Match reports 2022/23

VAR FINALLY SHINES

ACF Fiorentina 1 West Ham United 2

My mate John and I booked our British Airways return flights to Prague to attend this final at the beginning of August 2022, a week or so before West Ham took part in their qualifying fixtures in the Europa Conference League. I found an excellent and competitively priced hotel and booked that, too.

Around ten months later and West Ham are preparing to take on the Italian club Fiorentina, a club they previously faced in the 1975-76 season in the short-lived two-legged Anglo-Italian Cup Winners Cup Final. On that occasion, West Ham lost both legs of the competition fixture 1-0, whilst nevertheless reaching the actual European Cup Winners Cup final. They also lost that game 4-2 on that disappointing occasion to Anderlecht. This season’s competition set them up against Anderlecht again, at the group stage, but this time they won the fixtures 1-0, home and away. This sleight of results hand suggests a victory in the final. We shall see.

Paquetá rolls the pass through to Bowen like a perfectly weighted putt on the last green at the Open. With the element of control taken out of the equation, Bowen takes a touch before lifting the ball over Terraciano who, though he flicks a hand at it, cannot prevent its perfect trajectory from taking it firmly into the back of the net. A look at the watch confirms that this is a goal scored in the 90th minute. It isn’t difficult to sense the collective head drop from the Fiorentina players, whose heads must have all been on the journey into extra time mode.

Thanks to Twitter we are able to share this experience intimately with the club and players in a way that would have been impossible in 1965. Memories of the experience down to what we said, how we looked and what Prague was like will be recoverable in all its East End glory forever. How perfect is that?

Scamacca, though, the forgotten man, L’uomo dimenticato… will be amongst the many disappointed Italians tonight…

13 Alphonse Areola, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 23 Thilo Kehrer, 8 Pablo Fornals, 21 Angelo Ogbonna

Goalscorers: Saïd Benrahma, Jarrod Bowen

SEASON PETERS OUT

Leicester City 2 West Ham 1

Once it became obvious that West Ham were only going to be relegated if they were docked points for continuing to show an interest in Jesse Lingard, this game was what could politely be termed a ‘dead rubber.’

Okay, so it’s not much of an achievement to be the cannon fodder for a team’s last hoorah before slipping into the Championship just seven years after winning the Premier League, but there you are. We’re West Ham. We are known to occasionally do that schitt.

It is also probably the last time that Declan Rice will don a Hammers’ shirt in a Premier League fixture, so again not a game that you would spend your hard-earned on in pursuit of witnessing an away point of three. Because there are no points heading the way of East London this afternoon. I promise you.

As if to add sauce to my goose’s gander, Harvey Barnes sends Dean Smith’s Leicester City in at half-time with a single goal advantage, scoring in the 34th minute to put Leicester on a potential 34 point haul for the season. Everton are drawing 0-0 at home to Bournemouth, so they will also finish the season with 34 points if things stay that way. Roughly translated, that means a West Ham defeat, should it occur, will send Everton down, as their goal difference is Boris Johnson to Leicester’s Winston Churchill. West Ham have failed to trouble the scorers in either effort or goal opportunities, their minds clearly already in the airport lounge in Prague.

The second half begins with the Leicester fans in full ‘we are staying up!’ voice, the cornucopic stream of blue flags aloft against the blue midlands’ sky. On a rare foray into the Leicester half, West Ham grab a corner from which Johnny Evans comes tragically close to heading into his own net, but for now the tragedy is averted.

Just a few minutes later, in the parallel relegation-obsessed footballing universe that is Goodison Park, Abdoulaye Doucouré has scored a goal that could save an unelevated Everton, yet again, from becoming a pile of Premier League’s last day droppings. Weirdly, this Everton Bournemouth last day fixture is an identical team match to that of 2020-21, when Scott Parker’s team were relegated despite winning the game 3-1. They came back straight away of course, but without him. Sean Dyche may well prove to be the relieved man on this occasion.

just five minutes later in the 62nd minute Wout Faes’ first-ever goal for Leicester, a header from Youri Tielemans’ corner, is only of use to his team if it can somehow be transferred to the back of Everton’s net 80 miles up the M6. Some things are clearly not as likely as others. Pablo Fornals, whose wedding is taking place a couple of days after the Europa Conference League final, takes advantage of the lull in vocal support for Leicester to grab a goal back for the Hammers ten minutes from time…

but with their fate in others’ hands, Leicester play out the last moments of their Premier League life against the background noise of stadium seats slapping into an upright position in preparation for Championship football next season.

1 Lucas Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 14 Maxwell Cornet

Goalscorer: Pablo Fornals (still single)

SAM THE SHAM

West Ham 3 Leeds United 1

The vision of the then West Ham manager Sam Allardyce laughing on the touchline at Swansea defender Chico Flores’ staged histrionics, is something that will stay with Hammers’ fans forever. Whether, nine years on, Allardyce will manipulate his funny bone again to the same extent at London Stadium remains to be seen. The perennial relegation ducker has taken on the short term potential money spin of saving Leeds United from the Championship after two seasons back in the top flight. He has two games remaining of the four he faced on appointment, having since secured a home point against Champions League contenders Newcastle and a narrow 2-1 defeat at Manchester City. Realistically he will need at least a point today and victory over Tottenham at home next Sunday. The only thing standing in his way appears to be a decision to refer to himself in press conferences as ‘we’. Quite whether this is indicative of royal pretensions or simply an ambitious over-keenness to identify himself with the club is not yet clear. After this afternoon’s game we will have a better perspective.

And it starts so well for Leeds, who clearly have to win this afternoon’s game at a canter as well as hope that the Evertons, the Southamptons and the Leicesters all fall foul of their opposition in the next ninety minutes.Jack Harrison goes close early on with a well timed volley from a right wing cross that Fabianski smothers. Then, just 17 minutes in, a ballooning long throw on from the left from Weston McKennie is headed into the path of Roderigo, who volleys the ball high into the net. Big Sam gets up out of his seat like a wobbly pensioner grabbing a cheap film ticket out of the hands of the cinema usher on a Tuesday lunchtime.

Declan Rice has been once again elected Hammer of the Year by the supporters club, and receives his award before the game, possibly his last at home for the club before he joins Arsenal or Manchester City. He improves his day somewhat by arriving timely at the far post to volley in Bowen’s cross that evades half of the players on the pitch before reaching his trusty right foot. There is still enough time for Patrick Bamford to get his customary injury whenever starting a game, and he hobbles off in disappointment just after the half hour. Both sides retire to the dressing room at half time, with Hammers almost certainly the more grateful to still be in the game.

The second half sees Leeds shunted out of the picture whilst West Ham employ attack as the best form of defence, and Bowen escapes the momentary challenge of VAR to slip the ball past Menier into the corner of the net to finally put Hammers into the lead with 20 minutes to go. Although Leeds test Fabianski with a couple of breakaway opportunities, a late darting run from Paquetá sets up an injury time opportunity for Manuel Lanzini, who slots home to guarantee three points for the Hammers, forty points for the campaign, and to sentence Leeds to a nervous final Sunday of the season for the second year in succession. Could two of today’s home scorers possibly be seeing the inside of this ground as West Ham players for the final time?

1 Lucas’s Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 14 Maxwell Cornet

Goalscorers: Declan Rice, Jarrod Bowen, Manuel Lanzini

PRAGUE AWAITS

AZ Alkmaar 0 West Ham 1

This would prove a memorable night in so many ways for me, after following this club, and its legacy, around for over half a century.

13 Alphonse Areola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 28 Tomas Souček, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings, 12 Flynn Downes

Goalscorer: Pablo Fornals

GUNMAN ACTING ALONE

West Ham 1 Manchester United 0

It was interesting to see this evening’s pre-match guest of honour was Clyde Best, a West Ham striker from the 70s who played more than once in sides that beat Manchester United at Upton Park, even with Law, Best and Charlton in their ranks. That set me thinking about the number of times West Ham have defied the odds to overcome supposed giants in the English Football League.

Recovered from their bout of the midweek gastros, Rice, Aguerd and Souček are returned. So far so good. Manchester United, like Spurs, have developed an awkward tendency to lose games that might have been certain victories at the beginning of March. And yet both of these teams would have us believe that they are shoe ins for one of the two Champions League places for next season that won’t be filled by Arsenal or Manchester City.

The first fifteen minutes pass without threat to either goal, and the cynics are already tutting that it might be a third league defeat in three. I have noticed, however, that each player in tonight’s XI is pulling their weight, and that Hammers look more than comfortable against this team that knocked them out of the FA Cup way back when.

Now comes the moment in the game to liven things up a little. Rice wins the ball in midfield and lays it off left to Benrahma whose accurate stroked pass towards the right of De Gea unaccountably skips gently past his despairing, outstretched hand and into the corner of the net. 1-0. I look to the referee to be holding his earpiece while some Man United fan from Stockley Park screams obscenities down the line at him. But it doesn’t happen.

Then in first half injury time Lindelöf, on loan from the Harlem Globetrotters, sets off from inside the penalty area,bouncing the ball away from Bowen’s feet to safety. And how is that not a penalty? Referee Klutz waves away protests and blows the whistle for half time.

The second half avalanche of pressure from a team hunting down Champions League qualification does not come. Time and again West Ham resist the pressure of United’s overpaid stars, and Benrahma looks increasingly like someone who may individually shape the success of West Ham’s season, turning with feigns and twists to keep possession and seek out Antonio and Bowen in spaces behind the Manchester defence.

Moyes holds stubbornly fast on the eleven players on the pitch, only making three out of four of his substitutions deep into the eight minutes of Fergie time to carve back the necessary seconds and shift his tired team towards the final whistle. When it comes, there are yells and whoops of delight all around the ground. This will prove a massively important victory in the whole scheme of things for this difficult season, one suspects.

With the first leg of the semi-final of the European Conference League this Thursday, the West Ham team have understandably spreadeagled their minds across the two competitions that will determine their season in the final analysis, but moving seven points clear of the drop after today’s result can only help divert the focus to European success in June.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes:,  8 Pablo Fornals, 2 Ben Johnson, 12 Flynn Downes, 33 Emerson

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma

GUARD OF DISHONOUR

Manchester City 3 West Ham 0

A set piece, a break away and a wicked deflection. Not the way I would want my side to go back to the top of the Premier League. Still, any bottle of port in a storm.

City look a little nervous at the beginning of the game, knowing only a win can return them to first place in the PL. There is also the small matter of Erling Haaland’s assault on the 25 year-plus record of Alan Shearer and Andy Cole’s 34 PL goals in a season. Haaland needs just one strike tonight, but Angelo Ogbonna and Vladimir Coufal’s stirling efforts in defence this half look likely to deny his achieving it tonight.

Moyes has set his side up to play the way they have done in recent 1-0 defeats at Liverpool and Manchester United, a policy that is only likely to ever extract a single point from any given game. The point would be welcome tonight, of course, but as an approach it looks unlikely to challenge the impressive stat that Moyes has not won an away fixture at the grounds of any of the top six sides in the PL in over 400 attempts as manager. Even were they to grab a point tonight the achievement is unlikely to rescue Moyes from the P45 waiting on his dressing room table after the final game of the season. That fixture may well prove to be a game in early June in the Czech Republic, but a P45 is a P45, however hard you try to find a piece of glossy photo paper to print it on.

Over the half time break we speculate about when City will score. Not one person around me thinks Hammers can hang on, an observation certainly influenced by the absence of Rice, Zouma and Aguerd, a familiar memory of fatigued hope descending on all of us in the away supporter section as the teams run out for the second half.

When the City goal comes on 50 minutes, it proves a tragedy of miserably epic proportion. Downes, who has been christened The OnField Moyes for his unquestioning subservience to these negative tactics, loses possession as he attempts to find someone to pass back to, his error forcing him into committing a foul on Haaland, that gets him booked. The ensuing free kick from Mahrez is chipped onto the head of the unmarked Aké, who beats Fabianski comprehensively with a gentle impudent nod.

Hammers consolidate for a twenty minute period after the breach, but when one of their rare attacks breaks down, Grealish is released like a greased piglet into the freedom of the West Ham end of the pitch where he finds Haaland, who shrugs off the substitute Johnson like an irritating fly before fiendishly flipping the ball home over Fabianski. Even the Hammers’ fans stand to applaud his remarkable Premier League goal-scoring achievement.

The final goal follows the substitution of Julien Alvarez for Phil Foden, and the local hero and somewhat star substitute promptly cracks home a piledriver of a shot, hit straight at Fabianski, but taking the requisite deflection to beat him and establish an unchallengeable three goal advantage.

All in all, a totally predictable result, but one that tickles the memory of Hammers’ last win at the Etihad in late 2015 under Slaven Bilic, when goals from Sakho and the on loan Victor Moses beat a City side blooding their new signing Kevin De Bruyne, who scored on debut, 2-1. City were that afternoon managed by Manuel Pellegrini, a man who would go on to manage West Ham spectacularly badly a few years later.

Irons.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 8 Pablo Fornals, 12 Flynn Downes, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 2 Ben Johnson, 18 Danny Ings

NO DUALS AT THE PALACE

Crystal Palace 4 West Ham 3

This is one of those games where the fickle hand of fate initially appears to West Ham early on in the game as a good luck charm. The fact that it occurs inside the first ten minutes of the game provides an additional mischievous blessing to the spirits.

Not unlike the last away game at Bournemouth, the melee after an early corner presents a shooting opportunity to Tomas Souček, who blasts home for the first time in 26 games from just inside the area. Hammers ahead, two of the greatest words you could ever want to see united inside a sentence.

Oh, false Dawn, how often she’ll let you down. Six minutes later Palace forge a break away from another sustained Hammers’ attack, and stretched wide on the right, Jordan Ayew shoots from the edge of the area past Fabianski to equalise. More irritatingly, the despairing and late attempt to tackle Ayew from Zouma sees him carried off with an ankle injury that will keep him out of the side for the rest of the season. Great.

Just five minutes later and Palace have turned it around with another breakaway scattering the Hammers’ back line into a ferreting frenzy that allows Zaha a tap in on the line that he almost sidefoots wide, but just manages to keep on course for the back of the net. False Dawn and her fickle-fated hand.

Ten minutes later and it’s three, but this goal is avoidable. Nayef Aguerd, another player today flattering in the pursuit of deception, lays a square ball to Souček, who, having chased back, finds himself trapped in the vacated Zouma position, unable to bypass the advancing Schlupp, and the Palace midfielder effortlessly rolls the ball past Fabianski.

Thankfully Souček makes an inroaded assist shortly afterwards, craning his neck on the edge of the six yard box from Cresswell’s corner to flick the ball on towards the far post where Antonio meets in gleefully, returning some respect to the score line, and with it the distant hope of an equaliser early in the second half. Five goals by half time, the same number in the whole of the corresponding fixture from last season.

The second half doesn’t get any better unfortunately, Eze converting a penalty awarded after the subtlest of arm brushes with Aguerd forces him into a theatrical full length dive. The VAR official is unfortunately in the loo when all of this happens, so the award stands and the two goal margin is restored.

All that remains in the match is for West Ham to pull back a 72nd minute goal from a corner, their third scoring set piece of the afternoon, with Souček again providing the flick on assist, this time for Aguerd to head home at the far post. This time there is a theatrical VAR check for a hidden offside which fades away as permanently as Hammers’ inability to rescue a point from this disappointing outing to South London. Roy Hodgson has recorded his fourth win out of six after returning to the Palace Hot Seat, and the red and blues record their first top flight double over the Hammers for some time.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 8 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 14 Maxwell Cornet, 18 Danny Ings

Goalscorers: Tomas Souček, Lucas Paquetá, Nayef Aguerd

HANDS UP! IT’S A STICK UP (BUT NOT A HANDBALL)!

West Ham 1 Liverpool 2

Did you know that some ‘handball’ decisions are seen as ‘handballs’ only in Europe? But before we get into all that, let’s start with this game against our Scouse cousins, who we beat 3-2 on their last journey here. They had a better team out then, but we won’t hold that against them.

And West Ham start the game on the front foot, whatever that means, linking well in attack, with Bowen looking sharp and pacy. The hope of an early goal, maybe in the first fifteen minutes, is unexpectedly realised, when Antonio, Benrahma and Paquetá interchange passes, culminating in the Brazilian’s powerful strike past Alisson in the Liverpool goal. Number 11 scores after 11 minutes. Sadly seven minutes later number 18 scores, after 18 minutes, Cody Gakpo hitting in a thirty yarder, which bounces awkwardly past the early committed Fabianski, and in off the post. No one seems more surprised than Gakpo and his Liverpool team to be level so soon after Paquetá’s early stunner.

Rather irritatingly, the second goal acts as an inspirational moment to the Scousers, despite their ordinary away record, and they begin to look like a Klopp team of old. Like Manchester United (who Hammers play next) they always seem to save their better stuff in shite seasons for fixtures involving West Ham United. For all that, Hammers finish the half well and look every bit as likely as Klopp’s team to turn things around in the second half.

Except they don’t. It’s Klopp who makes the first adjustment to his Liverpool team, taking off the struggling captain Henderson and replacing him with the alliteratively tenacious Thiago, of whom more later. Harlem Globe Trotter fans stay tuned…

Early in the second half Bowen hurries through wide on the right before blasting his shot past Allison into the corner of the net. Those paying attention notice that he is probably just offside, but the crowd still celebrate and the stadium announcer announces the goal. But it is offside. (Bah!) Just after the hour no one picks up Joël Matip from an inswinging corner and his thumping header hits the back of the net before Fabianski can consider his options. So Liverpool have turned it around.

All that remains as injury time approaches is a Harlem Globe Trotter moment as Thiago falls to the floor, bouncing the ball with his right hand as he tumbles, but referee Ken Swarthy waves the West Ham complaints away. Moyesy is still invoking the wrath of Khan an hour later at his tired and emotional press conference.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 14 Maxwell Cornet, 18 Danny Ings

Goalscorer: Lucas Paquetá

CHAMPION CONNIVERY

West Ham United 2 Arsenal 2

The only time West Ham have ever beaten Arsenal at London Stadium was under the tutelage of Manuel Pellegrini in January 2019. The only goal in that game was scored by nineteen year old Declan Rice, a few days short of his twentieth birthday. Since then, just a surrendered three nil lead behind closed doors, which Arsenal fashioned their way out of with their usual combination of luck, bluster and occasional touches of genius. We will need a strong referee this afternoon to command respect through well-disciplined decisions and thought through strategies.. And for those demands, the Premier League have provided us the towering commander of discipline that is David Coote. No, me neither.

West Ham have the unenviable record of spending the first fifteen minutes of all Premier League matches chasing their tails, in addition to chasing those of their opponents. As Arsenal need three points this afternoon to keep themselves ahead of the pack (that’s just Manchester City, of course), we can expect them to be busiest during the aforementioned quarter of an hour.

Not unacquainted with this concept, Mikkail Arteta’s Arsenal side throw pretty much everything in their armoury at the flailing Hammers in those first fifteen, and are not disappointed with their ensuing spoils. First, with only seven minutes on the watch, Gabriel Jesus puts his side into an early lead with a tap in on the line after clever approach work from Arsenal captain Ødegaard and a firm defence-splitting cross from Ben White. Then just three minutes later a second, part fashioned and fully executed by Ødegaard, gently stroking Gabriel Martinelli’s ball in at the far post with his left foot. Eleven minutes gone, and West Ham are two goals behind.

I start to look up into the sky, because I don’t believe this. West Ham cannot be this bad, and contrarily to popular belief, all of us in the stadium know that Arsenal are not actually that good. I’ve never thought they were at any time in this strange season. So I am living in an odd place as I watch Arteta’s team knock the ball around the place with an arrogance that is misplaced. Or is it?

The half hour passes and Arsenal play the ball out of defence with a short pass from Partey that Declan Rice telegraphs and, taking the ball in his stride, lays it left to Paquetá, nimbly passing Gabriel Jesus, who scythes him down, setting an unlikely and unexpected way back into the game for the Hammers.

Saïd Benrahma, team shooter and maligned malingerer, steps up to take the chance, sidefooting it confidently past Ramsdale. I have stopped looking into the sky, and finally return my gaze to the pitch to see Tomas Souček just a whisker away from heading an equaliser just before half time.

Like the Newcastle home game earlier this month, Hammers are 2-1 down at half time, after being completely blown off their perch in the first fifteen minutes. Those minutes that they have yet to violate in the Premier League in 2022-23. But after the break against Newcastle, we remember, they fell apart. How will that turn out this afternoon, facing the current champions of the division?

My hopeful sky combing unwittingly invokes the second strike of lightning, and when Michail Antonio handles in the area five minutes into the second half, I realise suddenly that the competitive element still surviving in this game may be about to depart. Bukayo Saka steps up and sends his spot kick… woefully wide of Fabianski’s right hand post. Two minutes later and Jarrod Bowen volleys Kehrer’s hopeful lofted through ball past Ramsdale, deliciously revenging his yellow card from last season, when it was Ramsdale who should have been sent off for his two-footed lunge.

Finally a drifting ball to the far post hovers, for a moment, above Antonio, who connects but sees his header fly away to safety off the top of the crossbar.

It is an unexpected but welcome point that keeps West Ham firmly in the hunt for a route out of all this bottom three nonsense. As for Arsenal, they can ill afford the lapse, as they will see it, with Manchester City breathing down their necks. The Sky Blues face West Ham themselves in just over a fortnight. Can’t wait.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 23 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 12 Flynn Downes, 14 Maxwell Cornet, 8 Pablo Fornals

Goalscorers: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 20 Jarrod Bowen

BELGIAN BUN FIGHT

KAA Gent 1 West Ham 1

Having already played and beaten Anderlecht, and with a victory over Genk from last season, you’d have thought West Ham might have had enough of playing Belgian sides in UEFA competitions. A trip to Israel perhaps. Turkey? Maybe even Slovakia. But no, it would seem as that KAA Gent are to be the third Belgian side West Ham face in less than eighteen months. Should they advance to the semi-finals, they may even find themselves having to face Anderlecht again.

In the history of 120 years of Belgian football, KAA Gent are legendary for starting their seasons badly. This season they lost the Belgian Super Cup Final 1-0 to their great rivals FC Brugge, and only won 3 of their first 10 games. The bad news for West Ham is that this is April and not August. Gent are currently undefeated, having won 5 games over a run of 7.

Gent are known as ‘The Buffalos’ because William Frederick ‘Buffalo Bill’ Cody toured Europe with his ‘Wild West’ circus in the early 1900s, playing in Gent, who had just formed a sporting club which didn’t have a name. Slightly unimaginatively, they thought this might be a good reason to start calling themselves, ‘The Buffalos.’ No, me neither.

Gent have won their last three away games 6-2, 4-1 and 5-0, but have drawn two of their last three home games 1-1. Does that mean anything? We shall see.

The first fifteen minutes rush past without their metaphorical feet touching the flawed, both sides looking nervous. There are those who have pointed out that Gent have their eyes more firmly focused on finishing in the upper half of the Belgian League 1 play-offs for a Champions League place rather than have their European fate left in the hands of winning this competition.

The Hammers fans have already started moaning about David Moyes. Why can’t he play Ings up front with Antonio? Well he tried that on Saturday and look what happened. So why not give Scamacca a Premier League start? Well, because he got injured playing for Italy in the international break and now needs surgery before he can recover. Okay, so why not play Dawson? Well, because… so maybe that Sonny Perkins kid deserves a chance? He went to Leeds. Is Mark Noble strictly off limits now? Lingard?

Gent record the first shots at goal stats from distance, but little to seriously trouble Areola. I am still looking down at my ticket, having only secured it a few hours ago, in wonderment at the genius of technology. Having found myself on a number eight bus heading for the ground, my mobile’s Sat Nav revealed as the slow journey elapsed, that my arrival time at the ground would be about ninety seconds before kick off. I subsequently decided to get off twenty-five minutes before and hot foot it to the ground, jumping cycle lanes and slow moving Gent supporters. My pace was sufficient to allow me a more leisurely fifteen minutes to find my way to the entrance past ill-informed stewards and bad-tempered sweary Hammers’ fans. And here I am now, wondering how this will all pan out.

Hammers finally get their shit together towards the end of the half, and from an inswinging Bowen corner, poorly policed by Gent keeper Davy Roef, Aguerd bundles the ball over the line. After a few minutes both sides are back at the halfway line, only for the play to be dragged screaming back to the Gent area where the Greek referee, assisted by VAR, indicates that the Moroccan defender flicked the ball deftly into the Gent net with the use of his right hand. Thankfully the Hammers manage to make the Gent net bulge yet again six minutes later after Coufal’s brilliant throw has put Bowen free down the right, and his swift cross is expertly tapped in at the far post by Danny Ings. Hammers go in a goal up at the break. This tie now looks firmly within their grasp.

I shouldn’t have said that. Something has happened at half time. Maybe Maxwell Cornet has discovered an injury in his sports bag or the team have just realised Craig Dawson has left for Wolves. Either way the Gent players all appear to have had an electric suppository inserted into their respective karma chameleons. Johnson is looking increasingly lost, possibly because he is being played out of position. His normal role is substitute.

Aguerd and Ogbonna get in each other’s way on the hour to let in Hong Hyun-Seok, but thankfully he’s no Son Heung-Min, and the effort sails hopelessly wide. Orban then tries something audacious from distance, but is also just wide. Hugo Cuypers now finds a little space in the box, weaves past Johnson and Aguerd and steers the ball past Ariola. The crowd go mad. Cue irritating thumping music and non-literary facile interchange between their PA announcer and what is vaguely identifiable as the Gent Ultras. Clearly not gents.

Subs on now for the Hammers, Antonio replacing the goalscorer Ings and Benrahma for Lanzini. Hammers are suddenly lifted with Antonio holding the ball up three-quarters of the pitch, and Benrahma being prepared to run at the Gent defence down the left channel. Now Pacquetá comes on for Flynn Downes to complete the midfield upgrade, and Hammers start to move the ball up the pitch more regularly through their new subs.

Before you can say ‘Suddenly the 76th minute,’ Pacquetá manages to fashion a perfect through ball for Bowen, who times his run perfectly but offers a heavy first touch and is forced to throw a loose leg out to make the first connection beat Roef, but the effort is wide of the far post. Grrr!

With eight minutes to go, the dreaded Orban hits an athletic overhead kick past Areola but against the bar and away to safety. His reward is to be immediately substituted by his manager. WTF?

Finally into injury time and another bizarre moment in what has certainly been an odd match. Piatkowski is shown a straight red after hacking down last man Lucas Paquetá on the edge of the box, and West Ham fans wonder whether new sub Cresswell can hit a free kick winner. Before the crowd can take stock of what’s just happened, those in the UEFA VAR offices call up the replay to reveal what was a superbly timed tackle. It’s possibly the most skilful moment of the game, as it also reveals the inadequacy of the ref’s hurried response. The ref now goes desperately through the contents of his pockets to recover the offending red card, and has to ask the players who it is he should be un-redcarding. The crowd squirm, and his embarrassment prompts him to blow the final whistle, first chance he gets, once the play’s recommenced.

All that’s left now is to leg it down to the queue of bendy buses lined up for a police escort back to the centre of Gent to grab a late meal and see who wins the game in Brussels between Anderlecht and AZ Alkmaar. The winners of that tie will hopefully provide us with midweek opposition later next month.

So who will be most pleased with the result? Probably West Ham, though it’s maybe worth returning to the unintentionally prophetic fourth paragraph of this article before you agree. Gent seem to have saved their recent best form for their away fixtures.

13 Alphonse Areola, 2 Ben Johnson, 33 Emerson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 12 Flynn Downes, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 3 Aaron Cresswell

Goalscorer: Danny Ings

NUN ON TARGET

Fulham 0 West Ham 1

So they are actually saying it now. That’s the people who matter. If West Ham lost this afternoon then David Moyes will be sacked and Brendan Rodgers, freshly wrapped in the sackcloth and ashes of Leicester City FC, will be appointed manager before Monday. This is when I start believing that West Ham will in all likelihood win this game. Fulham have lost three matches on the trot since their 3-1 FA Cup quarter-final implosion at Old Trafford (a few days after West Ham’s) and are without eight game banned Aleksandar Mitrovic and the concentrated focus of beleaguered manager Marco Silva.

Things have got so desperate at West Ham that David Moyes has actually made the changes that everyone has been screaming for him to make in the last two months. Yes, he is actually going to start Antonio together with Ings. He has dropped Aguerd, Emerson and Kehrer. and reinstated the ‘old boys’ Cresswell, Ogbonna and Coufal. Whilst I am swamped with the certainty that the Ings and Antonio ‘experiment’ will not work, I am secretly delighted with the return of the defensive old guard from last season. Can West Ham manage a clean sheet? More significantly, are they likely to find the back of the net away from home in a season where they have only won once on their Premier League travels? The scorer on that occasion at Aston Villa was Pablo Fornals, who also starts this afternoon.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 4 Kurt Zouma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 12 Flynn Downes, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 14 Maxwell Cornet

Goalscorer: Harrison Reed (own goal)

FIVE GO IN THE NET

West Ham 1 Newcastle United 5

Of West Ham’s three Premier League games in this calendar week, this was always the one that the Hammers were going to lose. Eddie Howe’s Saudi-funded side have cash mattresses under every potential hand chop to field off adversity, and West Ham’s performance against Southampton last Sunday, despite yielding three precious points, made the likelihood of anything other than humiliation from tonight’s fixture a distant and unlikely dream.

First there is the side chosen to take on tonight’s challenge. How many surprises do you think it might contain? Maximum points for those who said, in a dry and cynical baritone, ‘None’. A start that offers Ings and Antonio still evades reality, and three of the back four are the prescribed and contractually unchangeable row of signings since the end of last year’s successes. There is no Coufal, no Cresswell, and of course no Dawson.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 5 Vladimir Coufal, 12 Flynn Downes, 18 Danny Ings, 14 Maxwell Cornet

Goalscorer: Kurt Zouma

ANOTHER ‘MUST WIN’ GAME

West Ham 1 Southampton 0

An international weekend. Time to reflect on the hand fate seems to be dealing West Ham United’s 2022-23 season as the back end of it prepares to unfold. The week ahead is not unlike the week before the break for the World Cup in which the Hammers managed to lose two Premier League games and to be knocked out of the League Cup.

Danny Ings is selected ahead of Michail Antonio to start, in spite of his out and out role as an old-fashioned six yard box striker. Well good luck with that. And good luck with not having scored a goal in the first fifteen minutes of a League game this season. So the first thing to be done is to assiduously count out those fifteen minutes and hope that the opposition, in this case Southampton, don’t raise their game sufficiently to breach West Ham’s defence.

In terms of non-events, all goes to plan. There were plenty of games on yesterday’s ’Match of the Day’ featuring sides who scored early goals in their fixtures, throwing caution to the four winds, but this afternoon West Ham and Southampton don’t add to that list. It is at times almost as if the players taking part in the game don’t want to forsake its sterile quality. Hammers look compact at the back, but don’t break out of defence with anything more than a cautious enthusiasm about them. Southampton are clearly happy to settle for a point which won’t actually lift them off the bottom of the table where they currently reside, and their third new manager this season, Rubén Sellés, like the two accents in his name, is profoundly acute in his technical area.

In the 25th minute Jarrod Bowen wins a free kick as he attempts to break free of the Southampton defence. Kehrer takes it, curling in a perfectly weighted cross which Aguerd rises highest to, burying the ball in the corner of the net, beyond Bazunu. There then follows four minutes of VAR indecision whilst the crowd chew their nails, the question being was Aguerd offside when the cross was hit into the area. The linesman appears to have raised his flag, not quite in the spirit of the procedure, and the referee seems initially ready to disallow the goal for a minute infringement that he could not possibly have seen from where he was. And the wait goes on. The ref appears to have lost the sound on his headphones. The West Ham players who had galloped to the centre circle are wandering back to the Southampton penalty area in fear of the disallowed goal. The managers exchange looks. Kevin Nolan stares at his replay screen and looks at Mark Warburton, who shrugs his eyebrows.

Finally the referee draws his invisible etch-a-sketch in the sky before pointing back towards the centre circle… Goal! Now it’s a race to see who can catch Aguerd before he stops to gesture at the crowd. Rice and Benrahma are quickest off the mark, Benrahma shading the race to end up under Aguerd’s left elbow.

Just how important is that goal? The dearth of genuine opportunities this far suggests this might be the only score of the afternoon. Nevertheless, just before half time a tricky run from Bowen heading in from the left ends with his stylish crosstown traffic swivel and a shot that curls past Bazunu and off the crossbar before going out of play. Another crossbar moment for Clips tomorrow.

The second half sees the introduction of Antonio, Fornals, Downes and Cresswell as West Ham first seek to add to their lead and then desperately pile men back to defend it. Southampton’s giant substitute Paul Onuachu beats Zouma in the air as Ward-Prowse’s circling cross comes in, but his header comes back into play agonisingly off the crossbar and is cleared. And that, thankfully, is the last genuine serious goal action of the game.

Hammers’ fans are left to reflect on a nervous performance with little cut and thrust in the Southampton penalty area, but the clean sheet from a stirling defensive display that was necessary to make any goal a winner. Wednesday’s game against Newcastle, who have won again this afternoon and gone third in the Premier League, will be a different story.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 9 Michail Antonio, 12 Flynn Downes

Goalscorer: Nayef Aguerd

BLOCKING GARY LARNACA

West Ham 4 AEK Larnaca 0

With the job almost complete, all that’s to play for tonight is the victory that will make it ten wins out of ten for David Moyes’ men in their second season of European football. That and Jarrod Bowen nabbing a goal to make him our leading scorer in European League combat. This competition has been derided by many, but their teams could have faced VillaReal, Fiorentina or AK Alkmaar in the Champions or Europa League in the last few years. Larnaca started this season in the Champions League qualifiers, dropped into the Europa League and then into the Conference League and, short of some kind of footballing miracle, should drop out of the third of three by the end of this evening’s game.

Scamacca starts, which will be a relief for Roberto Mancini, the manager of the Italian football outfit who face England in a fortnight. As a previously automatic choice, Scamacca has had few Premier League starts at West Ham this season, so has been denied the top level experience an international striker should have on the domestic front. Seen as the natural successor to Michail Antonio, it also seems an odd selection lapse in the club’s strange ‘difficult’ third season under Moyes.

Scamacca answers the question once Hammers have passed their regular opening ‘never score’ fifteen minute opening period of the game, when his shot squeezes through the legs of Larnaca keeper Kenan Piric to put West Ham ahead. Defender Gus Ledes is then sent off as half time approaches, for an untimely tackle from behind on Pablo Fornals. The West Ham player pleads with the referee not to dismiss his opponent, but VAR confirms that the tackle is dangerous and poorly timed, so the opponents are doomed to be down to just ten men for the second half. As if their uphill task wasn’t difficult enough…

Jarrod Bowen effectively closes the tie early in the second half, tapping in the rebound off a Scamacca shot that Piric can’t hold and two minutes later flicks in a deliciously subtle header from Cresswell’s cross to make it 3-0.

The remainder of the half is a playground opportunity for some neat training ground passing and a half hour for the Larnaca Ten to enjoy their final moments of European action until next year. The final cherry on a continuation run of 100% European win performances for West Ham is provided by Divin Mubama, denied his first European goal last year against FCSB, but this time expertly flicking a goalbound shot past Piric to put West Ham 4-0 up.

The Conference League quarter-final draw awaits tomorrow; West Ham will hope to be second out of the hat after their opposition to guarantee a second leg at home and the best chance of making a second successive European semi-final for a crack at that UEFA trophy.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 8 Pablo Fornals, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 28 Tomas Souček, 33 Emerson, 14 Maxwell Cornet, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 72 Divin Mubama

Goalscorers: Gianluca Scamacca, Jarrod Bowen (2), Divin Mubama

VILLA BUS PARKED

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 1

For a game that West Ham have to win, the team selection looks tired. Danny Ings had twenty exhilarating minutes against Nottingham Forest here a fortnight ago, but is he capable of raising the ire necessary to pocket goals against his old club? Or is a more zen approach to this problem something he should consider?

These are testing times for a beleaguered West Ham United side who continue to struggle in what is an occasionally bewildering league. Liverpool beat Manchester United 7-0 last Sunday, but yesterday lost 1-0 to Bournemouth and missed a penalty into the bargain.

It is a league in which results have conspired to allow a draw against this afternoon’s opponents sufficient to temporarily drag West Ham out of the relegation zone, albeit merely on goal difference. But a win would elevate them to the heady status of fourteenth position – which you would imagine to be a great motivating force against securing the alternative.

The first fifteen minutes elapse in a heartbeat. Can the Hammers go through a whole PL season not scoring in the opening third of the first half? Worse is to come, for in the 17th minute, and in their first attack of the game, Aston Villa take the lead. Moreno breaks down the left and puts a decent cross in which Ollie Watkins heads into the ground, the bounce taking the ball over Ariola’s despairing dive. And West Ham are back in the relegation zone with Leeds, Bournemouth and Leicester ahead of them. All of these teams, as well as bottom-placed Southampton, still have yet to face the Hammers. And these are the straws that we clutch at in desperation at times like these.

And yet, just seven minutes later, the lifeline is upon us. Paquetá’s effort is cleared off the line by goalscorer Ollie Watkins and while screams abound that the ball crossed the line, Paquetá picks up the rebound only to be floored by Leon Bailey. Penalty! And the cursory study of VAR for goal (no) and foul (yes) shows the referee was correct. No Lanzini, so the penalty responsibility reverts to Benrahma, who dispatches the spot kick high into the net, past the World Cup winning goalkeeper!

Just five minutes later Ings is floored by Buendia, seemingly under the referee’s noise, but no penalty and no booking for Ings either. At the other end Ariola makes a point blank save against Watkins and the relief around the stadium is palpable.

The second half is peppered with chances for the Hammers, especially after the introduction of Fornals, who scoops the first of these frustratingly over the bar from almost under the crossbar. Benrahma is the star of the show but though he has countless numbers of efforts on goal, he is unable to hit the target, twice because of last minute blocks and deflections that deny him and West Ham a second. Cornet is brought on instead of Scamacca offering pace but none of the brutal penetrative force of Scamacca. When Paquetá is substituted he heads off hurriedly for a toilet break, and his speedy departure is mistaken for petulance by a crowd as frustrated as he is.

This was a home game that the Hammers would on any other day have been expected to win, especially as Aston Villa are the only side in the Premier League that West Ham have managed to beat away from home.

Now no more games until next month thanks to the international weekend and a makes-no-difference postponed fixture away from home at. Manchester City. Next month starts with the whirl of two home games against Newcastle United and Southampton and another chance to quickly make a bad season better.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 3 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 14 Maxwell Cornet

Goalscorer: Saïd Behrama

HAVING THE FIRST LAUGH

AEK Larnaca 0 West Ham 2

David Moyes puts out an impressively strong side in Larnaca for this last 16 Europa Conference League away fixture against one of the weaker sides remaining in the tournament.

Only Flynn Downes is a surprising pick in the starting XI, with Paquetá and Scamacca on the bench, but it’s still proof that Moyes takes the competition seriously. Maxwell Cornet finally makes the cut for the squad, probably the best news of the night for Hammers’ fans.

AEK Larnaca surprise all and sundry by the confident way they play out the first half an hour, having much the better of the play, whilst nevertheless failing to create any genuine opportunities. Mark Noble is sporting the peakiest of blinding caps as he watches the action, West Ham creating the first genuine chance of the game on the half hour when Fornals sets up Lanzini, whose scuffed shot bounces wide of the post. A couple of minutes later Benrahma cuts through the defence, beating three defenders before hitting the shot straight at the keeper from wide on the left.

It’s a balmy night in Cyprus, the temperature at 18 degrees, as Michail Antonio, unchallenged, heads Benrahma’s pinpoint cross past Piric, ten minutes before half-time.

A few minutes later, Rice sets up Antonio for a second, his measured right foot strike around the shielded body of the last defender nestling comfortably into the top corner of the net. From another relatively straightforward move, the clear skill difference between the two sides is again emphasised and it gives Moyes the opportunity to have a relaxed half-time talk for the first time for some time.

Three minutes into the second half and Antonio almost completes an impressive and perfect hat-trick, after striking a perfectly weighted pass by Benrahma left-footed against the inside of Piric’s post, across the goal and away to safety. Only David Cross has ever scored a European hat-trick for the Hammers so that would have merited legendary Hammers’ hero status as well as making Antonio West Ham’s highest ever goalscorer in European competition. But not tonight, as the Hammers’ striker is substituted for Scamacca ten minutes later.

Jarrod Bowen comes closest to scoring just minutes after coming on in the second half with a curling shot that misses the far post by barely a foot. Omri Altman, after an impressive run, then crosses for Imad ‘Nigel’ Faraj to head straight at Areola, who grabs gratefully at the loose ball. It’s the first genuine chance that Larnaca have created, with less than half an hour of the game remaining.

With ten minutes left, Ivan Trickovski, probably the most enigmatic name on tonight’s team sheet, comes on for Larnaca, and almost immediately brings a decent late save from Ariola after a well struck volley from just inside the area. He is followed by Maxwell Cornet, back after a ludicrously long lay off, whose cameo features a neat interception and brilliant through ball for Lucas Paquetá, which the Brazilian sees well saved by Piric.

It’s a comfortable victory in the end for West Ham, but the weekend’s home fixture against Aston Villa still looms large, and although David Moyes now has a stronger squad of players to choose from, this will almost certainly be the main issue preying on the mind of the beleaguered West Ham manager.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 12 Flynn Downes, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 28 Tomas Souček, 14 Maxwell Cornet, 11 Lucas Paquetá

Goalscorers: Michail Antonio (2)

LET THE TRAIN DIVIDE

Brighton & Hove Albion 4 West Ham 0

Danny Ings has already played at the Amex this season, scoring twice in Aston Villa’s 2-1 November victory, just before the Qatari World Cup. Somehow you get the feeling this might be a very different game to that one.

Bad news for Hammers is that, despite the departure of Graham Potter earlier in the season, this is probably the best Brighton side West Ham will have played in their evolving time in the Premier League, whilst the Hammers are having their worst top flight season away from home for decades.

Brighton don’t score in the first quarter of an hour, but they are playing some good football, and I am feeling nervous. This is incidentally my first visit to the Amex, and I was hoping by going that I might charm out some extreme good fortune (a first ever PL win v Brighton) or a little sympathy from the gods.

In the same way that the normally efficient Aguerd found a curse on everything he came into contact with at Old Trafford on Wednesday, the young and confident Ben Johnson, starting because of the unavailability of Coufal and Kehrer, is blindsided by the darting run of Kaoru Mitoma, and Bowen, sensing the danger, runs in to shield the striker’s path, clips him, the contact followed by the inevitable tree fall, and over-vigilant referee pointing to the spot. Any chance of the keeper coming to our rescue is compromised due to Fabianski sitting in a treatment room somewhere back in London, still nursing his bruised eye socket.

Now behind, West Ham unequivocally up the ante and start to knock a few passes together. At the other end Bowen finds himself in a position to make amends with a clear shooting chance, but his effort is too close to Jason Steele, who beats the ball away to safety. For the third match in a row, the Hammers’ fans wonder what Moyes might say in the dressing room to generate some of the wonder play their team was able to fashion from nothing back in 2021.

The away form reverts to type after the break, and Brighton strengthen their hold on the game, scoring from a corner after Johnson has left an unmarked Joël Veltman at the far post to stoop to head into the empty net. Moyes has brought on Fornals for West Ham’s best player of the first half, Saïd Benrahma, but Scamacca remains on the bench. Within a quarter of an hour the home side have a third, another bout of shoddy marking leaving Mitoma free at the far post to toe poke home. Well over a thousand of the away fans are on their way back to the station when the fourth hits the back of the net, a well-fashioned but unspectacular close range finish by Danny Welbeck. The late substitutions wander onto the pitch like masters of ceremonies at the circus, closing the comedy show with gentle warm up runs up and down the wings. The home ball boys see more of the ball in the last ten minutes than they do.

I haven’t seen a Hammers’ performance as poor as this since the last days of Manuel Pellegrini, and for all the optimists hoping that last weekend’s rout of Forest had signalled the beginning of something, this afternoon’s misery has confirmed that it was only a part time miracle, limping into the clearing, fashioning a temporary hope out of a more permanent despair.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma,

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 4 Kurt Zouma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 12 Flynn Downes

SAME SHOW SAME ENDING

Manchester United 3 West Ham 1

It’s the hope that fills you. It’s the hope that kills you. It’s the hope that bills you. So how much is this evening’s game going to affect West Ham fans for the rest of the week? I have not been as excited as I should be by the reserve team that United have put out tonight. The usual suspects are on the bench and will be called on to stage a late win if things are going wrong. We already know that.

Confidence in the West Ham players is low at the moment, both from the fans and in the players themselves. The 4-0 weekend victory over Nottingham Forest, the semi-final league cup team that could have been playing Man United if Newcastle hadn’t beaten them, was imbued with relief ad invariably hope, but the spearhead of that victory is cup-tied this evening, having captained Villa in their home cup 1-2 reverse to second Division Stevenage back in January.

West Ham begin the game well, keeping possession once won, and distributing well. The tangerine dream away kit, yet to yield a win in the league, has a midweek cup outing tonight. The fifth round of the UK’s greatest domestic cup competition is another rescheduling victim of the Qatari World Cup, straight-jacketed into its temporarily midweek position. The quality sides have almost all been eliminated from the competition, so this is a huge opportunity for West Ham to get their name on a trophy they last decorated in 1980. Now I’ve outed that revelation it is already beginning to feel like the pre-match point everyone was trying to avoid. After just twenty minutes Michail Antonio finds himself one on one with de Gea, but lacking the confidence of old takes too long with the shot and the keeper is able to make a telling block to turn it away for a corner. It feels already like that might be a moment we will be dwelling on later in the game.

And yet early in the second half an unexpected light appears from the darkness of east London inertia as Benrahma, finally stealing a yard from the otherwise alert United defenders, darts towards goal and lets fly with the outside of his boot to send a thunderbolt of a shot past de Gea into the corner of the net.

It will now be West Ham’s unenviable task to defend this unexpected lead for another 36 minutes, but David Moyes can at least enjoy a momentary celebration at the ground where he must have once felt his future success coming into bright focus.

Watching Aguerd is remembering the genius of Rio Ferdinand in a West Ham shirt. Defensively he was almost always on top of his game, anticipating how strikers would operate and cutting them off before they did. His distribution was excellent, and when he joined the attack he was as likely to find the back of the net as some of the strikers from that era. Here’s the but. Concentration. Perhaps it is a facet of genius that there are invariably microscopic flaws that are magnified by their consequences. This evening Aguerd joins those rare ranks. An unfortunate own goal, some poorly focused distribution and narcolepsy in the middle of the park. Three errors, three goals. Garnacho and Fred sealing the victory with the second and third goals both scored in injury time. I predict that it will be (thankfully) a while before we see any more errors like these from the magnificent Moroccan.

As for the Hammers, all that lies ahead is to save themselves from the unthinkable scourge of relegation, secure a mid table finish and perhaps advance further in the Europa Conference League. It feels like scant reward after some excellent early season signings and the hope that is certainly killing most of us now.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma

A FOREST, THE CURE

West Ham 4 Nottingham Forest 0

Someone told me before the game that it was nearly 25 years since West Ham had last played Nottingham Forest in the Premier League at home. West Ham finished fifth at the end of that season (1999/00), their second best top league finish ever. Forest, however, finished at the bottom, twelve points adrift from safety, losing 22 of their 38 games.

Today David Moyes finally does something with his team selection that seems to make a little tactical sense. Danny Ings is in for Michael Antonio, which is a declaration of intent. Buy an established goalscorer, then put him in the team, in the starting eleven. Eventually.

Except the first two clear cut chances Ings gets in the first half, he squanders. He gets on the end of them, yes, but does not finish them off with accuracy. The build up is better with Paquetá, Benrahma and Souček starting to look like a well-oiled midfield machine. Is it just because it’s Forest? Check out the seasoned doubts that accompany any decent move of goal opportunity.

Over a half-time cup of tea I contemplate another potential banana skin. A point would probably take Hammers out of the bottom three, but three would throw down a line with enough rungs to offer a decent access to safety… Will Moyes concede defeat and start the second half with Antonio? No of course he won’t. He remains convinced that there is legs in this Ings thing.

Hammers have to date only scored 19 goals in 23 PL games. Compare that to the 19 goals scored in 8 European ties, and the Avram Grant jitters start to emerge. Ten minutes into the second half there is a delicious interplay of passing starting with Cresswell on as sub, and Rice linking with Ings and Paquetá, feeding Benrahma and then Bowen, who clubs the ball right-footed past Navas but against the foot of the post and back into play. It is a slick and measured move, enough to raise the hickies on the back of all
unscrubbed necks in the stadium.

Next thing is Felipé’s knee has low punched Fabianski in the eye, and the goal minder slinks off to the cold compresses of the treatment room to be replaced by Ariola.

With twenty minutes to go, Hammers finally get their shit together, Ings finding Bowen out on the right, and by the time Bowen has prepared a ball in to the centre, there is Ings, on starting debut, to slot it home. Exquisite. It even survives a half-hearted VAR appeal.

A minute later it’s two. Benrahma provides the cross in from the left after determined advances on the Forest goal from Paquetá, and there is Ings again to double his tally on full debut. Six minutes later Benrahma picks out Rice advancing into the area

and the Hammers’ captain issues an unstoppable curler from his right foot past Navas into the top corner of the net.

Two minutes after Ings is substituted for Antonio, the substitute heads into the net from Fornal’s (his fellow substitute) cross. Hammers haven’t scored four for a while, but it does suddenly feel like the last few months’ worry have all been Much Ado about Nothing. That is until you reflect on Wednesday’s FA Cup 5th round tie at Manchester United and the subsequent Saturday journey to the Amex Stadium where West Ham haven’t beaten Brighton since Kevin Nolan’s Championship goal back in the 2012-13 promotion season.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd,, 18 Danny Ings, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček

Substitutes: 3 Aaron Cresswell, 13 Alphonse Ariola, 9 Michail Antonio, Pablo Fornals, 10 Manuel Lanzini

Goalscorers: Danny Ings (2), Declan Rice, Michail Antonio

IS THERE EVER A GOOD TIME TO PLAY SPURS?

Tottenham Hotspur 2 West Ham 0

First my confession. I haven’t missed a West Ham game, home or away, since the Premier League resumed, after the Qatari World Cup, but I have decided to sit this one out at home, because there is no worse place to be in the Known Universe than Tottenham, when the Hammers are losing.

I am, however, on an even keel as I sit down in front of the box to watch this one. Sky spend the half an hour before kick off extolling the goal scoring achievements of Harry Kane, who is presented with an anonymous looking award by Jimmy Greaves’ widow, Irene. She is all generous smiles and good wishes, but as everybody knows, Kane had to play something like 500 more games than Greaves to even get near that target.

I have decided to turn the sound down. There is only one thing worse than being treated like walkover away opposition by Sky Sports, and that is your game being shown last on Match of the Day because you are alphabetically at the rear of the Premier League list. But wait, shouldn’t that be Wolverhampton? Not if they’re playing Chelsea or Manchester United. Or Bournemouth.

l turn the sound up again. Graham Souness likes to be the controversial one so there is always the hope that he might say something good about West Ham, what with him sharing nationality with Moyes. An interview with the two of them about Nicola Sturgeon might be a worthwhile interval.

For a while the studio banter is bearable, until they start talking about Michail Antonio’s loss of form. Isn’t there something else to discuss? Like the 3-3 draw when West Ham scored three times in the final eight minutes. Nope. Not mentioned.

All I need to ruin my game now is for Alan Smith to be the match summariser with his Brummy drawl, a man invariably watching a completely different game from the one on the screen. And don’t get me started on when he summarises during Arsenal games. Who makes these editorial decisions? Put somebody neutral on, FFS. 

But any team in the top six will get preferential treatment over the Hammers. Even when West Ham were in the top six for much of last season and nearly all of the one before that, they were treated like an over-achieving newly promoted ragbag outfit. Sky Sports, politically correct but table blind (unless your team is in the relegation zone).

Moyes has often been accused of showing a lot more respect for the perceived top six sides, and has done so today by not playing three strikers. It looks like Football Groundhog Day. Despite having changed nothing, West Ham fashion a genuine chance in the very first minute, Souček’s sublime square ball offering Bowen an early unchallenged shot at goal which is a foot wide with Fraser Forster stuck in a bucket of quick-setting concrete. This opening is inspiring stuff bearing in mind how badly West Ham started recent fixtures at Newcastle and at home to Chelsea. If anybody could know that this would be the closest we’d get to scoring all game, however, there’d have been many heading for the exits there and then. Of course if the game had been played at London stadium there’d have been 20,000 fans still queuing at the turnstiles who’d have missed it.

The first half is actually uplifting, with Hammers defending well against a determined but neutralised Spurs’ side, and apart from another, ‘I fell on my hand, Ref, how can that be a penalty?’ moment, this one from Thilo Kehrer, West Ham should feel quite satisfied with their first half performance. Tomas Souček, in particular, is a revelation in defence l, midfield and attack, blocking and passing with a equal measures of skill. Bowen, too, chases back and runs after everything in his sight, so you wish for the good fortune for him to have another chance like that first one, but it doesn’t come.

The second half, however, is a very different story. Moyes misses a chance to change the game plan to attack, content merely to keep things as they are, and when Spurs turn up the gas, Ogbonna gives the ball away in midfield, and ten seconds later it is passed into the back of the net, courtesy of Emerson Royal.

Sixteen minutes later, just after Moyes has finally brought on Ings and Benrahma, Spurs’ substitute Son hits a second, sadly again following unnecessarily surrendered possession.

In injury time the Spurs substitute Perisic almost garrots Jarrod Bowen by the touchline. Bowen is left a sprawling limping wreck after the challenge, but Perisic is not booked. Less than sixty seconds later he flies in with a vicious cynical challenge on Coufal that does get him booked. Tottenham back to the days of Ron Harris. Not a footballer, a spoiler. As a kid the Croatian international ‘all-rounder’ who ‘kicks with both feet’ worked on his dad’s poultry farm. Not a huge shift of the imagination to picture him choking chickens.

Looking at Moyes’ face at full time is like looking at your old man’s after a row. Same old face but you’re getting different feelings. This man has taken West Ham to places they haven’t been for 46 years. However it is only 12 years since Avram Grant.

I am reminded of the moment in Clips’ vids when West Ham go 3-0 up and you look into the White Dog’s moony eyes. These days that significant moment in any game is THE SECOND GOAL they concede. We don’t come back from that. (old Spurs 3-3 game notwithstanding) It’s because you know that these days West Ham can only ever score one goal per game. Perhaps it is now THE FIRST GOAL conceded as Hammers just cannot score goals like they used to, at home or away. Apart from the Everton game, we have not scored first in any home Premier League fixture since the Crystal Palace home game in November 2022, a quarter of a year ago.

If Hammers’ fans could look back at where they are now from a position in 2025, they might reasonably consider yelling, ‘Moyes – do us and yourself a favour – Don’t Play Antonio – he’s NEVER going to score again!’ What the hell – maybe yell it out, anyway… New ideas, please. NOW!

Hammers’ next three home games are Forest, Villa and Southampton. Even were they to win all three they would still only have 29 points, and with Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United to visit London Stadium following that, relegation comes firmly into focus as a consequence of what has been by any standards a dismal season in the Premier League.

Who’s up for a trip to Plymouth?

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 33 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 12 Flynn Downes, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 28 Tomas Souček

Substitutes:, 18 Danny Ings, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 2 Ben Johnson

HARRY POTTER AND THE MISSING £300M OF TALENT

West Ham United 1 Chelsea 1

Graham Potter has come up against West Ham in the Premier League many times before as a manager, but he still has yet to lose. This morning, though, he finds the team behind, or possibly in front of, him are not the team he started the season with. The new money behind Chelsea doesn’t appear to look any different in quantity than it was before under the since departed Abramovic. What is different now, however, is the West London side’s obdurate refusal to kick start their season’s targeting of a European Champions’ League place for next autumn. They sit ninth in the table behind Fulham and Brentford, with even Potter’s previous employers occupying the Europa League sixth place.

It doesn’t matter how many world class footballers you have in your squad, you can never play more than eleven of them at one time. West Ham are almost at the stage where, with their best first team out, they can match Chelsea on paper as well as in terms of performance. Potter’s problem might just be that he is still a long way from knowing exactly what his best XI might look like. Moyes, however, despite West Ham’s disappointing start to their Premier League season, is a lot more certain of the formation and eleven players he would choose with the whole squad available for selection. There is the other curious statistic that West Ham usually seem to triumph over their West London neighbours whenever they play them in the 12.30 Saturday fixture slot.

Mason ‘Monumental’ Mount may well be playing against his great pal Declan Rice for the last time for some time, but they face off this afternoon and the battle is at the centre of this game, a battle that Mount won in this fixture last season, though Hammers won the game with Arthur Masuaku’s smash and grab sliced cross cum shot late in that game.

Once again West Ham start badly and once again they are rescued early by VAR when Felix’s effort, a one two off the post after he’s beaten Fabianski with his initial chip, proves to have been the result of an offside pass. The reprieve, like last week is temporary, as Felix dispatches the clever through ball by X to give Chelsea the lead. The fact that Bowen is assaulted in the move leading to the goal is missed by the referee and his team. Ah well. Incredibly, West Ham then avoid a second Chelsea goal, again thanks to VAR, after Havertz glides past Ogbonna to slot home, but sadly for him he has received the ball in an offside position. Four minutes later West Ham put together their second real attack of the game, and Coufal’s cross is headed on by Bowen to Emerson, arriving late at the far post, to score the equaliser. This seems to wind Chelsea, who offer very little for the rest of the half, and indeed most of the remaining hour of the game.

The second half sees Hammers take control of the game and eight minutes from the end, Souček appears to have clinched the points, slotting home after Rice’s header has been beaten out by Kepa from Emerson’s curling free kick. VAR sticks its neck out again to adjudge Rice offside.

Souček is then involved at the other end, deflecting Conor Gallagher’s effort away to safety. Although it looks initially to have been off his knee, Chelsea complain that they should have had a penalty as they feel the ball has actually come off Souček’s hand. Eager to prove their Chelsea pedigree, BT Sport, covering the match live, suggest the fact that the incident isn’t even looked at by VAR to have been a travesty of justice. Later in the evening MotD will blow the Chelsea trumpet even louder. But the referee Craig Pawson isn’t interested. Chelsea, of course, might have missed the penalty, had it been awarded for the ‘handball,’ which no camera angle actually proves beyond reasonable doubt. Cornet’s PL-acknowledged VAR theft from the game at Stamford Bridge was an actual goal, and a goal that might have kick started an earlier Hammers’ recovery in the league than the one we are thankfully now witnessing.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 33 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 28 Tomas Souček, 18 Danny Ings, 12 Flynn Downes, 2 Ben Johnson

Goalscorer: Emerson

TACKLE OF A CAPTAIN

Newcastle United 1 West Ham 1

The first three minutes of this game prove a delightful contrast to the following 87. Newcastle have the ball in the back of the West Ham net after barely a minute, Joe Willock poking the ball into the back of the net after a byline run and cross, but the ball is eventually deigned to have been pulled back from an out of play position. Hammers barely have time to breathe in a hefty gulp of relief before the ball is in the back of the net again, this time Calum Wilson (remember him?) slipping Sean Longstaff’s through ball past Fabianski.

It is an all too familiar backdrop to an away fixture this season, but even the Hammers’ form on the road hasn’t seen such a swift reverse thus far this season. It seems the feeling of a leaf newly turned is premature. Successive 2-0 victories in the League and Cup have been against lesser mortals, and the proverbial shit is metaphorically flickering against the figurative fan and into the away supporters’ end.

It takes ten minutes for the Hammers to launch their first well crafted attack, Antonio’s shot well blocked when it seems initially bound for the bottom corner. When West Ham win the first corner of the game on the half hour, it’s an unexpected sighting to view Declan Rice heading over to the corner flag to take it. I cannot recall him ever taking a corner for the Hammers, though I could be wrong.

Before any comment can pass about this new tactic, the ball to the far post picks out Paquetá, who seems to have freed himself from his marker, and stepping to the edge of the six yard box, slots his shot neatly past Nick Pope, and he celebrates with two body flips before landing, off balance, in front of the celebrating West Ham fans. Five minutes later Benrahma hits in a shot that only just misses the Newcastle far post. In first half injury time, Coufal’s set piece cross is headed just over by Aguerd. As the teams head off for half time it seems hard to believe that the East London side began the match so badly.

The second half makes the casual observer, and I would include myself as part of that collective, feel that maybe Hammers are finally beginning to look like that David Moyes’ side that are tough to beat and difficult to break down.

Aguerd has another chance to find the net from Benrama’s cross, and Emerson too gets forward and looks dangerous as he takes up promising positions. Joelinton is booked for simulation, diving in the West Ham area and clearly demonstrating his artificial intelligence.

Then, the moment of the match. Wilson somehow beats the Hammers’ offside trap, and with most of the team pushed forward in search of a winner, Wilson is through one on one with Fabianski. Just as he appears ready to pull the trigger, Aguerd, carrying all the stature of the lost cause on his shoulders, times the most perfect of tackles to send the ball spinning away for a corner. It is no exaggeration to give that one the official Bobby Moore stamp. After their sprint to the edge of the area, both Wilson and Aguerd collapse, retching from their efforts. It’s the closest any tackle can get to the stature of goal.

And that’s it. Newcastle have ended up looking the lesser of the two and have forfeited third place in the league to Manchester United, who they meet in the League Cup Final at Wembley later in the month. West Ham can only hope that their reward from the Mancs will be to roll over in their fifth round FA Cup tie in March.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 33 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 2 Ben Johnson, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 18 Danny Ings, 12 Flynn Downes

Goalscorer: Lucas Paquetá

FIFTH ROUND REPEAT

Derby County 0 West Ham 2

In one of the odd repercussions of FA Cup television match staging, West Ham knew before their game that, should they beat tonight’s Division One opponents Derby County, they would face Manchester United away, in a repeat of their fifth round contest back in March 2015.

To win or to lose then offered slightly less than it would otherwise had done. Nevertheless, West Ham started well and have the ball in the net after just minute, Antonio and Souček linking well to set up Bowen for a neat finish on the edge of the six yard box.

It’s his third in two, and although it’s lower league opposition, it’s the first time they have scored a goal this early in a competitive match for some time. This kind of thing was happening right across last season – perhaps now those open gates will have an element of flood about them in the weeks to come.

13 Alphonse Areola, 2 Ben Johnson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 33 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 12 Flynn Downes, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 72 Divin Mubama

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen, Michail Antonio

BIG FAT FRANK

West Ham 2 Everton 0

You wouldn’t want to be part of a six pointer with Everton at any stage of the season, but having found themselves in the bottom three at the exact halfway stage, there may be trouble ahead. Something else to throw into the mix is the unexpected acquisition of one Danny Ings of Aston Villa, bought explicitly to save Hammers’ season by scoring the goals that no other striker has been able to since mid October. So he’s making his debut up front with Jarrod Bowen.

Wrong. Michail Antonio, who hasn’t scored in the Premier League for some considerable time, has retained his position in the front line, though he will probably have to give way for Ings with five minutes to go if West Ham are two goals behind. Does any of this sound familiar?

Before the game commences, there is an elaborate and respectful tribute to David Gold, Joint Chairman of the club, with a minute’s applause and a minor delay to the kick off while the tribute ephemera is carefully packaged up and dragged off the pitch. I note the time. 15.02. I read somewhere that Premier League sides are fined £60,000 if their games don’t start on time, for whatever reason. Maybe some latitude will be in order.

Although Hammers look quite stylish in the opening quarter of an hour, they make no genuine forays into the Everton defence, and look not unlike the FA Cup side who struggled to make inroads into the Brentford defence a couple of weekends ago. However the back three of Ogbonna, Zouma and Aguerd seem to have blocked the central way through that Leeds exploited just before that. Just the small matter of where the goals are coming from to win this match.

Half an hour soon elapses with neither side looking any more likely to score than the other, though Benrahma forces a decent save from Pickford after a neat setup from Antonio. But Hammers are stubbornly insisting on building their attacks down the right hand side, and Rice is involved in most of them, including the one that leads to the first goal, when he picks out Bowen who forces a corner. From it, Emerson chips in a cross that Bowen nips in to score his first goal in thirteen. He then scores a second after Antonio takes on and beats Tarkowski down the right, chipping in a measured pass that Bowen executes with perfection.

A perfect brace for a man who recently discovered he and his wife are having twins later in the year. Also, another opportunity to remind the reader of Tarkowski’s insistence back in the day that he chose Everton over West Ham, because they were a ‘bigger club’ (who are now being beaten by two clear goals, and it’s not even half-time).

The second half sees West Ham relying mainly on breakaways, one of which has Emerson pull a stunning save from Pickford, who tips his shot onto the bar. Ings comes on with the game almost safe, looking hungry and the cultivator of some space and speed.

In the end, West Ham have won comfortably, and impresario Bill Kenright, generously allowed to attend the game by the Everton supporters, looks like his crest has fallen. As for big fat Frank, Everton’s manager cuts a small and forlorn figure against the celebrating backdrop of claret and blue in the darkening East End night sky.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 18 Danny Ings, 28 Tomas Souček, 2 Ben Johnson, 12 Flynn Downes

Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen (2)

RIGHT MOVE

Wolverhampton 1 West Ham 0

Craig Dawson is out house hunting, though it’s a smart guess that he will have the radio on in the car. But just who will he want to win this afternoon? Nothing is signed yet, so the West Ham song should still be worming its way around his head. Awesome Dawson!

There is a curious moment on the way to my seat when I pass a familiar cherubim face in the corridor. It’s only when I enter the gents that I realise it was (Sir) Gavin Williamson, MP for South Staffordshire since 2010. Some local dim sum, obviously. If only I’d realised sooner then I might have kicked his sorry sacked shins before he had the chance to scuttle off back to his seat in the Ministry without a Portcullis.

The flame throwers around the touchline burn up enough fuel in the ten minutes before kick off to keep a local three-bedroomed terraced house warm for a month. Antonio and Paquetá need to dispense with their gloves in this heat. ‘Hi Ho, Wolverhampton,’ rings around the ground in the week of Jeff Beck’s passing. Perhaps he was a West Ham fan and can influence the game from his studio in the sky. It’s no secret just how much he hated that song, even though the royalties will continue to dribble in post mortem.

Soufal and Ogbonna get their wires crossed in an early Wolves’ attack, but the corner proves flakey. Fornals is dynamic in the early minutes, confounding Moyes’ decision not to start him every week. Bowen is the first on target for the Hammers, from a Coufal cross, but José Sá deals with the low finish comfortably. At the other end Nunes curls a decent effort towards the corner, but Fabianski fields it with a low dive.

Souček is king of the blockers in the first quarter of an hour, keeping Fabianski from unnecessarily warming his hands. Hammers are playing a back four of Cresswell, Ogbonna, Aguerd and Coufal. It’s a slightly shaky set up early on. The battle of the number 11s is intriguing, with Paquetá and Hee-Chan the early playmakers for each side, but it’s still goalless on the half hour.

It’s Declan Rice’s 24th birthday this afternoon, and he is managing to keep the lid on Wolves each time they break, as West Ham move more and more towards controlling the game. Coufal now has the first clear cut chance on 31 minutes when Bowen’s shot is beaten out to him, but he fails to lift his response, which is also blocked on the line and the ball cleared to safely. Bowen is a live wire this afternoon and looks to be back at his best, hitting the line and cutting in for shots whenever he gets the chance.

Coutinho (why the missing ‘i’) hits a clever corner spooned to the edge of the area but the captain Neves wallops it over instead of controlling the shot, despite being unchallenged.

Everton take the lead at Goodison through Amadou Onana and West Ham slip silently back to 17th, with Bournemouth still to play. Now a brilliant goalbound effort from Podence is expertly chested away for a corner by Aguerd. All in all, a decent half for the Hammers and if they can grab a point they may well still be out of the drop zone by the end of the day.

But the tease of the short-lived joy. From West Ham’s first corner early in the second half, Wolves break and Nunes’ ball in is only half cleared by Cresswell to Podence who fires into the corner from fifteen yards. Less than an hour gone and Hammers are behind. Thankfully Southampton have equalised at Everton through Ward-Prowse, but West Ham are alongside them in nineteenth position.

Benrahma now steps into the arena, and not before time, replacing ‘60 minute Souček’ in the hope of securing a point. Anything less has now become unthinkable. Within three minutes, Benrahma has beaten three Wolves’ defenders on the left but his cross is flicked wide by Antonio. Now the arrival of Rayan Aït-Nouri and Raúl Jiménez. It isn’t getting any better. Traoré, a man whose shorts are pulled up just below his nipples, and who possesses the identical build to Michail Antonio, is getting even less pitch time these days since his heady main man pre-Covid days.

The game has gone to sleep after all the substitutions, but suddenly Wolves hit the crossbar and post in quick succession, only for the excitement to be abated by a late offside flag. ‘Come on Wanderers!’ the crowd yell. Scamacca is on for Fornals. Paquetá tries to cushion a header into the path of Bowen but gets too much on it.

Scamacca robs Collins, but though he tees up Benrahma, the shot is weak and easily telegraphed by Sá. Six minutes added time. Will that be enough for an equaliser? Sadly no. West Ham have had so much of the game but little to show for it except a drop into the bottom three.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 8 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 7 Gianluca Scamacca

UP FOR T’CUP

Brentford 0 West Ham 1

This may not be the best time to return to a theory of mine that if two teams play each other in different competitions over the space of a week, then the results will always be different. That would make the result of this FA Cup tie a draw or a West Ham win.

Brentford are putting out something close to a reserve side, something a little surprising when considering the strength of this afternoon’s Hammers XI. Aguerd starts again as he did against Leeds, but there is no starting place for Saïd Behrama, signed from Brentford not too long ago, and a player who is now finally finding his form at West Ham.

The first half is a remarkable exercise in sporting lethargy, neither side pressing the other, and beyond a brilliant Fabianski save from Yoane Wissa on the edge of the six yard box, there is next to nothing to report from these forty-five and a bit minutes.

This may be a good time to reflect on just how awful most of 2022 has been for West Ham United. The high point was getting to the UEFA Europa League Semi-Final and shortly afterwards scrambling another European place thanks to a few decent late season results. Then the signing of players who ordinarily would have had no interest in coming to the club. Cornet, Kehrer, Paquetá and Scamacca, to name just four. And how are they doing? Cornet is injured, probably physically and mentally after having his perfect late equaliser at Stamford Bridge denied because of a little piece of RADA from Mendy. Up until the point in the week at Leeds, the twitterati were calling for Moyes’ head. How will they feel if Brentford find a second half winner?

The skin of the game peels back and a cut and thrust develops with chances created at both ends.

Kevin Schade, Brentford’s on loan German striker, comes on for a twenty minute cameo at the end, and with him Benrahma enters the field of play replacing Tomas Souček. Both offer acceleration and hitherto missing talent, Schade causing consternation in the Hammers’ defence, but it’s Benrahma who bursts through onto the through ball, loosened by Rice’s firm tackle, who breaks the deadlock with a fabulous twenty yard strike past substitute keeper Thomas Strakosha.

By the time the whistle goes, any other chance of an equaliser has finally been put to bed. The draw subsequently offers West Ham an away tie at first division Derby County. The ghost of Dave MacKay awaits…

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 33 Emerson, 15 Craig Dawson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 12 Flynn Downes, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 8 Pablo Fornals

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma

WHERE’S YOUR FAMOUS ATMOSPHERE

Leeds United 2 West Ham 2

David Gold has died. A man who grew up across the road from the Boleyn Ground and who played for West Ham’s boys and youth teams as a youngster. The Joint Chairman had been at the club since 2010 and overseen the move to London Stadium and recent revival in form in the Premier League and two successive seasons playing European football. He will be missed.

West Ham have not won a competitive first team game since October, and are now poised to enter the bottom three of the Premier League unless they get something from this game. Leeds return from having fought out a goalless draw at Newcastle, whereas West Ham are recovering from a soulless 0-2 home defeat against Brentford.

Incredibly this is Nayef Aguerd’s first start in the Premier League, and there are many of us who believe he was West Ham’s best defensive close season signing and that his first start is long overdue. A pre-season injury in a friendly against Glasgow Rangers is mainly to blame for this setback. Hopefully he will now start every game.

After a nervous start it takes Hammers just 28 minutes to fall behind, when Wilfried Gnonto exchanges passes with Summerville before drilling the pass beyond Fabianski. Despite the attentions of Paquetá, Coufal and Dawson, a hole appears in the West Ham defence that could have sunk the Titanic. The scorer is just 19 years old and that’s his first goal for Leeds. Guess he’ll remember it more than I will.

Pundits are now beginning to point out the regularity of Hammers’ conceding goals from throw ins. The ‘going to sleep’ syndrome, to put it more politely than others alongside me are putting it. I have endured a four and a half hours’ coach journey to be at this game, and I’m already thinking mournfully about the journey back.

Thankfully, Hammers slowly begin to settle, after Aaronson skies a gilt-edged chance to make it two. Fornals is one of the reasons for improved form, and after a through ball is cleared, Coufal attempts to chip Meslier from 35 yards, and is just a yard too long.

Just before half time Scamacca finds Bowen in the area, who is floored, and shortly after a VAR check a penalty is awarded. Paquetá takes it, with a familiar continental stutter, and buries it in the corner.

Good goes to better at the beginning of the second half when Scamacca on the break hits an early shot which beats Meslier and goes in off the far post.

So two of the new signings have turned a deficit into a lead. And what chance of making it three 2-1 victories in a row for the Hammers at Elland Road?

A third might have been too much to hope for, despite the dropping of the Leeds’ manager’s head. Summerville puts Coufal into the technical area with a two-footed revenge tackle for which the term ‘straight red’ was designed, but tonight’s referee, David Coote, can only present a cowardly yellow. Soufal has to be substituted a few minutes later, followed by Aaronson, who is still smoking and clearly needs to be put out, even if it is by his own manager.

Leeds score the inevitable equaliser to comeback from being behind when Adamson and Harrison combine down West Ham’s threadbare middle to feed Rodrigo, who slots expertly past Fabianski. And yes, the move started again from a throw in. Now it’s all Leeds, with Rodrigo and Cooper denied by an acrobatic save from Fabianski and a clearance off the line by Antonio. At the other end as the game moves into injury time, Antonio just fails to get on the end of a cross come shot from Benrahma and then Fabianski again at the death provides a point-saving paw away from Rodrigo’s close range header.

As I move towards the exit, I realise that Everton’s 1-4 home thrashing by Bournemouth the day before means that Hammers remain out of the bottom three, but only on goal difference. That needs to be as close as it gets if they are to recover from this poor form. Next League weekend Hammers are away to Wolves and Everton home to fellow stragglers Southampton. We’ll need all three points.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 27 Nayef Aguerd, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 15 Craig Dawson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 8 Pablo Fornals, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Goalscorers: Lucas Paquetá (penalty), Gianluca Scamacca

JUST A BUS STOP IN HOUNSLOW

West Ham 0 Brentford 2

A rather quaint idea of subsisting in the Premier League was that you won your home games and did all you could to grab an away point here and there throughout the opening months. The Covid and games behind closed doors restricted the assumptions about away points being harder to gain than home ones. This followed on from Leicester City winning the league in 2015-16 with a possession percentage of barely 30. So the obvious in football has become a little more subtle.

Brentford FC are a case in point. This is a team that have not been in the top flight of English football since 1947, when their war decimated side slid away from the first English league, not to return for nearly three-quarters of a century. Now they are back, and we’re recently the first team in Europe to win at Manchester City’s Etihad since Tottenham Hotspur [back in April?].

The long-haired and youthful Thomas Frank, the manager who shamelessly chews gun with his mouth open, is the man who has managed the West London side to its current standing. This side completed the double over David Moyes’ seventh finishing Hammers in 2021-22.

This evening follows on swiftly from West Ham’s 1-3 reverse at the Emirates on Boxing Day, possibly a little too swiftly for comfort. Nevertheless it’s West Ham who are first to the ball for the opening fifteen minutes, with Declan Rice hitting the outside of the post from 25 yards and then a Dawson header skidding a foot wide from a Bowen corner. After Scamacca shoots straight at Raya from a good position, Brentford take the lead. Mathias Jensen’s long throw is headed on by Ethan Pinnock to Nørgaard, whose instinctive volley is superbly saved by Fabianski only for Ivan Toney to smartly tuck away the rebound.

Two minutes from the end of the first half, Cresswell is caught on the wrong foot as Josh Dasilva chases a long clearance, and his acceleration and a smart finish sees the Bees go in for the half time break with a two goal lead.

The second half seems an excellent a opportunity to regroup and fight for a point, but Hammers are flat-footed by a well-organised and unforgiving Brentford defence, and the unthinkable has to be considered, Hammers and the possibility of spending the last day of the year in the bottom three.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 33 Emerson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 15 Craig Dawson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 28 Tomas Souček

RAGEH AGAINST THE ARSENAL

Arsenal 3 West Ham 1

On my way to be part of West Ham’s annual thankless pilgrimage to the Emirates Stadium, I found myself unexpectedly sitting next to Arsenal fan Rageh Omaar (ITV News Reporter) and his wife, two kids and father-in-law, all travelling to the game, like me, from west London. Throwing aside any civilised politeness I may have previously laid claim to, I listened in to their conversation attentively, observing the reporter excitedly explaining to his father-in-law all about Arteta’s career as a player, and the accumulation of footballing coincidences that had offered him a unique and startling experience of factionalism. Being a Catalan growing up was as good a start as any, then going on to play for Everton (v Liverpool) and Rangers (v Celtic), both footballing experiences undoubtedly offering him intimate detailed experience of geographical enmity. Omaar failed to mention Tottenham or West Ham as potential cut throat rivals to Arsenal, much to my disappointment, though when he finally reduced the level of conversation to the banality of Arteta’s team selection and formation for the evening game, he found himself suddenly and horribly upstaged by his previously taciturn daughter, who clearly knew everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours around the wretched club. It was all great pre-match entertainment, but no decent or fair preparation for what I was about to witness.

Gabriel Jesus misses a game for Arsenal for the first time due to an injury received at the World Cup in Qatar with Brazil. Lucas Paquetá, from the same side however, is fit. But still not looking much in this West Ham team. Maybe tonight that changes. We wait to see.

Antonio is back but Scamacca is still absent. All these variables, and Arsenal with a 100% home record going into their last home game of 2022. We wouldn’t want to spoil that, of course, even if we could.

After just five minutes a loose ball from Rice is intercepted by Saliba, who feeds Ødegaard, and his through ball is well back heeled by Nketiah to Saka who thumps it past Fabianski. So simple. But fortunately offside. Twenty minutes later Ødegaard is a foot from finishing at the same near post, having been put in by Saka. It isn’t nice to watch for a follower of the opposition.

A minute later Coufal picks out Antonio who this time gets the better of Saliba and puts Bowen in who is felled by the same man chasing back, and Benrahma dispatches the penalty. So simple, but like his goal against Palace before the World Cup break, this has wounded the lion, not put it to sleep.

The referee Michael Oliver tries to put things right with the home crowd by awarding a penalty to Arsenal a few minutes before the break after a shot from Ødegaard strikes Cresswell on the head, but after a consultation with Dr. Var and a brief lesson in anatomy, the penalty is cancelled. Arteta, even having seen the conclusive replay on the big screen, finds something to complain about.

Seven minutes into the second half after Paquetá is gently hassled off the ball and the first of three has arrived. Ødegaard’s mishit shot is gathered by Saka and steered past Fabianski. Six minutes later and Arsenal have the lead when Saka hassles Rice off the ball and Xhaka feeds Martinelli wide on the left who beats Fabianski at the near post. Shocking.

The third comes twenty minutes from time when Saka robs Cresswell and Nketiah turns Kehrer sublimely before hammering the wide ball past Fabianski. This goal is actually quite magical to watch, but again you would have to be a neutral or an Arsenal fan to feed even slightly on its beauty.

So, a defeat to the league leaders who have only lost once all season. Does that make it any easier to bear? Getting beat is still getting beat, and the season is just starting to look a little like something from a bygone age (or a pre-Covid one, in any case).

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 15 Craig Dawson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 8 Pablo Fornals, 72 Divin Mubama

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma (penalty)

LAST HOPES

West Ham 0 Leicester City 2

‘You’re going down with the Forest.’

Just a few weeks ago West Ham were anticipating back to back wins that would lift them out of the bottom half of the table and into a position where they might consolidate a decent finish to the first half of the season. As it is, exit from the League Cup and defeat in the last minute against Crystal Palace last Sunday seem to have returned London Stadium to its 2016 status as an East End morgue.

So where has it all gone wrong? Well somewhere along the way Gianluca Scamacca has metamorphosed into Sébastien Haller, and West Ham now find themselves in a Groundhog Day striker situation. Michail Antonio still has the strength, but not the pace, and his judgement on whether to pass, cross or shoot has also been seriously challenged. Plus he is AWOL today with no clue to be found as to what he’s up to…

Another puzzle is that last season Hammers’ ability to spread the ball across to either side of the pitch, finding players in space at will, seems to have disappeared. The midfield is now always road blocked and forward passes go astray or are blocked and ricochet in the opposite direction. Rice’s ability to turn defence into attack appears to have been telegraphed by every opponent.

As early as the 8th minute, Leicester reveal a weakness in pace and judgement from Thilo Kehrer, and the ensuing break and shower of short accurate passes in the Hammers’ defence ends in Harvey Barnes’ cross being side footed into the roof of the net by James Maddison. Maddison’s midweek call up to the  England World Cup Squad in Qatar has clearly continued to enrich his mid-season form, and when he is prematurely substituted in the 25th minute, a third of the way into the game – he already looks like the match winner.

Hammers are carrying an early injury setback after Zouma is replaced by Aguerd, so are twice unsettled early on in a game they need to win to avoid three home reverses in a single week. After a clever but easily fielded header from Paquetá is caught under the bar by Danny Ward, Leicester begin to build again, and Patson Daka’s run is abruptly curtailed by Dawson’s challenge in the area. Although West Ham break away and Leicester finally look vulnerable as they are committed up front, the referee calls the players back to Dawson’s challenge and promptly awards a penalty to the east midlanders. To go two down just before half-time is unthinkable, and Fabianski is of the right mindset to repudiate the unthinkable, diving to his right to keep Tielemans’ effort out.

Hammers are a little more fluid just before the break, but Leicester’s defence holds firm and keeps their opponents at bay.

The second half does not produce the revived home onslaught that fans have clearly hoped for. ‘Your support is fucking shit!’ Leicester fans opine, not unreasonably, but they’re not the ones contemplating three defeats in a week.

Towards the end, the Souček for Benrahma substitution repeats itself for the second time in a week, but this time Souček receives an ovation commensurate with this afternoon’s dogged performance. He often appears top of the stats in terms of tackles and completed passes, but Moyes still finds himself kow-towing slightly to those who would remove Souček from the starting line up altogether.

Leicester decide on a couple of late consolidator substitutions whose appearance seal the victory.

This is a season where West Ham have suffered 0-2 home reverses against three teams who wear blue; Manchester City, Brighton and Leicester. Everton are still to visit early next year.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 15 Craig Dawson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 11 Lucas Paquetá, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Gianluca Scamacca

Substitutes: 27 Nayef Aguerd, 8 Pablo Fornals

THE PENALTY FOR FAILURE
West Ham 2 Blackburn Rovers 2 *
(*Blackburn win 10-9 on penalties)

Some are seeing this as David Moyes’ last chance to win a domestic trophy. Others are keen to suspend judgement. Many think Hammers have become a side dependent on cup success to wring something out of an otherwise disappointing season. And we are only in early November.

With Coventry, Downes, Ogbonna and Lanzini starting, this is a chance for Hammers would-be first teasers to show what they are capable of. And it is a misguided long throw from Ogbonna that Antonio fails to pick up cleanly that sets Blackburn up on their first genuine attack. Tayo Edun, picking the ball up on the halfway line, feeds Jack Vale who slots easily past Areola and beyond Aguerd’s vainglorious arm, outstretched for a non-existent offside. A goal down to the travelling Championship side after just six minutes.

Blackburn compete without much difficulty until just before half time when a long ball from Coufal sees Antonio wrestling off the challenge of Clinton Mola and square the ball straight to Carter, but instead of clearing with his outstretched leg, the ball hits his standing foot and finds Fornals who lashes home a grateful equaliser to keep the sides level at half time. Fornals had hit just a single goal in 33 games, but has now hit three in a week.

The next five minutes suggest that Hammers may well be entering an unwanted run of self-imposed defeats, as Coventry’s exquisitely daft and unnecessary back pass gifts Dolan Markanday with a chance to restore Blackburn’s lead, denied by Aguerd’s vigilant block on the line.

In the second half Hammers up their game and force a host of corners, one of which Antonio manages to slam against the post he was leaning against a few seconds earlier, when it might have been easier to try to blow the ball in from there.

Finally Hammers achieve the reward they imagine will clinch the game and send them into the next round after Aguerd’s long ball isn’t cleared sufficiently well, and Antonio fires home from just inside the area.

Despite the fact that Blackburn are the only side in the league not to have drawn a single game, they force home an 85th minute equaliser after Downes loses a loose ball to Szmodics, whose pass to his substitute partner Brereton Diaz is dispatched mercilessly into the top corner of Areola’s net.

And so to penalties. Hammers once beat Blackburn at Ewood Park in the days of Johnny Hartson. These, though, are the days of Hammers’ captains missing penalties, and taking West Ham’s tenth, Ogbonna hits the underside of the bar and not the target, so it’s a second defeat in a week and a reminder of the joys of penalties to come for England in Qatar, a few weeks hence.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 8 Pablo Fornals, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 33 Emerson, 12 Flynn Downes, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 32 Conor Coventry, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 3 Aaron Cresswell

Goalscorers: Pablo Fornals, Michail Antonio

MILIVOJEVIC’S PALACE

West Ham 1 Crystal Palace 2

Again, the Palace. This team who, under Patrick Viera, have worked the Arsenal hoodoo over West Ham at London Stadium. Devoid of their genie loanee Conor Gallagher, it is a team with other can-opening goal merchants. Eze and Zaha are not opportunists to mess with. And guess what? They haven’t won away since April and haven’t scored in their last three away games. Guess we all know what that means.

Fabianski is the busier of the two goalkeepers in the first twenty minutes, fielding a tricky free kick from Eze and a few minutes later nervously watching the same player’s turn and shot go just a foot wide. Then, just while the cynics are consulting their form stop watches, Paquetá feeds Benrahma, and the defence opens up to allow him a shot at goal which he drills into the top corner.

Goooooooaaaaaaaaaal!

That is somewhat incredibly Saïd Benrahma’s one hundredth game for the Hammers, and that is a goal 100% against the run of play.

Hammers sit on the lead somewhat and so, twenty minutes later, when Dawson’s optimistic ball out to Kehrer sees the German robbed by Eze, his clever ball through to Zaha is pumped past Fabianski. Dawson’s minimal attention ensures that the central striker is unhurried in his finish, spectacular though it is.

Moyes is concerned enough about another lacklustre home performance to bring Antonio, Lanzini and Downes on, but this seems to paradoxically inspire Palace for whom Zaha bursts through only to be this time robbed by a last minute save tackle from Dawson.

Lanzini now puts Antonio through, and though Guéhi’s challenge is initially judged worthy of a penalty kick, the shining steed of VAR leaps to the rescue to deny the momentary penalty, much to the joy and relief of the Palace defenders. At the other end ex-Hammer Jordan Ayew hits in a low cross that Dawson almost slots past Fabianski.

In the first minute of injury time, Antonio bursts wide down the right but, with Bowen, Downes, Fornals and Kehrer salivating in the middle for a decent ball, merely chips the ball into the keeper’s outstretched hands. The ball out finds Eze who squares to Zaha and his ball wide to Olisé is chipped over Fabianski into the top corner, spinning up and home via a heavy deflection from the outstretched boot of Cresswell.

Great.

The promise of the late winner becomes anything but for Hammers, after another disappointing and lifeless performance. At least we have another two stabs at winning in the week before the World Cup break.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 15 Craig Dawson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 12 Flynn Downes, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Gianluca Scamacca

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 12 Flynn Downes, 8 Pablo Fornals

Goalscorer: Saïd Benrahma

THE HOUSE OF BUCHAREST

FCSB 0 West Ham 3

This was always going to be a football match remembered for being where fate placed us on the evening of the death of our sovereign, Elizabeth II.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 12 Flynn Downes, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 14 Maxwel Cornet, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 11 Lucas Paquetà, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 8 Pablo Fornals, 15 Craig Dawson

Goalscorers: Pablo Fornals (2), Joyskim Dawa (og)

THE DEVILS YOU KNOW

Manchester United 1 West Ham 0

Cristiano Ronaldo needs two goals to reach a career total of 500 before his team’s game against West Ham. Something suggests he will still need two more, ninety minutes from now. Michail Antonio himself is one away from his personal century. Now that might also be tougher, especially given he’s not starting this afternoon.

Manchester United have won 7 of their last 9 games, but then West Ham have won 6 of their last 8. Both sides have only lost once each in those runs.The winner today will be the team that adjusts most quickly to the warm but wet conditions.

Manchester United have a few headers on target early on, but Fabianski is well positioned for all of them. Even when he isn’t, Souček, and then Kehrer, come to the rescue. Rice is on show in this exhibition match, and Hammers are looking plausible point takers in this game for much of the first half hour. Thilo Kehrer on a run links with Bowen at the end of it, but the England striker has his shot blocked and is, in any case, offside.

Hammers’ miserable away form this season includes two penalties missed and has been the main reason why they are currently mid table. Marcus Rashford arrives late to head Eriksen’s great curling cross high into the net in the final five minutes of the half, to douse Hammers’ optimism from their efforts in the first 45.

Hard to see just what Hammers can do to start improving their away form, but other than this game and a dead rubber of a Europa Conference League fixture in Romania there is no other chance of improving it before the World Cup Premier League break.

Scamacca, having copped a yellow in the first half for a striker’s defensive tackle in his own box, is fortunate not to get a red for a high kicking effort early on, and is sacrificed for Antonio in the 55th minute, so maybe that century career goal is still on.

Closest of all in the dying minutes is Zouma whose brilliant header is clawed away by De Gea, just minutes after Antonio has also forced him into tipping one over. Then Bowen’s flicked effort is knocked off the line by MacGuire, and a brilliant twenty yarder from Rice is tipped around the post by De Gea in injury time. Manchester United have somehow managed to keep West Ham out despite being second best for most of the half.

The irony of all ironies is that at the end, on the eve of his twenty-fifth birthday, it’s Marcus Rashford who scores his hundredth goal for Manchester United, becoming only the 22nd in the club’s history to reach that milestone. I guess I forgot about him in the first paragraph of this report. That now seems a long way away…

West Ham. Supporting this team has always been the effort of a lifetime. So many disappointments, but always worth it for games like Lyon and the home wins over Liverpool and Chelsea last season. There will be much much more. This is a great squad, and when that final third is negotiated, the points and trophies will arrive.

I lm the meantime I am now moving to the study to grab my passport in preparation for the final Europa Conference League fixture in Bucharest this Thursday. Even a dead rubber currently looks appealing after this afternoon’s disappointment.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 15 Craig Dawson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 12 Flynn Downes, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Gianluca Scamacca

Substitutes: 13 Alphonse Ariola, 9 Michail Antonio, 8 Pablo Fornals

DANISH PASTING

West Ham 1 Silkeborg IF 0

Since their first three home PL games of the 2022-23 season, West Ham United have recorded five successive home wins, and if they make it 6/6 tonight they will get a little closer to equalling their best ever recent record run of home victories, 9, recorded between September 1997 and January 1998.

How good was that team? It featured Ferdinand, Lampard, captain Steve Lomas, Hartson, Berkovic, Pearce, Lazaridis and Unsworth.

Ireland’s new midfield general Conor Coventry joins West Ham’s collection of International starters for this evening’s Europa Conference League game.

If they win or draw tonight West Ham will also qualify for the last 16 of the Europa Conference League, the first match of which isn’t until Thursday 9th March next year. It will be handy to miss out on having to play the last 32 round in February for the second successive season.

Silkeborg FC are on a great run themselves having won both of their last Europa Conference League games 5-0, and both against FCSB, who West Ham play next week. They are also after revenge for their 2-3 home defeat in September, a game where West Ham’s new European signings first began to show their class.

The first half, however, offers anything but class, as Hammers find themselves caught out in the last quarter of the pitch for the first twenty minutes. Halfway through the first half, Antonio manages to pounce first on a loose ball in the area and Silkeborg concede a soft penalty as Nicolas Larsen catches him inside the box when he looked unlikely to fashion a chance with the possession. Lanzini steps up to take it and fires home to put the Hammers ahead.

Nayef Aguerd makes his debut, and the £30m 26 year old Moroccan looks an excellent purchase, calm on the ball and lively and accurate with his distribution. Perhaps he will take over the captain’s mantle from Rice, should he depart at the end of the season.

Both Benrahma and Fornals have heading opportunities later in the half, and Fornals should have scored early in the second with only the keeper to beat but he screws his shot wide. Silkeborg have a couple of chances late in the game that Areola saves well, but there’s little to worry Moyes’ side who qualify for the last sixteen after the group stage for a second season in succession. They will again have the luxury of a last group game dead rubber next week, so may send a junior side out to Bucharest for their final group game.

13 Alphonse Areola, 2 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 8 Pablo Fornals, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 27 Nayef Aguerd, 33 Emerson, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 32 Conor Coventry, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 41 Declan Rice, 28 Tomas Souček, 12 Flynn Downes, 24 Thilo Kehrer

Goalscorer: Manuel Lanzini (penalty)

TAKING THE CHERRIES

West Ham 2 AFC Bournemouth 0

Oh I do like the opportunity of climbing five places in the PL table by merely recording a single win. And that is the fate awaiting the Hammers if they can overcome Gary O’Neil’s plucky south coast side, a team that Harry Redknapp often watches on his spare Saturdays.

Gary O’Neil is no stranger to West Ham supporters, making 48 league appearances for the club between 2011 and 2013, and scoring three goals. Wearing the number 32 shirt, O’Neil was one of the starting XI for the 2-1 Football League Championship play off final win over Blackpool.

Tonight he is in temporary charge of AFC Bournemouth. What is immediately obvious about this Bournemouth side is that to get into its starting XI you need to be six foot four and slender as a beanpole.

On their travels, AFC Bournemouth have managed a creditable 1-1 draw at Newcastle as well as a 9-0 drubbing at Anfield that saw Scott Parker, the architect of their last season promotion, summarily dismissed. This is the man who gets teams into the top flight but is rarely allowed to enjoy their Premier League status for very long.

O’Neil is in charge while Bournemouth look for a successor to Parker. They haven’t had too much luck in that department so far. The job may still go to O’Neil if he avoids the calamitous reverse suffered by his predecessor.

The first fifteen minutes play suggest the calamitous reverse is not happening this evening. Zouma is on the ball and marshalling things exquisitely in defence. Cresswell creates an early chance for Souček but the Czech can’t get up high enough to get the header right and he heads over. Neto makes a great save from Cresswell’s volley shortly afterwards, and then from Souček after Scamacca pulls the ball across in front of the last defender.

Flynn Downes has started again this evening for the third time in a row and is looking very comfortable in that central midfield position. Solanka and Neto are injured in close succession as Hammers begin to take hold of the game.

However, when it comes, deep into first half injury time, Hammers’ opener is something of a lame affair, Zouma rising to an goalbound cross following an inswinging Jarrod Bowen corner. He gets the back of his head to the ball after Bournemouth keeper Neto shows no real desire to clear it. Unfortunately, Kehrer’s contact in the build up looks rather like a handball, and the crowd hold their breath as VAR is consulted. They needn’t have worried. It’s a goal.

Despite further complaints, the ragged Bournemouth defence trudge back to the halfway line, crestfallen and still less than happy with the referee’s decision.

As the relatively incident-free second half draws to a close, Coufal hits a powerful cross into the Bournemouth area, which strikes Zemura on the arm, is immediately adjudged to have been an ‘unnatural’ contact, and West Ham find they have a penalty. Benrahma is the nearest thing Hammers have onfield in terms of a penalty taker, and so he steps up and dispatches the spot kick. Hoorah. West Ham are finally, at least until next Saturday, registering a place in the top half of the Premier League table.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 12 Flynn Downes, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Gianluca Scamacca

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 8 Pablo Fornals, 5 Vladimir Coufal

Goalscorers: Kurt Zouma, Saïd Benrahma (penalty)

Goalscorers: Kurt Zouma, Saïd Benrahma (penalty)

ANFIELD HAZE

Liverpool 1 West Ham 0

West Ham seem to have been losing to Liverpool by a single goal at Anfield for some years now. So how do we set about stopping the rot? Perhaps you have to consider stopping the scousers from scoring. That’s be a start, at least. They are unbeaten at home in 27 games. Well Zouma is back, so a back four, finally.

Nunez starts for Liverpool and looks a handful straight away, confusing defenders by wearing a shirt with ‘Darwin’ on the back. For an obvious fan of natural selection, he hasn’t started in a Liverpool shirt for some time, but then Hammers haven’t lost under floodlights for thirteen games.

A long ball from Thiago after quarter of an hour finds Nunez, who hits a blistering shot over Fabianski, but the keeper stretches out a fin to keep it out. Ten minutes later Nunez gets on the end on a pin point perfect cross from Tsimikas to this time head past Fabianski. Irritatingly it is another ball headed down that bounces over Fabianski’s outstretched hand. Guess that’s the only way you beat him these days other than by deflections.

A minute later, a slip by Johnson lets Nunez in again, but Fabianski beats out his shot to safety. Then, with five minutes left, Thiago chips a neat ball in that Nunez gathers off Kehrer to hit powerfully past Fabianski, but the ball comes back off the upright and he miscues the rebound.

Without a decent chance all half, Hammers then cultivate an opportunity to pull level from a Downes header through to Bowen who is fouled in the area by Joe Gomez. The referee says no. VAR says yes. Bowen fluffs it with a weak hit to the keeper’s right, which Allison telegraphs perfectly.

The second half is a more evenly-paced affair, but Hammers make some generous errors including one by Kehrer that lets Henderson in to set Firmino up for a toe poke deflected wide by Cresswell with the keeper beaten. Nunez is off in the 57th minute for Harvey Elliott, and doesn’t even notch up a full hour of play.

On 70 minutes, the first decent outfield West Ham chance is created from Downes and Rice which Benrahma wasted by shooting straight at Allison with the goal at his mercy. Jones then misses a clear chance for Liverpool before Zouma deflects a cross onto his own crossbar and away to safety.

With ten minutes to go, Scamacca hits a far post chance into the stratosphere.

In the final positive act of the game, Bowen creates a clear chance for Souček, whose goalbound shot is deflected wide by James Milner. Well, they beat Manchester City at the weekend, so what can you bloody do.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 8 Pablo Fornals, 12 Flynn Downes, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Gianluca Scamacca

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma

RALPH’S LAST GAME (IS IT?)

Southampton 1 West Ham 1

Of course – it might not be. We can only hope. Then there is always trepidation in away journeys to this rarely-full ground, and today, amongst the 20 thousand or so spectators, something sulphurous and decidedly unpleasant seems be floating in the air. Not to mention the thousand or so Covid fans who cough and splutter airborne germs throughout each extended leg of the journey to the ground.

The transport to this game today is actually the worst I’ve had to endure for many years. South Western Trains must have planned their Engineering Works for this weekend in 2016.

When I finally reach Eastleigh (as far as the train goes today in the direction of Southampton), I quickly manage to secure a decent seat on one of the rail replacement buses provided, only for it to join, within ten minutes of setting out on its journey to Southampton Central, a three and a half mile traffic jam downhill into the city.

A mile further on, and google calculates that if I get off the bus and walk the 2.4 remaining miles to the ground, I will get there by 13.56. And if I don’t… it’s a long walk… but if I don’t get off this bus now then I’m pretty sure I might still be on it by the time the game finishes.

The time calculated to walk the distance to the ground at this point can be further reduced by a burst of fast walking. So how many minutes do you think I can cut off the walking estimate by the time I reach St. Mary’s? Clue: I get into my standing seat comfortably for the kick off. Answer TBC shortly.

The game starts with a frenetic spleen burst of action at both ends, with Fabianski making a couple of superb saves, and Scamacca twice coming close to scoring. It might be my imagination, but West Ham look so much better this afternoon than their gathered ragtag and bobtail stripe-shirted and half-witted opposition. So when Southampton actually take the lead after twenty minutes it comes as something of a surprise. Not least because in the lead up to the goal Kyle Walker-Peter’s takes what looks like a foul throw, which the linesman (who is three feet away) and the referee seem to miss. The ball is deflected, too from the boot of Romain Perraud, who celebrates his goal as if his shot has single-handedly engineered the deflection from Johnson that takes it past Fabianski. The Hammers’ players then crowd around the ref who also managed to block Bowen’s path to tackling Perraud before he shoots, but it seems as though someone has forgot to turn the VAR on, maybe to save electricity.

Now I begin to notice something slightly irritating about Hammers’ away day supporters, most of whom are behind me, carping their disgruntlement. So many of them are moaning and groaning even as West Ham get into their match groove. The expectation since the arrival of David Moyes has clearly been inflated to an obscene sense of entitlement that only a goal, or a scholarship at Eton, can assuage.

The first half has plenty in it for West Ham to crow about, but few could argue that one area it remains bereft in is the goal department. Scamacca hits a blinding twenty-five yard strike that curls just wide at the last minute, Paquetá then hits several half-volleys just over, or wide when he manages to keep them down. But ultimately – no goal. Yet.

As the second half kicks off, things start to look a little bleak, not least because the stadium announcer has revealed in the break that due to a lack of replacement bus drivers, there will now be no coaches to Eastleigh after the game, and fans will ‘have to make their own travel arrangements’ to get home. Come on love, you are kidding. I mean, WTF?

This guy behind me is beginning to really piss me off with his nagging bad form rap. Especially ten minutes into the half when we’ve been all over this tinpot bunch of Championship wannabes. So I turn round and tell him. Are you watching this match, mate? We are all over this lot. Paquetá heads against the foot of the post with the goal gaping, Fabs hasn’t even touched the ball yet this half and, anyway, WE ARE GOING TO SCORE ANY MINUTE.

This guy seems surprised that I have challenged his complaining so directly, and he actually nods sympathetically. I think he believes me. Which is just as well because when Declan Rice finally hits the equaliser, three minutes later, bursting into the Southampton area like an unstoppable tornado, plays a one two with Benrahma before planting his curled shot right in the corner of the net, it does seem momentarily like I know what I’m talking about.

Goaaaaaaaaallasso!

With 25 minutes still remaining, this surely has to now culminate in us taking all three points home. But, despite some huffing and much puffing, the Hammers’ 70% possession does not translate into the further (winning) goal that I was sure it would, so we have to be satisfied with a point and the fact that our unbeaten run in all competitions has been extended by a single further fixture.

And for those who still remember that TBC promise, my phone said I’d be at the ground at 13.56 when I got off the bus. As it happens, I saw the first hi-vis police jacket in the away end at 13.45. Eleven minutes! Even if Google Maps only deals in gimmer time, that’s still quite impressive, you have to admit.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 33 Emerson, 28 Tomas Souček, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 20 Jarrod Bowen, 7 Gianluca Scamacca

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio, 10 Manuel Lanzini

Goalscorer: Declan Rice

BELGIAN BUMS ON RIPPED OUT SEATS

West Ham 2 Anderlecht 1

Belgium is famous for three things, as far as I can see. Jacques Brel, tons of concrete and local parks full of dog schitt. Their capital Brussels also produced a team who were quite good in the 70s and robbed us of what would have been a second European title in 1976.

Two things seem likely from this game, the second time we have played them in a week. The first is that West Ham will get the point they need to qualify for the knock out stages of the Conference League. The second is a goal from Jarrod Bowen which will establish him as West Ham’s greatest ever European striker with 6 goals, easing him ahead of such Hammers’ notables as Budgie Byrne, David Cross and Brian Dear (and he has managed that incredible achievement in less than a single calendar year).

There is a third thing likely, too, involving the Anderlecht fans and flares, not the sartorial kind, that clearly guaranteed a decent turn out of Metropolitan Bobbies. Plenty to view then, as well as a round of solid tunes, exhibited by our now resident DJ, [Gary Bloke] and a pretty decent light show, too.

The game begins at a leisurely pace, Hammers stroking the ball around with training ground precision, and a focus on turning each move into an attack. Cresswell and Coufal operate as wing backs, both running the risk of ending up in an offside position several times in the first quarter of an hour. As it concludes, Hammers win a free kick on the edge of the area which Cresswell and Benrahma stand over, scheming. Benrahma’s stand out performance last season was away to another Belgian club Genk, who he hit the target twice against on their ground. Tonight he has the goal in his sights as he steps up to take the kick, his strike curling in the air before dropping expertly into the lower far corner of the net.

A quarter of an hour later, a well constructed passing move finds Bowen loose in the box, and he turns on it with athleticism to steer the ball into the other corner to the one he was facing, tricking the goalkeeper and hitting the back of the other side of the net. Wow. It just looks so simple when Moyes’ magicians do that kind of stuff. Paquetá and Benrahma tap their way round the edge of the pitch, pirouetting and dancing past the mesmerised Belgian defenders until half-time arrives to at least temporarily put them out of their collective dumbfounded misery.

The second half is another fine display of passing eloquence that does not let Anderlecht or their mercurial striker Fábio Silva (wearing 99) in for anything meaningful. At least not until the final minute when Esposito slots home a ludicrous penalty, this one awarded against Ben Johnson for an accurate ball-winning tackle against the Spaniard on the edge of the area. There is no VAR at the group stage of this competition but as it’s the first significant referee’s decision that has gone against them, Rice and Moyes make no complaints. All that’s left to do for the visiting fans is to light a few more flares and rip out a stack of London Stadium seats. Safe journey home, guys.

The maths now is simple. West Ham have qualified for the knockout stages with two games to spare, and need a single point from their final two games to get a bye through to the last sixteen of this competition. Seems a long time since that defeat at the City Ground back in August.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell (captain), 5 Vladimir Coufal, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 12 Flynn Downes, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 33 Emerson, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 15 Craig Dawson, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 41 Declan Rice, 28 Tomas Souček

Goalscorers: Saïd Benrahma, Jarrod Bowen

FULHAM – RUNNING ON EMPTY

West Ham United 3 Fulham 1

The news that we all receive with embarrassed joy is that Mitrovic will not be starting for Fulham this afternoon. You know, the one who scores in every game, although even he rarely scores in the ones he doesn’t appear in.

Moyes has made the necessary team adjustment to start with Scamacca, alongside the speed and thrust of Jarrod Bowen. Downes is probably a little unlucky not to make the cut after his showing in Anderlecht, but that bench looks like it could give it a go themselves. A happy daze.

The first test of the Weebly Hammers (wobble, but they don’t fall down) comes in the fifth minute when, from out on the left in the Masuaku / Dinamo Zagreb position, Andreas Pereira hits in a dipping shot which clears Fabianski’s outstretched right arm and drops into the corner of the net. Even the PA Announcer (ahem) takes fifteen seconds to announce it – we later find out it’s a problem with the mike. Before fifteen minutes have elapsed, Fulham’s Dan James hits the bar from twenty yards out with Fabianski flapping again. Fulham are flying. Not a great start for the home side.

Hammers finally gather their shirt tails and begin to knock the ball around. Paquetá, adjusting to the pace of the PL, looks more impressive each game he plays. Scamacca should have had a hat trick over the next ten minutes, but screws the ball wide, has a header blocked and another brilliantly saved by Rodák.

The equaliser then arrives along an unexpected route, Dawson floored by Pereira from Bowen’s corner. Third floor.

Bowen himself tucks the penalty away after some shameless gamesmanship time wasting from Fulham. And that’s how it remains until half-time.

The second half demonstrates more evidence of the pitch being Paquetá’s playground. Twenty minutes in and Hammers fashion the chance that Scamacca has been waiting for, his chip over Rodák dropping perfectly into the goal behind him. VAR is troubled for a possible offside and then a handball, but they eventually run out of reasons to disallow it so the goal stands.

With ten minutes to go, Antonio is on for Scamacca. The fresh legs add something to the attacking mix and Fulham end the game massively on the back foot. As injury time beckons, Hammers’ number 9 eases through to place the ball into the back of the net after the goalkeeper and defender collide. After another lengthy VAR enquiry, the goal stands. It’s a final score that flatters ludicrously, but few of the fans left in the stadium complain.

Memories momentarily tail back to ‘My Panenka’ – the knack of that terrible injury time penalty from Ademola Lookman that could have rescued Fulham in the November 2020 midweek six pointer, thankfully now just a passing memory. The games over the next fortnight may yet have the Hammers climbing up the table towards a third successive European spot for next year’s campaign.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 15 Craig Dawson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 33 Emerson, 12 Flynn Downes

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen (penalty), Gianluca Scamacca, Michail Antonio

REVENGE – A DISH BEST SERVED ON ICE

Anderlecht 0 West Ham 1

Revenge. Two syllables, but a word in the Eintracht Frankfurt vocabulary since early this year. Tonight it’s West Ham’s turn.

A second successive adventure in a European competition, and whaddya ya know, a second successive portion of the Belgians at the group stage. Slightly more central (west Brussels), and a team we’ve played before (albeit 46 years ago), but still a place we can get to without the need to leave the ground.

The ground itself is the best part of an hour’s walk from the city centre, through some areas with a Middle Eastern familiarity, offering a fabulous array of seismic vegetables, exotic coffees and unbearably delicious smelling street food. Once we’d got through this, we found a gathering of Hammers on a street corner, their table festooned with glasses of beer, some empty and others at various stages of decanter, and some anonymous glass bowls of savoury shelled peanuts.

The game is an early kick off, allowing the chance of some food afterwards, or a simple flagon of 13.5% proof Belgian lager to drown our sorrows. Or sorrow. Here we are warned about the dangers of spontaneous theft from the locals; that is we’re warned by the locals about theft from the locals. Whether the two groups were related we never get to find out, as the local constabulary moves them on before they can develop their problematic narrative any further.

Anderlecht, the purple-kitted opposition; their unexpected nickname: Les Mauves. The last time they won anything was the Belgian League, in 2016-17, which was also West Ham’s first season in their new London Stadium home. They beat West Ham in the final of the European Cup-Winners Cup in 1976 and won it again two years later, beating Austria Wien in the final. UEFA ditched the competition the following year, as Anderlecht had also appeared in the 1977 final, losing that year to Hamburg SV. It was getting boring having them in the final every year.

It’s unlikely however that the European Conference League will be ditched at the end of what is only its second year; first because Anderlecht haven’t been in a final yet, and second because that would just be stupid.

The novelty of a venue that is closer in travelling time than Manchester United, and cheaper too, is that we can can up for the game on the day and return promptly after breakfast. You might argue that it doesn’t feel particularly exotic or even dangerous, but you’d be wrong. This European tour stuff is something we are happy to be enjoying for a second successive season, and I have already Murrayed our chances by booking a hotel for the week of the final in Prague, next June.

We look speculatively, and with wizened eyes, at the team Moyes has picked for this evening’s game. Rice, Paquetá and Scamacca are all on the bench, with Ogbonna sporting the captain’s armband, Johnson returning and Downes making another appearance.

The transparency of the tactics doesn’t make them any less apposite, and the side set about constructing a groove to keep ‘Les Mauves’ at arm’s length. Both Antonio and then Benrahma get into good positions but pansy their chances. Downes proves he can carry the role of the team engine, tackling both elegantly and fiercely, and proving Ogbonna’s first choice of pass out through defence. Coufal looks a little more established in his right back position while Johnson is back to efficient distributor and link choice behind the midfield.

The Anderlecht fan on our right informs us that the Belgians are currently tenth in their domestic league, and the home crowd have been getting on their backs if they haven’t scored in the first fifteen minutes. Which they rarely, if ever, do. Which is why they get on their backs.

After fifteen goalless minutes the home crowd start getting on their backs. It was always going to happen. Sometimes Areola looks as though he will never be beaten, and tonight he is generating that vibe, in spite of a few slightly unco-originated moments in the defence. The focus is on Benrahma for most of the first half, but the Algerian Alessandro Del Piero is unfortunately proving a little more Pierrot than Piero tonight. He could have scored three by half time. But he doesn’t.

Hammers have been given barely a thousand seats in this 21,500 capacity stadium, but by half-time the sounds issuing from each set of supporters seems not to be reflecting the ratio it should in volume. We all have our theories about how Moyes is going to change it in the second half as the teams go in for the break.

Predictability is only to be criticised if it yields disappointments. Tonight, the job is well done, if a tad prosaic. Benrahma, Antonio and Lanzini make way for Paquetá, Scamacca and Rice early in the second half.

There are three incidents in the ensuing half worthy of remark. The first is an early slightly speculative long ball from Rice, hunting out Paquetá, wide on the right. The ball initially seems to have been a little over hit, but Paquetá brings it down from his airborne position with the back of his angled feet, and rotates his body perfectly to progress goalwards with the ball in front of his advancing steps.

The second is the goal. Again the ball is hit over from the left, and the stooping Coufal heads back to Paquetá, who controls and flicks the ball between the last two defenders where Scamacca has suddenly appeared, his run timed perfectly. And he rolls his right foot over the ball and into the back of the Anderlecht net, past Hendrik Van Crombrugge, club captain and goalkeeper.

The third is a break from the hosts, just minutes from time, where a measured cross from the right by the industrious Murillo evades Johnson and Ogbonna to find Fabio Silva, whose powerful downward header is expertly saved on the line by Ariola, and scrambled away to safety.

Job done, and this against a side who have yet to concede a goal in the tournament. Moyes can be forgiven for cracking a knowing smile as he applauds his team off to the dressing room. Three group games, all three in the group played and beaten, nine points from nine. A mere point in next Thursday’s home fixture against tonight’s opponents will almost certainly guarantee winning the group and claiming a subsequent bye through to the last sixteen.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 12 Flynn Downes, 15 Craig Dawson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 33 Emerson, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 11 Lucas Paquetá, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 41 Declan Rice

Goalscorer: Gianluca Scamacca

WOLVES IN CHEAP CLOTHING

West Ham 2 Wolverhampton Wanderers 0

Like suddenly being dealt a 22 card hand, David Moyes must wonder what his best First XI might now be for a Premier League game. Following a season when West Ham managed to score in every home fixture, they have currently only netted one single home goal.

The big question on social media is why has Moyes not started a top flight game with his striker Gianluca Scamacca? The lanky Italian has yet to score in the Premier League, but he has yet to start at home. So, today, a quick butcher’s at the teamsheet reveals that this is Scamacca’s big chance. If he takes it with both hands, he may find himself starting every game.

Michail Antonio meanwhile has been chalking up the air miles, and the international minutes, having played nearly 90 for Jamaica in the week against Argentina. This is perhaps an easy out for Moyes in choosing to keep him on the bench, but as Antonio himself found out all those years ago at Upton Park under Slaven Bilic, if you take your chances with both hands, they will never be able to leave you out of the Starting XI again. Now that chance has fallen to Scamacca, himself part of the Italian international side who beat England 1-0 a week ago.

Wolves, or the Portuguese 2nd XI, are themselves in a bit of a pickle, and if they are beaten this afternoon they will find themselves in the bottom three. But then again they were one of the few sides last season that stopped West Ham from scoring, at Molineux a year ago, where they fought out a narrow 1-0 win. That put the kybosh on West Ham’s impressive start, so Hammers can reverse their bad start in the League and use this game to snap into action.

With all of this in mind, West Ham start the game promisingly, playing one touch training ground routines over the first few minutes, leaving Wolves to watch their shadows before ending up chasing them. Just when it looks as though this might be an annihilation of a win with cricket score chapters, Wolves come to life, Podence and then Moutinho both coming within a whisker of putting the Black Country Bravehearts ahead.

Then, on the half hour, Bowen finally gets his mojo working from Scamacca’s pass, and though his goal bound effort is charged down, the loose ball finds Scamacca who tees himself up for a volley that hits the back of the net before José Sá can move across his goal to field it.

First half injuries to Cornet and Pedro Neto see two early substitutes on in the game, but there is no further addition to the score before half-time. Other than the goal, the first half has been memorable for the form of Dawson, who looks like he’s never been away, and Souček who has missed very little in defence or bringing the ball safely out from there with measured patience, and little fuss.

The second goal comes just after the hour and is part of a team move whose energy has been supplemented by the replacement of Cornet with Fornals. Another passing routine that is begging for punctuation finally receives a capital stamp from Bowen on the edge of the area as he rifles the loose ball left-footed past Sá. Bowen subsequently spectacularly dislocates his finger in front of the Billy Bonds stand, but it is snapped back and put into a temporary splint to allow him to aggravate the Wolves defence. The adrenaline presumably allows him to play on without pain. The camera angle on that break would have invited spontaneous rivulets of vomit from most viewers, but as I don’t have access to replays from where I am, I am thankfully denied the chance to pore over the injury.

It will be interesting to see whether Moyes sticks with this same starting XI when Fulham are the visitors next Sunday, but in the meantime, fans can reflect on the fact that West Ham are out of the bottom three and have managed to almost double their goal tally in a single game, leaping to the dizzy heights of 15th position, level with Aston Villa. The most interesting stat of all to emerge from this game is that with every one of Scamacca’s starts, West Ham have won, and in all but two of these he has scored. What would that have you conclude if you were David Moyes?

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 15 Craig Dawson, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 28 Tomas Souček, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 14 Maxwell Cornet 20 Jarrod Bowen, 41 Declan Rice (captain)

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 8 Pablo Fornals, 33 Emerson

Goalscorers: Gianluca Scamacca, Jarrod Bowen

LOW CENTRE OF DISPARITY

Everton 1 West Ham 0

A trip to Goodison Park has historically tended to confound form. Sadly, this doesn’t look like following the historical trend. Although the bookies seem to have recognised that West Ham currently can’t even knock themselves out shadow boxing, the hope prevails now Moyes squad boasts starters for the German, Italy and Brazil first elevens. And yet West Ham can’t beat ‘relegated by the end of March’ Nottingham Forest or ‘Who Do?’ Brighton and Hove Albion – not even on the Queen Elizabeth Stadium’s hallowed turf.

I am already trying on my ‘dealing with defeat’ face, the one that historically requires little conjuring after most away games in the Premier League. There’ll probably be just the one goal in it, scored by a player whose details I’ll have to check on before I submit my match report.

Most of the first half is spent trying to conjure up mental pictures of Yarmolenko’s brace here in a 3-1 victory some years ago. Before that was the Payet-inspired 3-2 victory after having been 2-0 down, deep into the second half. And the hosts also missed a penalty in that unexpected home defeat.

It’s difficult to know where the feeling comes from when you know it’s not going to be a good day at the Ninety Minutes, but this is possibly one of the worst halves of ‘football’ I have seen in the fifty years plus I’ve been watching it. It’s hard to imagine Everton or West Ham scoring after that. However, there is always the game of two halves theory that has been put to good use over the years. Plus the worry about Neil Maupay. Yes, the man who has always seemed to piss on our chips at the London stadium.

That worry sees horrible fruition when Neil Maupay scores in the 53rd minute. The Brighton link clicks in again.

Now Benrahma hits the inside of the post with the Everton keeper completely beaten. If all the times West Ham hit the post or crossbar were translated into goals, they would have won the Europa League last season and would be in the top six this weekend.

As Scamacca prepares to come on, Ogbonna coaches him and translates Kevin Nolan’s tactics into English. The Italian number one striker is immediately into the action, such as it is. He is tall but doesn’t seem to be able to jump high enough to win any aerial challenges.

And there is is. A last minute opportunity comes to nothing and we have somehow lost this game. Look at the players West Ham have in the team and on the bench. Just what is happening here?

Hammers have somehow managed to secure the status of sole victim for both Everton and Nottingham Forest this season. Their reward is to find themselves members of the Relegation Three over the International Weekend. Not a bad reverse for a team with two likely starters in the England XI away to Italy in the Nations Cup this Friday. Misery kicketh in.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 8 Pablo Fornals, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 11 Lucas Paquetá, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 41 Declan Rice (captain)

Substitutes: 22 Saïd Benrahma, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 14 Maxwell Cornet

DANISH PASTING

Silkeborg IF 2 West Ham 3

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 12 Flynn Downes, 15 Craig Dawson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 33 Emerson, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio

Substitutes: 11 Lucas Paquetá, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 41 Declan Rice

Goalscorer: Gianluca Scamacca, Manuel Lanzini (penalty)

QUEEN ELIZABETH II (1922-2022)

West Ham 3 FCSB 1

This was always going to be a football match remembered for being where fate placed us on the evening of the death of our sovereign, Elizabeth II. On a rude, miserable rainy day, the fans who attended this evening game carried all the appearance of a swarm of drowned rats. There were more away fans in the crowd than usual, as unsold tickets had gone on general sale a couple of days earlier, and had been snatched up by many from the local Romanian community.

West Ham have been drawn against Romanian sides in four of their previous six European adventures, three of the Eastern European outfits knocking the Hammers out over two legs and the other, Politehnica Timisoara, offering little resistance, losing 4-1 over two legs in 1980.

The match programme from the 4-0 win at Upton Park in October 1980 features this memorable paragraph from PA announcer Bill Remfry: ‘If I were to describe to you a country that grows maize, wheat, barley and oats; that raises sheep, cattle, pigs and horses; that has natural resources of oil and gas; and whose people are experts at brewing, distilling and flour milling; you might think I was describing the United Kingdom… but in fact this also is Romania.’

What an amazing piece of writing, I hear you mutter. Yes, you won’t see a single semi-colon in the programme these days, but four in one paragraph from that era, one for every goal West Ham scored that night, that’s quite something.

Tonight, for the first time in a while, there is no threat of an exit at the hands of Romanian opposition, as Hammers are opening their group section of the competition, and have five other games to play catch up if things go wrong tonight. As they soon do. Andrei Cordea puts FCSB a goal up after Emerson, chasing back after one advanced foray too many, leaves him unattended at the far post to slot home Darius Olaru’s low pinpoint cross.

The ailing Gianluca Scamacca is leading the line tonight after his brief layoff with a strength-sapping virus. He is half a stone short of his target weight, and misses two clear chance headers from deep crosses. The cross that he finally gets on the end of with his foot is scuffed wide of the far post with the goalkeeper rooted to the spot. He is assisted up front tonight by Maxwel Cornet who he accidentally kicks in the head when trying for a spectacular aerial finish. It’s the best contact he has in the box for the whole of the first half.

Hammers have failed to get a single shot on target in the first half, but Flynn Downes has impressed as have Ogbonna and Rice playing out of defence.

Half-time by the tea urn is a solemn affair, the lack of chances taken and a poor goal conceded only adding to the funereal press room atmosphere. I watch the replay of the goal on the screens with the other journalists without comment.

My match notes have turned to sludge in the oozing rain, and when West Ham start the second half determined to change things with three substitutes, Bowen, Paquetà and Antonio, I abandon efforts to record the event by pen, opting for later amendment. Scamacca is off to grab a large bowl of pasta the club dietician has thoughtfully provided. Also off are Lanzini and Benrahma, none of them able to instil the magic necessary to create the kind of first half chances that might have generated a West Ham goal.

The substitutions need to work some kind of magic, as a reverse at this stage of the competition would reinforce the notion of Romanian hoodoo, as well as compound the damp squib one league win start to the season. And damp it remains, as the rain teems down, and FCSB continue to press high in the early minutes of the second half. Ogbonna is booked for a late tackle followed by a series of desperate defensive blocks as the shots rain in.

Moyes has gambled on the force and speed of Bowen’s runs to change things. Last year’s European exploits owed a lot to Bowen’s pace and power. Perhaps this can help West Ham get something out of this game.

Ten minutes in to the second half and Ogbonna fouls again. The crowd holds its breath. No red card. Emerson gets booked for his challenge on the goalscorer Cordea. FCSB push forward in search of a second. You get the feeling that the season may well depend on something changing, and changing now. If it would just stop raining, that would be something. Dawa has been immense for FCSB at the back, breaking down every West Ham move. He has something of the Zouma about him. Lumbering in appearance but immense, blocking and distributing with precision.

An hour gone and still nothing on target. Nothing on target in the next half hour will mean defeat. But it’s finally stopped raining. The captain Coman has been an inspiration in midfield, with neat passes and holding up play very much a part of the Romanians’ impressive handling of their London opponents.

And then, in the 64th minute, a hopeful ball into the area from Paquetà sees the FCSB keeper Târnovanu jumping up to grab the cross in a challenge with Cornet, for which he is penalised, and West Ham have a penalty. Like Mendy before him, Târnovanu writhes around on the ground, but with no VAR, the decision is not changed. Cornet is also injured in the challenge, and comes off for Pablo Fornals.

Jarrod Bowen is taking the penalty, and he’s had five minutes to think about where he’s going to put it. Thankfully it proves to be West Ham’s first shot on target of the game, high into the roof of the net. Finally, after a seventy minute wait. Will it make a difference? You bet.

Within five minutes Hammers are ahead, and it’s Emerson with his first goal for West Ham, atoning for his first half error. The left back joins the attack after Fornals and then Bowen put crosses in, and Emerson finally rifles the loose ball home.

It’s raining heavily again now, but Hammers have the lead. A mistake from Emerson lets Cordea in, but Ogbonna is immense and blocks his effort, clearing the ball in the process.  At the other end, Fornals’ powerful effort is beaten out, but Antonio can’t compose himself quickly enough to pocket the rebound.

Two minutes later Fornals links up with Antonio and hits in another powerful shot, which Târnovanu saves well. Antonio is working on Dawa who is now beginning to tire and he has a spot of cramp by the corner flag after a long chase with the Hammers’ striker.

As FCSB threaten again, Rice and Fornals play the ball out of defence superbly with one touch expertise mastered at the training ground. Dawa is substituted with three minutes left for Denis Harut, a blue-shirted Schwarzenegger. Rice wins back possession from a tired ball out of defence and Hammers break in the final minute. His pass frees Fornals whose back heel finds Antonio in space, and he hits home beyond the keeper’s desperate dive.

There are six additional minutes, but the addition of the returning Craig Dawson ensures that they offer no significant challenge, and Hammers are home in a game that for 70 minutes they looked destined to lose. The old guard have proved the match guarantee, and on the day the Queen died, the West Ham fans have been given the chance to cheer home both her memory, and their team.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 33 Emerson, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 12 Flynn Downes, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 14 Maxwel Cornet, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 9 Michail Antonio, 11 Lucas Paquetà, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 8 Pablo Fornals, 15 Craig Dawson

Goalscorers: Jarrod Bowen, Emerson, Michail Antonio.

VAR FROM THE MADLEY CROWD

Chelsea 2 West Ham 1

Emerson, or ‘Waldo’ as the footy academics call him, returns to the club that he was shunned by at the beginning of the season. Whether that motivates him to put in his most serious Premier League shift in a West Ham shirt in the next 90 minutes, only time will tell.

Stamford Bridge, with all its blue flags and twenty-five quid fish and chip portions, has become something of a cauldron of controversy for West Ham over the last few years. That is one of the main reasons why I always hesitate before coughing up the 50 or 60 quid required to sit in the cheap seats and pray the Hammers, or the ref, or VAR, or the cheating Chelsea players don’t let me down. It’s the vainglorious parade of so-called talent facing a (usually better) industry-focused swarm of claret and blue heads and minds, pursuing that hopeful but elusive win. An invariable triumph of hope over experience.

Abramovic and his millions have gone, and the place looks a little threadbare. Tuchel seems to have fuck all, compared with his bounty-filled war chests of yesteryear. Chelsea have already surrendered meekly on the road to Leeds and Southampton, but like the wounded jackal, this is often when they are at their most dangerous.

West Ham have only won once here in their last sixteen attempts, proof of the run of the rouble, but records always stand tall in anticipation of the invariable challenges.

Just before the end of a fairly eventless first half, Fornals punctuates a six man West Ham move when he gets on the end of Coufal’s deep cross once it is headed out by Silva, but his volley is agonisingly inches over, with Bendy Mendy completely beaten.

The second half sees Hammers leading from the front, and when Bendy punches Fornals’ formidable inswinging corner clear, his clearance finds Bowen outside the area, who volleys it back in towards the top corner, only for The Benz to save well to his left, clearing for corner number two. This one, taken left-footed by Bowen, is headed on by Paquetà to the back post where Rice rolls it across for Antonio to tap in, putting Hammers ahead. Hoo-fucking Ray. Bendy lays prostrate in the goal, looking a little, well bent, and clearly intent on making a complaint about the challenge until he realises the people who pushed him were Cucurella and Fofana, players on his own side. The Benz. Who could forget his expert chaperoning of Arthur Masuaka’s speculative winning effort at London Stadium into the top corner of the net. And now, here we are again, with a possible winner to cherish, alongside Aaron Cresswell’s effort back in November 2019.

The minor state of euphoria lasts exactly fourteen minutes, during which Fuchal introduces a whole hand of substitutes, all kicking and rushing their way into the West Ham area, even with the ball nowhere in sight. Eventually Chilwell, one of the five subs, creeps in behind Kehrer as Silva pumps the ball in, and his delicate touch squeezes the ball past Fabianski. Hammers immediately hit back with substitutes of their own, Benrahma picking out Cornet, who heads the ball past Bendy but against the post with his first touch. Then, with ninety seconds on the clock, Chilwell’s hopeful cross is poked home by Havertz, with Ogbonna sprawled at his ankles.

But that’s not all, though it might as well have been. A minute later, a poor header back by Reece James into the path of Bowen, sees the striker step over the advancing Bendy, who can only punch the ball directly into the path of Cornet, and the substitute this time steers the ball high into the net for a deserved injury time equaliser.

‘Mendy came, and couldn’t claim,’ says the BBC’s Jonathan Pearce. The referee Andy Madley, gives the goal. However, the VAR assistant, Australian Jarred Gillet, possibly from some beach in Perth, calls in for Madley to head for the VAR screen, from which he decides to rule it out.

Madley by name, idiot by nature. The notion of freewill, which Waldo Emerson may have championed in the 19th century, is clearly now a spent force.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 33 Emerson, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 8 Pablo Fornals, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 11 Lucas Paquetà, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 41 Declan Rice (captain)

Substitutes: 14 Maxwel Cornet, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Goalscorer: Michail Antonio

SOUČEK OVERCOMES LAME SPURT

West Ham United 1 Tottenham Hotspur 1

Introducing a player personally to the West Ham United crowd before a game has the potential shadow of hubris cast across it. However there is always the consideration that perhaps you are daring something not to happen if you promise that it will. So, tonight, West Ham’s (to-date) record signing from Olympique Lyonnais, the 25 year old Brazilian Lucas Paquetà, a snip at in excess of £53m, takes to the stage for West Ham for the first time. Or at least he probably will sometime in the second half as he is, for now, on the bench.

In the absence of the virus-laden Gianluca Scamacca, Moyes has stayed with the majority of the team that established West Ham as a force in Europe last season, with starting rights secured for Saïd Benrahma after some recent excellent displays.

First effort on target is from Pablo Fornals who looks to resume his scoring exploits with an effort from outside the area that Lloris punches away to safety. Within five minutes the dubious cogs of VAR crank into action after Aaron Cresswell is adjudged to have handled in the area by referee Peter Bankes. We needn’t have worried. After four minutes of to-ing and fro-ing during which Harry Kane has mentally taken the penalty twice and missed on both occasions, it’s adjudged to have been accidental. Which, let’s face it, the majority of defensive handballs in the penalty area are. This one is because Cresswell headed the ball on to his arm, an act for which he should be awarded a physiotherapist’s medal rather be penalised.

Minutes later Rice is in the thick of it, hammering in a shot from just inside the area that Lloris again manages to palm away. Two minutes later Antonio hits a shot that this time beats the outstretched hands of Lloris but is kept out by the width of the post.

Yet another attack is broken down when Benrahma loses the ball and Spurs break quickly for a rare counter which sees Kulusevski and Kane accelerating in tandem down the right channel and, after exchanging passes to beat Zouma, Kane’s pacy cross is bundled into his own net by Kehrer in his attempt to prevent Son getting a touch. The injustice of the good fortune is celebrated in dad dancing style by the Spurs’ manager, just back from a touchline suspension, and seemingly keen to get another one straight away.

Hammers keep their mojo in the second half, and equalise after ten minutes after a poor clearance from Lloris goes out of play. The quick thinking of a ball boy allows Vladimir Coufal to find Antonio down the right channel with a swift throw,

and with his flick and one controlling touch from Souček the ball is smashed into the back of the net.

Two minutes later, Rice’s effort is deliberately late deflected, but just wide, by Souček again. Then Bowen and the new home debutants Paquetà and Emerson miss crosses that evade defensive lunges. Fornals misses probably the best chance of all as he skies a superb cross from Coufal with just Lloris to beat. In the final breath of the game, Bowen’s scuffed shot misses the post by inches, with Lloris committed, in injury time.

And there you have it. Hammers back on form, Spurs luckier than a double lottery winner and Conte less likely to be on the bench in a couple of weeks than Bamidele Jermaine Alii. The known universe can now anticipate a stack of wins ahead for Hammers in the coming weeks running parallel with a spurt of low key defeats for Tottenham. Come. On. You. Irons.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 8 Pablo Fornals, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 28 Tomas Souček, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 41 Declan Rice (captain)

Substitutes: 11 Lucas Paquetà, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 33 Emerson

Goalscorer: Tomas Souček

[NB. It was reassuring to finally hear all football correspondents who took to the airwaves after the game describing the scorer of West Ham’s goal tonight as Tomas Sou-cek]

 

VILLA THRILLER

Aston Villa 0 West Ham 1

It’s West Ham’s worst start to a season for 51 years as they face their 1000th Premier League game. Houston, we have a problem. Stewart Houston, that is. Yes, a defender who played for Manchester United and Brentford, and will be aware that Brentford beat Manchester United 4-0. Then Manchester United beat Liverpool 2-1 the following week. Now they’ve won again. Liverpool, who won just one game in the Premier League… until yesterday. In their first four. Then they won 9-0, equalling the greatest ever Premier League victory. Arsenal were bottom this time last year; now they’re top. And West Ham have lost their first three games without scoring a goal. Do you see the pattern? Yes, of course you do. You’re not one of those umbilical cords that yank on misery every time their side loses a few games? No, I guess you wouldn’t be reading this if you were.

So Hammers finally start a game with Scamacca, the Italian Stallion. It’s wise, as his previous two starts have accounted for the only two wins this season. Then there is Kehrer, and Emerson. And a fully-fit Michail Antonio on the bench. The bench is the real indicator of how far the club have progressed as the current transfer window ends. And the small matter of Paqueta from Lyon. Remember him from last season? He’s Brazilian, and might even be in position to face Spurs on Wednesday. Think on that for a while.

I’m the meantime there is the small matter of dispatching Aston Villa. On their own turf. Now how are we going to do that?

Moyes is starting with three at the back and a busy five man midfield behind Bowen and Scamacca. What could possibly go wrong? Villa have the ball in the net after just thirteen minutes. An outswinging corner from Lucas Digne proves just that, and although Ezri Konsa stabs home after Coutinho’s goalbound flick comes back off the post, the eagle-eyed linesman has spotted its extra field-of-play trajectory, and the ref awards a goal kick.

Zouma and Kehrer are otherwise solid at the back for Hammers, and Fabianski isn’t troubled for the rest of the half. Gerrard looks like a sacked manager walking throughout, his Harry Palmer raincoat blistered with fleckets of afternoon rainfall. Moyes looks ponderously around him, wondering from where the much needed goal might come.

Hammers raise the temperature early in the second half, and Scamacca’s first shot is more fierce than it looks after Calum Chambers’s sliding challenge has taken the sting out of it. Bowen is then put through by Fornals and, though he sidesteps the sliding lunge of Matty Cash, his switch lacks the elegance to afford him the necessary finish, Digne blocks the effort and the keeper grabs gratefully at the loose ball.

Then, with fifteen minutes left, the goal. Breaking forward from the centre of midfield, Rice is found by Zouma and he picks out Fornals, who takes a touch before unleashing a shot which deflects spectacularly off Konsa‘s outstretched boot, over the keeper Martinez, and into the roof of the net.

The odds on Steven Gerrard becoming the first managerial casualty of the season have narrowed, not helped by the chorus of boos meted out by the Villa fans after the game, though tempered somewhat by Scott Parker’s Bournemouth team’s 9-0 reverse at Anfield yesterday afternoon. Meanwhile David Moyes’ air punch at the final whistle suggests his focus for achievements throughout the challenging season ahead have strengthened.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 8 Pablo Fornals, 24 Thilo Kehrer, 28 Tomas Souček, 33 Emerson, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 41 Declan Rice (captain)

Substitutes: 5 Vladimir Coufal, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 9 Michail Antonio

Goalscorer: Pablo Fornals

TO THE GROUP STAGES

Viborg FF 0 West Ham 3

These early European games are currently welcomed with open goal-celebrating arms in a season where West Ham have yet to win a league game, as September approaches.

The Viborgian Danes certainly didn’t embarrass themselves last Thursday at London Stadium, and nor did their travelling hundreds of fans who found themselves unexpectedly making up almost ten per cent of the attendance.

With an unparalleled second successive European adventure in the offing for the first time since the season England won the World Cup, Hammers fans have travelled to Denmark, also in their hundreds. Sadly, unless they’re ready to fork out a tenner to subscribe to Premier TV to watch the game, all West Ham’s landlubbing supporters will have to listen to a monosyllabic captioning account provided on the club’s website. Some enterprising fans who have forked out for the live feed promise to post video clips of the key events.

Few Hammers’ fans in September 1965 would have made the journey to Athens to see their side’s first European excursion defence of the newly won Cup Winners Cup trophy against Olympiakos. They had already won the first leg 4-0, thanks to a first half brace from Geoff Hurst, and second half goals from Budgie Byrne and Peter Brabrook, but travel opportunities were few and far between for the ordinary fan in those days. Watching the game on television was even less likely in the days of scant coverage, even for relatively high profile games such as these. The second leg, for the record, finished 2-2, with two goals from Martin Peters, and Hammers progressed to the quarter-finals. The Russian referee that night was Tofiq Bahramov, a man who, as linesman, would play a key part in England’s World Cup victory just nine months later.

67 years later, in a world of unparalleled universal sports coverage, I am following this game on the West Ham website with coverage of a standard barely equalled by Ceefax in the 1980s. We have a 3-1 lead, but what’s that worth in this ludicrously unpredictable season?

In the 1970s, despite limited finances, the UK was keen to join the world overseas broadcasting stage, and the BBC would often cover significant away games with Bryon Butler the travelling correspondent on the mike, his rich baritone carrying the finer points of the game to all of us in Blighty. And so it was on the 16th December 1975, a weekday in history when West Ham came up against the Dutch ‘giants’ Den Haag’ for a first leg knock out Cup Winners Cup fixture. Sadly the BBC could only afford to cover the second half, so when the station went live to the BBC’s Butler, we found ourselves greeted with the news that at half time West Ham were already on the receiving end of a 4-0 score line. Butler informed us that two questionable penalties and a poorly communicated drop ball were to blame, as a trip to You Tube now proves. A giant H in the top right hand corner of the screen witnesses the replays that display the injustice, for forensic analysis (short for ‘Herhaling,’ the Dutch for ‘replay’).

At home that night, I was almost in tears. Given a rare opportunity to follow my team abroad on the wireless, this was how it was going to be. In the event, it proved a delicious second half for West Ham in that they, and Billy Jennings, scored two goals to send the team back to London with just a two goal deficit and at least some hope of turning the tie around in the home second leg.

It’s almost 47 years since that broadcast, and yet I can’t even find a UK radio station that’s broadcasting commentary. I settle in the end for the titbits sent out by the generous fans recording and sharing goal clips from their hastily purchased Premier TV feed.

Hammers revert to something similar to their first leg line-up, with Scamacca and Cornet starting, and this time no sign of Jarrod Bowen. The third kit looks like a set of old Johan Cruyff outfits that got accidentally dumped in the hot wash. No Red Devil fever, however, as with just 22 minutes on the clock Scamacca dispatches Souček’s low ball in at the near post to increase Hammers’ advantage to three.

Early in the second half comes the goal of the game. Or so it says on the clip, which is odd as there are still 40 minutes to go. A header on by Scamacca finds Cornet whose deft flick sends Benrahma through to plant the ball in the far corner of the net. Souček then makes it three ten minutes later, firing home with the goalkeeper prone after Kehrer’s header is blocked. Cornet then has the best chance of all, before the end, blazing over the open goal when a cool head would have made it four. No matter. Hammers are through to their second successive major European adventure for the first time since England won the World Cup.

West Ham proceed to the draw of 32 and, better still, have secured seed status, which should go a long way to helping them avoid the toughest team’s in tomorrow’s draw. There is also the joy of knowing that the next time Hammers play across the channel I will either be there, transport and tickets willing. or watching in front of a live television broadcast, and for that, this Hammers’ fan is very grateful.

Come on you Irons!

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell (captain), 8 Pablo Fornals, 12 Thilo Kehrer, 14 Maxwel Cornet, 21 Angelo Ogbonna, 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 4 Kurt Zouma, 40 Armstrong Oko-Flex, 32 Conor Coventry, 12 Flynn Downes, 9 Michail Antonio

Goalscorers: Gianluca Scamacca, Saïd Benrahma, Tomas Souček

GALLING SEAGULLS

West Ham 0 Brighton & Hove Albion 2

It remains mildly infuriating to have to acknowledge that despite ten Premier League games against Brighton & Hove Albion, West Ham United have yet to beat them.

So what might make a claret and blue-blooded Hammer believe that this afternoon’s game would be any different to the previous ten? Hope over experience still operates in abundance in the West Ham United saloon of life.

But the narrative stubbornly remains the same. Benrahma shows a little of his class from the previous weekend in the first two minutes of the game with a brilliant dipping, curling effort that, on any other day, in any other fixture, would have kick started our season.

But… it’s a foot too high.

In under ten minutes Brighton have found their groove, and the Hammers’ machine begins to misfire. Rice looks pedestrian, predictable even, collecting the ball but immediately passing it on like it is an unwanted turd newly discovered on the beach of a previously loved holiday resort.

Kurt Zouma looks quizzical, not an easy look for the big Frenchman. Cresswell retrieves touchline headed balls, only to loft them forty feet into the air, after which they backward bounce into touch. Coufal hits hopeful crosses in from the right, which the Brighton keeper Sanchez uses for catching practice. Jarrod Bowen runs a lot, and Michail Antonio raises his arms in protest after fouls on him go unpunished.

Halfway through the first half Zouma, in an ill advised foray upfield, loses the ball and Brighton break, their neat passing move ending with MacAllister feeding Welbeck who is unceremoniously felled by newby Kehrer. The only question is whether the ball has reached the area before the defender’s minimal contact is made. VAR confirms the worst, and MacAllister slots home the penalty. Creator and executioner. As expected, this stops West Ham in their tracks; nothing surprising as they were barely in them. Half-time arrives like a welcome cup of tea. Perhaps a decent talk and a couple of substitutes can change things.

Hammers start the second period with a little more verve and energy, Souček particularly efficient heading forward, everything Rice has been over the last few years. But not today. Then, again just half way through the half, Brighton hit a second, Trossard slotting home the loose ball after Pascal Gross has hoodwinked Zouma. Yes Zouma. Two goal-punished mistakes. Again othe energy saps from the Hammered, and Brighton consolidate their lead with some fancy footwork. A stack of substitutions, and Hammers generate a few corners which Bowen takes and Souček and then Scamacca head over. Even if they’d had forty-four additional minutes, let alone the four that they get, West Ham would not have scored today. They have in fact precisely no goals for all their Premier League efforts this season, and will be bottom of the league when Manchester United beat Liverpool on Monday night. If you can cast your minds back to this time last season, this was where Arsenal were, a team who finally finished fifth. Just saying.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 12 Thilo Kehrer, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 14 Maxwel Cornet, 2 Ben Johnson

VYING FOR BORDER CONTROL

West Ham 3 Viborg FF 1

Tonight West Ham start out on another European adventure, if anyone felt ready to coin that phrase so soon after the disappointment of the semi-final defeat back in May. First team coach Billy McKinlay replaces Moyes, who is suspended from the touchline for his semi-final bottle kicking exploits. A Scottish number two might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but Andy Irvine’s departure a season ago was lamented by many who had enjoyed the strong backbone of back room staff from the behind closed doors days. McKinlay is just 53, and joined the club from a similar role at Stoke City at the end of the 2020-21 season. Like Irvine before him, McKinlay now finds himself thrust into the limelight because of Moyes’ suspension. Irvine himself took the wheel when Moyes contacted the Covid in September 2020 and missed two games after Hammers had begun the season with two defeats. Irvine’s record over that period was a 4-0 win at home over Wolves followed by a 3-0 win away at Leicester City. The latter marked the debut of Vladimir Coufal, who kept ex-England striker Jamie Vardy in his top pocket for the full 90 minutes. Could this be lightning striking again?

An addition to the back room staff this season is QPR’s manager from 2021-22, Mark Warbuton, who takes the pre-match routine this evening, and has obviously already made a big impression on the established and new season signings.

So what of Viborg and of that dark Scandi-Noir tradition? It’s taken them two previous rounds and four games to get to this fixture, all of which they’ve won. It’s safe to say this is the biggest game in their history, but they don’t look particularly fazed. Two of their best strikers, Said and Jatta, aren’t available as they failed to get work visas in the UK in time to travel. I reckon Hammers need a three clear goal advantage to take forward to the second leg.

Tonight’s team features the return of Angelo Ogbonna, who takes the captain’s armband in the enforced absence of Declan Rice. Also in at the start are Ashby, Coventry, Cornet, Scamacca, and Coufal playing in the left back position to cover for the suspended Cresswell.

The first fifteen minutes feel odd. This is the new West Ham team that we have all wanted to see; four new players, Coufal out of position and Ogbonna back fit again. It takes some getting used to, but slowly the players start hitting measured passes. Cornet looks quality on the ball, an archer with a quiver full of tricks. A dart right or left and he’s away.

Bowen hits the post from a tight angle but the replay shows he was offside. Then it comes. More tricks from Cornet over by the corner flag, followed by a cross that Scamacca heads powerfully into the corner of the net on 23 minutes. Scamacca almost has a second six minutes later, but is denied by Lucas Lund’s agility. And so it stays to half-time. Scamacca has the look of a younger Arnautovic. Tall, square-headed, well-balanced and focused. He will have Ogbonna’s words to counter any homesickness, should it bother him.

Mark Warbuton is involved in the bench, quipping, advising and pontificating. This is a team that want the group stages, not an outfit preferring the mono-focus of a high League position. Bowen suddenly emerges with the ball on the right, and powers a perfectly executed shot into the bottom right hand corner of the net, like a long red. Not a second too late either, as Bowen’s number immediately appears in red, held up by the fourth official for. Substitution.

A second should hand the Hammers some comfort, and so it proves, momentarily, until Jacob Bonde steals behind the West Ham defence to stretch for the long cross which he heads home. The travelling 3,000 away fans in a sea of Green raise their fists en masse in a giant yelp of joy. They have been incredibly vocal throughout, and it is oddly gratifying to give them something to cheer, if only momentarily.

Ogbonna is clearly relishing being back, surrounded as he is by new players and an Italian striker. Souček is hovering around the midfield, most passes finding their way to the forwards through him.

Ten minutes from time, and the fresh legs manage to find the target. Benrahma, mesmerising at Forest on Sunday, collects a pinpoint pass west from new signing Thilo Kehrer and heads for the line before right-angling a pass towards goal that Antonio steers home. It’s the kind of perfect goal that Hammers were scoring in most of their home games last season, the move orchestrated and executed by the team of three substitutes.

And that’s the game. A two goal lead to take to Denmark next Thursday that should prove sufficient for group stage qualification. All that remains is to challenge the claims of a 30,000 plus attendance, which any panoramic glance around the ground would end up challenging.

13 Alphonse Ariola, 2 Ben Johnson, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 14 Maxwel Cornet, 21 Angelo Ogbonna (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 32 Conor Coventry, 50 Harrison Ashby

Substitutes: Thilo Kehrer, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 12 Flynn Downes

Goalscorers: Gianluca Scamacca, Jarrod Bowen, Michail Antonio

THE TRENT ENDZ

Nottingham Forest 1 West Ham 0

Nottingham Forest, like the River Trent, have a wonderful history, but are currently a little lacking in depth. ‘A good time to play them,’ I hear you scream.

The pitch is lush and green, a certain indication that East Midland Water Services are yet to put into operation their threatened hose pipe ban. Forest spend the first five minutes pressing high, and win an early free kick when Rice brings down Awoniyi, but Williams’ inept free kick is high, wide and ugly. Cresswell shows how it should be done at the other end with a curling dipping shot that is just a few inches over, but before the tenth minute Rice is on the referee’s iPad for only his second foul of the game. Fabianski then makes a brilliant top corner save to claw away a misdirected header from his own player, Jarrod Bowen.

Hammers begin to settle and Benrahma’s bending shot is flapped away by Henderson. A cross from Cresswell is headed powerfully goalwards by Souček, but straight at the keeper. Bowen looks a little off the pace this afternoon, not unlike he did last Sunday, but perhaps that’s when he is at his most dangerous. Perhaps. Benrahma is looking a good starter as he flies down the left flank again, his ball in only marginally avoiding meaningful connection with Souček’s right boot.

Antonio is unlucky not to get better contact on a ball running loose from a block on Benrahma’s shot. The game is a tad slower after the drinks break on 25 minutes. Some idling possession from Forest but Hammers still more likely to score, which they do when Benrahma taps in a through ball from Rice, but not before Antonio has run into Mangala, who drops to the ground like a felled giant redwood. Sadly the challenge leads to the ‘goal’ being disallowed. Awoniyi, without realising what he is doing, puts Forest ahead in the third minute of injury time when Johnson’s clearance hits him on the knee and trickles past the already committed Fabianski. I thumb through the pages of my Thesaurus for a stronger description than ‘lucky’. At least Lingard, who made the original pass that hit Johnson, won’t get credit for the assist.

Sky unload their Forest Premier League Greeting Bullschitt in lorryloads, while we’re all still wondering just why Benrahma’s ‘goal’ has been disallowed. Don’t worry, the partisan wonkheads are just weaving their predictable narrative, at odds with virtually everything seen in the first half. They have Daniel Mann on the mike for the live comms, a Forest supporter since his conception.

The second half starts over the strains of a bastardised rendition of ‘Mull of Kintyre,’ a song presumably lazily hijacked for a new club theme. I wonder if McCartney has received a royalty cheque for this. If so, he was almost certainly too embarrassed to cash it. In less than a minute of the second half Fornals hits the underside of the bar with a breathtaking strike, Henderson doing well to stagger back to his feet promptly to beat away Souček’s powerful rebound header.

Forest then score a second with their first attack of the second half, a breakaway goal from Johnson. Truly beyond belief. However, it is thankfully disallowed after a long think through from the chaps at Shockley Park. Justice served cold on a hot afternoon.

Now Benrahma hits the underside of the bar on the hour from a free kick, and Souček’s shot is beaten away by McKenna. They should christen the potato salad man ‘The Rebounder.’ Now the first decent break of the afternoon. VAR shows that McKenna has fielded Souček’s effort away with his arm, so it’s a penalty. No Lanzini, so Rice takes. In line with the passages of play this half, Henderson saves it at the foot of his left hand post. WTF? Now Antonio and Fornals are substituted for Scamacca and Lanzini, two players who share the dubious stat of having over 5% of their body weight measured in tattoo ink. So. The ultimate question Is there to be a goal from the Italian Stallion this afternoon?

Forest have now, in a full half an hour of play, created only the one chance, resulting in the disallowed goal. Hammers continue to dominate. Can they fashion an equaliser? Zouma’s header from a Cresswell corner is scrambled off the line for another corner from which Zouma is floored in his challenge for the ball, but this time no penalty. It’s all really desperate stuff, but despite the developing belief that possession equals goals, the equaliser does not come. This, despite seven minutes of injury time. Clips will have an editing field day with the fetid footage tomorrow…

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 20 Jarrod Bowen, 22 Saïd Benrahma

Substitutes: 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 14 Maxwel Cornet

THE SEASON STARTS HERE

West Ham 0 Manchester City 2

David Moyes faces the difficult third season. He has signed two young players born in January 1999, Gianluca Scamacca from Italian Seria A team Sassuolu and Flynn Downes, an Essex boy from Brentwood, from Swansea City. He also finds his team on the first day of the season facing the League Champions Manchester City, a team whose bench could give most Premier League sides a run for their Crypto.

The team Moyes selects is just one man different to the side who lost the Europa League semi-final in Germany last May, and that man is Craig Dawson, who is currently out with a calf injury.

This is the earliest start to a Premier League season in its short thirty year history, but it’s a credit to Moyes that his side aren’t cut from the cloth of the Pellegrini mould that would often today write off their chances against a top four team before a ball was even kicked. Now Hammers are a competitive outfit, finishing the last two seasons sixth and seventh, and looking like a team capable of pushing to break into the top four.

But City. They have signed Erling Haaland in the close season, a player whose goal to game ratio is so prolific that he strikes abject terror into all otherwise fearless international opponents. He is the better part of six and a half foot in his socks, and has hair that is so blonde that it seems like lightning in the sun. He carries the kind of half smile you might see on Clint Eastwood or Billy the Kid, and he barely breaks sweat in most of the games I’ve already seen him play. He has a ludicrous habit of scoring hat-tricks for his new clubs on debut. Declan Rice gives him the critical eye in the tunnel as both teams return from their pre-match warm up.

Scamacca is also gawkishly tall, but his menace is in his gangsta calm, his polite grim stealth. He won’t be starting this afternoon, but we have it on good authority that Moyes will give him a run out in the second half.

West Ham begin the game with all the joy of the rush of last season. High crosses, neat flicked headers, and targets missed by inches. A long, deep corner by Fornals sees first Zouma and then Antonio send headers goalward, before Bowen has a thunder blaster of an effort blocked by the knee of Nathan Ake.

The game isn’t going to sustain this speed without the onset of mistakes, and when City begin to acquire periods of possession, they come. Jarrod Bowen seems to be the unformatted version of two years ago, over-running short passes and mistiming others that he spent all last season crafting to perfection. Souček is finally back on form, leaping like a salmon at corner kicks, timing tackles to perfection and winning challenges with the world beaters in City’s ludicrously talented eleven.

City, however, are from another planet this afternoon, and how it showed once they stepped up their game. 62,443 is a new attendance record at London Stadium, but it’s a tough watch for most of them.

Fabianski suffers a dead leg just on the half hour and is replaced by substitute keeper Areola who has barely marked his area out before he is slow off his line to a through ball from Gündogan that frees Haaland, and he brings him down for a penalty that the Norwegian striker dispatches with ease. I can’t be the only one in the crowd wondering if this will be the first of three.

Hammers continue to struggle for the rest of the half but start the second with an interception opportunity that Lanzini grabs off Gündogan, to generate a move ending with Rice frustratingly spooning over the rare opportunity.

Minutes later a through ball from De Bruyne finds Haaland again, and the big striker shows calm and poise to make it 2-0. Thankfully even Pep Guardiola doesn’t want his new striker making it another hat-trick debut, substituting his bombed blond shell twelve minutes before the end for Alvarez. Modesty is a pre-requisite for Pep’s Pups, and in amongst all of this perfection he gives a debut from the bench to ex-Leeds midfielder Kalvin Phillips, the player who Declan Rice established such a powerful partnership with for England in the Euros. Phillips now wears 4 for Manchester City, effectively a squad player, unlikely to start many games for his club this season. Hammers scored in every home Premier League game last season, but today they have netted a zero in their first fixture of 2022-23.

There is a comforting double negative to reflect on from the folder of established hopes I often drag from the rucksack of defeats like this. West Ham began their brilliant 2019-20 season with a miserable 0-2 home reverse at the hand of Steve Bruce’s Newcastle United. By the time that season was over, the team was unrecognisable in performances from the one that lost that game. I ponder the idea that this might be another one of those games. Turning over Jesse Lingard’s Nottingham Forest next weekend might be exactly the cure for this afternoon’s disappointments.

1 Lucasz Fabianski, 2 Ben Johnson, 3 Aaron Cresswell, 4 Kurt Zouma, 5 Vladimir Coufal, 41 Declan Rice (captain), 28 Tomas Souček, 8 Pablo Fornals, 9 Michail Antonio, 10 Manuel Lanzini, 20 Jarrod Bowen

Substitutes: 13 Alphonse Areola, 22 Saïd Benrahma, 7 Gianluca Scamacca, 12 Flynn Downes, 32 Connor Coventry