Zouma and Emerson, both scorers or crucial goals in the last two matches against Everton and Brentford.

Tonight is about avoiding a ninety-minute elimination, and preserving the route to the last eight by the time next week’s return match is over. For that, as we have seen previously, even a single goal defeat does not take significant steps towards settling the tie, though tonight Hammers will skurely be disappointed with anything less than a draw.

The weather is the main difference for this outing, the cloudy and damp conditions identical to those at home. Hammers fans are in good spirits and have had a relatively quiet couple of days in the town, their number marginally compromised by a strike at Frankfurt airport. Car hire firms have been overwhelmed by desperate fans grabbing a last minute rental car to take on the impossibly gruelling autobahn hike across Germany. Thankfully a local start time of 9pm means they still have half a chance of making it.

I contemplate for a moment the dark possibility that this could be West Ham’s last foray into a European stadium for many years. I casually dismiss the thought as one of yesterday’s disbelievers. This team had been built by the Moyesiah and his mighty back room bravados. This brave bunch names amongst their jewellery the Paquetá, the Mavropanos, the Álvarez and golden boot finisher Bowen, not to mention the sturdy gloves of Areola, whose save v Lyon in the away tie two seasons back, set up a superb 3-0 victory there. There will be more European adventures in 2024!

Except we start with Fabianski tonight, his selection fashioned in the modern world of rotation. I look out at the team as they assemble for the first XI photograph on the pitch. The German crowd, not as boisterous as the Frankfurt ultras, are still a noise with their pre-match chants and fervent flag waving. The atmosphere is electric and warns of the powerful challenge ahead. The club have a sketchy history in this competition, and will be looking to extend their tenure towards the Dublin final in May.

I watched Freiburg battle out a 2-2 draw with Bayern Munich last Friday, a game that they might ordinarily shave been expected to lose as a matter of routine. Was it the distant Ruropean lights that kept their play alive until the 87th minute when they deservedly secured an unexpected Bundesliga point?

The match is underway and the caution on each side is palpable. One of the few teams that can play this cautious approach successfully are Manchester City. All others that aspire tend to get found out, and tonight the lack of genuine opportunities for the Hammers in the first half is slightly concerning. My optimism, never a great guide to any footballing contest, is waning fast.

Freiburg target Paquetá routinely, to the extent that the Brazilian gets in the ear of the referee once too often and gets himself booked. James Ward-Prowse is not the captain but monitors the issue, as does Moyes, calling regularly from the bench to keep Paquetá from the second yellow.

It’s a promising start in any case, with Souček pushing up and looking more the European hope with Vladimir Coufal than anyone else in the side in this first half. Bowen gets a couple of chances in the first half, but snatches at them rather than take that extra half second that his skill allows him. West Ham enter this game as the top scorers in this season’s Europa League.

The second half is the same kind of tentative second third to second third with the odd venture into the last third, but still no goals. As the game progresses, it’s beginning to look as though Moyes has got this one right. Paquetá has been almost invisible, but Hammers have made chances, two very late in the game from superb deep inswinging corners by James Ward-Prowse, the second of which Mavropanos heads against Atubolu’s left hand post.

With twenty minutes to go, Streich brings on Weisshaupt and Gregoritch for Freiburg, and within ten minutes Weisshaupt threads the ball through to Gregoritch who evades Zouma to slot the ball home. Unbelievable. How has that happened?

Hammers have ten minutes to save the tie and they begin to show some spirit, but like away at Olympiakos, it looks too little, too late. Antonio comes on and begins to fight out a little possession which finally culminates in a handball appeal in the fourth minute of injury time after Coufal’s cross evades Álvarez but Weisshaupt in his effort to prevent the ball getting to Souček, heads it across his hands. From goal provider to zero in the last seconds. The replay confirms the handball, but despite the referee being called over to the display monitor, and four minutes of perusal, he sticks to his original decision. Not a handball. Extraordinary. Yet another VAR nightmare. After all that, it’s a first leg defeat just like the Europa League last sixteen game at Sevilla in 2022.

Hammers’ fans will expect an improvement in the return second leg at London Stadium next Thursday at the weirdo kick off time of 5.45pm.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 19 Edson Álvarez, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 3 Aaron Cresswell, 11 Kalvin Phillips, 9 Michail Antonio

ARTETA TÊTE

West Ham 0 Arsenal 6

It’s hard to remember the last time this fixture kicked off on a Saturday at 3pm. But memories shift, and from a glance at the 1988-89 season, which ended in relegation for West Ham United and the championship for Arsenal, I can recall a 1-0 victory at Highbury in an FA Cup third round replay, the only goal of the game scored by Leroy Rosenior. Fast forward three years to 1991-92, and it was another relegation season for the Hammers, Arsenal finishing 4th, and another 1-0 victory at Highbury, this time in front of just 33,000 fans. The single goal was scored by Mike Small, a striker whose power and industry was often mirrored in his early years by Michail Antonio. Small, however, proved a one season wonder, and his subsequent loan spells at Wolves and Charlton Athletic yielded just one goal in five appearances.

Victories at Arsenal in the late twentieth century were marginally more regular than those at home. The twenty-first century not so much. Bobby Zamora’s goal in April 2007 was the only score in a 1-0 victory, the first ever by an away side at the Emirates. That victory completed the double over Arsenal in what was to become the 2006-07 ‘Great Escape’ season, following the November 2006 1-0 home victory, courtesy of an 88th minute winner from Marlon Harewood. You have to go back to the 1964-65 season for West Han’s previous league double over Arsenal. Not a great stat if you’re a Hammer.

Declan Rice’s first West Ham goal came in his last appearance as a teenager, at London Stadium and proved another solitary winner on 12th January 2019. The only other win between that and the Zamora strike at the Emirates came in a 2-0 victory at the Emirates on the opening day of the 2015-16 season.

Notwithstanding all of those facts, Hammers now face an Arsenal side who last weekend beat Liverpool, and they themselves have not beaten anyone since they last played Arsenal at the Emirates in December.

This afternoon the final goal of six in this painful-to-watch game is scored by Declan Rice, like just over five years ago. It is also a shot from the edge of the area that gives the goalkeeper no chance. Unlike most of the others in this afternoon’s game, though, it comes from open play.

For the record, this is West Ham’s worst home defeat since Boxing Day 1963, over sixty years ago, when they lost 2-8 to Blackburn Rovers. In the team that day was Bobby Moore, Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst. The following season that same team did the double over Arsenal under just one manager. That man was Ron Greenwood.

Did Ron get the tactics wrong that day, or was it just that second helping of Christmas Pud that was the reason for that particular Upton Park disaster? A Greenwood-led West Ham also lost 0-3 to Mansfield Town of the fourth tier in the FA Cup 5th round almost 55 years ago, back on Wednesday 26th February 1969, in a side that fielded Moore, Hurst and Peters.

23 Alphonse Areola, 2 Ben Johnson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 19 Edson Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 1 Lucasz Fabianski, 11 Kalvin Phillips, 17 Maxwel Cornet

LUCK WITH A CAPITAL F

Manchester United 3 West Ham 0

Sometimes it pays to not get out of bed. Today feels like one of those days. I have leapt through several hoops to requisition a ticket for this game, and to organise my weekend around getting to it. I had a ticket for the December game at the Emirates but let it go based on West Ham’s fate there over the last 25 seasons. Old Trafford, though, well the Red Evils are total pants this season and we’ve just got our absent players back to give them a decent game. Can you see anything wrong with that sentence?

My driven route to the ground takes me to a free station parking space at Altrincham, a town that is beautiful, but misspelled. The c should really be a g, otherwise it’s alt-trinch-am, whereas locals say Altringham. Either spelling is highlighted red when you type it, so maybe it doesn’t actually exist. Pretty place, though, and from there you can get a tram direct to Old Trafford, which I do.

The tram drops you off outside Old Trafford, the home of Lancashire County Cricket Club, though this is still half a mile from the football ground. I’ve been here before in 2012 to see a London Olympics Football semi-final between South Korea and Mexico, strangely staged in the North West. And that’s another thing. This isn’t actually Manchester. It’s Trafford, and ‘old’ Trafford at that.

You enter the whole ‘Manchester United’ area (no bags allowed unless they are smaller than an A5 flyer, which isn’t a bag, is it?) and you are immediately overcome by the smell of deeply saturated fat cuisine, served by moustachioed men and red-bibbed women. No.

I am here too early, but there is a tribute presentation at the ground to commemorate the 66th anniversary of the Munich disaster, which is attended in the main by other West Ham fans who have also arrived early. They applaud politely, impeccably. We are not Millwall, after all. I was exactly one month old on that day way back then. Would that side have won everything? They may well have won the first European Cup in 1960 rather than having to wait until 1968.

The team pops up on the phone. No Paquetá. Aguerd starts, Coufal returns with Johnson moving to the right side of midfield. Phillips is on the bench with Mavropanos. No surprises there. But I have that feeling (that Moyes always expresses openly) about this being a very difficult place to win at, even though Brighton, Bournemouth and Crystal Palace have already managed it at a canter. What am I doing here? I should be tucked up on the sofa at home, ready to swear and change channels after the third goal, but no, I had to make the journey this season, if only to have a reason never to come here again in my life.

My standing area seat has an excellent view, which would all look very promising to anyone who couldn’t sense fate in the wind, see it in reflections off the puddles outside. And we start well, confidently, as we should do. We’re without Paquetá, but we didn’t need him at the Emirates. Álvarez is involved straight away, running with the ball, looking to hit the telling pass. Aguerd is quiet and passing sideways to Zouma or Emerson. The focus seems to be on building from the left, where there is some progress in the third quarter.

United are sloppy and dishevelled. This is certainly not one of their better sides. You sense they are there for the taking. That first quarter of an hour when the teams prod at each other like the young in a cage at the zoo. Neither looks confident, but for now West Ham prod and Manchester United block the prods.

Rasmus Hojlund is the latest new star in the home side, running at defences, fearless, ready to try anything if it looks possible. He makes the whole team look much better than it really is. Alejandro Garnacho is more of your typical United boy pin up, who can play a bit too. I already have these two down as Ones to Watch.

And it’s not long before Hojlund justifies my close attention. Hammers have started well and enjoyed more of the ball than an away side should in the first 15 minutes, but when yet another attack breaks down, Casemiro wins the loose ball and puts Hojland in a good position from which he hammers home past Areola after swerving across and past West Ham’s flimsy defence. West Ham have dominated possession but still go in at half time a goal down.

Early in the second half Emerson grabs a loose ball off terminal refusenik Harry McGuire but, just as the equaliser appears to have been put on a plate, the Italian finishes in two minds and his cross / shot ends up with the ball scooped up over the bar. Hammers have had to replace Areola with Fabianski at the beginning of the second half as the French keeper has failed to recover from a heavy challenge in the area just before half-time. There is worse to come minutes later when Nayef Aguerd deflects Garnacho’s speculative shot at the other end past Fabianski.

Hammers push up further to pick up the goal that will get them back in the game, and Jarrod Bowen is put though one on one against Onana, but as he prepares to finish, Diogo Dalot takes the ball off him with a superb sliding tackle.

West Ham continue to press high for the next 25 minutes, but the ‘Estate of Greed’ holds firm and then Phillips, who has come on for a knackered Souček is given a poor pass which he can’t shield, and Garnacho picks his pocket and runs through on goal to hit home Manchester United’s third.

The Hammers left on the pitch look at each other in disbelief And well they might. This is a game that they have controlled with shots, possession and a good attitude, but in the end have lost, thanks to a familiar paucity of belief at this ground that has regularly plagued them here in the league under the tutelage of (Sir) David Moyes.

23 Alphonse Areola, 2 Ben Johnson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 19 Edson Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 1 Lucasz Fabianski, 11 Kalvin Phillips, 17 Maxwel Cornet

BLADES SHARPENED

Sheffield United 2 West Ham 2

The opportunity to bounce back after the shock cup defeat at Championship mid-tablers Bristol City cannot come quickly enough. A journey to bottom of the table Sheffield United isn’t the ideal fixture though. Offering more skin than banana, this one looks like a potential fruit fight.

West Ham have Bowen back, but Paquetá, Álvarez, Aguerd and Kudus are still missing from the preferred eleven, so scoring may prove less straightforward than the side have found it so far this season. Sheffield United have also somehow persuaded 24 year old Ben Brereton Diaz to don his hippy locks for them rather than fight for a place in Villareal’s team from La Liga. Why would he do that? He is from Chile, FFS, not from some storm-laden wind chill-factored nightmare Northern UK town. I’ve already put his name on the scoresheet, though.

The journey to Sheffield for any games starting at 2pm, if you plan it right, requires you to only be in the city for the duration of the game and, at the most, a further 67 minutes. Providing the trains are on time, and you have onboard liquid refreshment and sufficient reading material, the whole escapade can seem like a journey in the tardis. What is harder to plan for is the result.

Danny Ings is making another of those starts up front where fans pray for a decent performance, maybe even a goal. In that endeavour he is joined this afternoon by Maxwel Cornet, still to score for the Hammers after a season and a half in the squad. (though technically should have had his first goal at Stamford Bridge last season).

It’s all a bit scrappy in the first half, but things start to look up after a mazy run from Ings and a deflected shot into the path of Cornet, who fires West Ham into the lead after 28 minutes. This goal is all the more enjoyable as it has been orchestrated and finished by the NSD duo. (not so deadly)

Sadly the Hammers can’t hold out to take a first half lead into the changing room, and after some woeful marking, yes, it’s Ben Brereton (‘Hippy Diaz’ to you and me) who fires home the equaliser in front of the Hammers’ disbelieving fans. How did that happen? Don’t ask stupid questions.

The fifteen half-time minutes in away games this season have generally been filled with a combination of hope and disdain. Remember Spurs? You just never know what West Ham side will turn up for the second half. Only one thing is certain. Whatever happens, there will be no substitutions.

West Ham seem strangely more resolute, more organised in the second half. But it counts for very little as joy in the final third continues to prove elusive. Until David Moyes takes off Maxwel Cornet in the 70th minute, and replaces him with… Ben Johnson. Yes, you heard me right. A defender comes on for the striker who has scored our only goal so far. The Hammers’ twitterXati go into overdrive. What is he doing?

Five minutes later, the brain-cell challenged fans amongst us have worked out that Johnson has been put on as a kind of midfield engine with pace, to stoke things up. And guess what? It’s working! Bowen heads right and Ings left as a two-pronged attack, and it’s Ings whose mazy run (yes, I use that word again to describe something Danny Ings did) leads to him being floored in the area by a late tackle from Gustavo ‘Hammer’ Hamer, and Ward-Prowse slots the penalty home to restore the lead.

And that’s the way things stay until injury time, with Johnson and Ings looking better and better as the match progresses towards an almost certain three points and a return to winning ways for David Moyesiah’s West Ham United on tour.

Then the referee announces that there will be six minutes of injury time. In the third of these, Rhian Brewster, the Liverpool reject as he has been perhaps unfairly christened, times a pre-meditated two-footed kung fu kick at Emerson, who rolls spectacularly across the pitch from the blow. The referee, Michael Salisbury, who has up to now has had a fairly innocuous match, reaches for a red card but pulls out a yellow. Or at least that has to be what has happened. Maybe he has the cards in the wrong pockets. Whatever the reason for the clear error, VAR whispers gently in his ear, and after wandering across to his personal display screen, rescinds the yellow for a red. Vladimir Coufal, who has been in the ref’s ear about the challenge, gets a yellow for his pains, which seems a bit harsh.

The four minutes that this all takes drags the game on towards the hundred minute mark.

West Ham have a minute or two with eleven against ten to look for a third, when Coufal misstimes a tackle and steps on James McAtee’s foot as it passes him. And gets a red card, taken, this time, from the ref’s left pocket. Coufal’s smile transcends the ironic.

There is more to come. Following the free kick and the glut of raised expectations, a short passage of play ensues during which McAtee floats in a ball to the far post, but before he can collect, Areola is clattered by the elbow of Oliver McBurnie, and sent flying.

Without so much as a VAR your leave, the ref points to the spot. Is he positioning West Ham’s free kick away from the six yard box? The fuck is he. He’s only given Sheffield United a penalty. Blind and one-pocketed? Bribed? Useless? I guess we’ll never know. Not if we ignore the evidence of our own eyes, we won’t. Areola has a split lip and is swallowing blood. He eventually has to be substituted for Lucasz Fabianski. Who is better at saving penalties. But who has just been chomping on a steak pie after downing two blackberry flavoured power bars, and whose mind is elsewhere, poised at minute one hundred to catch the latest episode of Netfixes ‘Krakow, My Part In Her Downfall’.

When McBurnie finally steps up to take the penalty, there are 103 minutes on the clock. Perhaps the referee has an each way on the latest ever goal scored in a Premier League game… For that is what this will be. McBurnie steadies himself as he watches Areola head down the tunnel to get his face fixed, and slots the ball beyond Fabianski. To be fair, it is a decent penalty. Even though it wasn’t a penalty.

But what’s this? Hammers have kicked off and are already mounting an attack to scupper the ref’s bet. And as he watches he’s tapping his pocket to make sure he’s still got the bookies’ receipt in it. Then as Johnson’s cross comes over, Ahmedhodzic, with his arms wrapped around Bowen like he’s attempting some judo throw, pulls the striker to the ground.

Thank God. Ward-Prowse will secure the points with his second spot kick of the game…

WTF? Salisbury’s given a handball against Bowen. Jesus H. Christ on an Electric Scooter. And just as it’s about to kick off, as Sheffield United should be doing again, the Salisbury poisoner blows his whistle for the final time this afternoon.

I am reminded of the denied Snodgrass equaliser here on January 11th 2020, four years ago, because of a VAR verdict on Declan Rice for a handball, and for the fact that the scorer of the winning goal that afternoon was none other than… Oli McBurnie. That win that day took Sheffield United to fifth in the PL table.

West Ham are still sixth this afternoon and Sheffield United are adrift at the bottom on just ten points. There is that.

23 Alphonse Areola, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 8 Pablo Fornals, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Maxwel Cornet, 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 2 Ben Johnson, 45 Divin Mubama, 1 Lucasz Fabianski

Goalscorers: Maxwel Cornet (28), James Ward-Prowse (79, penalty)

Worst Referee in the Current Known Universe: Michael Salisbury

SHIT SHAPE

Bristol City 1 West Ham 0

A fourth round tie with Blackpool or Nottingham Forest lies in wait for the winner of this tie, that I am watching on a screen in a hotel lounge in Marrakesh. My host has found a bottle of champagne in his office. Its contents are warm, but it’s nothing that a few ice cubes he’s grabbed from a nearby freezer cannot cure. Whether West Ham’s injury issues and African Cup of Nations player absences can be so easily plastered over is another matter.

Danny Ings, Aaron Cresswell and Maxwel Cornet all start, so there is an immediate hope that no one else in the side will display even a hint of a below par performance. Bristol City played and lost at the weekend, whereas what is left of the West Ham team hasn’t kicked a ball in anger in the last eight days.

And West Ham almost go ahead in the second minute as Ings is poised to take a ball from Cornet where he would be straight through, but Cornet overhits the pass and from the break away Mavropanos hits a weak back pass to Fabianski, duplicating his error against Crystal Palace, and Tommy Conway pokes it past the keeper and finishes off from a tight angle. This is the striker who scored at London Stadium, so he must like the claret and blue. Actually just blue tonight. That pigment blue that Yves Klein made his own all those years ago.

Each replay, and there are several, makes Mavropanos’ back pass look worse. I am immediately filled with a sown dread that this is the only goal of the game.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Maxwel Cornet, 18 Danny Ings

Substitutes: 45 Divin Mubama, 2 Ben Johnson, 50 Callum Marshall

BRISTOL FASHION

West Ham 1 Bristol City 1

The FA Cup is a competition laced with surprises. The first, for this afternoon’s fixture, is that Bristol City have secured 9,000 seats for this unrestricted access cup game, so the noise in the stadium is likely to sound louder than a London derby with Tottingham would.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edson Álvarez, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 45 Divin Mubama, 2 Ben Johnson, 17 Maxwel Cornet, 18 Danny Ings, 21 Angelo Ogbonna

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen (5)

ARSENAL ARE SWIPED

Arsenal 0 West Ham 2

The absence of club captain Zouma (tweaked knee) and Nayef Aguerd (still ill) have pretty much guaranteed a backs to the wall perspective for this evening’s game, but that was how the recent Spurs away fixture looked at first glance. Paquetá appeared to have a hamstring issue in the pre-match kick about but is around at kick-off, thankfully.

Unlike West Ham, Arsenal managed to take something away from their visit to Liverpool. After just 47 seconds, Ward-Prowse has a shooting opportunity but is unable to restrain his swing and the ball balloons over. Throughout the first five minutes, West Ham surround each Arsenal player with two or three players of their own, cutting short the opportunity to advance into their opponent’s half.

It may be my imagination but Declan Rice looks nervous on the ball and makes few forward strides with it in the first ten minutes. West Ham’s first genuine assault on the Arsenal goal in the tenth minute is a Ward-Prowse free kick which is steered just over Raya’s crossbar.

Trossard hits an early chance over and from the clearance, West Ham regain possession and Bowen, wide on the left pulls the ball back into the path of Souček, who taps it home. Arsenal look dazed. Referee Michael Oliver, who has already awarded a goal, needs to be convinced that it’s wrong. After four minutes, they can find no clear evidence that the ball is 100% out, so the goal is given at a time of 16.04. Hurrah.

It’s Souček’s fifth PL goal of the season, and sets up a few minutes where Arsenal knock the ball around in defence as they wonder what to do. This team are top of the league, but it doesn’t feel like it. They look pretty lost from my vantage point.

Paquetá pulls up on the half hour and is replaced by Benrahma who scored here last season from the penalty spot before Arsenal hit three of their own in a miserable second half. Tonight, even without Aguerd and Zouma (from A to Z), Hammers look a lot more steady and resolute. Even when Arsenal get the ball first in the West Ham penalty area, there seems very little they can do with it.

As the half time whistle approaches, the possession stats say Arsenal have it at 75%, though the brain finds it difficult to clock any significant events to chart a potential goal. Both sides have five wins in seven at this point in the season, but Hammers are in the ascendancy tonight with Kudus and Ogbonna reigning supreme up and down the pitch, stopping Arsenal from making anything of their possession stats. There are only five additional minutes, which pass very quickly with no further incident.

The rain gathers pace over the break and soils the seats of the several thousand Arsenal fans who are still nursing Xmas hangovers in the bar behind the Upper Stand. Storm Gerrit may have its say in this part of town, but not for now, though it is raining hard. These first ten minutes of any second half have proved tricky for the Hammers to negotiate this season, but these ten pass quickly, and when they’re up, West Ham get a second.

West Ham win their first corner of the half on the right, and Ward-Prowse hits in a long, outswinging, dipping kick that Mavropanos meets superbly on the edge of the six yard box past Raya into the top corner, off the crossbar.

Utter magic, and the first time Hammers have scored two here since they won 2-0 at the Emirates on the opening day of the 2015-16 season. The filling in the sandwich between that win and this lead is eight successive defeats. So it really is big.

Try as they might, Arsenal have nothing with which to combat the confidence of this West Ham side, and even 100% possession looks like it would just be another meaningless stat. Indeed, as the game slips into injury time, Rice slides into Emerson with a mistimed tackle that sees Oliver point to the spot. Benrahma has a chance to strike lightning twice. But his firmly hit penalty is a little too close to Raya, and the Arsenal keeper paws it away to safety. Shame. The penalty save is greeted with a hollow cheer from the Arsenal fans. If there was ever one to miss for Benrahma, that was it. He had scored the last ten in a row, his previous one being in Prague in June.

In his post-match rant, Arteta fully earns his nickname the Rebel MC, where the M stands for ‘Moaning’. He whinges his way through a monosyllabic rant that would probably have a more comfortable home in a local kindergarten. Twat.

23 Alphonse Ariola, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 19 Edson Álvarez, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 10 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma

Goalscorers: Tomas Souček (13), Konstantinos Mavropanus (55)

WHO PUT THE BALL IN THE WEST HAM NET?

Fulham 5 West Ham 0

The answer to that question, as made quite clear by the Fulham fans, who also enjoyed a 5-0 victory over Nottingham Forest on Tuesday, is ‘half the fucking team did!’ So where did it all go wrong for West Ham on Sunday? Novovirus? Boats full of fans getting caught under the bridge at Hammersmith before the game? Fulham playing some scintillating football? Take your pick.

I became interested, some time after the thrashing at the hands of the cottagers, in how we have traditionally fared after any of our many excellent victories over Tottingham. As you’ll imagine, I was in search of any pattern I could find to explain why David Moyes’ Hammers’ team had conceded five for the first time in all his years of managing them. I was unable to find one.

But it is a fact that Moyes does not toy with the team. Absolutely never. So why are Cresswell and Fornals suddenly starting, and why is Álvarez absent? Presented with no explanation at kick off for these three anomalies is an unsettling and unexpected revelation that doesn’t augur well for the events in the game ahead.

Fulham have over the years generally been the team to play if you are after points, or in a competitive cup final, though the last point may prove a slight anomaly, built as it is on limited data. This afternoon however sees West Ham playing just 72 hours after the Spurs’ fixture, with Spurs having played on Wednesday and having had an extra day off. Will that make any difference? It probably shouldn’t, but it’s always a handy excuse to have up the sleeve.

West Ham start well, and are knocking the ball about with some confidence, the Coufal-Kudus connect from Thursday night making some early inroads down the right. Fulham, however, have other ideas this afternoon, and are not to be put off by fans singing ad nauseam how they know that they are champions off Europe.

Last season’s win here was probably the most significant of Moyes’ away victories in the league, achieved brilliantly without a single accurate shot on goal, the winner coming from a deflected own goal.

West Ham win a free kick in the first five minutes of the game , offering a shooting distance opportunity for James Ward-Prowse, but although his effort is on target, Bernd Leno punches it away to safety. Within a quarter of an hour, Paulinho’s cross with pace is steered into the back of the net by Jiminez. Five minutes later and Fulham are two ahead, Willian slotting home after a weak clearance. Coufal than fashions a brilliant cross to create a genuine opportunity for Bowen, who uncharacteristically fluffs the chance to narrow the gap to 2-1. And within a minute Fulham have a third, Coufal deflecting Tosin’s header out of the reach of Fabianski’s dive. It’s been a while since West Ham conceded three in a first half of a game, especially without reply.

The second half offers just more of the same, first Harry Wilson hitting a fourth before the first hour of the game is up, and then a fifth a minute from time from Vinicius. Fulham beat Forest 5-0 in the week, so they’ve boosted their goal difference by ten in two matches. West Ham look to have re-invented a meaning for the term ‘shell-shocked’.

All that’s left at the end of the game is the mental list of the five different scorers of the Fulham goals, each of which is well executed and easy on the eye. The rest has to be forgotten as they still face SC Freiburg on Thursday for top place in their Europa League group.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse,  8 Pablo Fornals, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 28 Tomas Souček

Substitutes: 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanos

SPURT!

Tottenham 1 West Ham 2

Tottenham under Ange are different. But, as their recent home form would suggest, still vulnerable, just like the Good Old Spurs. Even so, this is a fixture I have always found it hard to attend in person, such is the potential pain of defeat over Tottingham. This would explain why tonight, in real time, I am at Rumer’s gig at Indigo at the O2 bathroom hoping, with my phone switched off, that Hammers can manufacture another of those recent Moyes’ miracles.

Fabianski is back in the first team, in pink, as Areola has sprained his wrist after excessive midweek Grand Theft Auto activity on the XBox. West Ham are otherwise at full strength with Zouma returning after a domestic incident in which no house pets were harmed. Romero is also back, for Spurs, after a three match ban, and, somewhat predictably, puts Spurs ahead after ten minutes of sustained 90% possession pressure from the North London side. Ward-Prowse, back defending, is forced to concede Spurs’ second corner from which Romero rises above Aguerd and Álvarez to head home his first ever home goal. Cue the kind of screaming that belies the home fans pre-match protests on X that this is not their cup final.

Within a minute Hammers are stirred into life and the classic assist route of Coufal-cross-Kudus-finish is thwarted by the fact that the striker has moved too soon and is a yard offside. But it’s a positive and ultimately promising response to the goal. Spurs have now scored in the 27th successive game, a new record for them.

‘Somehow you don’t anticipate that Tottenham are going to win this one-nil,’ says Clive Tyldesley, making a welcome return to our screens on the payroll of Amazon Prime, an occasional football channel who don’t waste time (or money) hiring amateurs. Tyldesley’s summariser is Alan Shearer, so the audio has a greatest all stars feel.

West Ham have their first corner seven minutes after the Spurs’ goal, and Zouma gets up well to Ward-Prowse’s near post curler, but can’t do enough to hit the target. Bissouma’s shorts are so long that they almost meet his long socks at the knee joint, making his outfit look like he’s wearing pyjamas. He looks like he’s just come down the stairs to collect an early Amazon home delivery. See what I did there?

By the time we get to 25 minutes, the action has shifted, and West Ham are getting in on the action and possession.

For all the money spent buying exclusive access to the content, Amazon are going with an old school three camera coverage, the wide, the tight and the pitch level. Could be interesting if a VAR incident occurs… maybe the director has gone for a first half pee.

Kudus finds himself straight through on the half hour, but again, he’s offside. Timing those runs as the game develops could prove a match-winning strategy.

The Spurs manager, ‘Ange’ is incredibly only a couple of years younger than Moyes. Perhaps it is the benefit of a disciplined access to the Australian sun that makes him look more like 25 years his opposite number’s junior. It is rather comforting to hear the Spurs’ manager regularly referred to as ‘Ange,’ making him sound like the return of an old favourite to the EastEnders’ film set. Where is ‘Dirty Den’ when you need him to come in as the new Spurs’ number two?

Paquetá is down on 32 minutes and Fornals is being warmed up. The Spaniard may not be finished with his Hammers’ career quite yet. But it all proves a false alarm. It’s a regular early match moment of grass munching with the Brazilian.

West Ham have already played six games more than Spurs this season. Tottingham, like Chelsea and every other London side except Arsenal, are without the European football experience this season. Shame.

Kudus and Coufal are linking well yet again, and Kudus hits a superb cross in which Paquetá, unmarked at the far post, manages only to turn the ball wide with a body dropping mistimed header. Great cross, terrible finish.

Kulusevski hits in a dangerous low cross from the left hand side in injury time that Zouma almost turns into his own net in a diving attempt to clear it, but the ball thankfully just clips the bar and heads over. By the half-time whistle the score still looks just about fair, but with the Hammers breathing down the Tottingham necks.

It was pointed out after the home game against Palace that the Hammers’ most vulnerable period in matches this season is the first ten minutes of the second half, so this is knife edge time. Pedro Porro tries a long shot which is just over Fabianski’s crossbar, and the replay accesses an overhead camera’s view. Looks like the director is finally back from his extended leak.

In the 51st minute Johnson heads across the West Ham area and there is a suggestion of a handball from Coufal. Not given on the field, there is an almost audible sigh from the pitch level cameraman who hasn’t returned from his half time tea and pie in the media tent. Another camera view is eventually offered, but the arm is behind the back, so not intentional. Hah har.

In their presumed confidence that the VAR check would prove profitable, Spurs have left themselves a bit thin at the back, and Bowen finds Kudus with space on the right from which his powerful shot is blocked, ricocheting deliciously back into the path of Bowen, who leathers it gratefully home. I replay the goal several times, delighted in particular to see how enthusiastically it is celebrated by Lucas Paquetá, some twenty yards behind the play.

Jarrod Bowen – double figures for the season and a cool 50 for his career at West Ham.

Seven successive away goals for the England striker – only Robin Van Persie is left in his sights for a new Premier League record.

Hammers are now in the ascendancy, and queuing up to challenge Vicario from the edge of the area, Paquetá seeing his shot well screened and fielded by the Italian. The aggression West Ham are showing is delightful to watch, and forces a string of corners in front of their own fans. Forget thou not: this is the end where West Ham scored three goals in the last eight minutes against Spurs in that memorable 3-3 closed doors game.

The Coufal-Kudus combination is looking more intuitive with every minute of second half play. They are a revelation chapter five verse fourteen. Richarlison appears on the hour. Impact rub-a-dub sub. Fabianski is off his line quickly to stop the danger from a Spurs’ cross and smashes heads in collision with… Souček, who else? But he clears the ball brilliantly.

Richarlison has a brilliant chance ten minutes after coming on, from Porto’s superb cross, but is thankfully profligate at the far post, heading it wide. The miss looks even worse three minutes later when West Ham score a second.

It’s a comedy act. Hammers win a free kick just outside the area when Emerson is fouled following another Spurs’ attack, and Fabianski belts it forward to stretch their defence. Mavropanus’ back pass against Palace from the weekend is duplicated with erroneous finesse by Udogie, and its destiny is tragic for Tottingham, as Bowen is onto it with an alert glee. Although Vicario reaches the ball first, his clearance merely finds Ward-Prowse, whose side foot hits the post but he grabs the rebound to steer it home.

‘It just came apart at the back there,’ says Tyldesley. Oh Clive, you beauty.

West Ham were the first away team to win at the new White Hart Lane, back in April 2019. Tonight they have created another record; they are the first team to inflict a third successive home defeat against Spurs in their new Expansive Threadbare Points Stadium.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 19 Edson Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 28 Tomas Souček (captain)

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen, James Ward-Prowse

LOST YOUR MARBLES?

West Ham 1 Crystal Palace 1

Probably not the team you want to play when you’ve just got back from a major journey across Europe and are wondering where the next PL goal is coming from.

Hammers’ current form, at least in term of results, seems to suggest that this fixture should not pose too many problems even though they’ve only beaten Palace once at London Stadium.

West Ham fans occupy two parallel worlds, the second one a land where even winning is not a place which they wish to occupy. To play well and lose, or to play scrappily and grab three points in the final five minutes? It seems neither of these is an El Dorado for fans of this club.

This afternoon West Ham will have one of those games when they score inside the first fifteen minutes, their opening goal finished off first time by Mohammed Kudus following a low ball across the area weighted perfectly by Vladimir Coufal. The replay reveals the kind of deflection which explains Sam Johnstone’s lost contact lenses routine.

1 Alphonse Areola, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Macropanus, 19 Edson Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 28 Tomas Souček  (captain)

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals

Goalscorer: Mohammed Kudus

BAČKA TO REALITY

FK TSC Bačka Topola 0 West Ham 1

Although TSC Bačka Topola (Topolski sportski klub) are the second oldest club in the Serbian Super Liga, at their formation in 1912 they were a Hungarian Club, and part of the Austrian-Hungarian Empire. So not a Serbian club at all. But although they now find themselves in the Serbian Super Liga, for reasons too numerous to mention in the summary of a group stage football match in the Europa League (they have also been Yugoslavian and were even once slightly Croatian), they are owned by a Hungarian, no less a man than Victor Orban, the current Hungarian president, who loved the club so much that he bought it. The village that houses the club’s ground in just 8 miles from the border with Hungary, so Orban can pop over and watch his side whenever he likes, as they are just a short car ride away.

Bačka took a two year sabbatical from the Serbian League in 2003-05, retaining only a youth team, but returned in 2006 to win the Vojvodina League North in the 2006-07 season, the first stage of their climb into the Super Liga, just a decade later.

One of Bačka T’s former players, Nikola Žigić, played in the UK for Birmingham City, and was part of the side that won the League Cup in 2011, his appearance as substitute forming a significant contribution to their 3-1 semi-final League Cup win over Avram Grant’s West Ham side in January 2011. The Hammers had seemed certain to hold their lead from the first leg and head to another Wembley final against Arsenal, but the tall Serbian striker had other ideas, and still covets his League Cup Winners medal, the first and to date only trophy Birmingham have won since 1956.

An informative article on the West Ham United website describes Bačka’s stadium, with its capacity of 4500 supporters, as ‘magnificent.’ It does take cards, which can be deployed in the hunt for burgers, coke and alcohol. You are also allowed to smoke, and the memory of this freedom will stay on my clothes for the next few days as a reminder of the libertarian gesture.

Most of the superlatives that populate this article may seem somewhat out of kilter with the meagre fruit available to the hungry eyes of the 320 travelling West Ham fans in the 90 minutes of ‘football’ they are witness to in the [citation needed] cosy football stadium this evening.

The combined striking force of Mohamed Kudus, Jarrod Bowen and Michail Antonio has failed to make the journey out to Serbia tonight, due to injuries they all
managed to sustain on last week’s international duty. Their replacements are Saïd Benrahma and Divin Mubama and (eventually) Maxwell Cornet and Danny Ings. Pablo Fornals also starts.

I look around the magnificent stadium towards the other end of the ground facing the pen where the Hammers’ fans have been affectionately placed. It consists of a terrace twenty steps high of standing home fans, chanting enthusiastically as their side do their best to bring their Europa League campign to a respectable finish. Above them is a hundred foot high wall of windowed concrete behind which may be daytime offices or a municipal space available to rent for local businesses for a few thousand Serbian dinar.

A prominent red display chronicles the time passing in the match alongside the score. Neither figures seem to move at all for most of the game. Eventually, however, half-time arrives and I try to remember what I have seen in the first half of this important European game.

Bačka have had the best of events, it has to be said, and only the inspired defensive shift from Nayef Aguerd has kept them at bay. At the other end, not much, and those who have been screaming for Mubama to get some game time, have been disappointed with what they have seen.

There are often games in a season that you can watch and yet somehow not be involved in. This is one of those games. The second half offers Bačka Topola just one opportunity that Fabianski fends away without too much trouble. Cornet comes on with Ings on 67 minutes, and looks lively, somehow operating outside the slo-motion zone that the rest of the players seem stuck in.

Just when those who have made the 2250 mile journey are beginning to wonder why, Cornet gathers the ball out on the right and curls in a sneaky cross that Souček, lurking at the far post, gets on the end of. That’s his third successive late winner in a week for West Ham.

That has to be some kind of record, not to mention the guarantee that Hammers are through to the knock-out stages of the competition.

1 Lucas Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 15 Dinos Mapropanus, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse (captain), 8 Pablo Fornals, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 45 Divin Mubama

Substitutes: 17 Maxwel Cornet, 18 Danny Ings, 33 Emerson, 24 Thilo Kehrer

Goalscorer: Tomas Souček

HENCE, WILT THOU LIFT UP OLYMPIAKOS?

West Ham 1 Olympiakos 0

The owner of Olympiakos is the same guy who owns Nottingham Forest. Evangelos Marinakis. The odds would have been long at the beginning of the season for him to find a club that would play both his sides over just four days in a domestic and an international competition. But here come West Ham United.

The home side have eight straight home wins in European competition to their name, but defeat in Athens a fortnight ago proved that all Onassis is not necessarily plain sailing. Olympiakos have won the Super Greek League 47 times, which may make that league something of a one horse town, but is not an unimpressive stat.

West Ham take the game by the scruff of the bridle early on, and Benrahma twice digs out chances from the left to bring out the best of Alexandros Paschalakis.

Assist king James Ward Prowse twice plays inswinging corners that drop perfectly onto the head of Nayef Aguerd, who puts the first to the keeper’s right, and heads the second to the keeper’s left, but both wide. And this is all in the first half an hour.

As the half drags on, Hammers look like they are running out of ideas about how they might breach this stubborn Greek defence. Having scored eighteen goals from set pieces in 2022-23, West Ham suddenly seem unable to fashion anything novel from the many set play opportunities they have in the half. Benrahma has another speculative shot turned round the post, and Bowen’s header from the ensuing corner clips a Greek head away for yet another Ward Prowse corner which Aguerd heads to the keeper’s right, but again frustratingly just wide.

The second half asks even more patience from Hammers, and just as we are beginning to think that it might not happen, a piece of West Ham magic appears out of nowhere when what looks like another frustrated move sees the ball turned back to Ward-Prowse, who chips a perfect through ball in to Paquetá, which the Brazilian volleys home. The eager assistant referee’s flag calls it offside, but even to the naked eye, VAR will surely correct the errant decision. Somehow the procedure takes three minutes, but it gives Paquetá the chance to double back and shamelessly celebrate again in front of the Olympiakos’ fans.

Suddenly the Athenians look as though they might try to score to get something out of the game, and though Fabianski drops the loose ball in front of Ayoub El Kaabi, he recovers to steer the striker’s header wide. No matter that an offside decision is given, as the Fabs couldn’t have known, and didn’t take that chance.

Ward-Prowse has one final set play cross to turn in six minutes from time, but Mavropanus’ header is agonisingly wide. On any other day he would have chalked up six or seven assists, but tonight he will have to settle for the one vital one, which proves to have set up the winner for Paquetá.

A late flurry sees Camara hit the back post with a chance from a few yards out, but Hammers deservedly ride their luck, recording a ninth successive European home win. It transpires that Freiburg have won their parallel game over Backa Topola 5-0, but will have to be satisfied with second spot, as Hammers have superiority over them as a result of the head-to-head rule.

1 Lucas Fabianski (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanus, 19 Edson Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 28 Tomas Souček, 17 Maxwel Cornet, 45 Davin Mubama

Goalscorer: Lucas Paquetá

ON BEES KNEES

Brentford 3 West Ham 2

For West Ham, Brighton, now that they have been overcome, are beginning to look like small fry alongside Brentford, who up until today have a 100% success record against West Ham in the Premier League. Four games, four wins. Only one goal conceded. And starting for them this afternoon is Neal Maupay, who has scored against the Hammers wearing both Everton and Brighton shirts. Indeed his last goal in the Premier League was a rare netting for Everton, the club who have loaned him to Brentford. Because he hasn’t been scoring goals very regularly for them. Actually his goal against West Ham for them last season, the only goal of that match, is the only Everton goal he ever scored. And that was fourteen months ago.

So I think we know what is on the cards this afternoon. Especially as West Ham are without the suspended Álvarez, and Lucas Paquetá. Brentford are also high on two successive victories over Burnley and a second 2023 win at Chelsea. This promises to be a high-scoring exciting game, with many mistakes. The side making more will lose it. You can see where I’m going with this.

The first goal of the game is not long in coming. There are just 11 minutes on the clock when a miss hit shot by Onyeka bounces invitingly towards, yes, you’ve guessed it, Maupay. He scores, yes, you’ve guessed it, his first goal in his second spell at Brentford. Is that the shortest ever period of time a striker has scored against West Ham for three different clubs in the Premier League? Don’t bother looking. It is.

And guess what happens now? West Ham start to play football. Who knew that was possible? Who knew Antonio would hit a cross to the far post for Kudus to acrobatically bury with a delicious overhead finish. Who knew? And then, who knew Kudus would seven minutes later knee the ball past Brentford keeper Flekken only for it to come back off the post, where Bowen is waiting to exquisitely poach a second. There is the not unexpected five minutes’ VAR pontification while referee Thomas Bramall considers whether Bowen might have handled the ball before slotting it home. But it’s okay. It’s a goal. And there could be more a few minutes later, with Antonio and Benrahma arriving at the far post at the same moment, making firm contact with each other rather than the ball, as the goal gapes like a Thames Water sewer seal. That miss will be reflected on at length in the second half.

Ah yes, the second half. What is happening? Brentford suddenly realise they have a height advantage less than 10 minutes in, when Mavropanus, the tallest player on the pitch rises to head past Areola, despite ending up under Nathan Collins’ higher leap. Then, a quarter of an hour on, Collins rises again, this time to himself head powerfully into the top corner from Jensen’s exquisite cross. All the clichés dance in heads more creative than West Ham’s entire midfield this half. Snatched from the jaws, indeed.

You might conclude at the final whistle that this was entertainment beyond the most extreme of wishes of the neutral tourist football fan, of which there are plenty here this afternoon, sporting their half and half scarves. Then again, you might wonder how West Ham have screwed this one up and come away with nothing. Because they have.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 15 dinos Mavropanos, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings

Goalscorers: 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

PLAYING WITHOUT JESUS

West Ham 3 Arsenal 1

The League Cup is a competition that has occasionally thrown West Ham and Arsenal together, notably in a January 1998 quarter-final at Upton Park when Arsenal ran out 2-1 winners. Samassi Abou scored for West Ham with fifteen minutes to go, but Wright and Overmars had already put Arsenal two up before that. The attendance that night was a surprisingly disappointing 24,770.

Tonight, having been told that this game is a sell-out, I can see great swathes of white seats across the other side of the ground. This is no compliment to Declan Rice on his first return to the ground he played at so superbly in the last five years, nor to the box office draw value of the other team from North London. On the Brazilian front, West Ham continue to enjoy the magic of Lucas Paquetá, whilst Arsenal are denied the skills of their main striker Gabriel Jesus, out with a hamstring injury until December.

The last time West Ham beat Arsenal in any fixture was at London Stadium on 12th January 2019, which is coming on for five years now and, curiously, the only goal that day was scored by Declan Rice, a couple of minutes after half time. Rice is not starting this evening, but I imagine it unlikely that we won’t see him on the pitch before the end of the game.

Both sides are fielding enough players to suggest that they still take the competition, or at least the opposition, seriously. Arsenal have opted for their two-footed tackling keeper Aaron Ramsdale rather than their loan trophy David Raya, from Brentford. I’ll certainly take that from what I know and have seen of both keepers.

Hammers need a decent start from the game, and match Arsenal in every department in the first quarter of an hour. Reiss Nelson curls in a free kick nine minutes in, but Fabianski, captain for the evening, is more than a match for Kai Havertz’s brilliant flick, and tips his goalbound attempt over the bar. It’s not a good time to discover that Arsenal are the PL’s most successful side in scoring from corners since the start of last season, managing 18. This next one, however, is met comfortably by the towering Souček who heads it powerfully away to safety.

Hammers have clearly some issue with the Arse, and there are just a handful of victories over them this century. That, and Liverpool away. As I am having this thought, an inswinging corner by Jarrod Bowen is headed firmly past his own keeper Ramsdale by Ben White. Yes, that’s right. The Ramsdale who should have been sent off for that challenge on Jarrod Bowen. Goes around, comes around… Is this the ‘beautiful moment’ Arteta predicted for Declan Rice on his return to London Stadium in an Arsenal shirt’?

Ten minutes later, Rice starts warming up for Arsenal on the touchline, initially greeted by home boos which are soon swamped by an outpouring of nostalgic applause. The miserable Hammers fans may be quicker to notice key events but are thankfully outnumbered by the fans who understand something about decency in football. Worth reflecting on his final West Ham stats perhaps. Played 245 matches, with 226 starts and 15 goals. Oh, and one trophy.

Arsenal enjoy most of the first half possession, but seem profoundly unable to do anything with it. Referee Simon Hooper has words with Souček after a challenge with Ramsdale from another Bowen corner. Souček was clearly ready to lamp the Arsenal keeper, whose collision with the post was probably fair retribution.

The extra effort by Kudus and chasing back by Benrahma show just what a team can do even when they don’t have possession. Arsenal enjoy a few corners and a little space in the midfield, but again seem unable to do anything with it.

The second half provides more West Ham pressure, Bowen put through by Paquetá after just 18 seconds, but Ramsdale claws it away to safety. Then just four minutes later, Hammers get a second, and what a goal it is. From a gentle pass out to him from Álvarez, Aguerd knocks a forty yard pass out to Kudus, who controls the ball expertly with the back of his feet as it lands, setting up a left foot smash into the corner of the net past Ramsdale.

Rice comes on, on 57 minutes, for Jorginho. But it doesn’t help. Just two minutes later Bowen gathers a poorly headed out clearance by Ben White and steadies himself momentarily before cracking it past the hapless Ramsdale. This is the same Ramsdale who is aiming to show Arteta that he was wrong to make new signing Raya Arsenal’s number one keeper. Goes around, comes around…

Now West Ham knock it around and Arsenal can’t get a hand on the ball. Emerson and Coufal link well and Álvarez and Aguerd finally look comfortable together at the back. Even the last kick of the game strike by Ødegaard can’t take the shine off this excellent Hammers’ performance.

Catching the game later again at home, I am delighted to discover that Sky have appointed my old mate Alan Smith as summariser on the commentary team for this evening’s game. For this reason alone, I will now watch the full 90 minutes all over again. It’s a shame to revel in his discomfort, but hearing Smith struggle to retain the necessary neutrality that such a job invariably demands, makes up for the many hours I have spent enduring the undeserved praise he regularly heaps on the Gonners.

For all the statters out there, Arsenal were unbeaten in their last eight games with West Ham, but even with ex-Brighton star Trossard in their ranks, mere history wasn’t enough to force the odds this time.

1 Lucas Fabianski (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanus, 19 Edson Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 23 Thilo Kehrer, 7 James Ward-Prowse

Goalscorers: Ben White (own goal), Mohammed Kudus, Jarrod Bowen

NEW GROUND, OLD RESULT

West Ham 0 Everton 1

There it stands, incomplete, three miles out of the city, with all the hopes of studious and impatient supporters, convinced that success awaits just around the corner. Everton are also building a new ground, this one earmarked for group fixtures in the 2028 UEFA European Championships Finals. So they’d better get on with the construction.

Sean Dyche is also a man captivated by impatience. The dream of instant success is a concept that has generally proved elusive to the many ambitious clubs in the Premier League who are fired by foreign investment and a gaggle of unrealistic supporters, who feel that sullied money is still money. Get on with it!

After their midweek reverse out in Athens, West Ham have reverted to type, and the XI that David Moyes feels most capable of a top six finish in the Premier League. Let’s hope that isn’t the top six London clubs, as there are only seven, and Hammers are only three points from that placement as these words travel from brain cell to electronic print.

In the repeat fixture last season Danny Ings, a desperately late transfer window signing, was making his debut. Late on in the game, as it turned out. An extended tribute of applause was offered to celebrate the lives of Bobby Charlton and Everton chairman Bill Kenwright. Last season it was offered to celebrate the life of Hammers’ joint chairman David Gold which had just been announced.

The rain, which had been constant for about two hours before the match, continued unabated. The game seemed to absorb and reflect the misery of the cold and damp afternoon and reflected the funereal tone throughout.

Apart from the suspended Emerson, this was near to West Ham’s strongest side possible, and yet the performance throughout was below that of Thursday’s effort against Olympiakos. Bowen was off the pace, Antonio looked tired, Kudus was like a mouse being chased by a small army of international sprinters, and Paquetá lost the ball more times than he won it, yelling at the referee so many times that he got booked, and will miss the forthcoming game against Brentford. Aguerd and Álvarez looked as though they had never played together before and Zouma seemed to have consumed a box of amphetamines past their sell-by date. Coufal and Cresswell were earnest, but rarely made any progress against a seasoned and experienced, if less-skilled, Everton defence.

When Everton’s Daniel Day-Lewis finally found a yard of space on the edge of the West Ham penalty area he hit it with My Left Foot. His unchallenged effort in the 51st minute gave Everton the lead in what was a generally miserable and disappointing match. All played badly. When Souček (who had been dropped) came on, a little organisation returned to the side, which was telling, even if it was too late to affect the outcome of the match.

This was the first time West Ham have not scored in a game this season, and the first time they’ve failed to find the net at home since Brentford’s visit in December 2022. So guess who they’re playing next Saturday?

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edison Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 28 Tomas Souček, 18 Danny Ings, 22 Saïd Benrahma

A DIONYSIAN ENCOUNTER

Olympiakos 2 West Ham 1

Arriving at the airport two days before the game, I count 160 people in front of me, and two passport officers on the gate. The first set of stats for this game already look a little one-sided. Add to that the fact that Panathinaikos’ game at Olympiakos last Sunday was abandoned halfway through due to crowd trouble, and the game ahead looks a challenge for the crowd and players alike. Football hooliganism? How very 1980s.

Just a point from the last two league games, and a need for reassurance from a good result in Europe, well it looks like last season all over again. Moyes’ team selection includes Mavropanus, whose brief flirtation with Greek football was as a teenage professional at PAS Giannina, who are currently twelfth out of fourteen in the Greek Super League.

Tonight Moyes has put the captain’s armband on Angelo Ogbonna and the scoring responsibilities on Ings and Kudus. Let’s see how that plays out.

Not very well, it would seem. Hammers have a lot of the early play but it is the old story of the final ball in and an inability to push home any advantage when in possession in the opponents’ half that grates. Also Mavropanus is having a rabbit in headlights’ nightmare. Given the chance as a Greek international to shine in Greece at a top Greek club in front of a bacchanalian crowd, he looks bang average. And this crowd are irresistible, reducing those of Lyon, Frankfurt and Alkmaar into a blurred hallucination.

Then, with very little in terms of real chances from either side, Hammers suddenly fall behind. Fortounis finds himself in momentary space and surprises Ariola with an early and well struck shot that beats him all ends up.

The goal awakens the sleeping Hammers, who immediately force two corners, but despite the promised height of Mavropanus and Ogbonna, Ward Prowse is unable to provide his assist magic of early season, and the set play opportunities go begging. Worse is to happen once injury time approaches, as Ogbonna and Ariola get into a dither over Rodinei’s goalbound effort which creeps in at the back post after neither manages to lay a leg or glove on it. Another look on replay reveals that actually Ogbonna does manage what proves to be a significant touch to send it past Ariola, who was otherwise saving it. (sad face) A couple of goals down at half time will take some coming back from. Why do I still feel optimistic? Not sure. It’s rarely been a feeling that has assisted the team in any genuine way, and I already know I am going to regret having it. The bloody brilliant Greeks. They mess with your mind.

Moyes sticks with the same XI at the start of the second half. Ward Prowse wins a free kick almost immediately. His first chance to hit the back of the net from a set play. He beats the wall and the outstretched fingertips of Paschalakis, but also the goalkeeper’s right hand post, by a whisker.

Bizarrely, however, a desperate but necessary triple substitution of Álvarez, Antonio and Bowen for Fornals, Benrahma and Ings has little effect initially. By 80 minutes events enter the twilight zone of desparation. Cornet comes on to add some pace to the inert forward line. Álvarez is playing supremely well and continues to push West Ham forward. If only he had started.

Out of nowhere appears a delicious controlled volley from Paquetá, with just two minutes left on the clock, from a deflected back spinning skier dropping into his path. Sadly even eight additional minutes don’t help the cause, but at least the game ends in hope.

At the final whistle, in a display of utter childishness, I visualise the scoreboard at London Stadium a fortnight from now, which proudly displays a final score of West Ham 6 Olympiakos 1. And, yes, I still appear to have given them a late consolation goal.

A final post script? The Greek Football League have awarded last weekend’s abandoned spartahoolifest to Panathinaikos, 3-0, and additionally deduct a point from Olympiakos, allowing Panathinaikos to swap places with them at the top of the league. Hoorah!

23 Alphonse Ariola, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 33 Emerson, 7 James Ward-Prowse 15 Konstantinos Mavropanus, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 14 Mohammed Kudus, 18 Danny Ings

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 17 Maxwel Cornet, 19 Edson Álvarez, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Goalscorer: Lucas Paquetá

CHILLER WILLER

Aston Villa 4 West Ham 1

Aston Villa. This is the team that Moyes does not lose to, whenever his teams play at Villa Park. Now I’ve got that fact out of the way, I can set about describing Villa’s first half goal, scored in the 30th minute by Douglas Luiz.

After pounding the Hammers’ goal for the first half hour, Villa break yet again and Diaby finds Watkins who sets up Luiz to have a crack and his fierce low shot goes in via a deflection off first Ward-Prowse diving in and then Aguerd’s outstretched foot. That’s his six in six at Villa Park, so at least we’ve got that out of the way. But check out Areola’s expression. He looks like he has been mugged, and after a couple of brilliant earlier saves, you can hardly blame him.

Hammers finally begin to come into the game, an appeal for a handball and an overhead from Paquetá the best chances in the final ten minutes of the half. Coufal looks good on the break and his assist stats for the season look ripe for further development.

A win today will catapult West Ham up the table, and so an effective second half performance will be necessary. My thought, no doubt paralleled by all West Ham fans in the stadium and watching nationwide, is to bring on Kudus. Defeat this afternoon is not to be imagined.

West Ham and Aston Villa are both in Europe in the same season for the first time since the 1975-76 season, albeit when there was an early exit for Villa from the UEFA Cup playing the Belgium side Royal Antwerp and getting tonked 5-1 on aggregate in the first round. Hammers also lost to Belgium opposition in Europe that season, but in the final of the Cup Winners Cup, also played in Belgium. So blame Tintin.

Despite my optimistic efforts to imagine an equaliser into existence, Hammers are soon 2-0 down, after Álvarez gives away an unnecessary penalty when Paquetá, cornered by Kamara, can only manage a hospital ball back into the danger zone. The foul is on Konsa and Douglas Luiz dispatches his second of the game past Areola. Great.

Thankfully Álvarez soon makes amends at the other end, finding Bowen, whose pot shot clips the ankle of Torres and squeezes inside Martinez’s right hand post. Another deflected effort, but certainly deserved. This is Bowen’s fifth successive away goal, equalling a Premier League record held by Thierry Henri. Bowen is now in the company of football royalty, and there is clearly more to come. Just maybe not in this match.

Now Hammers begin to assert themselves and take control. Antonio’s strength down the right supports Coufal, and just as West Ham look as though they aren’t out of the game, Watkins runs wide of Zouma and rams the ball high into the net past Areola. It’s Aston Villa’s first attack for 15 minutes, so is bound to effect a major gut punch to the metaphorical West Ham stomach.

And yet Hammers don’t surrender, continuing to pummel the Villa goal, prompted by sterling creative efforts from Ward-Prowse from the corner spot position until finally, the storm dissipates. Leon Bailey makes it four at the other end with a neat sidestep and explosive left foot finish. Just before this, Danny Ings comes on, almost unnoticed.

This is Villa’s eleventh straight home win, equalling a club record from 1981, when they last won the league. It’s also their first victory over West Ham in eight and a half years. They are just behind the top two, as Hammers might have been had they managed to win this. West Ham can’t afford to be too bothered about it with a midweek trip to Greece awaiting them, so this one will just have to be put in the bin and forgotten about as soon as possible.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edison Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 14 Mohammed Kudus, 18 Danny Ings, 8 Pablo Fornals,

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen

THE JARROD SONG

West Ham 2 Newcastle United 2

Newcastle United – Saudi money, a great English manager, a fleet of topless, incoherent, corpulent fans descending on your city, the team consistency of a chameleon – what’s not to like? In spite of all of these attributes however, Newcastle find themselves a point below West Ham in the Premier League table.

Like West Ham, Newcastle have suffered expected defeats, on the road against Manchester City and against ten men at home to Liverpool, but unlike their East End distant relatives they were recently turned over 3-1 by Brighton and Hove Albion, the same score that Hammers triumphed by at the Amex back in late August.

So this should be a draw, or perhaps a narrow win for the home side? If only football were that simple. West Ham haven’t beaten this side at home since March 2019 when goals from Mark Noble and Declan Rice clinched the three points. Since then, a mere point, but this afternoon perhaps something better than the 1-5 mauling in April.

Moyes continues to select Michail Antonio ahead of the ever-improving Mohammed Kudus, but it seems likely we’ll see him at some point during the game depending on how the match is progressing.

The climate-compromised October weather bathes the stadium in waves of summer sun, as West Ham kick off attacking the opposing fans’ end, always the best end of the ground to score early in a match. I mention this now because West Ham are ahead inside the first ten minutes. Receiving the ball down the left channel, Emerson is surprised to see the Newcastle keeper Nick Pope advancing towards him and his temporary loss of control surprises each of them, the loose ball evading Pope’s outstretched fingers into the space behind him. Emerson recovers quickest, pulling the ball back across the goal where Tomas Souček is there waiting to tap it into the unguarded net.

And so it continues for most of the first half with Álvarez, Aguerd and Zouma keeping the strike force from getting within a kick of a strike at goal, and Coufal and Emerson keeping sufficient link play out from the back to make the lower possession stats still count for something in the break.

There could have been something in the water over the half-time break, as Hammers open the second half unaccountably on the back foot.

Alexander Isak, whose only attribute from the first half seemed to be his height, suddenly finds the back of the net twice in three minutes, and that cozy, comforting lead is gone. Both goals stem from a loss of possession in the middle of the pitch, the second specifically from a poor decision from the referee, punishing Paquetá, when he is the player who is fouled.

Moyes is suddenly tactically flat-footed, but it still takes him almost a quarter on an hour to bring on Mohammad Kudus, but when he does, the difference is palpable. Kudus may not look much even to the discerning fan’s eye, but there is something about his nuisance value that always makes goals possible.

With a few minutes of injury time beckoning, Kudus grabs a loose ball just outside of the area and after teeing the ball up with his right, fires in a ferocious left footed half-volley which nestles almost instantaneously in the bottom corner of Pope’s net.

Despite a decent amount of injury time, Hammers have to be left with some satisfaction after rescuing a game they had been bossing but in the end seemed to have thrown the towel in on. Probably the most fair result, but we’re not road-testing ‘fair’ today.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edison Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma,, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 18 Danny Ings, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Goalscorers: Tomas Souček, Mohammed Kudus

A WALK IN THE FOREST

SC Freiburg 1 West Ham 2

This was to be the game that no West Ham fan would be able to see in the flesh, thanks to the ‘Stoning of Biraghi’ moment from last June’s Europa Conference League final. As one of the lucky few Hammers’ followers to witness this debacle under lights in a 34,200 capacity stadium, I have already noticed the banners made by Freiburg fans that display the bold messages ‘Football Without Fans Is Nothing,’ and ‘Abolish Collective Punishments.’ Bold messages from the club whose city proudly declares itself, ‘Germany’s Greenest City.’

And what an experience it is. Arriving into Freiburg, I have my passport stamped in Switzerland (Basel), then cross over into France to board my coach which takes me on a 50 minute drive to Freiburg, Germany. Arriving late on the Wednesday evening, I look out of my hotel window first thing the next day to see a giant knoll of green foliage behind the hotel car park, otherwise known as Germany’s ‘Black Forest.’

On such journeys I carry an external drive on a USB stick which has copies of everything from episodes of Danger Man and Mission Impossible from the 1960s to more up to date, if suspect, film material such as ‘Barbie’ and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’

After a day in the Old Town with its beautiful market and historical cathedral I walk the two and a half miles to the ground and grab my tourist half and half souvenir scarf, sold me by a merchant proudly declaring his wares to have been ‘made in the East End of London.’ I bounce the irony back by paying in Euros.

The club afford me the undercover English person comfort and other modern amenities like a choice of vegetarian cuisine, but I meet just three other English people, one a club employee and the other two national UK sports journalists.

Even the behind closed door fixtures have offered noisier support than available to West Ham this evening. It will be interesting to see how they deal with it.

Freiburg open the game more confidently, but in one of their first break away attacks, West Ham, regaled in their second colour all navy strip, take the lead. Bowen is located out on the right by Coufal’s perceptive pass, and his low but cunningly powerful cross travels unchallenged toward the far post where Paquetá meets it with a powerful downward header that rockets spectacularly past Noah Atubolu and up into the roof of the net. The players seem unaware of which corner of the ground to head to for celebration, and so merely group sheepishly around the edge of the six yard box. The explosion of deadly hush that meets the bulging of the net is eerie. Paquetá has the ball in the net again two minutes later but this time is correctly adjudged to have received the ball in an offside position.

Mavropanus and Kehrer, shepherded by this evening’s third different captain of the season, Aguerd, all play powerfully and with increasing confidence as the first half blossoms. Ward-Prowse chases back and makes some important interceptions as West Ham continue to prevent Freiburg from mounting any effective attacks.

My German counterparts have warned me that we are likely to see the arrival of their Japanese secret weapon number 42 Ritsu Doan and, sure enough, he comes on in the second half for the struggling Adamu. Within four minutes his nagging presence on the right prompts Freiburg’s equaliser, a first shot saved brilliantly by Fabianski, a second blocked on the line and the third rammed gleefully home off the underside of the crossbar by Roland Sallai.

West Ham don’t panic though, and calming the rejuvenating surge from the home side, fed by their bouncing home crowd and their buoyant conductor at the front of the terrace waving his hands in furious ecstasy, set about the task of regaining the upper hand. On 66 minutes and after a rare foray into the opposition’s half, Ward-Prowse hits another high inswinging corner that Aguerd leaps elegantly to meet full on the bonce to restore the Londoners’ lead. In the diametrically opposite corner to their goal earlier in the game, the players huddle together away from the potential incitement of the unequivocally partisan crowd.

Even with nearly half an hour remaining, Freiburg are noticeably winded by the goal, and though they manage a bright patch ten minutes from time, Hammers hold on to record a second Europa League victory, David Moyes’ 17th successive unbeaten fixture in Europe, another ‘Great Scot!’ moment. Moyes has now overtaken managerial records held by Bill Nicholson, Don Revie and Pep Guardiola, some decent company to be amongst. His opposite number tonight, Christian Streich, manager at the club for an impressive eleven years, cuts an intellectual figure against the often prosaic managerial heads in this competition, and speaks his thoughtful position with insight afterwards at the press conference.

As for the ‘missing West Ham fans,’ it becomes a story written and hosted by the great German radio journalist Sebastian Bargon, an impressive and renowned commentator who continues the line so eloquently supported by fans of both Bayern Munich and the great SC Freiburg FC.

See you guys at the London Stadium in December!

1 Lucas Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward-Prowse 15 Konstantinos Mavropanus, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 33 Emerson, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Maxwell Cornet, 18 Danny Ings

Goalscorers: Lucas Pacquetá, Nayef Aguerd

EIGHT DAYS A WEEK

West Ham 2 Sheffield United 0

Sheffield United have just suffered an 0-8 drubbing at the hands of the Newcastle Saudis, so they might not be the side anyone would want to meet so soon after such a mauling. An injured animal is dangerous, after all. The last time West Ham played Sheffield United in a Premier League match at home was in February 2021 when they won 3-0 with goals from Rice, Diop and Fredericks, who have all since left the club.  Only the two bouncy Czechs and Jarrod Bowen remain at the kick-off from that starting XI this afternoon.

West Ham line up in a 4-1-4-1 formation, Areola, Álvaraz and Antonio the A’Grade loners in the line-up (though Aguerd may feel lucky to have missed out). Bowen has four goals in six games, which is quite an achievement. Will he add to his tally today?

After five minutes Bowen turns goal provider from the right with a cross that Souček manages to turn over the bar from close in. Beyond frustrating. After quarter of an hour, Paquetá’s mazy run earns a Ward-Prowse corner which Bowen sees superbly saved by Foderingham, only for Aguerd’s instinctive rebound header to be headed off the line by Luke Thomas.

Ten minutes later the Sheffield defence is finally breached when a fabulous move involving Souček and Coufal ends with Bowen stroking the ball home. No one in the Sheffield side can be blamed for that, and it’s another goal for Jarrod Bowen. A further ten minutes on and it’s two, after a loose ball is pounced upon by Emerson who finds Antonio, and his measured pass hits the stride of Souček, who gently dispatches it like an unforgiving neuro-surgeon.

The second half does not provide the goals that the first suggested it might, and Sheffield United bring out a couple of decent saves from Areola, but their end stats show a side who have lost six out of seven of their last games, and it’s an uncomplicated and routine win for the Hammers.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edison Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma,, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 14 Mohammed Kudus, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 15 Dinos Pavrapolous, 8 Pablo Fornals,

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen, Tomas Souček

 

LINCOLN TAKE THE BISCUIT

Lincoln City 0 West Ham 1

Tonight’s Carabao Cup Third Round fixture pits West Ham against Lincoln City, a team that they have only met once in any competitive fixture in the last 75 years. November 1982 was the last time they came together, also in the League Cup, away in the third round. West Ham were then in the top flight and Lincoln were in the third tier, as they both are today.

The fixture in 1982 finished 1-1, an early goal from Paul Goddard seemingly enough to get the Hammers through until Derek Bell nodded in Phil Turner’s free kick eight minutes from time after a sustained siege on Phil Parkes’ goal. The attendance of 13,899  was Lincoln’s best for a decade. West Ham were third in the league at this time, and had to replay the fixture two and a half weeks later at home.

On that occasion it again finished 1-1 after 90 minutes, Ray Stewart surprisingly recording a rare missed penalty, though he netted the rebound on this occasion. Lincoln’s equaliser that evening was an own goal by Sandy Clark thirteen minutes from time, deflecting George Shipley’s cross into his own net.

That night Clark was to make amends at Upton Park by netting an extra time winner in the 116th minute, and West Ham went on to meet Notts County in the next round, eventually put out by Liverpool in the quarter-finals, the team who had beaten them at Villa Park in the final of the same competition just two years earlier following a draw at Wembley.

Tonight there are 10,168 in attendance, and nearly 2,000 of those are travelling Hammers’ fans. West Ham start well, but Danny Ings misses an early opportunity with only the keeper to beat. At the other end Fabianski saves superbly from Reeco Hackett-Fairchild’s header. Just before half-time Ings misses another excellent scoring opportunity.

West Ham continue to look dangerous in the break in the second half, and twenty minutes from time an excellent corner from Ward-Prowse is drilled home from the centre of the goal by Tomas Souček. Ben Johnson then beats Lukas Jensen with a powerful right-footed shot only to see his effort come back off the post.

Dylan Duffy then forces another brilliant save from Fabianski after Álvarez’s uncharacteristic loose ball, but it is Kudus who has the last genuine chance only to see his effort turned round the post by Jensen. West Ham’s reward for the narrow victory is a fifth round home tie against Arsenal, a game in which Hammer of the Year Declan Rice may well not feature.

1 Lucas Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanus, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 33 Emerson, 9 Michail Antonio, 28 Tomas Souček

Goalscorer: Tomas Souček

DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF FEET

Liverpool 3 West Ham 1

Little rebirths, we might call them. I have had several. Moments when I decide, against my better judgement, that this year I will go to Anfield, as I few we might get a result there. By ‘result,’ I don’t necessarily mean a victory. Let’s face it, they have made a pretty good start to this season themselves. I think a score draw would be immensely satisfying.

Okay, West Ham lost to Manchester City at home last weekend. But that single defeat as we approach October should bring hope to our hearts. It certainly does to mine, which is why I am enduring a late night slow journey northwards the night before the game.

As it transpires, the route north has been hijacked by a mysterious bout of engineering works that have forced the train to travel up via Northampton. Further delays mean that it takes over an hour longer than it should, and it is delayed by a further twenty minutes, into the bargain. A tedious, but not insurmountable challenge.

The game takes place in the 2 – 4pm slot, not at the behest of Sky for a live transmission, but because both teams have been in action in the Europa League on Thursday. Both won their games 3-1 after falling behind.

West Ham stick to the same starting XI that ran Manchester City close last weekend, and begin confidently, Souček and Antonio coming close in the initial five frantic minutes’ action. On the quarter hour West Ham are still passing with confidence and élan, when James Ward-Prowse loses possession and Liverpool fashion their first break. After an interplay of passes, Mohammed Salah roams loose in the area past Nayef Aguerd, who fells him like a towering redwood. Penalty. Salah slots home.

But there is much to commend in the Hammers’ work ethic and passing finesse. Antonio, who has thrown bold claims into the media ether by claiming that West Han could finish the season above Liverpool, is powerful and difficult to dispossess once he picks up the passes down the channels. Álvarez is majestic in front of the defence and Liverpool are once again momentarily tamed. Then three minutes from half-time Hammers are rewarded for their neat and disciplined attacking approach play when Coufal hits in a low cross that Bowen gets an angled head to, steering it into the corner of the net via the far post like a long red hit gently into the bottom pocket at the Sheffield Crucible.

The second half offers more opportunities for this bold West Ham side. The next two are both missed by Jarrod Bowen, one in particular from an inswinging Ward-Prowse corner that he will have been disappointed not to have buried.

Then, on the hour, Darwin Núñez flicks out a loose boot at MacAllister’s delicious chip over the Hammers’ defence to send the ball past Areola. Hammers push harder for their second equaliser and, after Paquetá has waved for a replacement after feeing his ham growing taut, they lose concentration at a corner five minutes from time and Diogo Jota flicks home a third. I groan into what is left of my packet of strong mints. A long journey home awaits, with no points to assuage the hours of queuing and battling across track crossings of weekend engineering works.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edison Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma,, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen

SERBS YOU RIGHT

West Ham 3 Bačka Topola 1

As West Ham embark upon their third successive year in Europe, the word ‘routine’ slips effortlessly into the report lexicon, with an awareness that some of the opposition faced in any given season may well prove unknown beyond swift thumb scrolls through featureless European football websites.

So it is with TSC Bačka Topola (pronounced ‘Baashka’) of Serbia, who play their football just 50km from the Hungarian border. Rumours abound that their neighbour’s leader Viktor Orbán has poured private funds into this club that coincide with their recent success in European competition qualification, including a near miss defeat at the hands of FCSB in a September 2020 game that finished 6-6 and in which they were finally beaten 5-4 on penalties. Red Star and Partizan Belgrade are the two Serbian giants who might be expected to provide any Serbian opposition that a European team would encounter in a UEFA competitive fixture. But not this evening.

The travelling away fans could have travelled to the game in a single double decker bus. The sight of the total away section covered by a featureless roll of black tarpaulin therefore takes something of the oomph out of Hammers’ first competitive challenge of the new European campaign.

What goes on in front of us is a quite different matter. Bačka Topola play slick and swift football at the back in their own half, where they spend most of the first forty-five minutes, and the much-changed West Ham side are unable to get any kind of meaningful foothold on the game for much of the first half. The closest they come to scoring is when a Ward-Prowse free kick is deflected millimetres over the visitor’s crossbar.

In the second half – a rare slip from Angelo Ogbonna on a pitch still slippery after the pre-match thundershower lets in Petar Stanic who bears purposefully down on goal before firing the ball past Fabianski. West Ham’s deposed ex-Premier looks majorly miffed as fetching the item from his net is about the first thing he’s had to do this evening.

Thankfully the goal seems to have woken up the slumbering East End giants, and once Michail Antonio comes on to replace Pablo Fornals, the goal action commences. First Mohammed Kudus rises at the far post to make limited but purposeful contact on Benrahma’s cross for the equaliser. The Ghanaian then hits his second just four minutes later with a more definitive header from James Ward-Prowse’s delivery. A two goal gap is established seven minutes later when the substitute Tomas Souček meets a Ward-Prowse corner definitively and powerfully at the near post. Those assists will keep on coming, and though Declan Rice may be satisfying his Champions League ambitions up the road at the Emirates, West Ham have also taken firm steps tonight to top their group early on in this European campaign.

1 Lucas Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 15 Konstantinos Mavropanus, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Substitutes: 33 Emerson, 9 Michail Antonio, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Maxwell Cornet

Goalscorers: Mohammed Kudus (2), Tomas Souček

EUROPEAN DOGFIGHT

West Ham 1 Manchester City 3

It’s the game even UEFA couldn’t organise. The UEFA European Conference League champions take on the UEFA Champions League winners. At London Stadium.

City come out of the traps like some feral American half breeds, and it takes Hammers about ten minutes just to slow them down to a pace where they can keep up with them. Areola is proving unviolatable with flung hands and flying saves, keeping out efforts from Silva and Haaland, with defenders guarding the posts whenever they sneak efforts beyond him.

As City push further and further up the pitch, so West Ham focus their passing into opposite spaces left and right, and it’s from one of these down the right that Coufal hits in a skimming cross a couple of feet off the ground that Ward-Prowse meets full on with a diving header beyond the sprawling Edison. The crowd go mad in disbelief at the success of the game plan, more so when the whistle goes for half time just ten minutes later.

I spend the break grabbing a tea, a veggie pie and a chocolate baked cookie. Food never tasted so good on the stomach of a half time lead over the best team in Europe. Second best. The conversation whirls in hushed half tones as the possibility of finishing the evening on top of the table above City hovers dangerously close.

Forty-six seconds into the second half and Jérémy Doku has cut into the area past Coufal and planted the ball into the corner of the net. The heads drop momentarily as moments from last season stutter uncomfortably into view. But we are awake again ten minutes later as Antonio is put through on goal, destined to restore the lead. Can I believe my eyes when he shoots straight at the keeper who beats the ball away to safety. A few minutes later and Ward-Prowse is pinging in a corner from the left which Zouma rises highest to head goalwards only to watch in disbelief as Edison beats the ball round the post with spectacular agility.

And that’s as close as West Ham get to restoring their earlier lead… City now have the shit between their teeth and are galvanising their talent in an assault on Areola’s goal. He watches curiously as a free kick pings off his crossbar, then he flies full length to keep out a Silva effort. He is finally beaten when Silva creeps round the back of the defence to outwit Aguerd and lob the ball over Areola. Hammers are now committing more players forward and eight minutes before time a cunning cross from the right finds Haaland at the far post who slots home.

Gone are the days where Hammers’ fans would hear the expressions ‘free hit’ about such a game, or where conceding four or five goals would be accepted. Things have changed, and Hammers can feel reasonably satisfied to have only lost to City this season. The visit to Liverpool next weekend will confirm whether or not this summary is justified.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edison Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings, 14 Mohammed Kudus

Goalscorer: James Ward-Prowse

NOT SO SMALL AFTER ALL

Luton Town 1 West Ham 2

West Ham were the last team to win at Kenilworth Road when Luton Town were in the top flight of English football. That was a 1-0 victory in January 1992, the goal scored by ex-Brighton favourite Mike Small. Luton then went on a great home run winning five and drawing three of their remaining eight home fixtures. But it wasn’t enough. They were relegated with 42 points (two more than West Ham managed last season) with Coventry City two places above them on 44, but with a vastly superior goal difference.

If we could crystal ball now, it would be interesting to see how they perform now as opposed to then. West Ham went down with them at the end of that final pre-Premier League season with Notts County on 38 and 40 points respectively, totals that would have seen them escape relegation in 2022-23. Notts County, one of the original founders of the football league in 1888, have of course rejoined the league this season after four seasons in the Conference. Football, eh? Bloody hell.

Tonight is Luton’s first game at home in the Premier League after failing to get their ground ready for the fixture against Burnley a fortnight ago. And it’s on Sky. They are up against a rejuvenated and tricky footballing outfit playing some of the best football their fans have seen for several decades. What else could go wrong for the ‘Hatters’?

If the few hundred travelling fans needed any reminder of what it was like playing in a ground where you can feel fans’ breath on your ankles every time you take a throw in, then they’re having it this evening. Luton have played here through thin and thinner, hosting Chelsea in the FA Cup two seasons ago and the likes of Hyde and Salisbury City in the 2013-14 season when they won promotion back into the football league.

Tonight they initially look just pleased to be here, but they hold Hammers for the first twenty minutes, playing confidently out of defence and keeping Paquetá’s creative genius at bay. Reece Burke and Ross Barkley need no introduction, and for the first half hour it looks as though West Ham might have a game on their hands. Ten minutes before half-time the run of play begins to suggest different things and Paquetá’s pinpoint cross threaded across the Luton defence reaches the head of Jarrod Bowen, and though he heads it straight at Thomas Kaminski, the Belgian keeper can only parry it into his own net with the power of the header. I recall David Coleman’s commentary from the 1976 FA Cup Final…. ‘Right through Peter Mellor.’

The second half features more confident football for the league leaders, with Álvarez playing quite brilliantly in Declan Rice’s old position. Zouma seems to be relishing his unexpected appointment as the new West Ham United captain, and marshalls the defence with confidence and aplomb. He steps up a shade five minutes from time when he gets his head on a James Ward-Prowse corner to open up a two goal lead for the Hammers. Even though Mads Andersen pulls one back for Luton in injury time and they almost secure a penalty from a late inswinging corner which hits Ward-Prowse on the arm and bounces away to safety despite the shrieks from Luton’s aggrieved forwards, 

West Ham are secure at the end. Top of the league and playing football the West Ham way, none of the travelling fans dares shout David Moyes’ name other than in buoyant celebration.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 19 Edison Álvarez, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma,, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings, 14 Mohammed Kudus

UNLUCKY THIRTEENTH

Brighton 1 West Ham 3

To be facing Brighton and Hove Albion for any fixture in the last eleven years, has meant only one thing for West Ham United. A point at best. So a thirteenth top flight game wasn’t ever going to be unlucky for them. When it comes to facing Brighton in the Premier League, they have never had any luck.

So after somehow beating Chelsea with only ten men, the news that Brighton manager Roberto De Zerbi has refused David Moyes a pre-match request to start the game with fifteen players, promotes pessimistic groans around the terraces.

However, early runs from Bowen and Antonio raise the speckles on the back of many a freckled fan’s neck, and when Antonio holds off his marker down the left channel after being freed there by Ward Prowse, his return pass picks out the midfielder, whose run has put him in the perfect position to gather the ball, beat the remaining defender and slot the loose ball home. An unlikely but welcome lead inside twenty minutes.

Whilst Areola doesn’t command the reputational respect that Fabianski does, he seems to have quickly taken on the responsibilities and area command of a first choice premier league goalkeeper. He is called into action several times in the first half, but never looks likely to concede.

West Ham played Brighton in their final away game of the 2021-22 season, needing a win for Europa League qualification, and on that afternoon also went in at half time a goal up. So no one is getting too excited. Yet.

Within a quarter of an hour of the restart it’s two. The ball from Saïd Benrahma that finds Bowen, who has made a fifty yard sprint to reach it, is almost as sublime as the three touches it takes Bowen to deposit it in the far corner of the net beyond Bart Verbruggen.

As good a goal as you are likely to see this side of Christmas. Even as I write this I am predicting that Brighton, who have had 78% possession in this game thus far, will chalk up three late goals to nab the points.

But what’s this, just five minutes later? Another piece of muscle work in the area and Antonio outruns Aaron Webster before hitting a neat power drive into the bottom corner.

He is in the right position just a few minutes later to make it four, but this time his shot is blocked by a grateful Verbruggen.

At the other end, Areola is proving adept and aware, keeping out shots and headers from the frustrated Brighton front line, that Fabianski must be watching with a combination of admiration and frustration. Areola is eventually beaten by Pascal Gross’ cross cum shot nine minutes from time through a crowd of players who have unwittingly unsighted him.

And there it is. At the thirteen time of trying in the Premier League, West Ham United have finally beaten Brighton and Hove Albion, preserving their unbeaten start to the season and their place at the top of the table.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma,, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 19 Edison Álvarez, 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings

Goalscorers: James Ward Prowse, Jarrod Bowen, Michail Antonio

DECLAN WHO?

West Ham 3 Chelsea 1

Sometimes before a season truly starts, there is a moment’s reflection when the fan may wonder what it holds for them and their team. This moment hovered menacingly in the air before today’s game against Chelsea FC. The away point at Bournemouth could be secured in any of the last three seasons. This home fixture against a billion pound gut-busting and possibly both overpriced and overrated Chelsea team was more likely to tell an unmitigated truth.

The gentle misery of a World Cup Final defeat for England’s women’s team did not start the day well. On arrival at London Stadium I did notice that the few televisions that were on were following Norwich City against Millwall, the half time score of 1-0 indicating that the canaries had put a coal mine around the other Lions playing football today. Clearly not a day to be a footballing member of the Lion family.

West Ham’s two newest players, James Ward-Prowse and Edson Álvarez, were both in a position to make their debuts for the team, Ward-Prowse from the start and Álvarez on the hour, we are reliably informed.

Chelsea’s most impressive signing over the season break was undoubtedly Pochettino, a manager who had almost achieved the impossible task of turning Tottenham Hotspur into a decent team. Chelsea, however, are without a spoke blocking equivalent to Daniel Levy, so ‘Poccho’ might do what many before him have failed to do at Stamford Bridge now their Russian ‘special uncle’ has taken in the task of rescuing the many yachts he has around the world from being impounded.

West Ham start the game on the front foot, having only lost at home to Chelsea once at London Stadium, in April 2021. It’s one of the few home London derbies that Hammers have come to look forward to, especially when the cameras are here, as they are this afternoon. Ward-Prowse, a dead ball specialist has his first challenge of the game when the Hammers grab a corner in the fifth minute. He curls it in to the far post left-footed but Chelsea scramble it away for a second corner after a clawing save from Sánchez. The second is an almost duplicate effort, unpredictable in its predictability, and Nayef Aguerd leaps like, yes, a salmon to head West Ham into a seventh minute lead. Ward-Prowse is congratulated by his new team members including Aguerd, whose final home goal proved the winner in last season’s fixture against Southampton. Ward-Prowse was on hand that day, looking on in a Southampton shirt as his side began to contemplate the unthinkable drop. Aguerd can therefore possibly claim a long-shot connection to bringing Ward-Prowse north to East London.

Chelsea take twenty minutes to find an equaliser after Chilwell’s run down the left finds Carney Chukwuemeka, who picks up Zouma’s failed clearance and hammers the ball home from close in. Chelsea have most of the play in the first half, and should take the lead on half-time when Souček appears to floor Stirling. The VAR process takes forever, which fortunately puts off World Cup winner Enzo Fernández, whose shot down the middle allows Areola saves his first ever PL penalty after failing to save 8/8. Fernandez has never scored in the Premier League. Still hasn’t. Something had to give, but it wasn’t the resistance of a bulging net.

The second half promises trepidation, but it only comes the way of Chelsea. Michail Antonio finds himself free of the defence after a precise through ball by Ward-Prowse and, shrugging off his marker Axel Disasi, hits an unstoppable shot from wide on the right to restore the Hammers’ lead. Sánchez has a clear view of the shot, but the sheer power behind it gives him no chance. West Ham went through the whole of the 2022-23 season without a red card but they collect one in their very first home game, twenty minutes in the second half, when Aguerd throws himself at a loose ball arising from a Ward-Prowse misplaced pass, and takes Nicolas Jackson out of the game. It is a tackle that has no place in a sensible game of football, and as he already has a yellow from the first half, he is off.

Bizarrely West Ham, who have enjoyed barely a quarter of the possession in this game, up the ante, and with Ogbonna on to focus on protecting the lead, still manage to forge attacks late in the game and, deep into injury time, with Chelsea pushing up for the equaliser Madueke tumbles over in possession, leaving Emerson and Paquetá free to attack down the left side where they interchange neat passes to give Emerson a shot on goal before he is upended by a hundred million pounds worth of Chelsea footballer in Moisés Caicedo. Paquetá strolls up in staggering movements to slot the ball home for his first goal of the season, from the penalty spot, and with barely enough time to kick off, it’s going to be a fabulous night in the East End of London.

A game of two penalties, you might say, but I see it as a game that was finally decided by the power of Michail Antonio’s shooting. If that returns, this promises to be a magnificent season.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 7 James Ward Prowse, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma,, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 19 Edison Álvarez,, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 8 Pablo Fornals

Goalscorers: Nayef Aguerd, Michail Antonio, Lucas Paquetá

START THE WAY YOU MEAN TO FINISH

Bournemouth 1 West Ham 1

Bowen ended West Ham’s season with the winning goal in the European Conference League Final in Prague in June 2023. Two months later and he is opening the 2023-24 season with the first goal of the game. Perhaps the strangest thing about this stat is the underpin that the side Moyes has put out this afternoon shows just one change from the side that won the Conference League a couple of months ago, Pablo Fornals in for Vladimir Coufal. Whilst it’s hard to see Fornals fulfilling the role of right or wing back, it’s an attacking change that starts Hammers with a positive focus for their first match of the season away from London Stadium.

It’s the second season in a row that West Ham have been relieved of the need to man mark Callum Wilson, now the bogeyman is scoring against them for Newcastle and not Bournemouth. The psychological change of hearing forty thousand fans screaming your name rather than just eight must have led the striker to spend several hours on Geordie shrinks’ couches in addition to checks for earlier signs of tinnitus than a man of his age should have to endure.

The tedium of transfer speculation around David Moyes and West Ham in the close season has not abated, in spite of the certainty that genuine signing opportunities have only ever materialised in the final weeks of August once the season has started. These cold turkey merchants have filled Twitter screens with their speculative rants for nearly eight weeks, whilst the sane and the overburdened amongst us have enjoyed the summer break on scalded Mediterranean beaches or skimming stones from sewage encrusted river banks.

If a team had to start this Premier League season away from home, this is as preferred a venue as any, a stadium set in a park with a capacity of 11,000. Jarrod Bowen marks it as the first site of his season’s tally when he volleys home spectacularly from the edge of the area in the 36th minute.

Bournemouth aren’t going to take this lying down, nor should they. Solanke draws a decent save from Areola early in the second half, having wriggled free of Aguerd’s attentions, and then Joe Rothwell hits a glorious effort from just outside the area which beats Areola, but pings off the top of the crossbar and away to safety. Then eight minutes from time they grab their equaliser when the substitute Semenyo’s half-blocked shot runs kindly into the path of Solanke who slots it home from a tight angle.

There is still enough time for Ings to misplace his shot from wide on the right after Paquetá’s neat through ball, and then his late header from Emerson’s cross comes out back into play for Paquetá, whose clean shot bounces off the foot of the post with the keeper beaten. Hammers will consider themselves a little unfortunate to have not got all three points.

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 23 Thilo Kehrer, 21 Angelo Ogbonna

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen